I have removed comments today from the one reader who continues to be negative, present as an expert (are ANY of us experts in this??), and in this one comment which was repeated twice was patently wrong. Using this blog as a forum for disinformation is something I can't allow. I have never removed someone's comments before, believing sincerely that just because someone disagrees with me doesn't mean they shouldn't be allowed to voice it. But this person, who continues to remain anonymous and seems almost gleeful at our current dilemma in addition to wanting to make their personal situation seem the norm (it is not) is no longer going to be allowed to post on our blog.
In the interest of honesty, I wanted to share that decision with you all. It is not in an effort to keep things looking "rosey"...surely the past several days have been a testament to that. But one person's personal situation (including our own) does not mean every older child adoption turns out that way. There are hundreds a year that are splendid successes. Dee's blog at the
"Crab Chronicals" to the left is just one example. Whether ours will be or not remains to be seen. Each situation is as unique as the personalities involved.
Thanks for your understanding. Anonymous, don't bother commenting anymore as it will be immediately removed, regardless of the nature of the comment.
24 comments:
Good for you, Cindy. I was hoping you would do something about that "Debbie Downer" person and her negative comments.
Dear Cindy,
Obviously, we who give you advice from the comfort of a home thousands of miles away cannot hope to do more than give you something to think about. But, if you can't reach the adults about the potentially disastrous consequences of their pressure, I don't see anything wrong with laying out to the older one the potential consequences of her choice. Ask her to ask someone who you trust to give her the truth, what will happen when she turns 16. I would not do that until the last day before the choice is final, but I think she needs the truth laid out for her.
Also, if you wouldn't allow an 11 yo to make this decision, then why won't you coerce a bit when it is forced on her? She does not know what she needs, and if you sense that she can attach, what you do in this one week won't really affect her relationship with you that will be based on years of interaction. I have used motherly guilt for years and my sons all still love and respect me! :) There is nothing wrong with admitting to her that she will hurt you deeply b/c you came around the world for her after she told you to. Again, I would leave this to the end, but I would let her see your tears of pain. She needs to know that you love her enough to cry over her. All of you do. Part of being a family member involves learning that you can hurt them. I remember as a young teen who threw the "you don't love me" at my mom, feeling truly touched and actually believing the opposite when she broke down in tears as a result. Had she remained stoic, I might have continued to doubt. With her tears, she convinced me as nothing else could have.
However, I know you are praying and working toward unity with the girls, so just take my advice as another throwaway option...in the end we all know you are doing your absolute best and if it fails, it will not be for lack of trying on your part. God bless. Sherry
Thanks for the mention of my blog. I do try to give folks a realistic picture of older child adoption. It's challenging but rewarding, in the majority of cases.
Cindy, I am praying for you all, all the time. You are so wise, and so much calmer than I would be in your shoes. I hope and pray you and Dominick can find a way to bring the girls to a real home.
Hugs,
Dee
Thank you from all of us.
Teresa F.
Bravo!
Love, Lael
Thanks for blocking anonymous blogger! I would say more on this but you have said it and those of us who know you understand that this blogger does not! How sad that someone is in such pain that they try to find relief through being hurtful to others. Miss Joan
Hi Cindy and Dominick,
I'll keep praying for a good outcome for you and for he girls to join you and to want to go home with you.
Also I feel you need to talk to Angela about her fears.
In a way it's not fair to expect her to stir towards you if you do not show her you care and you want to parent her.
Do not just wait, help her.
She is just a child, she needs to GET IT, to understand the difference between parents and carers.
You need to meet her more than half away. She isn't refusing to go out with you, she's just too scare to love you guys right now, you need to show her it's ok, you need to explain you will be there for her now, during the adoption process, when she adjust to life back home, later with her goals, and even as a grown up you'll be a safe harbour to shelter her when things go though.
