Sunday, December 13, 2009

An Early Morning Plea

God, I have been up since 3:00 AM, my mind in a state of unrest. I am so grateful for the peace that has accompanied us throughout this journey, you have truly cradled us all in your arms and for that I am grateful. The events of the past week would have been so much more difficult without Your presence.

My heart hurts so much, as does the collective heart of our entire family. Why do such things happen? So close and yet a hardened heart can create more distance than once separated us physically. You have given me great insight into what our precious sons would have been like had they remained in state care, and I give thanks a million times over for their open and loving hearts. You hear what can happen to these children of Yours, and yet seeing it and feeling the self-imposed isolation first hand makes it all too clear.

You love us, you love our girls. Why can't this work? They are not bad children, on the contrary they are terrific kids. We are not a bad family, at least I have never thought so, and yet somehow this is not making any sense.

You know why, even if we don't. There are moments when I sure wish you would share your closely guarded secrets with us. It might help us make sense of the broken world we live in...a world where children can be damaged so greatly on the inside but appear healthy and whole on the outside. And yet our world places far more importance on the exterior than the interior, doesn't it?

What a shame.

We are here, God, waiting to be used somehow. However you want is fine with us. Down to the Littlest LaJoy we stand before you with love to offer and share, arms open wide.

You need to work it out. We can't.

Give us the gift of amazing discernment right now. For we are too emotionally sucked in to see the larger picture. Be with us every moment, for we are tired beyond belief and in need of rest. Carry us, as we feel at moments we can not lift our foot one more time to plod on.

Make sense of this, please???

Help us to do what is right and good, help us to cause no harm. Let us hear Your voice over all others, as often what You want is not what others think is best. There are many who care, and we are grateful. But it is Your guidance we seek with every breath we take...for we simply can not do this alone. Let us have courage, regardless of the outcome. Let others see how hard this is, and hold their tongues of judgment should we do what they feel we ought not. And let us be gracious and loving in all we do, always.

You have brought us so far, bring us to where you want us to be in this. Teach us what we need to learn. Let our hearts be open to whatever unfolds...don't let this harden us.

Thank you for all, for the desperate cold, for the warmth of love in our apartment, for the peace we share, for the expressions of faith in us from afar. You have given us much to be thankful for, we have no cause for anger.

But we are so sad, we are so very, very sad. Your children should never have to go through this, they should never be so walled up at 11 or 9 years old. It has served them well for so long, but it is what stands in the way of blessings unfolding.

Be with us. Please.

Amen

27 comments:

lisatony said...

LaJoy Family, we are praying.
"Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your path; guide me in your truth, and teach me. For you are God, my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long." -Psalm 25:4-5
Hold them close, Jesus. Comfort their hurt and confused hearts. Show them what you have for them in this. And be glorified, Father. In the name of Jesus, amen.

-Lisa & Tony (a waiting KG fam)

Anonymous said...

Cindy,

I have been reading your blog, and my heart is breaking for your family. I look at Viktoriya, and I remember when she showed me exactly what you are seeing. How she walled herself off from us. How scared she was to become a part of a family - scared to believe she could know something different from her past. I look at her now, and I thank God for pulling us all through to this other side. Where she adores being part of a family, even though she still struggles more than I think we always know.
I don't know what God's path is for you, but I know you are doing all you can to seek His way for your family.
One further thing - God definitely used challenges in our pre-adoption time to prepare our hearts for the fight ahead. Whatever the end result, He is preparing your hearts now for the future to come. Take some peace from that and hold on to Him. I wish I could offer you more than what seem like very weak words.

Praying for all 7 of you.
Sharon

tabolskys said...

Cindy,

No matter what happens, God has already used your family. You have shown these girls that they are loved and valued. You persevered over years, never giving up, and then traveled around the world to them. They have seen this and I pray that this will sink in to their innermost being, that they will always know how loved and valued they are. I pray that this will change their lives, regardless of where their home is.

Cindy, we are praying for great wisdom, guidance, and clarity for you all. May God's peace fill you all, girls included.

Melissa from CA

pearly1979 said...

Has there been any talk from the officials about other available children? I know you went there to adopt THESE girls, but if your arms are really open to what God is wanting for you, should you be completely keeping that off the table? Maybe you aren't, but I think you said you were? What if God did all this to get you there? What if there is another child or children there waiting if you would only see them?

Maybe I am way out of line here and I am sorry, but it just seems that if you were truly open, there are some things you would think about looking into by now.

I know I can not know what you are feeling, and I am not judging, but as I read I am asking this question. And you don't owe anyone an answer, but I guess I just wanted to put it out there.

-Sarah, who adopted kids (from Petro) who were exactly NOT what we set out to adopt, yet God knew better than me and I listened.

Allison said...

My heart aches for you and for the those poor girls. We are continually offering prayers for all of you.

Christina said...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Kate said...

I had a flash of insight(?). Don't visit one day. Just you. Send your husband and the boys to visit the girls. Don't give an explanation. Let's see what their reaction is.

