Thursday, June 26, 2014

Sometimes I Take for Granted

Sometimes I take for granted that...

1)   I have people in my life who love me just the way I am.
2)  I have a husband who works incredibly hard, who never complains about his work.
3)  I have a warm, comfortable bed to sleep in each night.
4)  I can have clean clothes any time I want.
5)  My children love and respect me a lot, and never hesitate to show it.  They also like being with me.
6)  I receive tender touches each and every day from someone around my home, be it an arm across my shoulder, a peck on the cheek, a long bear hug just because, or a hand that reaches for mine.  This may be my #1 thing to be grateful for and not take for granted.  Human touch is important.
7)  I have matured in my faith, and thus panic less while seeking and listening more.
8)  No matter how poor it is, I still have correctable eye sight.  Bi-focals on order, and super expensive lenses because of the Rx being so high, but at least I can still see the leaves on trees clearly, and the smiles on the faces of those around me.
9)  My car runs, I can rely on it because it is in good shape regardless of how old or how many miles on it.  I don't have to hold my breath when I turn the key in the ignition.
10) I have several friends to laugh with...and cry with when necessary.
11)  I have a husband who has been my one and only forever.
12)  I have a happy, yellow house.  I absolutely love pulling on to our street and seeing our happy yellow house.
13)  The water that comes out of the tap is clear, cool, and clean.
14)  I can read and write well, I can understand virtually anything I read no matter at what level it is written.  I realize that many Americans do not have that ability, and it has made a huge difference in my life.
15)  Every day of my life, there are smiles around me, there is virtually no anger, no arguing, no discord.  I know I take it for granted, but I often give thanks for this very thing, for I can never express my gratitude for that enough.
16)  I have strong, smart, capable people circling me, some who carry my last name and some who do not.
17)  I have what I need, and some of what I want...and that is a blessing.
18)  I am safer than many are when they go to sleep at night.
19)  I take for granted that I have children, wonderful, amazing, super thoughtful, pretty darned perfect children.
20)  I take for granted that I have suffered some hardships in my life, and where I am today in life is a direct result of those hardships.

Ten minutes ago I stood in the hallway while five children crowded around me, telling me about their evening and what they had done while I was gone.  They were quietly standing there, one tall one with an arm around my waist, another grinning from ear to ear telling me about a project they were working on.  As I reminded them that Kenny and I would be gone for his MRI in the morning, one by one they each said something along the line of, "OK, I can work on my math/stock market research/civil war leader report.  Don't worry, we'll be busy until you get home."  Then I was sweetly asked how my evening was, and if I enjoyed it.

I know this doesn't happen in many homes with teens this age.  I know that for many moms returning home from an evening out, there would barely be an acknowledgment of her presence, or a demand for her to do something for them.  Instead, I had my laundry pulled from the dryer and folded/hung for me by either the kids or Dominick, the kitchen was cleaned up so I had no mess to take care of, and I was hugged a lot and told to have sweet dreams tonight by my own children.

Sometimes I might take it for granted, but truthfully, it isn't very often.  With every quiet conversation, every hand hold, every glance up from what they are doing and a chipper "Hi, Mom!" is uttered...I know how blessed I am, I rarely forget it, for it is the key to why my life is so sweet.  With every sweaty end to a long, hard, hot day, with every laugh at the antics around us, with every night he comes home to me, I know I am blessed, and I rarely forget it.

Reserving gratitude for Thanksgiving is a travesty.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

I Love Epiphanies!

Do you ever have moments where you have a happy epiphany?? Today was one such day, and it caught me a bit off guard.

This afternoon, the kids and I were deeply involved in helping a friend pack a UHaul for a cross country trip to move to California.  There were four other adults around, helping to pack this couple's belongings, and when we arrived bearing a large refrigerator dolly, the project started.  Within 10 minutes one thing was surprisingly apparent...

