Here I sit, a couple of hours before leaving for the airport to advocate for 65 Kyrgyz children, and I am struggling with my own frustration and anger at yet another delay we learned of yesterday in the submission of our own dossier. Yes, again folks...our FBI fingerprints have now expired and need to be redone. The process with Kaz is now so difficult and challenging that I am beginning to wonder if we will ever really complete our adoption.
I am so wishing I wasn't getting on the plane with this heavy heart. But as Dominick and I were talking about this morning, our own personal issues will just have to wait and I need to mentally push them aside for I have to focus on the needs of other children right now.
I have to ask the question though...
Who will advocate for OUR children???
Or am I in training right now when it doesn't concern ours so I can continue on in the fight for our own? Just wish someone was in our corner at moments, it feels pretty lonely here.
God, please work through us somehow. I don't know how You plan to do it, but I hope You do. I also realize that You may choose to use us in some other less obvious way on this trip, with someone not even involved at all in adoption. However You decide to do it, make it powerful for that is when it is totally the coolest!! God, please bring comfort to the waiting families, for I know the pain they feel and it is awful, it is a powerlessness that is unequaled. As we meet with officials, let them see what You know they need to see...simply a mom and son who love each other with all their hearts. Let them see that "family" is more important than any cultural losses or any bureaucratic red tape. Let our words be Your words, let all ego be completely removed from the situation so You come through with whatever message You want them to hear, make us funnels, make us conduits. Allow us to be a blessing to those we encounter...not just officials and diplomats but other waiting parents, taxi drivers, airplane seatmates.
You ask us to never forget the widows and orphans. We are heeding Your command. They are not forgotten and we will do all we can do so that the word "orphan" is no longer attached to at least 65 more children in this world.
And Lord, you know I need a sign in our own circumstance right now, I need something to let me know You are still in all of it and leading it, that my own dismay and fear can be put to rest and that I need only continue to do the work necessary. Are you putting up road blocks to stop us? Or to test us? Is there some reason for these delays that will become apparent? Or are you screaming at us and are we not listening? I am so utterly confused anymore, and this is so very, very hard. I need You right here, right now. Be with me, I will try to be still. Amen.