Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Day 9 - Waiting on God

In usual LaJoy fashion, we picked ourselves up, dusted ourselves off, and as Dominick so aptly put it “tomorrow is a new day”, and it was. Not necessarily one filled with a lot of hope as we didn’t learn yet about any children available for adoption here as the woman at the Ministry of Education had a big project she was working on which had to be completed before the holiday tomorrow, but she is working on pulling a couple of referrals together for us and did explore one sibling group of 2 girls only to learn that a grandmother has been faithfully visiting them weekly so that precludes them from consideration. It is so nice to hear of at least one sibling group who has not been warehoused and forgotten…whose extended family has made great efforts to be with them as they can. When I asked Angela and Olesya about any other family they had they said they had other grandparents, aunts and uncles in Petropavlovsk who had never once come to see them in 6 years. How sad it is when children are cast aside as if they were so much garbage…and look at what it leads to. We are going to visit a sibling group of boys tomorrow possibly, ages 5 and 7, but already feel from descriptions that this will not be a good fit for us. However, we will respect the process and meet whatever children are presented to us knowing God works in very, very strange ways (You can say THAT again!) and you never know how we might be led to another child or children to adopt.

We made it clear today we could accept many different issues and were fairly wide open to children with cleft, limb differences, spinal conditions, vision and hearing problems, and other minor correctible issues. We do not feel prepared to handle ongoing daily medical needs nor developmental delays beyond typical orphanage delays as we experienced (and continue to experience) with Kenny. We are open to gender and ages from 5-11ish and sibling groups. We do not feel we can go back to the baby or toddler stage, or maybe I should say we don’t WANT to go back to that stage at our ages and with our family the way it is now. The diaper genie is gone, the urge is gone too :-)

The need for special needs parents is a big one, as was evidenced to me by photos sent to us from our friend Tami Snowden who is a child advocate for children at risk. She sent photos of two infants in Kaz who have cleft and facial deformities. One is a precious little girl who is truly facing an uphill battle with severe facial clefting, and if we were wealthy we would take her in a minute…but we are blessed with Kenny’s care at Shriners and can’t take on such an enormous medical challenge, especially where we live.

But how I wish we could. With better medical insurance you can bet we would be first in line.
Today was a down day…in many ways. Down because we had nothing to do but wait for the wheels to be put in motion, and down because we are of course in mourning of a sort which many can not understand. It is not a death, but it feels like it. It is not a miscarriage because again…with adoption…people view it differently regardless of how it feels to you. Of course, other adoptive parents understand it and many have been in our shoes in one form or another, but making such choices and sort of causing the “miscarriage” is a terrible place to be in. As I walked alone this afternoon I saw the tips of the feathers of a bird who was obviously buried beneath the filthy, trodden snow and I thought to myself “That is the best picture I could ever use to describe how I feel right now.”…life walking around me and on top of me, and no one really noticing the death that has occurred.

We sit here wondering if the wait will bring about anything at all, or if we are just wasting time and money. But we also know that leaving without opening all doors would leave us forever wondering what might have been missed due to laziness or lack of heart. So disheartened as we may be, confused and conflicted as we may be, we will wait until we have had a look behind Curtains #3, 4 and 5 and see if we can play “Let’s Make a Deal”. Perhaps you can tell from my sarcasm how distasteful all of this is to us.

As we sit here in a foreign land feeling so far away from all that is familiar, God still reaches out to us, God’s presence is felt so firmly and we are so grateful. Your comments and emails have sustained us in a way I never would have anticipated. But one of the things we have to give thanks for the most is a truly remarkable family in the Oborn’s. Their support here has been tremendous, and having them here has been a God Send quite literally. We have prayed for one another, played around together, had someone to talk with and commiserate with. We may have someone to celebrate with or someone to miss us when we leave if we leave early with no children. They have offered to watch the boys for us as we deal with some difficult issues…and with the tiny apartment they have, adding three more bodies is not easy and a testament to the goodness of their hearts. We can never repay their kindness, and will always fondly remember our times together chatting at the Pizza House as our international contingent of Kazakh, Kyrgyz, Canadian and American kids played together.

