Do Overs

This was written yesterday evening when we were without internet for the past couple of days:

It is 3 days before Christmas here in Petropavlovsk…a Christmas that is not celebrated here, but in the hearts of two families will be a remarkable holiday regardless of whether the immediate world around us will be celebrating it or not. We learned this evening that there is the possibility that the Oborn’s will be going to court on Christmas Day, and we are all hopeful that one of the last steps of their 3 year long journey will soon be over. What a way to remember the birth of Christ!

Then there is our family…teetering on the brink of a decision that must be made, one that was made ever more difficult when taking into account the behavior of a frightened 11 year old girl. Actually, we never thought we WOULD have to actually make a decision, considering that to have been done long before arriving here. Alas, following in the path of every step of this adoption, even this has been more difficult than we ever would have imagined it being.

Are we safe to bring Angela home with us? Are we about to enter the “perfect storm” created of a combination of a history of neglect, witnessing of violence, institutionalization, and adolescent hormones all rolled up in the body of a “tween” whom we barely know?

Is this the biggest mistake of our lives?

Or…maybe…just maybe…is it two of the biggest blessings?

We know all the reasons not to do it. We witnessed some of it first hand. We may not be experienced parents of kids this age with this background, nor of girls, but we have been over some pretty rocky parenting terrain ourselves and perhaps that experience alone should give us reason to pause and think twice.

So much has been rattling back and forth in our minds, so many “what if’s” and “maybe’s”. For want of a crystal ball, we have no idea what the future holds…no more than anyone reading this blog could predict whether we are making a wise decision or not.

We gathered the boys last night and had a long heart to heart. We have had more Team meetings this past 3 weeks than we have had in 3 years. Much has been shared, a great deal of wisdom and insight has surprised us. And yet the final decision is up to us. It is not one we make lightly, for we know there are many lives at stake.

Our visits this week have gone well, with a gradual warming of all of us to one another. Both Angela and Olesya are far more relaxed around us, are enjoying the boys tremendously, and we feel what we are seeing is genuine. We have the good fortune of having heard from many people who have spent time with both the girls over the past couple of years, some brief and others extended. To the last one, each was shocked at how we were treated last week by Angela, all said it was completely out of character for her…and none has an agenda or is attached to the orphanage in any way, so their opinions and observations are reasonably unbiased.

Despite that though, there comes into play something far more meaningful for us, and that is God’s plan for our family. It is something I wrestled with a lot this past week, along with trying to pry back open the steel doors to my heart that had arrived here swung wide apart only to find them slammed shut and padlocked tightly, the key tucked away for safe keeping. Finding that crow bar to wedge between the doors while the key remained firmly in place was one of the harder emotional journeys I have ever taken, and it had to be done quickly without the luxury of time to reflect and heal.

There also is risk involved, as anyone who has undertaken older child adoption would agree. Horror stories abound, families have crumbled, children have been relinquished…hearts are never the same. Do we have enough courage to do this? It is a question we have asked ourselves over and over this week. What if we fail? There is so much to lose on all sides. What if we are overestimating our abilities to parent? We might ruin all that is so good.

Do we even want to deal with it?

They are fair questions, especially after the week we went through. They are questions with no readily apparent answers.

And still it comes down to one thing, the single thing that even last week can’t make me shake…

These are our daughters.

Saturday night I was laying in bed, trying to sort it all out while Dominick was in the living room having fallen fast asleep with the boys while watching a movie. I asked God once again to make it clear, I begged yet one more time for an answer. Things were feeling much better with the girls. I was hopeful and somehow still couldn’t let go of the leeriness that was creeping around inside my head based upon the behavior we saw even though the child that stands before us now is transformed in every way…she is warm, connecting, not falsely engaging but appropriately so, there is no artifice there whatsoever.

It was at that moment that I “got it”. It was as if God was before me , hands on hips, finger wagging in my face saying “How many times do I have to answer the same question? Did I not already make it perfectly clear? I get SO TIRED of you not trusting me! You said you would parent them if I made it happen, I did, so DO IT and get on with it! I never said it was going to be easy, but I have all of your best interests at heart and I am not going to let you down. Will you PLEASE show at least as much courage as your daughter did in asking for forgiveness? Now maybe you know how SHE felt!”.

