Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Melancholy Madness Unmasked

I was driving around town today running a few errands when I instantly realized where some of my morose emotions are stemming from. I had pushed it to the back of my mind but it is not easily forgotten as it is a special day for Joshie's best buddy as well...

It is someone's birthday tomorrow, another one. Still not home. And immediately tears sprung to my eyes.

How many more stinking posts do I have to write like this?

I don't even feel safe (or brave) enough to make a cake and mark the day somehow ourselves, like we did with Kenny's birthday before he came home. Emotions are too raw, things feel too unsettled and uncertain. And yet I guarantee you I will think of nothing else tomorrow.

My heart breaks, the sobs well up in my throat, and yet we keep on believing, we keep on having faith on both sides of the world.

God will reward that faithfulness, I continue to pray.

Oh please...let this be the very last birthday post ever without photos accompanying it.

And I will walk around tomorrow feeling hollow and a tiny bit broken inside, and no one will know it, no one will care. For I am not "pregnant", I am merely "waiting" and for most that is not the same at all. How many of us carry things that others never see and can't comfort? Far more than we realize, of that I am sure.

But Someone knows, and maybe that is all that is necessary if I can get my head in the right place.

My dear, dear daughter...how I yearn for your presence in our lives, how I have prayed unceasingly. You have never, ever been forgotten, not for one moment. Someday you will read this and know how much my heart was with you at all times. It's not much consolation now, but it might be a revelation one day and somehow work to fill any little voids left in your heart.

So Happy Birthday, precious one. Go to sleep feeling our arms wrapped around you, imagine the kiss goodnight you will one day be tucked away with.

Most importantly...

Believe.

Love You So Very, Very Much,

Mommy

9 comments:

Lori said...

Oh, how this makes my heart hurt for you!!!!!!! Especially how alone you feel because it isn't a pregnancy you're waiting to finish, but an adoption....and people sadly make a big difference with that, can now say with experience. It makes me mad, too...because that dear girl you hold in your heart is no less yours and no less dear to you were she to come from your womb--and until one has been in that position and has waited in faith and love for a family member to be home, there's little sympathy sometimes.

I also hope and pray that this IS the last birthday without pictures....and I hope your heart feels comforted knowing people are lifting you and your daughters up in prayer!

Barb and Ken said...

I pray your daughter will be home soon. I know the feelings in your heart. When we were waiting for each of our four miracle grandchildren, my husband and I watched our daughters and their husbands hearts break a little more with each set back, as did ours. You have to work hard at hanging in there and praying as hard as you can. Your daughter WILL come home to you, but only God knows when. I pray along with you each day and night.
Barb
Nana to four through International Adoption and one Special Guardian Angel

Lenore Ryan said...

I feel your sadness! Continue to believe....we are all believing with you!! We pray that your family will ALL be together SOON!! ((HUGS)) to you, my friend!!

Anonymous said...

Prayers are flying from Virginia -- east to Colorado and west to Kazakhstan. May you, and your girls, feel the power of all the prayers that surround them from many, many people. They are remembered every single day.

Peggy in Virginia

Carol said...

Cindy, My heart goes out to you. It is really awful... I understand your sadness. Sending thoughts and wishes for your entire family to be united soon, and for comfort to each of you until it happens.

Susan said...

I'm one of the Kyrgyz families, so I completely empathize. I'm sorry. I hope your daughter is home next year. ...but I thought I'd say something about your earlier post when you were asking yourself all sorts of existential questions, including are you meant for the ministry. I'm an agnostic; I'm not very sentimental at all. And I find comfort and peace and almost faith reading your blog. If you can do that for total strangers who have never met you, who just see a glimpse of you on a computer screen, I can't imagine that you aren't meant for the ministry.

Heather said...

Cindy, I wish I knew the magic words that would comfort you. I know anxiety comes from uncertainty far too often. But know as you go through this time, I am praying and thinking of you. You are allowed to feel this way, but knowing you, you will push these feelings aside and get going with life and let God handle yours. I really can't wait to see these girls and I know that God would not have put this longing in your heart if He was not planning big things for your family, including the girls!

Dee said...

Hang in there, kiddo. I am praying hard! I know they will be home soon.

Bob; Carrie DeLille said...

Cry it out, my friend, some of us DO know and know the pain.

Kisses in the Wind

I hold you in my heart
and touch you in my dreams.
You are here each day with me,
at least that's how it seems.

I know you wonder where we are...
what's taking us so long.
But remember child, I love you so
and God will keep you strong.

Now go outside and feel the breeze
and let it touch your skin...
Because tonight, just as always,
I blow you kisses in the wind.

May God hold you in His hand
until I can be with you.
I promise you, my darling,
I'm doing all that I can do.

Very soon, you'll have a family for real,
not just pretend.
But for tonight, just as always,
I blow you kisses in the wind.

May God wrap you in His arms
and hold you very tight.
And let the angels bring
the kisses that I send to you each night. Author Pamela Durkota