Monday, March 16, 2009

Crushed

I can't even begin to be eloquent or thoughtful here today. Our dossier is being returned along with 2 others. There are yet again more changes that were not made known to our agency. For us, the clock was ticking on the majority of our documents as they were close to expiring, so this means we have to redo most of the dossier, and no doubt it will mean we are pushed to the back of the line behind others who are closer to being done and being submitted. It could be months before ours is submitted. I will hopefully learn more tomorrow. Glad we have an agency that is up front and honest without sugar coating it. I am totally not in the mood for that.

I had a lump in my throat all day, still do. I have lost hope that our daughters will ever come home. I checked my email on my phone at work, and standing there in the kitchen surrounded by sandwich makings the tears welled up as I read the message. I could barely tell my mom and husband without losing it.

On the drive home, I found myself going back through my mind, trying to see if I misread signs, if we actually were ever supposed to embark on this journey, if I somehow screwed up in interpreting what felt so clearly like what God was telling us. Doubt assails, it is hard to push aside. For today I think I will let it settle over me like a blanket. It doesn't feel good, but I don't have the ability to lift it or fight it.

Down the hall, the bedroom door is wide open revealing an otherwise empty room with two lone beds...and the stupid dossier was what made us have to purchase them and put them up prematurely in the first place. The faces staring back at me from pictures on the fridge door are almost 2 years older, those children don't even exist anymore...they have moved on and grown older, I missed getting to know them and someone new now inhabits them...someone probably a bit colder, a bit less able to believe that they are lovable, a bit more world weary...sort of like I am feeling right now.

Don't even tell me, as someone did recently, that no matter what I ought to be happy because we have 3 wonderful sons. One has nothing to do with the other. It is not greed that motivates us, it is not some desire to have a large family, it is not that I am so desperate to have more kids that I will never be satisfied.

For some reason, God laid them on my heart...I didn't want it to happen, heck I never even imagined parenting girls!!! Loving and appreciating my sons has nothing to do with 2 girls halfway around the world whose lives are at stake, who will no doubt become prostitutes or drug addicts in a few years...if they don't die first. I didn't ask for it, and at times have wanted to turn around and run, and so often have wanted to give up. Today is one of those days.

God, I promised you I would be their mom if You would find a way to make it happen. I thought You were doing exactly that. I have remained faithful for years now.

What else do You want?

I am not strong enough to keep this up, I don't WANT to. It hurts too much, it is too hard. I don't get what the point is here, I don't understand. I know I don't HAVE to understand, but I am toast, I am SO done. I'd love to say I am this marvelous, faithful, amazing person who would never give up in a million years, and maybe tomorrow I will feel that way, but tonight all I feel is awful, like I am crumbling inside.

How stinking hard does this have to be? There are two little girls who need us, and we want them. Shouldn't that be enough?

Or have I been utterly, completely wrong about everything? If so, can you let us off this roller coaster now? If not, then PLEASE give me a renewed spirit to keep going, because right now I can't. How can I possibly know? I need You to talk to me, to make it clear, because there is this haze of despair that is covering everything and I can't hear or see You right now.

Let me know, would You?

23 comments:

Betsy said...

I know there are not words that can make this feel better right now. All I can offer is that I will be praying for you, your daughters and for God's will to be done in all of your lives.

Joyce said...

Cindy
Im crying for you as I write - so excuse me if the page is blurry - but please dont give up. You will never forgive yourself if you gave up. If they reject your application and the door is shut in your face, and you really cant do anymore, but please if you have the energy, please keep going. Thos girls need you more than you need them. And I mean that in love. As much as you are hurting now, the alternative is no good. You were made to adopt and love and you do is so well. You have love for another 10 kids and I truly admire you. Please for the sake of your girls and your boys - as I think they too have a lot of love they want to shower on 2 precious girls - (and I cant imagine or hazard a guess at how much work awaits you) - please dont give up. Have a solid sleep tonight and hopefully tomorrow gives you renewed vigour to attack more paperwork.
Wish I lived closer and could sit down and have a cuppa tea with you and cry together.

Huge hugs
JOyce

Maureen said...