Spend the day pampering yourself. Do they have some sort of spa where you are? Get a massage. Read a book. Take your focus off the girls completely for the day. Meditate. Pray. Journal. Be kind to yourself.

Anonymous said...

What a beautiful prayer from a beautiful woman in a beautiful family!

Now, all that truth being said, know also that your Montrose cheerleading team and all the Hillcrest pray-ers are working overtime with you. Don't know the outcome, but you are not alone in petitioning God often and fervently.

Love,
Lael

Anonymous said...

Adding my voice to your prayer, Cindy. Amen.

-SusanC

Bill and Cathe: said...

Dear LaJoy Family; We too are praying for you.
God knows what's right for you and the girls. Do be patient. Sometimes the way isn't clear to us at first.

-Warmest regards

Carol M said...

I'm guessing you have already explained to the girls, but is there any chance that the girls are upset that you didn't come sooner and need to have the reason explained to them...that it wasn't your decision, and you came as soon as you could?

aultfamily said...

What a beautiful prayer to God Cindy. I pray that He makes your path straight.

May God bless your family through this emotional, heart breaking, trying time.

MaryAnn
(Fairly new reader to your blog)

Anonymous said...

We'll keep praying for a good outcome to all of you.

Teresa

Ohiomom2121 said...

Dear Cindy,
With arms open to God's choices in your life, I am sure you will find His window in this, whether it be to try with the girls despite misgivings, pursue other children while you're there, or to go home sadder and wiser. God bless and your family is in my prayers. Sherry

Kimberly said...

Cindy - what a beautiful prayer. It truly echoes my own prayers of late as I struggle to understand when God seems so very quiet.
I continue to pray for all of you - for wisdom, for discernment, for the ability to hear that still small voice of God.
Blessings to you!
Kimbrly

Anonymous said...

Lord hear our prayer. Amen.

Lindsay said...

I know you have not wanted the Director to talk to the girls for fear of putting them under addtional pressure, which I understand. But I do think you should let it happen. Explain your fears of them being pressurised. Let Angela see that you are determined and ready to fight for her and her sister.

Praying you see a break through soon.

Betsy said...

I continue to pray for you and your family. Even when we trust in an awesome God and know he is in control, it is hard when things don't go the way we hoped. I'm praising God for the way He has opened your hearts to love these girls regardless of the outcome. What an incredible gift you have given them! Praying that you will feel comforted by all of us who are thinking of you on the other side of the world.

Maria said...

The sadness of hardened hearts. You read about it in the Bible, but, sadly, I now have a much better understanding of what it TRULY means. You are right in that the only voice you need to be listening to is God's. I have a sign beside my bed that says, "Listen closely because God is quiet and the world is loud." So true -- especially now. God WILL tell you what to do and will give you peace about it -- even if the answer is heart wrenching to you. I am continually reminded of how God handled the situation with our adoption when we walked away. He made it ABUNDANTLY clear that He most CERTAINLY wanted this girl in our family. I know that He will do the same for you all. I will pray for that. Know you are all loved!!

Kim Adams said...

Amen.

Lori said...

My heart is aching for you all...I'm begging God to let those little girls see what life can give them...but I'm praying for yor continued peace should His answer be "No."
Much love to you all...

angela said...

Amen and Amen.

Sometimes their created family there pulls them more than the family from away...must seem very foreign. I pray you will be able to pull away and like a rubberband they will snap back into place. It is difficult for them to see the whole, real picture. Bless you and your family. Bless those girls with discernment.

julievilardo said...

Team LaJoy
Praying for you guys!!!!
Really hope it becomes easier soon.
Julie

Anonymous said...

You are love all over the place & we are all praying for you. On Sunday we started praying for you guys over there. We have some great prayer warrors over here so put it in Gods hands & let him gide you. We have three girls & with our girls they just needed us to show them lots of incourgement & that they are loved. I know that you are doing what God wants so just keep up with the love you all need. You well be in our prayers always, so know you are loved.
Michele
Destiny (came home 8/08)

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Pat and Alli said...

You have a beautiful family. You need to consider what is best for your loving and tender-hearted boys. As terribly sad as the decision was to make and as painful as it feels I think you did make the best decision. I'm so sorry for the girls. They have very little capacity to understand the love of a real family and how much being part of one is so much better than what they have now and what they have to look forward to. My heart is heavy for them.

I pray tomorrow will be a better day.

Allison

Sara said...

Dear LaJoy family,
I have silently followed your blog for a while now, and am choosing today to write for the first time.
My heart breaks for the five of you and for Angela and Olyessa, though each of them for very different reasons. Following your gut is ALL you can do. Do not second guess your decisions. Do not try to understand the why, though I hope one day it will become clear. Having come home from Kaz last month without a successful adoption, I understand on a very minor level what you are going through. Our situation was so different, but one thing that was the same is we had to trust our gut. Sure, you could have a happily ever after, but you have to know what risks you are comfortable with. Never second guess that decision.
I hope and pray that this journey leads you to a place of peace, however the remainder of your trip plays out.
Thinking of you lots with much admiration and support.