It is now 9:15, Kenny is asleep for the moment and I am suddenly feeling as I am going to collapse. The only time I ever recall being this tired was traveling home from Kaz and Kyrg each time...that nasty middle-of-the-night Almaty flight is enough to kill you. It's sort of what I am feeling like right now.
Since last Friday I have been going full bore on almost no sleep. Today was very stressful, and I am sleeping on a pull-out chair bed in Kenny's room which is nice to have versus sleeping upright in a chair but is hard as a rock and my arthritic hip killed me all night last night. I didn't even realize just how tired I was until about 20 minutes ago when I actually started getting the shakes and a little dizzy. I thought back over the past few days and realized just how exhausted I really am...and I am betting on little sleep tonight. My flight gets in at 10:45 PM tomorrow night in Montrose and then I have to get up early to get to my class in Grand Junction. I'll bet I am incoherent by then and will be unable to contribute a single thing of value to the class discussion!
I'll tell you, this "Mom Stuff" is hard, really, really hard. But tonight as I finished reading Kenny a book and he lay there looking so tiny in his bed, he took his head and laid it in my palm and said "Mommy I am so glad you are here for my hard times.". Me too, Kenny, me too. It makes being exhausted seem inconsequential.
I still didn't get to speak with Matt and Joshie as we are having phone connection problems. I spoke with our friends who are keeping them and all is well but Matthew is having pain from the Walkathon he was in at school yesterday...problems with his feet and hips caused by his Bad Momma who didn't get his new orthopedic shoes ordered early enough and had to suffice with what I hoped would be adequate decent shoes from Famous Footwear. Sounds like they were more inadequate than adequate and I know for Matthew to complain it must have been really bad as he is the least likely to complain...but I guess he walked 8 miles yesterday so Hurray for Matt! Joshie had a nightmare last night, crying out in his sleep "I don't want to go back!"...I told my friend I was surprised it took 2 nights for him to get to that stage...and I miss them both so much and feel awful that I wasn't there to comfort them each. I also wonder when we will ever move past this stage with Josh, it breaks a little piece of my heart off each time this happens.
In the midst of me feeling inadequate as a mommy, there is always something to nurture my spirit. Our buddies here called this afternoon and said not to buy dinner. They came over and spent the evening with us again with their kids, bringing good old comfort food, my favorite thing in the entire world, macaroni and cheese. They brought the whole 9 yards, birthday cake as it was one of their daughters' birthday, soda, mac and cheese, biscuits...but most importantly they brought love and encouragement at the end of a tough day.
Last night I got a little more of a lift as I received a couple of photos of 2 particular children whom I yearn for. So much change, so little I can do. It spurs me on, keeps me from wanting to throw in the towel. It also hurts just a little, a very bittersweet thing.
Now I will turn this thing off, creep quietly back into the room, and probably be awake all night as I flip and flop around, read a few chapters of a book or watch a video when my aching back has had a little too much. If I am lucky, poor Kenny will only wake up a few times during the night...