Signs, Signs, Everywhere are Signs...

I have had several emails responding to the comment left on my last blog post. "Miserable and Destroyed" has shared her adoption experience and cautioned us to see many of the mountains we have had to climb as signs from God that we should not be proceeding. She has admittedly had a very rough experience with adopting an older child, perhaps one like we have all seen highlighted in magazines and on news shows with older children suffering with Reactive Attachment Disorder. My heart goes out to her, as it sounds as if she has suffered tremendously, not only with the adoption of her daughter, but has faced many other trials as well. There is a lot of pain there if you read between the lines.

Have we had things stand in our way that have told us to "stop"? Are we not listening to some sort of Divine Message? Are we ignoring signs that we are about to bring about the ruination of our family?

Do you think those thoughts haven't entered our minds with EVERY adoption?

Of course they have. In those quieter moments in the middle of the night, when I come across blogs of folks struggling mightily to conquer the RAD monster, when I speak with moms on the phone who turn to me for support and encouragement when no one else believes how their child acts behind closed doors...of course it makes me scared to think of what we might be bringing home.

In her comment she writes "And, now, now after the fact, I have become aware of so many other "forever families" in our adoption agency group who adopted older girls (seems to almost always be girls) whose lives are similar. They just covered up the realities out of shame or embarrassment. But, most of the "Mother figures" now say they want their lives back, they are tired of being cursed at daily, their daughters are the poster children of defiance. And, we are all so angry that we were misled, deceived, when we tried to do a good thing."

Those words are hard to read. They sadden me deeply. I do not distance myself from that experience...how could I after Josh? But there were a few things that stood out for me, and because I am receiving so many private emails about this I thought I should talk about my thoughts openly here. "they just covered up the realities of shame or embarrassment". Sadly, that is true. It takes a strong and straight thinking parent to see RAD for what it is...not a reflection on your parenting but a VERY VERY UNDERSTANDABLE reaction to life experiences.

We see attachment disorder as "wrong" and as "damaged" instead of...at least in my mind...seeing it for what it is, a perfectly reasonable reaction to pain inflicted on someone in childhood who does not have a large bank of positive attachment experiences to turn to and create some sense of balance when hurt by someone. Reactive Attachment Disorder is how living beings...be it animal or human...respond to being harmed, ignored and rejected by others.Think about it for a moment. When you were dating in high school or college, and loved someone deeply only to find they betrayed you or hurt you in some way, weren't you a little more cautious as you entered your next relationship? Imagine that kind of deep pain coming at an early stage of your life when you had no good experiences to look back on and help place the bad one in context. If the ONLY experiences you have had have included relationships where your needs were not met, where you could not trust someone (adults) to take care of you, and you had never had an adult who truly had YOUR best interest in mind and you could count on, what would adults be for you? When you think about it, RAD is not at all irrational, it makes perfect sense to me.

The problem lies in the very true statement our commenter makes, that adoptive parents cover up the realities out of needless shame or embarrassment. I was told this very thing by a therapist in Colorado Springs, that infant attachment disorder is far less known because adoptive parents think it reflects poorly on them, that they personalize it and are embarrassed to admit their child doesn't love them...and yes, that they don't love their child who is acting so unlovable. Hard stuff to admit, especially about an infant. It is wrong thinking in personalizing it as if the adoptive parent caused it instead of seeing it as a condition their child came to them with a condition they will help them through. It is this denial and fear of being “discovered” that keeps families from getting the help they need as soon as possible. Think about it, how awful would it be to admit that this longed for child is a wreck and hates you but cuddles up to others? Of course they do, there is no risk in warming up to strangers! With you...oh, the harm you could inflict on them if they should let go and love you! How terrifying it must be to try one more time to trust someone when your entire life you have been let down. What courage it takes for ANY adopted child to trust a new family. And that is not going to happen over night, nor is it always going to be possible.

I remember 10 years ago speaking with our Social Worker and discussing RAD, and how we felt we could handle physical disabilities but RAD was the single thing I thought I would not be able to handle. I was scared after all the horror stories used to prepare us for what might lay ahead, for you sure don't hear much about the tens of thousands of adoptions that go smoothly and the children bond quickly with their parents. I am so glad I didn't let those "newbie" fears stop us. We sure might have...

But look at what we gained...

Some kids are damaged beyond repair. But not many. The fact is that most can be helped tremendously, if parents admit there is a problem in the first place and place their child's needs ahead of their own fear of being seen as lacking. And yes, those fears are true...we have been judged countless times for the way we parent, for the screaming toddler we hauled around who was so very, angry and awful at moments. We have been judged right here on the blog for so many, many things we have done or not done in our life. We have had

people roll their eyes at us when they learn our children sleep on our floor once or twice a week, or that Josh was in bed with us until he was almost 5. We lost friendships with those who didn't

want to be involved as we struggled, we lost our son's early childhood to anger, we lost money for

treatments of all sorts.

But look what we gained.

And yes, I do know it could have gone the other way. Oh believe me, how I know it. As we adopted Kenn

y, it was never far from my mind...what in the world are we doing here? Are we STUPID or what? Why rock the boat after finally hitting smooth seas? Why adopt an older boy with special needs when we already have 2 boys and we are happy? Don't I realize how badly this could turnout?