The only thing I can say is that I am praying with you and for you.

I cried as I read your post this evening. I am so sorry for your pain right now and hope that God will give you the strength or sign you need.

Ohiomom2121 said...

Dear Cindy,
We are struggling with the same fears with Azerbaijan, but even more behind than you are, as the country invalidated our referral and then instituted a whole new Hague procedure. They still have to figure out the FORMS to accredit agencies, then accredit them, possibly redo forms for dossiers (another year?), and THEN submit. She was 5, is now 8, and I have seriously considered that if we can locate her, we may have to meet her at the door of the orphanage at age 16 when they boot her out.

In the meantime, we are struggling with whether to adopt another 2 and see if we ever get her. DH thinks 3 is too many (we have sons ages 23,21,14&12), finances have changed, and we may be unable to find her in the country. We saw more than her picture, as we knew several adoptive families who were ahead of us in line, and we have pictures, her B-Day candle from some missionaries...the ache is horrific. We have no money to go international elsewhere; too much is tied up in AZ. DH is struggling b/c his vision was 2 children out of an orphanage, not from American foster care. I wonder if our hearts were being softened for older children.

You are so much closer than we are. We will NOT give up until finally told it is impossible. But, it will never be what we intended (a 5 year old). When the going gets tough, the tough get going. So, buck up and get that dossier updated! You are in the home stretch compared to us. Count your blessings, few as they seem to be, and believe me I am crying your same tears.
Sherry

Hilary Marquis said...

Oh Cindy...I don't know what to say. Except, go ahead and cry! I'll cry right along with you. We are still praying without ceasing for your peace as well as the girls'. Don't feel like to have to put on a brave optimistic face. Everyone is allowed to feel defeated now and then. But, know that God IS absolutely faithful and in control of it all...even when it feels like he is no where to be found. Remember the "Footprints" poem?

Love, Hugs & Prayers,
Hilary

Anonymous said...

Oh Cindy, I am searching for words in response to this very sad news. All I can think to say is that you are in the hearts of those girls and, although the wait is unbearable, if they can hang on, somehow, and know you are coming for them, their little souls will be okay and you WILL have the chance to love them, guide them and give them hope for the life they deserve. I don't understand this, I have the same questions to Him - why, why, why? I am so sorry for your pain, which I know is selfless - it is the pain in not getting your girls out of there and home. You know I will drop everything and do what I can to help you with this next ridiculous red tape. Thinking of all of you and loving you lots! Joan

Corinne said...

Just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers.I have often asked the same question in regards to why this has to be so hard!I am sorry for your pain and your hurt.I know this adoption stuff can be so painful. Prayers coming your way!

Anonymous said...

Hi Cindy,

You need a huge hug.
Cry, and cry and cry until you have no more tears.
Then wash your face, go get that bloody dossier and redo those documents, you need to keep fighting for yourself,your husband, your boys and those 2 girls for whom you are the only chance of a decent outcome.
They aren't small children, but they are still beautiful girls and they desperately need you to keep fighting for them.
You can't afford to give up.
That is for the less aware of consequences.
We'll be here for you.
Keep fighting.

Love,
We'll be praying,
Daisy

Lindsay said...

I'm sorry. Wishing I had a magic wand to wave all the barriers away.

Praying for you and your kids.

Dee said...

Cindy, I am SO sorry to hear this! I know things seem very dark now. I wish I could say something comforting. All I can say is, don't give up. Cry and grieve, and rest a bit, then keep going. I have a friend who spent 3 years and went through 3 different agencies before bringing her two girls home, and even she says it was all worth it.

I am praying hard!!!

Hugs,
Dee

Shannon said...

My heart goes out to you and your family. I'm so sorry for your heartache and frustration and am even more sorry for the girls. We will continue to pray for all of you.

ault family said...

Cindy,

I am so sadened by your news. I just want you to know that even though you do not have the strength right now, God WILL carry YOU through this. You & your hubby will not face this by yourselves.

Prayers through tears,
MaryAnn

Mary from TN said...