Even if she decides to leave just for "opportunities", well she isn't a cold person and love WILL win, maybe it's best it happens at home in the US where she doesn't have to feel guilty for loving you guys.
Do not be too proud, do not want the stars, maybe O. can give you that right now, but A. just can't.
Work you relationship with O. it will be fantastic to have good attachment with her even if A. isn't there yet.
Maybe she can start to open when she sees just how happy her little sister is with you.
Give them a real chance to come home to you.
Praying for you all,
Teresa
PS. How many younger child adoptions would go through if parents left children behind at a sign of fear or coldness, I can't begin to imagine how many times I read parents saying that babies didn't look at them for a few days, for weeks, I have a friend with a 7 year old from China who refused Dad for the first 6 months!
PSS. You ARE THEIR PARENTS, please send away the booggie man.
While she was relaxing in a hot bubble bath tonight, I bounced your Angela's situation off my 5 yr old girl, adopted 9 months ago from Kaz.
Me: 'what do you think? DO you think she should go Mama Dom, or stay Dietski Dom?'
5 yr old: 'Mama Dom'
Me: 'Why?'
5 yr old: 'Cos it's special'.
Hope this keeps your spirits up!
Having your wonderful blog for this long and removing one person's comments after all this time is actually remarkable! You have many people supporting you and your family. Your boys are real troopers and a testiment to the love you and your husband are raising them with. This experience is something that will help build their already terrific character as you continue to guide them with such amazing grace!
I'm sorry for the "downer commenter!"
I'm praying for you and the girls- I can't imagine being in your shoes.Please know you have a bunch of us who support you! Hugs!
Team LaJoy
You guys are awesome! We are praying for you. I admire the strength of all of you. Guess if you listen to the Lincoln Brewster song it has worked for you "Strength will rise as you wait upon the Lord!" You did plenty of waiting...
What about inviting the teachers and coaches out with you? Include them and maybe even their families with you - say for bowling. Then you and your translator go around and individually talk to them. Tell them what the girls are wrestling over. Ask them what they think. Ask them what will happen to the girls if they stay. Let them know you have heard some are encouraging them to stay (don't accuse them) and ask them why some would do this. Address their fears so that they might be able to encourage the girls. Win them to your side and see if their opinion doesn't change to a more helpful one. And ask them for their help as a valued adult in the girls lives. If you find supportive ones pull the girls over and infront of you have them talk to the girls. Chances are the adults are just as clueless as to what a real family is as anyone else. Plus you know all the horror stories about Americans over there. Show them differently.
Just a brainstorm. We will keep praying for you.
Julie
(PS I would be happy to pay for the bowling party for you guys no matter what the size!!)
I too feel God has lead you to where you are. He has been very clear that this is where you need to be.
You all have so much to offer in the way of a happy loving family. Are you sure God has not brought you to this point for maybe another child in the orphanage? If it were me, that is what I would be wondering even if it felt wrong.
Is there someone else in your midst and God is saying "here! here! this is the child you need and that needs you".
I had a very difficult adoption. After a long, long wait I then ended up stuck in a foreign country for months.
I still have no idea why all the trauma and drama, but I did end up with a wonderful child that is the love of my life.
I often wonder if maybe God picked me because I would not give up, but I know now(in retrospect) God was there every step of the way wondering why it was so hard for me to fight my way out of the wet paper bag (emotionaly) I was in.
Thank you for sharing. We are rooting for you and hope it all works out in the end, 10 more days and it seems that progress is beginning. Hang in there!
i am praying for all of you.
hi, Cindy- You don't know me, but you inspired me to adopt my daughter from Aktobe, Kazakhstan using Pathways adoption in 1991. I have continued to follow your blog ever since. She is 9 years old now, and I also have an almost 11 year old daughter from Russia (and 2 boys) so I can easily visualize these two girls when you speak of them. I will pray for God's will during this trip. I have no advice. You are handling it with grace and compure. All my thoughts,
Stephanie
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