We miss home and the love of our friends, but somehow this feels like home in some strange way as well. We have sort of settled in, but the hardest part is not knowing what is going on from day to day. We have yet to put up Christmas decorations as we may end up home for Christmas after all, not by our choice. We are buying groceries day by day as we don’t want to stock up until we know if we are remaining here for awhile or not. We are, again, living in limbo and learning we have become pretty good at it. But I am hoping for clarity soon, if only so we can either empty the fridge or by enough Diet Coke to last a week. Well…OK…maybe they don’t have that much around here :-)

We have so many people supporting us, and we couldn’t manage without our crew at the Jetway Café. We received a touching and reassuring email today that all was well and we could do what we needed to do here without worrying about things back home. We are so grateful to Jeannie, Sierra, Corinne, Dennis and Tim…all of you have been with us so long and are our family, we love you and will never forget this.

We continue to hope and pray, almost hourly I find myself asking what in the world is going on here and why this has happened. I am trying not to take it personally and be the “grown up”, but at moments I want to bury my head and hide. We have joked about our “Siberian Vacation” as we try to lighten the mood, we play round of Rummikub and cards, do our daily shopping and school work, wash and hang the laundry to dry, wash our 5 forks and glasses over and over again, and we pray. We pray together, we give group hugs, we do emotional “check in’s”, we explain, we pray some more.

And we wait on God.

What else can we do?


Anonymous said...

May He open doors that He wants opened and close doors that He wants closed.

Peggy in Virginia

Becki Stone said...

Team LaJoy continues to be in my thoughts and prayers. It makes me so sad for this children to know of family members that have forgotten about them. It breaks my heart. Give your boys a hug for me- their blogs were touching.
I'm praying for you!!!

Becki Stone said...

PS...I should have introduced myself a while ago- I'm Becki (we are waiting for travel dates to travel to Kaz) we also have a blog and when things settle down send me an email with your email address and I'll send you an invite! (beckistone@ncwcom.com)

Anonymous said...

Oh Ms. Cindy! We are sad for all of you. I know you must be heartbroken. I love how you put into words exactly what you are feeling. Why is a common question when things like this happen. Don't you wish you could just for one minute have God tell you all the answers you want? But that is where our faith comes in and although I am the first one to admit I struggle sometimes I do ultimately know that "ALL things work together for GOOD for those who love God." He sees the future and maybe He knew that you wouldn't have been able to handle Angela. I feel sad for her and for her little sister for they will never know the wonderful life they could have had. I am praying that God would reveal to you soon whether he has another child/chidren for you so that you can move on. YOu have so much love to give and I bet there is a child out there somehwere who wants to snatch it up. I cried when I read your story about little Tanya and how she looked so forlorn because she couldn't go on an outing with you. Bless her little heart. You were doing a good thing. The fact that it did not work out is not your fault. even though it is heartbreaking at the moment I am so excited to see where this new path might lead you. Much love and prayers to you, Can't wait to hear waht God does for you. Tell the boys and especially Mashly that we love them. The Hines clan( cordell, Erin, Bethany, Ashleigh and Wesley)

Carrie DeLille said...

Miscarriage, death, one cannot name it, but mourning is absolutely the process. Praying you'll know what God has in store for you soon.

Grammy Joan said...

Josh, Matt, Kenny, I have been reading your blogs and because of my inability to figure out how to respond to each of you, I'm doing it on your family blog. Sorry about that. Maybe one of you can send me an email and inform me some.
As you know I went to Montrose and I want to thank you for meeting me and scaring me half to death coming out of the women's room! I spent the week holding Shea up so she could point to your pictures on the frig. I had to say your name when she pointed to each of your pictures. We are all anxious to see you again but we know you have important business to settle before you come home. No matter what happens, remember how many people love you and will support you through joy and suffering. Love to you all, Grammy Joan

Ohiomom2121 said...