Our kids have developed a sense of teamwork and an ability to assess a situation and act accordingly that is rare in a group of kids this young.  I don't know why I saw it all of a sudden, but it was as if every frustrating moment of teaching logical thinking, planning, etc. all fell into place, creating a sort of beautiful ballet, carefully choreographed movements, leaning on one another's gifts and avoiding weaknesses.  There was little need to tell them what to do, they just got in and somehow seemed to know exactly what was needed, and didn't wait to be told.  Boxes were handed to one another in bucket brigade style, minimizing unnecessary running around, quiet consultations were held about how best to move particular pieces of furniture, and all was done so efficiently that it would seem there was a professional moving team present.

It was a thing of beauty to watch, truly...until the adults present thwarted it.

The kids politely stepped aside as some sort of quiet power play erupted between adults present.  Though not at all directed at the kids, it was interesting to watch as all action slowed to a snail's pace, and Team LaJoy quickly recognized they needed to just let things unfold as others worked through their issues.

We operate differently as a family, as Dominick and I really respect our kids' opinions.  Though we may not always agree with them, we have always heard them out, encouraged them to share, and very often do end up acting on their recommendations or ideas.  This may seem odd to some, as I know many families have a more top down kind of hierarchy, but we see our kids as thoughtful and intelligent, and find they bring a fresh approach to things that helps us view it all differently.

Matthew quietly asked me, "Mom, how old will I have to be for other adults to take me seriously and not just push me aside like I am a kid?"  He was trying valiantly to hold back his suggestions for how to pack more quickly and solidly as his area of giftedness in spatial thinking makes that a total breeze for him.  He knew it would be inappropriate to say anything, and decided the best tactic would be to walk away and let the adult struggle, as it was clear there was no desire to hear suggestions from anyone else, be it another adult or a child.

"Probably when you are 30 years old, people will start treating you like you actually know something.", I replied.

He was silent for a few minutes, then said, "Sometimes I appreciate you and Dad a lot more.  This is one of those times.  You never treat us like we are just kids.  Thanks, Mom.", then he walked back into the fray, willing to do what he was directed to do, respectful as could be.

Another little epiphany is that Joshua is really maturing.  Today he went for his "interview" to volunteer at the library.  He had completed the application all on his own, and when we entered the library he walked right up to the office by himself without any urging on my part and knocked, then confidently sat down to answer any questions they had about his application.  He arranged his volunteer time...Tuesdays between 11:00 - 1:00 pm, and will be doing lots of odd jobs around the library, eventually leading to shelving books.  He came out and told me all about it, and that his first day next week he would need to go in a little later to be trained.  I thought back to how reluctant he would have been even a year ago to do something like this on his own, or talk to a stranger by himself, and I couldn't help but smile.

That young man has come a long way.  He may still bring his blankie camping with him, but there is a quiet self-assurance that is emerging that is so rewarding to see in him.  He is so cute right now, as he bandies about with an enormous necklace with a lightning bolt pendant dangling from it.  It cracks us all up, as he unknowingly looks like a mini-Asian gangsta' wannabe, which was TOTALLY not the look he was hoping for!  He was startled to see that the necklace arrived with a 3 inch lightning bolt instead of a very small, delicate one he thought he had ordered on Amazon.  Though he was pretty disappointed in it, he decided to wear it anyway, because he paid for it and didn't want to send it back.  Since he knows nothing of hip hop culture, it is even funnier, because he has no clue why we might find it funny.

Tonight was another final epiphany of the day.  We all sat around chatting about our future, Dominick's work, and a couple of ideas we are working on.  The kids literally stunned me with their encouragement and support as we talked.  They spoke of God's guidance in our lives as I admitted that I am not hearing or seeing any clear directions, and they reassured me that they all feel we are on the right path, in the right place, doing the right things...and that in time we would know what God has in store for us all.  To hear such easy, every day acceptance of the Spirit's presence was surprising, as it came so naturally that it was clear to me that they indeed have taken in and are putting into practice all we have tried to teach them over the years about being patient while the Spirit takes time to work, and about having a sense of knowing when something is being guided by God or not.  To know that those lessons have been taken to heart and that the kids are that connected was a real gift to me.