But look what we gained.

Parenting is not easy. Adoptive parenting is not easy. Biological parenting is not easy.

Another thing that stood out to me in our commenter’s words was this statement:
“And, we are all so angry that we were misled, deceived, when we tried to do a good thing." And in an earlier statement she said “We went in to the adoption process wanting to "make a difference in the world" and have a legacy behind us when we were gone - but that is certainly not happening. “.

I know many wonderful people decide to adopt to “do a good thing” or to “make a difference in the world”. I also have found over the past 10 years that those who adopt for those reasons alone are often not prepared for the reality of what adoption brings. Sure, we all love that adoption makes a difference in a child’s life, but when that is the main motivator…when we want to merely “do good” and are not in it 100% because we want to parent, it is too easy to emotionally jump ship when our “project” bombs or when the fairy tale turns into a nightmare.

Dominick and I both know this is no fairy tale. As I said to one person this week already, I know that standing on the outside looking in it appears to be magical, this family story of ours. But it is not. They are real children with real histories that are not always what one would voluntarily want to invite into your home.

I can’t even really explain all the reasons we want to, for some are more elusive “gut feelings” than concrete reasons. But the one reason that has never changed in all these years of building our family is…we want to be a mom and dad. What we are doing is not altruistic in any way. Sounds selfish, doesn’t it? But the fact remains, our kids are not some sort of “do good’ers pet project” we are tackling so we can have people stand back and say “You are such saints!”. Heck, I could find much easier, less time consuming and frustrating things to do if that were all we wanted. No, we are adopting our girls for the same reason we adopted all three of our sons, because nothing in life has brought us more joy or more satisfaction. And nothing…and I do mean NOTHING in this world has ever made us feel more like we are doing what we was put on earth here to do. Everything else takes a back seat to simply being a family, to creating love, to nurturing others. For Dominick as well as myself, jobs are a means to an end, they are not who we are. They are a way of supporting what goes on at home.

I want to be a mom more than I have ever wanted to be anything in the whole world. I may have talents and skills in other areas that could have brought us decent financial rewards had I chosen to pursue them. Dominick could have made his career a priority and looked for satisfaction away from home rather than in the home.

But I think that it is wanting this parenting thing more than anything else that helps you hang on when the going is rough, that pushes you to advocate for your children when others have given up, to act lovingly even when love may not yet have developed…and, if need be, to relinquish your children on the rare occasion that you discover they are indeed so disturbed that you will never be able to help them and your own life is in danger. But many relinquish with love, even if you might not believe that is possible…I have spoken to a few who have done so and whose voices still carry the sound of regret that they were unable to help their son or daughter…who don’t call them “that kid” but will forever see them as their child.

When it comes to Dominick and I, neither of us could care less if we, in the words of anonymous, “have a legacy behind us when we are gone.”. That again seems to be more worrying about what others think than about wanting to be a mom or a dad. And my children are not my “legacy”. Who we are, the swath of love we leave behind us is the only legacy that really counts in my book. We could care less if the kids carry our name out into the world, in fact they could each revert back to their birth names for all we care!! But if they carry forth the love and respect for others they learned on our laps, well, that’s all the legacy we’ll ever need to leave behind.

Because this particular road to our adoption has been extremely long and arduous, does that mean that we are ignoring signs from God that we should stop…that our daughters should not come home? What signs should we be heeding? Do we live our lives from a place of fear? Do we let “could happen” dictate our actions? Or do we let dreams filled with joy and hope guide us? Do we do our research and march on in as prepared as we can possibly be?

I can not live as anonymous suggests, although I know many in this world do. I choose to see God as walking with us on whichever path we choose, present and waiting to reach out when called. Are we making a mistake? Anonymous is certainly not the only one to think so, and many have voiced their disapproval and disbelief in ways that are far less kind than the way our hurting friend here did. We have signs we have seen to, despite how arduous this journey has been…and still could be. Our signs aren’t big red “Stop” signs, they are different and more subtle…they are in the healing of our own son from the hurts of the past. They are in the crooked and scarred grin of an 8 year old boy who took our hand and walked away from his old life and bounded into a new one. Our signs are in the stocky build of a young man achieving his blue belt rank who at moments we were in fear he literally wouldn’t live to make it home, he was so malnourished and ill.

God does give us signs, we are provided road maps for our lives. Sometimes we follow, sometimes we veer down other paths. But God is always there. We are never abandoned unless we turn our back, and even then God waits patiently beside us until we turn back around. I guess in the LaJoy family we see different signs, ours are filled with the good things in life, and those are the ones we elect to follow.

One of my favorite sayings is “Success comes in overalls and looks like work.”. One could sometimes replace the word “success” with the word “miracles” and that also would be accurate, for what one person looks at from the outside and sees as a miracle in the form of 3 little boys walking between their parents, is actually part “miracle” and a lot of overall wearing!!

My anonymous friend, thank you for your warning. I am so very sorry that your daughter has not turned out to be all you had dreamed of, that your life has fallen apart. I, in no way, am making fun of your experience or denying the reality of what I know must be an awful day to day existence. I DO take your words to heart, and have given all of this more thought than could be counted. And yet we will press on, despite our fears that you are living out.

Because we know what we might gain...