I am writing tonight from a very questionable hotel room in Colorado Springs after having driven 5 hours to get here to pick the boys up from camp tomorrow. I have two snoring men near me...ok one snoring man and one mumbling little boy...and am trying to get the room to cool down from it's original 80+ degrees!
I want to thank everyone for their uplifting comments to my blog post of a couple of days ago. My feelings were a little raw, I'll admit, and it is all beyond understanding to me sometimes...the hurtful things people will say and do. But earlier today I received a short email from a woman I greatly admire and who is quietly cheering for us on the sidelines. She reminded me that all of our kids will have love, and NOTHING else is more important than that. Even if others are proven right and we are driven to the Poor House by adopting again, that Poor House will be a happy one.
I also made another giant leap today. I shipped a package off to Kazakhstan with some school supplies in it, and a couple of small birthday presents for our youngest there whose birthday is coming up soon. The whole school supply thing gets me every year. I see all the excitement in our boys from getting new pencils, pens, folders, etc. and I always think of the girls who don't get to experience this simple right of passage every year marking the arrival of fall and another new school year. So I bought several things and admit I even got a kick out of picking up folders with hearts and rainbows on them rather than trucks and super heroes.
I wrote a letter to them as I always do, which will be translated for them. I never say anything all that interesting but I share what is going on in our family, a nugget or two about the boys and their exploits (I forgot to tell them about the Lego episode!), and try to encourage them and let them know someone cares. I got to the bottom of the letter and stopped dead in my tracks. I wavered back and forth, trying to decide what was the right thing to do, then I decided to let my heart lead.
I signed it "Love, hugs and kisses....Mommy".
Leaps of faith, my friends...big ones and small ones on both sides of the ocean.
On the long drive over here I listened to two CD's I just purchased, my first ever contemporary Christian CD's. Not usually my kind of stuff, but I previewed Steven Curtis Chapman's album in the store and thought I might actually enjoy it, aside from the adoption connection. I discovered a gem of a song "One Heartbeat at a Time" about...well...me...and many of you...and our lives as moms who care. You've got to hear this one, and if I wasn't so ignorant I would be able to get an MP3 player on the blog and let you hear it here but that doesn't seem to be working.
The other album I got (I haven't bought new music in years and years) was Mandisa's album. After hearing her at the concert last week I couldn't resist, and this one will get played millions of times I can already tell. But as I was driving over here I realized there may be just one song that was the reason I ended up with her album. After all the negatives others have cast out at us, and after thinking about it hard and long and looking inside my heart I decided I am not going to let ANYONE steal my joy!!! God has worked an absolute miracle in our lives and the lives of 2 children (ok...FIVE children!!!!!). Why in the world am I letting ANYONE steal the joy of this God thing going on??? I AM stupid!!! As is written in her lyrics below "Life may push my heart to the limit" and in so many ways I have felt that way the past couple of years particularly. So many highs, so many lows, so much pain to witness, and so many moments of incredible, absolute God given joy. My heart certainly has been pushed to the limit...but "...the world may try, But they're never going to steal my joy"!
Nope, I am DONE with that! Thanks again for the love, support, encouragement and friendship so many of you have offered up to us.
Let people talk behind our back, let them roll their eyes...they don't live my joyful life and I am NOT going to let their words slip in my heart and sour it.
MANDISA - (Never Gonna) Steal My Joy
Album: True Beauty (2007)
I look at my life
And I still can't believe it
How did I make it
To where I stand now?
You don't understand
I was up against the whole world
And all I could feel was it breaking me down
But out of a hopeless situation
There came a song of redemption
Life may push my heart to the limit
But I won't let go
Of the joy in my soul
‘Cause everything can change in a minute
And the world may try
But they're never gonna steal my joy
So get up, stand up
And rise above it
If every plan
That you've made goes so wrong
You don't have to give in to the struggle
You may be down
But don't stay there for long
In every hopeless situation
There is a song of redemption
The world may say
You're never gonna make it
The world may say
You're not strong enough to take it
But I don't care
‘Cause the joy of the Lord is real
And they're never gonna steal my joy
Now, on to tomorrow and looking forward to even MORE joy when I have my Boy Trio back together and I dish out hugs to our friends when we see them!