We are at a stage where we are starting to see the fruits of our parenting labors.  I had someone recently ask me how I could stand being with that many teenagers all day, as they spoke about how much they hated this stage with their own kids.  For me, it is just the opposite, these years are so special.  We are seeing the kids blossom into fine young adults, people whose word can be counted on, people who are growing more aware of the world around them and realize they have a place in it.  The girls are both so, so special in our lives, lending a strong feminine vibe that is enjoyed by all of us as they point out things that would go right past the boys.  They all have so much fun together, and I couldn't imagine when we were young parents that we would ever, ever find the teen years to be so joyous.  Watching your children put into practice many of the things you have tried to teach them is particularly sweet.

Even cooler was looking in the rearview mirror after hitting the library today and seeing Angela had checked out an enormous biography on Ghandi, and Matt was reading a large tome on Warren Buffett, Joshua was enthralled as he read about tsunamis and stopped every 2 minutes to share some awesome fact, Olesya was knee deep in more forensics books, and Kenny was totally engrossed in the first book of the Left Behind series.  Our little bookworms wouldn't even look up from devouring their selections, and I couldn't help but laugh out loud at the tiny little miracle that is these kids.  Four years post adoption, and the girls are fully fluent and following interests they never imagined having.  Four years after being pulled from public school being unable to read at a 1st grade level, and Kenny is sailing along reading for fun!!  Five years later, and Matthew is doing what he always dreamed of doing, reading as much as he wants and pursuing his varied passions at a level far above anything he would have been able to find time for were he in a classroom.  Four years later, and Joshua is using his math skills to analyze stocks for his pretend portfolio, giddy as he makes his selections and steps into a world he might not have discovered at this stage.

I love epiphanies!

Monday, June 23, 2014

Time Set Aside

We went camping this weekend, for the first time in a couple of years.  It was a first outing for our "New to Us" hybrid camping trailer, recently acquired after months and months of stalking Craig's List, Ebay, RV Trader, and more.  We got our deal, by golly, as patience once again proved to be our best bet.  We had saved all the money I had put aside for the now returned harp, as well as all I had earned working at the homeschool shows in order to eventually be able to acquire what we hoped would turn out to be the right rig for camping adventures.  Without access to the funds from our former Charter Homeschool program, which was such a blessing to provide such wonderful academic field trips, we new would likely be unable to afford any travel at all unless we found some way to make it more affordable.  For larger families such as ours, it can cost upwards of $200 per night for hotels at even moderately priced places.  Throw in a few meals out, and you have costs of what can be $300+ a day or more to travel, without the cost of gas.  We wanted to still be able to get out and see things, but needed a replacement hotel room/personal kitchen to keep it more economical.  Hence, our desire to find the "perfect" Rolling Yurt for our Eurasian Crew.

Here's a glimpse of our trailer, now nicknamed "Guadalupe" to accompany the Big Green Machine (van) nicknamed Jorge.  We thought they would make a cute couple :-)

It was worth the months of looking, Guadalupe is 11 years old, but was in almost mint condition.  We stumbled across her, and turned out she was being sold by someone Dominick knew and trusted.  All of us were ecstatic, we never expected to find something so nice in our price range...she should have been thousands more!  We ended up with a hybrid, as we needed as much space as possible but with a smaller towing length and weight.  With a small slide out,and two pop out beds, this fit the bill wonderfully.  We no longer have a "One Butt Kitchen" and can pass one another, and there is a place for every shoe (a real menace we discovered long ago!), every book, every flashlight.  An enormous kitchen helps make it so much more comfortable for so many people to share a trailer.  We felt a bit like we were sleeping in a mansion versus our other experiences.

The kids get the bunk ends, the boys on one Queen size and the girls on the other.

Dominick and I get the fold out couch and the fold down dinette as our individual beds.  We couldn't believe we could actually sleep seven comfortably.

This has almost as much storage as our kitchen at home!

