I was driving around town today running a few errands when I instantly realized where some of my morose emotions are stemming from. I had pushed it to the back of my mind but it is not easily forgotten as it is a special day for Joshie's best buddy as well...
It is someone's birthday tomorrow, another one. Still not home. And immediately tears sprung to my eyes.
How many more stinking posts do I have to write like this?
I don't even feel safe (or brave) enough to make a cake and mark the day somehow ourselves, like we did with Kenny's birthday before he came home. Emotions are too raw, things feel too unsettled and uncertain. And yet I guarantee you I will think of nothing else tomorrow.
My heart breaks, the sobs well up in my throat, and yet we keep on believing, we keep on having faith on both sides of the world.
God will reward that faithfulness, I continue to pray.
Oh please...let this be the very last birthday post ever without photos accompanying it.
And I will walk around tomorrow feeling hollow and a tiny bit broken inside, and no one will know it, no one will care. For I am not "pregnant", I am merely "waiting" and for most that is not the same at all. How many of us carry things that others never see and can't comfort? Far more than we realize, of that I am sure.
But Someone knows, and maybe that is all that is necessary if I can get my head in the right place.
My dear, dear daughter...how I yearn for your presence in our lives, how I have prayed unceasingly. You have never, ever been forgotten, not for one moment. Someday you will read this and know how much my heart was with you at all times. It's not much consolation now, but it might be a revelation one day and somehow work to fill any little voids left in your heart.
So Happy Birthday, precious one. Go to sleep feeling our arms wrapped around you, imagine the kiss goodnight you will one day be tucked away with.
Love You So Very, Very Much,