OK…so maybe I didn’t hear those words, but each of those thoughts ran over and over through my head that night and I realized that if Angela could risk her heart which already had a lifetime of band aids and scars, so could I.

She showed me how to do it.

The boys were unanimous in urging us to go for it, in fact they begged us to do it. I also trust their gut instincts very much…not a single one of the three has ever had an inappropriate friend, or has made an unwise choice in hanging out with someone. They may be young, but they have very good radar, and their radar said “All Systems Go” with Angela and Olesya. That was no small thing for us, and while we may have been thrown a bit off balance they were standing firm in their assessment.

Last night, after having the girls over to the apartment while we all put up our tree and made snowflakes to tape to the windows, we found ourselves feeling very much as if we were back home with all of them. All of the kids we laughing and playing together, giving piggy back rides to one another, wrestling (Yes the boys AND the girls!) on the floor…and even giggling as the boys belched. Angela too was feeling something as twice she quietly told Irina “I wish I didn’t have to go back tonight.”. Olesya was standing up on the kitchen window sill repositioning things to her liking, and looked down at me with the biggest grin as if to say “Man, this is the coolest!”.

The apartment felt a lot emptier after they left. We all sat down and knew what we were going to do…there was no way we would be leaving them here in Petro, in fact we have quickly come to a place where we can’t even begin to think of life without them in Montrose! Oh, how good God is when it comes to giving second chances! It is as if we ALL have a second chance here at having a very special one-of-a-kind family, and none of us can bear to let that chance go by without giving it all we’ve got.

So, in true Team LaJoy style, a plan was hatched with the boys doing all the plotting. Our visit today was going to be a surprise for the girls, and we were going to start over and do it OUR way this time. After much discussion, the boys decided to wear their ties and make it a formal affair. They wanted to create a little ceremony to make Angela and Olesya feel special and invite them to be part of our family. Joshie had found some little rings for 25 cents at a nearby market stall, and the boys wanted to get them all rings as a symbol of being a family. We decided to get some candles to light too as part of our little personal adoption ceremony. There was much giggling and whispering going on last night.

This morning we all went shopping for our items. We found heart candles that the boys deemed perfect for our purposes, and even some heart shaped balloons! We had to go to two different vendors to find rings that would work and ended up paying $1 each as we carefully selected colors and sizes. Back at the apartment a banner was created which said “We Love You Angela and Olesya”. The living room was cleared, the kitchen table brought in to create a place for the ceremony, and an origami letter was worked on by Kenny after we all signed it with a message. Sitting in the middle of our little alter was a stuffed heart that says “I Love You” on it in Russian that Angela and Olesya gently and oh so tentatively handed us last Tuesday when we went and met them with the Assistant Director. Speeches were practiced, and Kenny admitted to being a little nervous! Joshie said he didn’t know what to say, and it was decided he could just give hugs.

Soon, it was time for the girls to arrive, and the boys had hurriedly changed into shirts and ties, combed their hair, and were running around giggling like crazy once they saw Alexander’s car from our kitchen window. The girls walked in with Irina, who didn’t know anything and seemed a little uncertain herself. Matthew and Kenny were chivalrous and helped the girls from their coats and hung them up while Joshie led them into the living room and got them settled on the couch, where they sat expectantly, not quite sure what was going on, with Irina between them.

As scripted, Kenny got up first and spoke to them…he told them how long we had worked on bringing them home, how hard it had been, how much paperwork had to be done, how every morning we would look at their pictures and say “Hi Girls!”, and how they all really wanted to be the girls’ brothers. After prodding him that he was going on a bit too long, it was Joshie’s turn, and he just ran over to them and gave them each a big hug while they grinned from ear to ear. Then it was Matthew’s turn, and taking his role very seriously, he explained that we had a big question for them, then asked them “Would you like to be a part of our family?”. Irina was totally getting into this now and I think was enjoying the goings on as she interpreted. Both girls immediately answered “Da” with big smiles. I then asked “Are you really sure??” and they said an even louder “Da!!”. Then Matthew invited them to come to the table with all of us, and we had one larger taper candle that we lit and he said “This candle is the light of our family. If you want to join our family, please light the heart candle in front of you as we pass this candle around. “ All was quiet as we each passed the candle from one to another, first Dominick and I as the parents (we were informed it HAD to be in this exact order), then Olesya, then Angela, then each of the boys. Then Matthew brought out the rings and said “These rings are for each of us kids in our family. Wearing it says you are part of us.” He handed each one a ring. He then announced “You are now LaJoy’s!” and we all blew out our candles together.

