Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Struggling...

So I have come to the conclusion that I have a stinky attitude right now and need to get it together. Not sure why, but it has been a gradual yet certain descent into the depths of...I don't know. I have no real reason for it, but I am definitely not myself and I am tired of it! I am not necessarily Pollyanna all the time or Miss Merry Sunshine, but I am usually pretty upbeat and positive about life. Lately, not so much. I am struggling to see the bright side, I am wallowing at moments which is totally not me at all.

Maybe it is the uncertainty of my future, of our family's future. Maybe it is that I am struggling to figure out who I am at almost 43 years old and what path I should be following. Trying to keep priorities where they most surely belong often means I end up thinking of opportunities missed right now rather than seeing the long term gain of healthy, happy and healed children. Am I really meant for ministry in some form? Or am I totally misreading it all? Am I failing in areas I am unaware of and therefore can't correct? Is our adoption ever going to be completed? If it was all over tomorrow, would I feel as if I had accomplished anything? What will next week bring? Next month?

And in the long run, why am I fretting over it all? Usually I am much better at letting go, of seeing more clearly. It just isn't happening right now. Maybe it is similar to the melancholy I always felt prior to the start of school when I was a kid.

We have our dear friends from Chicago coming to visit today, and we will all go camping together for a few days. I am hoping that this will pull me out of my little funk and bring a brighter perspective. 10 people in our house, lots of laughter and games, and most importantly tons of love...how can I not be uplifted by that?

I also am excited for a blog following family from Hawaii who is traveling to Kazakhstan in a couple of days to adopt. Wishing you guys a safe journey and an obvious leading to a particular child who will delight you and melt your heart.

So I guess I am off to kick myself in the derriere and get back in the game!

2 comments:

Hilary Marquis said...

My last 48hrs. has stunk! I could use a strong dose of sunshine and a kick in the rear end as well! But, you know what? You're human, you have emotions and you are allowed to feel down now and then ;) Now, go get a Diet Coke and a cheesecake and I'll do the same (well, almost the same, I need a fully leaded coke!).

Bob; Carrie DeLille said...

Do you not know that you DO have a ministry? This very blog and your sweet words of wisdom and comfort and support is the greatest ministry one could have. You're waiting for your next challenge-they'll be here soon!!