Best of all?  No wheels fell off, no leaks were found, no holes in the tent ends, nothing at all went wrong!!  Imagine that!  Hahaha!  Our first two nights in Guadalupe were so comfortable and cozy, we just couldn't believe it.  We kept our first trip relatively close to home, and just two nights, in case something went wrong.  Inside we managed to cram four bicycles, a large cooler, and a small BBQ that mounts on the side of the trailer as well.  We still look a bit like the Clampett's, but we are more organized.

The kids had a blast riding bikes all over, walking trails with Sunny, discovering cool lookout points.  Ridgway Reservoir is consistently rated the top state park in Colorado, and we are so lucky it is nearby.  Kenny and Matthew went on a biking adventure, riding about 10 miles over trails all by themselves, returning feeling like Real Men as Matt needed a little minor doctoring for a cut hand.  Joshie is in need of a larger bike, as none of us had realized he had outgrown his old bike, but is not yet tall enough for the bigger boys' bikes.  We need to save a little money and see if we can get him an "in between" bike until he gets a smidgen taller.  While the Big Boys were on their trek, Josh and the girls went with Dominick and I on a boat ride with friends from church who were camping nearby.  It was the first time on a small motorized boat for any of them, and they all thought it was wonderful!:

Windblown and loving it!

This was the view quite literally from our campsite. Pretty awesome, huh? 
Only 45 minutes from home...Colorado, how I love you!

Sitting on a rough hewn log bench high above Ridgway Reservoir, a dear friend and I watched an unequaled sunset play out before us.  The criss crossing of small sailboats creating a pattern of clear plaid upon the smooth, calm water, we took it in while quietly speaking of matters small and large, each of us pausing every few minutes to exclaim about the beauty that was being recreated over and over again in new patterns before us, as if God was manipulating a Holy Etch-a-Sketch on the sun dappled lake.  More than once I wished I had not left my camera behind, and multiple times I reminded myself to live in the moment, and not worry about capturing bits of collected data, but rather let my my mind record it indelibly on my soul.

It was time set aside, nothing else at that moment needed our attention, nor would we let anything pull us away.

Funny, but I have noticed that as our world around us speeds up, faster and faster keeping everyone busier and busier, our family seems to be feeling the need to slow down, to buck the system.  The kids all proclaimed that they are really enjoying doing absolutely nothing much at all this summer but a little activity here or TaeKwonDo, not much in the way of outside activities other than volunteering at the food bank, or doing a little church stuff.  They are daring to be different, not lazy, but intentionally slowing down when most young people their ages are speeding up as they begin thinking of padding college applications with activity after activity.  Ours are spending days doing a little school, a lot of reading, a lot of exploring different ideas and interests.  Not once have I heard, "I'm bored!!!" but often they've chanted, "I am so glad we have nothing we have to go do!"  I hope something is seeping deep within them, that they begin to understand they are the masters of their lives, they can control what happens and how busy they are.  Josh's big interview at the library is tomorrow, as he hopes to be allowed to volunteer.  His big excitement about that is that then he would be at the library every single week and be able to check out books more often!  He also loves the organization of a library, but said, "I want to volunteer, but I think one day a week for a couple of hours is plenty of time."

We can't wait until our next camping trip, which will necessarily be a few weeks away.  We have long time friends coming to spend a week with us, then church camp for all the kids.  That will be enough excitement for July, but we'll be planning the next get together for Jorge and Guadalupe, and hope to visit someplace totally new.

In the meantime, a few more moments that I did manage to capture.  Summer is moving slowly along, wonderfully restful and beautiful...Josh took these four photos:

Smiles and giggles, over very little!
Classic Kenny, aka:  Watermelon King

Lessie and her best friend!

Monday, June 16, 2014

A Summer Exploration and Falling More in Love

Every once in awhile you find yourself walking through a few days, just knowing it is special.  Nothing really all that extraordinary on the outside, but you sense the closeness of those you love more intimately than at other times, you have a greater appreciation for all that surrounds you and you are intentional about not taking it for granted.  Maybe it is because there is a small change up in routine, maybe  you sense the passing of time, or maybe you simply stop and look around you, seeing it all more clearly for a bit.  Whatever it is, you capture it on the film of your heart...and sometimes the sensor or your digital camera...and you can't help but feel how rich you are in so many ways.