Oh, Cindy, it could have been me writing your words. We wait and wait and wait, and seem to go backward instead of forward with each tick of the clock. Meanwhile, a little soul in KG awaits a family, and we await him. Hugs and prayers to you, Dominick and all your children.

Mary from TN

Lenore Ryan said...

Oh, Cindy! I read your post with tears rolling down my cheeks. Please keep fighting....for you, for those girls, for your family! Don't loose your faith in this situation. My prayers and thoughts are with each and every one of you!

Michele said...

You are in my prays. God is working in your life everyday & he has a plan. You just need to know it is in his time not ours. No matter what we think that time is going to be. We know that he is living in your life & you are doing things right for him. We can see it in you. You just need to see it. We love you & are praying for you.

Anonymous said...

First of all, I am so, so, so sorry that this is so frustrating and drawn out. We are not currently in the process (Kaz 3 years ago) but I read our adoption lists and know that this is common for those at our agency as well. Does it make you feel better than everyone is in the same boat? Probably not b/c your girls are the only ones who matter so personally to you. (Although the director keeps insisting that adoptions are moving forward - it's just anticipating what papers will be expiring next that I guess is the challenge) I am praying for those little girls and that God would make so clear to you His perfect direction.

Joyce (mom to Olivia, Kaz)

Lori said...

I'm sorry just doesn't even seem to convey what I'm feeling for you. What I'm really feeling for you is anger--anger because it SUCKS. Anger because it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to understand why you and SOOOO MANY OTHERS who just want to parent children who NEED parents get blocked at every freaking turn that possibly exists. I'm angry because someone as positive and upbeat and faithful as you goes through all this and suffers. I'm just angry at the complete and total injustice of it ALL--every parent who has a child waiting for them and some dumb govenrmental hullaballoo (if that's even what it is) prevents it...

I'm sad and angered for you.

Just know that God is big enough for that anger and hurt. He's big enough to hear it and gracious enough to understand it comes from our human brains (and hearts)and He's big enough to allow us to break down and cry...Then He helps pick us up and put us back on track...and no doubt, you will be. That's just who you are--those girls' mom--and there's nothing you won't do for them...regardless.

Beth said...

Oh, Cindy, please persevere! Your girls need to be with your family and they will get home when they get home. Regardless of how much longer it takes, you are in the homestretch. Believe in it!

Kelly and Sne said...

I am sorry that you had a setback. I can somewhat empathize as our dossier preparation has been on a hold since early February with no time frame given for when we can submit it (so far we haven't had to re-do anything but will soon). Considering that our agency wouldn't accept us past my husband's recent 48th birthday as they are anticipating a potential age limit, I too find myself wondering if our second adoption will happen at all...

All I can say is from my experience the first time around, that I feel this process is full of obstacles to strengthen our resolve and to somehow "prove" ourselves to God that we are worthy of such a blessing. Our guiding philosophy is that "the berries taste sweetest on the top of the mountain." Fitting for an international adoption journey - long and difficult but the result is oh, so worth it.

J-momma said...

i'm so sorry. i don't have anything wise to say other than i'm sorry and i hope you get some good news soon.

Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to you. But, unlike your other readers, I encourage you to listen to what God is trying to tell you. In 2006 we pursued the adoption of a then 12 year old girl from Russia. Through the process we thought we were following God's signs. But, after our first trip to Russia, when all signs were that this was not the right child for us, we looked everywhere we could for God's road map and what He really wanted us to do. On the second trip over for our court date, some required paperwork hadn't arrived by the day we were to leave - should we postpone? My Mother had just been diagnosed with breast cancer after our first trip over. On the day we were scheduled to leave, I was at the hospital with her meeting with her surgeon and radiologist as they determined what course of action they would take and WHEN her surgery would be. Our flight was scheduled to leave BEFORE any medical conclusions were made. How could I leave my Mother at the hospital and go to Russia not knowing whether or not she would be having surgery while I was out of the country! We called our adoption agency and were told basically either you make this trip or you never get another chance. They said that the judges had scheduled our court date and that we were required to be there no matter what! Also we were still trying to get the required papers in our hands before we left (if we left). We were told that the Judges could not be told my Mother had cancer therefore we could not request a change of court date because they would not change it upon request and they could be apprised of the reason for the request. I was literally dragged from my Mother's side at the hospital and taken to the airport. We were on the phone as we checked in, and as we boarded, still trying to get the missing paperwork. Well, once on the plane, we sat on the runway for over an hour as the plane couldn't take off due to mechanical problems. A sign from God?? Once we took off, we naturally missed our connecting flight in Chicago - A sign from God?? We arrived in ST. Petersbury, Russia late and our driver was no where. We were in a foreign airport, armed soldiers everywhere, no driver, no interpreter and scared as hell. Finally, we worked out a driver and headed to our destination. Upon arriving at our hotel, we were "reamed" by the agencies coordinator who was to work with us for not having the paperwork we were told to travel without as it could be handled once we got there. Well, for $500 extra dollars it was handled! Went to court, bullied by the Judge and the prosecutor. The adoption was approved. But, in our hearts we felt no joy upon hearing that news. When it was time for the third trip over to bring the girl back here, the visa didn't arrive in time for the flight. And, the same day my husband, who was traveling alone since my Mother was starting chemo that same time, got the flu and was sick as all get out - Sign from God?? Long story short, he brought the girl back to live with us and our lives have been a living hell ever since. She has RAD, has upset every single parcel of our lives, we are near divorce because of her, etc. etc.

I truly think God was telling us not to go back for her after our first trip. He had my Mother get cancer just to try to keep us here instead of going back. We felt God was talking to us at the time and telling us not to go, but we fought God's signs and look at what we've done to our lives now.

Cindy, listen to God. I believe he is telling you how blessed you are now and that too much time has passed and the girls are too old and have lived in the orphanage for too long. If they come in to your home now they will destroy your family.

I am sorry but that's what happened to us.

Mala said...

Cindy I probably shouldn't respond to this, but heck, I'm just that kind of girl that says what's on my mind.

First and formost, I feel horribly for the family who posted above. BUT, I feel even more horrified for "the girl". This family obviously went through a lot, the worst of which, her Mother's cancer. But everyone has pitfalls. Life is full of obstacles. The true test is how you deal with them. You can either get beat down or you can change your perspective and rise above. My heart goes out to that little girl. From reading what this woman wrote, I hear so much pain and, dare I say, hatred towards this little girl who has NOTHING; not even loving parents. Although I'm sure she has her own problems, and I'm sorry but being institutionalized for 12 years would cause issues for anyone, she is not to be the blame for an adoption process's pitfalls, ailments, airline issues or the challenges of life in general. What this little girl's life must be. It saddens me to the core. This IS NOT GOD'S PLANS!
Absolutely sad.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry, I just have to put my 2 cents in here. Yes, anonymously, because I fear what people may think of me seeing the comment left about that lady above with the 12 year old. No, I am not that lady and I don't have a clue who she is. The thing is, I don't have to because I know what it's like to have an older child with RAD. I know how your life can change and relationships can fall apart (even marriages). If you don't have a child with RAD you can't possibly know what they are going through. Sometimes love is not enough. You may think she is heartless and has never shown this girl love but she most likely tried until she was too exhausted to face another rejection. I don't fault the lady for calling her daughter "the girl". They have never bonded and her life has been horrible since her daughter arrived. Her life has been falling apart. She doesn't feel an attachment to this girl who she is leagally her daughter but not emotionally. It's not what she "signed up for". Nobody would. It's not the mom's fault and it's not the dad's fault and it's not "the girl's" fault. Some kids are "un-loveable" but it's not their fault.

If you need to blame someone, blame Satan! He loves this stuff. He loves destroying families, he loves causing babies and kids to be orphaned. He loves causing children to develop RAD and other issues to make their lives and the lives of the families who adopt them horrible. This lady is not to blame. Feel bad for the girl, feel bad for the family, but don't blame them. Give the lady a break.

I believe that this lady was just trying to be helpful. To let Cindy know what she has been through and what she feels would happen if they do adopt these girls. Everybody has a right to their own opinion but nobody knows what is going to happen. Only God does so the best advice I can give is to say "we are praying for you" and then follow through and pray for them.

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