Dear Cindy,
Although I would never make the comparison to a non-adoptive parent, as they might become highly indignant, having suffered both a miscarriage and a lost referral (although we also had 4 spectacular young men we were privileged to raise), I would say the feelings of loss were equally devastating. In one there is the death of an actual living being, something no mother should suffer, but in the other there is the loss of a relationship with a known child, through pictures and tiny communications over years, that was horrendous as well. I actually cried more buckets for our Azerbaijani "daughter" as the loss never ends. She just keeps getting older in an orphanage, and we keep getting further from when we last "saw" her. And, knowing that you will never truly know whether your family could have escaped the train wreck you saw coming, I know the self-doubt would add another measure of pain. So, for you to admit to some serious mourning is not surprising at all. I am SO sorry that this has taken such a difficult turn, and I am so proud of your being willing to pick yourselves up, dust yourselves off and ask God, "where now?" It took us over a year to think about a new country after our plans for Azerbaijan faded. I love the smiles on your boys' faces; use their innate, wiggly bounce to put some joy in your steps for now, and know that your heart will heal only gradually and there will always be a bit of a jagged edge there. Some pains just will never completely go away, and I count miscarriage and lost adoption as two such cases. I personally find it better to wallow in pain for awhile, b/c then when I close the grief drawer it tends to stay closed longer (too painful to open), and by the time you get back to it, it is somehow less prickly. So, I am glad you are allowing yourself to grieve even as you smile at missing teeth and boyish shenanigans, and as you sort through new children to consider. Truly, you are remarkable and I hope you allow yourself to recognize that. God bless. Sherry

Calico Sky said...

I will pray for open doors and windows for you all.


Anonymous said...

I pray for you and your family that whatever Gods will is will come. I pray for you with groans and moans as I really don't know what to ask for .......

I've followed your blog and share your pain and loss.
A fellow adoptive mom

Kelly and Sne said...

Hopefully you will look back on this difficult time and understand clearly why you are in this situation and why you have had to take each painful step. I am hoping that you find that very soon.

Maureen said...

While I understand that you feel like you are wasting time and money waiting for the Ministry of Education and the holidays, maybe you need this time. You all need time to mourn your loss and while in reality I'm sure it will take years to heal, right now you are being given the gift of a few days to spend as a family and regroup. Another way to look at it.

Continued prayers,
~ Maureen

Cathy Hartt said...

Cindy and the team LaJoy - I found your blog and have been following closely. First, I am so sorry. I like the miscarriage analogy.

I have a dear cousin who adopted his 3 (now adult, then baby) children. They adopted a 4th and had her home for almost a year when the birth mom decided she wanted her back. In Calif - the law then was birth parents had a year to change their mind. Oh, they were so heart broken. I cannot imagine what it would be like to loose someone that had become part of the family, as your girls had to you.

You are in my prayers in your search for another match. Your wisdom and kindness are amazing. Thanks for sharing your story with the world. Cathy

Cathy Hartt said...

PS - To the boys - Soks says hi from Montrose! My kitties will miss all of you this Christmas.

J said...

Hi Cindy and Family,

if it is money you are worried about, I have a good plan to save money for you.
I travelled Petropavlovsk to Almaty by train. It takes 36 hours, has sleeper compartments, is very comfy, in fact is like being rocked all night in the cradle, and the trains are warm, nay hot! I thoroughly recommend it, and it costs only $60 for an adult, and I think $30 for a child. When buying 5 or more airtickets (let's hope it will be 7)...then this is a big saving!!! AND it saves you the price of a hotel room for the night. You meet so many nice people on the train, and it is a real adventure, and a wonderful way for you all and the boys to see their birth country at it's most glorious.
I did this journey 5 times in total, saved a fortune, and it was wonderful. If most Kazakhs can travel this way, then so can we.

Unknown said...

I am taken back by where you are. I had no idea of what was going on until last night when someone mentioned your blog at an Olathe party we were at. Know that my love and prayers are with you all. I am touched by your thoughtfulness as you write about the "limbo" that you are in. Yes, God, knows . . . and trusting in this assurance is the way that we can all go through each day. May today reveal his plan for your family!

Trey said...

Hang in there. For us, in fact it was a miscarriage that originally led us to adoption. We have two home-grown girls, but after a miscarriage Sandy said something was missing in her heart. Something good needed to result for there to be healing, so we started considering adoption, and of course our lives are changed and the joy is immeasurable. Keep looking for the opportunity for something good that would not have happened otherwise. Only God knows His plan. We are praying for all of you.