Tuesday, January 12, 2010

When Will I Ever Learn??

A few days ago I wrote a rant about our health insurance premiums increasing an unexpectedly ridiculous amount. I learned from another poster that has the same plan in Colorado that they too got the huge Whammy.

Honestly, I hate to admit this, but it really, really had me stressed. We had called about the cost to add the girls to our plan, and were prepared for that hit, but this one was out of the blue and was a little terrifying...not only because of what it was going to cost us now, but what it meant for future premiums...we would be well over $1000 a month within a year or two! Add to that the out of pocket expenses for medical for all the things that are not covered until our high deductible was met and we were literally going to be medical care poor.

I stopped trusting, I lost faith for a bit...it was another reason I am not sleeping, running scenarios and seemingly impossible solutions around in my head for hours on end. Why is it that I have the hardest time trusting God in all things? We have never, ever been let down, and yet I am so weak in the Trust Department that I let things like this cause me far more grief than they should. I can't even blame it on being alone here without Dominick to commiserate with, or being in an inordinately stressful situation the past several weeks, or anything other than flat out being unable to se,e after all we have been through, that we are in better hands with God than we ever would be with Allstate.

I hate this about myself, it is a poor, poor example of what faith ought to be about. I always quickly hit the panic button and don't breathe deeply enough to let peace pass through me. I set about finding ways for ME to solve it only to further frustrate myself. How I envy those who are in a place in their faith life where they can truly say "I am not worried about it, God will take care of it!". I can do it sometimes, which I guess is better than nothing, but it is not enough and not where I want to be for I know there is more peace available to me if I am willing to let go and grab onto it. I guess I don't yet know how to fully do it right, and wonder if I ever will.

God must get so mad at me, after all, we have had amazing proof of the Holy Spirit's presence and ability to make our life so much better than we ever could. Why can I sometimes step out on faith pretty willingly and yet not trust when something unexpected happens??

Dominick checked into it, he found that BCBS appears to be trying to get people to transfer their policies to a new plan so they have by raising the rates quite high on the plan we currently have. I believe it as that is what happened in the past and how we ended up with an HSA. Raise the rates high enough and everyone will bolt to the new, improved option (which of course offers fewer benefits but better premiums than the outlandish ones they raise you up to). He shared with me that we could change plans with no medical underwriting and go to only a little higher deductible but there is no coinsurance option...but our premiums including the girls would be the same as it was this past year for the 5 of us.

God had it all under control, we'll be OK, and I still didn't trust it one bit.

How many times does God have to carry me before I am not scared of being dropped?

How many times do I have to see things work out for the better before I stress out over life events that are beyond my control?

How many times will I fail in an area I so very much want to succeed at?

When will I EVER learn?

Man, I am so sorry God. Go ahead and beat me over the head with a larger club, I seem to need it.


Hilary Marquis said...

And when He is done beating you with the larger club...He can come use it on me too! I'm so glad that our prayers have been answered for your insurance. I am glad that He has it under control. I wish that I was better in the Trust Dept too! You're not alone.

Kelly and Sne said...

In GOD you trust, in health insurance companies... read the fine print!

Anonymous said...

I'm also weak in the trust department -- when I read Exodus, it reminds me of my life... Get in trouble, ask God for help, God provides, thank God, go on my way, forget where the source of my strength is.... then repeat the whole process again. It sure helps to know that I'm not alone in the weakness!


Peggy in Virginia