This weekend we quietly celebrated Matt's 15th birthday.  FIFTEEN?!?!?  Where did my baby go?  Hidden beneath the hairy chin, the deep voice, and the broad shoulders I am thankfully still able to see that little guy:

Matt, you have a wicked, dry sense of humor that I totally dig.  You're such an incredibly intelligent, wise old soul and every one of us love how skilled you are at A) Finding us terrific new music to listen to, B)  Coming up with the perfect factoid to match whatever it is that we are conversing about, and C)  Being our Personal Tech Guy.  Oh, I miss my Doopy Doo sometimes, but if he were here, 15 year old Matthew wouldn't be, and I am having SO much fun with 15 year old Matt!  Thank you for still wanting your Mom and Dad to be close to you, to snuggle with us once in awhile, to beg us to sit down and play a video game with you or watch some video clip you've stumbled upon. In today's world, I realize that our relationship is rare among teenaged boys and their parents, and we don't for a moment take it for granted.  You, young man, are a gem, and what makes you even more special is how unaware you are of how your siblings idolize you, and how handsome and sweet you are.  Nothing is more attractive than a kind, quietly confident young man who is completely unaware of how awesome he really is on so many levels.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, Matt.  Our entire family couldn't be what it is without our calm demeanor through rough seas of change, your open hearted acceptance of so many others, and your unknowingly setting such a good example for your other siblings. You have always set the stage and standard, and been observed far more closely than you ever knew...but we sat back and saw it each and every time.  Oh yea, and thanks for sharing your goldfish crackers with me :-)

We spent Saturday driving 2 hours away to a state park that for years we have wanted to visit.  Rifle Falls has a reputation for being beautiful, and we sure were not disappointed.  All of us were eager as we loaded up the car and drove north, after having allowed ourselves the luxury of sleeping in late.  Everyone excitedly exited Jorge the Van, and headed down the very short trail toward the falls.  The boys were looking forward to exploring and climbing, and the girls had cameras in hand ready to snap photos for their beginning photography course we are all three working on together over the summer as an elective class.  Here are the LaJoy Men, grins a mile wide, anxious to get going and wishing mom would stop taking pictures!!!

It is growing harder and harder to think of any of the boys as "boys", not only due to their size, but in large part because they act far more like men these days.  Seeing this photo, I couldn't help but grin myself...for I know the secret that this isn't just for the camera at this very moment.  This closeness that is so visible here carries on throughout all our days.  What love they all share with each other!!

The girls were ready for action as well.  How they too have matured!  Young women already, our time together has, in some ways, felt far, far too short, but in other ways it is almost impossible to remember our Pre-Angela and Olesya life!  They have brought us giggles galore, softened us all, and been a delight to me personally in numerous ways.  Shopping together, being slightly girlie together (let's not get too carried away! HAHA!), speaking as women together as we make our observances about the world around us, I simply could never have fathomed what a blessing they would be to our family.  

Within just a few moments, ahead on the trail we saw THIS:

Better yet, we got to hike up behind the falls, and over the top of them...time to take off to see it all!

Men on a mission

Dad and Angela working their cameras

I paused to take note of something up close, wanting to have examples of macro photography opportunities all around us.

Steps leading to the trail above the falls.  Sort of a symbolic photo for me of the surprises that await you if you are willing to keep climbing, keep working, keep dreaming.  I really liked this photo when I saw it.

Matthew behind the falls.  The cool mist covered us all as the sun played hide and seek with us the entire afternoon.  There were small caves behind the falls to explore as well.

Dad and Lessie at the front of a small cave.

Joshie loved being near the top of the falls, and could have sat there for hours if there hadn't been so much more to discover!

