I can't even begin to be eloquent or thoughtful here today. Our dossier is being returned along with 2 others. There are yet again more changes that were not made known to our agency. For us, the clock was ticking on the majority of our documents as they were close to expiring, so this means we have to redo most of the dossier, and no doubt it will mean we are pushed to the back of the line behind others who are closer to being done and being submitted. It could be months before ours is submitted. I will hopefully learn more tomorrow. Glad we have an agency that is up front and honest without sugar coating it. I am totally not in the mood for that.
I had a lump in my throat all day, still do. I have lost hope that our daughters will ever come home. I checked my email on my phone at work, and standing there in the kitchen surrounded by sandwich makings the tears welled up as I read the message. I could barely tell my mom and husband without losing it.
On the drive home, I found myself going back through my mind, trying to see if I misread signs, if we actually were ever supposed to embark on this journey, if I somehow screwed up in interpreting what felt so clearly like what God was telling us. Doubt assails, it is hard to push aside. For today I think I will let it settle over me like a blanket. It doesn't feel good, but I don't have the ability to lift it or fight it.
Down the hall, the bedroom door is wide open revealing an otherwise empty room with two lone beds...and the stupid dossier was what made us have to purchase them and put them up prematurely in the first place. The faces staring back at me from pictures on the fridge door are almost 2 years older, those children don't even exist anymore...they have moved on and grown older, I missed getting to know them and someone new now inhabits them...someone probably a bit colder, a bit less able to believe that they are lovable, a bit more world weary...sort of like I am feeling right now.
Don't even tell me, as someone did recently, that no matter what I ought to be happy because we have 3 wonderful sons. One has nothing to do with the other. It is not greed that motivates us, it is not some desire to have a large family, it is not that I am so desperate to have more kids that I will never be satisfied.
For some reason, God laid them on my heart...I didn't want it to happen, heck I never even imagined parenting girls!!! Loving and appreciating my sons has nothing to do with 2 girls halfway around the world whose lives are at stake, who will no doubt become prostitutes or drug addicts in a few years...if they don't die first. I didn't ask for it, and at times have wanted to turn around and run, and so often have wanted to give up. Today is one of those days.
God, I promised you I would be their mom if You would find a way to make it happen. I thought You were doing exactly that. I have remained faithful for years now.
What else do You want?
I am not strong enough to keep this up, I don't WANT to. It hurts too much, it is too hard. I don't get what the point is here, I don't understand. I know I don't HAVE to understand, but I am toast, I am SO done. I'd love to say I am this marvelous, faithful, amazing person who would never give up in a million years, and maybe tomorrow I will feel that way, but tonight all I feel is awful, like I am crumbling inside.
How stinking hard does this have to be? There are two little girls who need us, and we want them. Shouldn't that be enough?
Or have I been utterly, completely wrong about everything? If so, can you let us off this roller coaster now? If not, then PLEASE give me a renewed spirit to keep going, because right now I can't. How can I possibly know? I need You to talk to me, to make it clear, because there is this haze of despair that is covering everything and I can't hear or see You right now.
Let me know, would You?