Then, there in the dark, we all watched the slide show on the computer that I had created for our Family Celebration in October, which now seems like years ago instead of weeks ago. Irina translated the words on screen, and once or twice I noticed she swallowed a little hard before being able to explain what was on screen.

There…together…finally…we all watched as before us flashed images of Olesya and Angela’s life. We watched them grow up right there, so many years we were all denied. The girls were obviously touched and so pleased, laughing and pointing as they saw pictures of themselves as little ones…6 and 4 years old….then 8 and 6…then 10 and 8…

By the end we were all quiet. There was no more laughter, there was a quiet understanding of every single person in the room, young and old, that this was saying good bye to an old life, and hello to a new one. This was a recognition without a word being spoken of the love that had traveled across miles and years. It was hope held on to, an opportunity almost lost, and the faith to give love and family a chance.

This may not have been court, there was no document created with official seals on it, there was no pounding of a gavel. But THIS is the moment when we truly became a family. We still have to go through the remainder of the process, but this afternoon will remain in all of our minds when we all tentatively walked through a door, never to look back. It requires courage of us all. Thankfully, we are ALL LaJoy’s, and we don’t quit, we don’t walk away.

I know there are many who will call us foolish and blind after what we have already gone through. They will ridicule us and stand on the sidelines waiting with bated breath for the chance to say “See? I told you so!” should we come home and find our lives in chaos as adjustments may very well prove very difficult.

But our God is a God of “Do Overs”. We all desperately needed a “Do Over” after the way things went the first week. We are not willing to throw away two lives based upon the initial fearful reaction of an 11 year old little girl who had given up hope and moved on in her mind, and was being pulled in many different directions by the adults in her life. This same little girl who had struggled so mightily to blank us out so she wouldn’t have to be responsible for a life altering choice also had the courage to say “I was wrong, I am ashamed, please give me a second chance.”. I know many adults who do not have that kind of character to be able to openly admit a mistake and ask for forgiveness. If our God can grant us each “Do Over’s” every single day, how can we not grant a “Do Over” when sincerely asked?

There are those who are cynical and will say we are being “played”. I would never presume to always be right, but our hearts tell us this is not the case…that we are seeing the real child within and that what we saw 2 weeks ago was by all accounts an anomaly brought on by stress . We are willing to risk looking foolish later if it means offering grace and forgiveness now. Many would argue with us that we are wrong to do that, that we are not putting the boys first. Maybe for them, it would be wrong…again I would never presume to tell someone else what they should do. For us, it is absolutely the right thing to do. We’ll worry about hearing “I told you so” later. And we feel that by doing this we ARE putting our children first…all of them…for they are all learning up close and personal how forgiveness works, how hearts can indeed change and be softened, how not reacting out of anger can lead to better resolutions.

I honestly don’t know when or how it happened, but somewhere along the way during the past few years, Dominick and I somehow left cynical behind, we can’t live in that place anymore. I did live there…oh for sure I was always looking for the worst in others, expecting everyone to be “out to get me”, and much to my own shame seeing everyone as the enemy and isolating myself from humanity in order to protect myself. It was a very lonely, sad place to dwell.

They may also learn other lessons once we get home, ones we might wish they didn’t have to go through. But as I look at Matthew who weathered the worst of the storms with Joshua and see him tenderly place his arms around the shoulders of Yannik here or Josh’s buddy Zack back home, I have to believe that he grew enormously through that experience. When I see Kenny exhibit such eagerness to bring other children into our family because he KNOWS what their life is like and can empathize with them, I have to think that what he went through the first 8 ½ years of his life built him into the young man he is today. When I see Joshua peering up at me with his big brown eyes and say “Can we please give them another chance Mommy?”, I know what we have to do…for he knows what a second chance is like and we can see what offering that chance has meant to him.

That which doesn’t break us will make us stronger. Cords tied together are stronger than single strands. The LaJoy’s are a multi-strand rope which has weathered a lot already. We hope and pray we do not find ourselves fraying in the middle over this decision, as we surely might, but if we do, we will do it together. For there is not a doubt in the hearts of a single LaJoy tonight that Angela and Olesya are meant for us, and we for them.

They always have been.