I've tried to write, I truly have. I have typed, deleted, typed again, deleted again.
Nothing has felt right, many things feel wrong...yet all is well.
I promised I would not abandon the blog, and I meant that and still do. However, there are times when it is necessary to step back, quiet the noise, and reassess your life. This seems to be one of those times, and I have limited my time on social media as well as blogging. I can't listen to the cacophony of campaign rhetoric, the diatribes, the rants. I can't read about other children and families disintegrating, my Facebook feed filled with sharing of anguish and heartache. I can't watch another video of black men dying, of policemen chasing, of guns blazing.
My heart has been in a distant place lately, and I find it difficult to engage with others. Battling this summer and into early fall against the trauma that remains, the brain damage that is so often denied by others, the dilemma of old injuries thought repaired and yet remains, I am worn out. My soul feels utterly lost at moments, and I have needed to curl inward just to keep going. Is it dramatic over here in rural Colorado? Not outwardly, because we handle it...and we handle it well. But handling it also comes at a cost. We intentionally keep the drama to a minimum, comforting as we work through PTSD (never thought of it existing in our home until this summer, but oh boy, is it true), reassuring as we work with a brain that literally shut off part of the time these past couple of months, and praying with great gratitude as we know full well it could be so much worse.
Yes, all is well. We are holding together strong, we are caring deeply for one another, we are moving forward with confidence that we will absolutely make it. We really have no doubt. Doing it the healthy way, not ignoring the pain nor pushing it aside, talking it through, being honest and as authentic as we can is hard, hard work. We are not letting the outside world distract us as we circle the wagons and fortify ourselves.
This isn't a 100 yard dash, it is a marathon to open hearts.
Kenny has had a powerful and certainly most painful summer, so difficult to witness and yet he
This isn't a simple sprint, it is an unending series of hurdles unfolding before him.
Sometimes, it isn't graceful, sometimes you trip and fall, or you have a false start, and you have to fight to come from behind...our kids all feel like they are coming from behind in one way or another.
Disciplined thinking and working at utter honesty about fears has been the theme for Josh, as he has
Like the decathlon, there isn't a single event, there are many, each with their own skills to be developed to master the course.
The mental part of the race can often mean the difference between winning and losing, far more so than the physical considerations.
The things holding us together are intangible, but ever-so-strong...our faith, our complete and utter devotion to one another through good times and bad, the knowledge that together we are stronger than we are individual and that we need one another desperately in hard times. As I have read some of the most beautiful and moving writings lately from each of them, I realize they embody what it means to be a LaJoy, that our years of talking about Team LaJoy, of reinforcing togetherness, of listening and talking, of speaking of character and what really really matters has taken root.
I also know that finishing the race strong after miles and miles of painful pounding is what makes the difference between "winners" and "losers". Endurance and steadfastness, the realization that it takes years and years to undue damage, and years and years more to build in self-worth. That last lap is where your doubts creep in the worst, where you battle inwardly because you are so exhausted and just want to stop and rest. The stamina necessary to cross the finish line in fine form comes from years of working those muscles...in this case, the emotional muscles...and if you haven't done the prior work necessary, this is where it all can fall apart as fast as you can blink an eye.
That is NOT going to happen here. We have done the work, we continue to be diligent, we will sustain one another as we do the hard, hard work of being vulnerable, of being honest, of healing.
And Love WILL Win, of that I am certain.