Inside one of the cave areas

Dominick watching all the kids head down the trail.  This was our pre-Father's Day celebration, and he had such a nice outing!

Angela giggling as she takes the long way up a slope, she could have taken the steps a mere four feet away!  This was more fun.
As we hiked further up, I was treated so sweetly.  My right hip is causing me more and more trouble as I try and go up stairs or climb upward, and every single time we hit a place that I had to go up or down any great amount, one of the kids was always there holding their hand out to help me.  "Don't worry, Mom, we'll wait for you." or "Here, let me help you." was often said, and I was so grateful for the thoughtful gestures.

Ahhhh...this is what we came for!  Rock Climbing!

Kenny is always sweetly compliant when mom has the camera in hand and yells out, "Hey, Smile!!"

Our Big Adventurers!

Joshie decided to stay a little lower.

The girls on the lookout for wildlife, but all we saw were chipmunks.  However, there were signs near the restrooms warning of...get this...Moose attacks!

Awww, this little guy tugged at my heart strings this weekend.  He slept on our floor one night, after begging to sleep in our room.  On our way home from this trip, we stopped at the mall located halfway between Moose Attack Country and Home. We needed to pick up a few things, and headed to the Boys Dept. to get Josh a couple of much needed shirts.  Matthew was with me as the other three went off looking at something else with Dominick. We quickly realized that Josh can no longer find clothes in the Boys Dept. to fit him, and Matthew and I looked at each other with stunned expressions as we headed off the the Men's Dept. for Men's Small shirts for broad shouldered, barrel chested Josh.  It means I have had my last "kid clothes" shopping experiences, and I was a little melancholy about it.  Matthew cracked me up though when he said, "Mom, this feels weird.  Is this how it feels every time one of us grows up a little more?  I don't think I like it much.  I want Josh to stay little, and it is hard to think of him growing up so much!!"

Yup, Matt, stings a little, doesn't it?
It's also pretty cool to watch those you love grow and gradually work their way into adulthood in teeny tiny steps.  But I won't pretend it is easy.

Along the trail toward the top of the waterfall...

Here we are!  At the top!

Awesome sight and sound

These two.  What a gift they are to each other in so many ways.  How glad I am that homeschooling has allowed them time together to discover how much they really like one another.

Lessie...her new glasses sure help with taking photos!  
We teased her about not losing them in the water this time :-)

What a spectacular view!

When they weren't climbing rocks, they were climbing trees.

At the base of the waterfall, I didn't seem to get as many good photos of Angela this time :-(

At the end of the hike, we were greeted by a Ranger with a table of animal skins and antlers to look at.

We took our time coming home, stopping at a couple of campgrounds to check them out, enjoying just being out together.  After stopping in Grand Junction at the mall and Sam's Club, we finally found our way home at 10:00 in the evening!  Everyone agreed it was an absolutely perfect day, the best we have had together in a long time.  As we have an intentional "Staycation" this summer, we are going to take several day and camping trips to places around the area we have always intended to see but have never made the time to actually go.  Living where we live, it is almost impossible to see everything within a day's drive, as you could explore for weeks on end and still never see it all.  We want to go to Durango, Mesa Verde, White Sands, Moab, and more...all within a few hours of us.  We have been to Durango and Mesa Verde when we had just Matt and Josh, now it is time to go back with everyone, and they are all old enough to now remember it!

We know we are blessed to still have this time with the kids. At their ages, we ought to be rarely seeing them, as so many families find their true family time ends around 12 or 13 years old as activities and other things take precedence.  I know that works for many, many families, but I think we are all of the same mind that we don't want family life to end.  Each of the kids talks about loving spending time together, they plan things we will do together as everyone grows older.  As I sit and listen, I hope we have laid a foundation for deep ongoing relationships with one another even as everyone eventually moves on to their own adult lives. But I do know one thing, none of us are ready to give up what we have right now, and we relish each and every moment together, whether we are working together, or having fun. 

