Sleepless Night

Ok, I'll admit to having a pretty sleepless night last night. I tried to imagine what it would be like for "T" to suddenly discover what is in his future. I also tried to imagine what our lives will be like with a third little guy running around our home. For the moment I totally let go of my heart and any reality that I have been preparing myself for and just let it sit there and ruminate for awhile. I am going to be the mommy of 3 boys (4 if you count Dominick...which if you knew him you would include him in the count!)! I can say forever "My Three Sons" and those of us who are old enough will actually chuckle at the reference to the old TV show. I will have another wiggly, funny, silly little guy in my life. I must be the luckiest woman in the entire world, really. Why have I been so fortunate? What did I ever do right to deserve something like this in my life? I just shake my head in wonder sometimes.

I thought about what he will look like in some of the clothing we bought, what it will be like to tuck him in the first night in his own bed here, what it will feel like to have 3 jumping beans bouncing around on the bed with us on a Sunday morning. I tried to grasp what it will be like to feed three strapping teenaged boys!! How much milk will they go through?? I also envision all the firsts we will get to witness, in spite of what we have already missed, and I am grateful for the future we will have together and not at all regretting the past we never shared.

As I sat here alone in the quite house last night, a song that I have always associated with my boys kept running through my head. It is a beautiful song that gets me every time I hear it and I think is even more profound as I think of "T" and what his life must have been like up until now. After all, at 8 years old he is old enough to have an understanding of children leaving the orphanage to live with new families, old enough to have had many, many lonely moments, old enough to wonder what it would be like to have a mommy and a daddy like most kids do. Below is a portion of the lyrics:

Someone Else's Star by Bryan White

Alone again tonight
Without someone to love
The stars are shining bright
So one more wish goes up
Oh I wish I may
And I wish with all my might
For the love I’m dreaming of
And missing in my life

You’d think that I could find
A true love of my own
It happens all the time
To people that I know
Their wishes all come true
So I’ve got to believe
There’s still someone out there who
Is meant for only me

I guess I must be wishing on
Someone else’s star
It seems like someone else keeps getting
What I’m wishing for
Why can’t I be as lucky
As those other people are
I guess I must be wishing
On someone else’s star...

This song really goes both ways, as I certainly could relate to the lyrics myself before Matthew came into our lives. I never thought about it until this moment, but maybe "T" and I will have something in common after all...

So, as we wait patiently for a court date, we will prepare and dream, knowing that finally now, so is he!