As Angela put it, "Why doesn't every family do this stuff?  You don't have to have a lot of money to have fun together, there are a million free things to do in America!"  She's totally right, and we intend to do as many of them as we can squeeze in! :-)

And I think that at Rifle Falls I fell a little more in love with my family.  Didn't think it was even possible, but with each passing day I realize that yes, you can find yourself ever more in love with those dear to you.  What a surprise, it was something I had never realized about life!

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

But Still...

This weekend's sermon at church caught me totally off guard.  Our pastor was speaking about Pentecost Sunday and the arrival of the Holy Spirit, and relating it to the birth of a young infant boy she witnessed a few years back.  She said she knew immediately that this child's spirit was there, fully formed and the room filled with it.

Never before have I had the yearning I had that very instant, it reached inside of me and grabbed hold so powerfully that I never could have explained it to anyone else right then.

I mother five amazing, wonderful children, but I wasn't present for any of their arrivals.  I have never witnessed a birth, never felt that sense of spiritual arrival with the first breath taken, never heard the first cry of another human being...heck, I could probably count on one hand the number of times I have ever even held a newborn in my arms.  I can't compare that moment of spiritual arrival with the young people they have turned out to be, I can't say, "From that first cry, I knew he would be a fighter!" or "She is as sweet today as she was her very first moment of life."

It is a loss I have never really felt to be a loss until that moment this Sunday morning.

Perhaps I have elected not to dwell on the unchangeable.  Maybe I have been so focused on what we do have that I don't want to consider all that we have missed.  Well, truth be told, I have often thought deeply about what our children missed as they grew in orphanages, for we have to deal with the aftereffects of that period of time in their lives.  I have never really given much thought to all that I have missed, and maybe I am just beginning to perceive it as a true loss.

Years of night time peeks at sleeping angelic faces.
Months of cuddling with baby lotion scented tiny little bodies.
Firsts...first words, first lost teeth, first smiles, first skinned knee, first everything that happens when young.

It is so strange sometimes, to feel so incredibly connected to other human beings, and yet no absolutely nothing about years and years of their lives.  It is odd to be asked questions at doctor's offices and have to give a casual shrug of the shoulders as you respond that you have no clue.  It is haunting to see scars, or witness day to day cognitive challenges and have no answers as to why they are there.

We make up for it, though.  We walk laughingly into the uncomfortable, we tolerate the thoughtless today when Angela had to get a blood test and the technician asked where she was from, and what school she was an exchange student at.  There Angela sits, a little vulnerable from having very few needle sticks in her life and scared about what is to come, and she looks over at me with a helpless look, as if she didn't even know how to respond to that one quickly when her mind was occupied with a bit of fear about what was coming next.

We do our best to work through it with humor and maybe, on a good day, a little bit of grace.  Again today, we were shopping and there was a Sample Lady who was cooking something for customers to try.  It was going to take awhile, so I told Angela I didn't want to wait.  She started giggling and batting her brown eyes at me, cracking me up when she said, "But Mom, you have only had me four years and have had to wait for almost nothing for me my whole life.  You have gotten off the hook! Can't you make up for it by waiting for me now for 3 minutes to get the sample??"  I busted up, and yes, we waited, arm in arm with no one around us understanding what we were laughing about.

Despite the loss, there is so much we all have gained.  However, acknowledging the losses on all sides is important, too.  There is, of course, the profound loss that birth parents experienced.  The losses the kids have suffered are tremendous, too.  That may be the reason why I have pushed aside my own feelings of loss experienced through adoption, because the losses of the other parties seem much more profound than my own.  After all, we gained in the long run, didn't we?

But still...those little tiny baby fingers that never wrapped around mine...that cry that only newborns make the first couple of weeks of life that I never heard...the gap toothed smile of front teeth missing and the temporary lisp that accompanies it were never seen and heard.

The breath of life still came though, and I remind myself of that.  The Spirit's soft blowing skimmed across our home and the people in it, bringing us together in unique fashion, and filling us with something quite special.  I wouldn't have it any other way.

But still...

Church Birthday Celebration...Angela and Kenny were AWOL when the camera was out!!