Quiet Fears

We all have those quiet fears we don't share openly with others. I am lucky enough to have a few very close friends with whom I can share some of them. But as a woman who believes quite fervently that God has a plan for my life, and that adopting "T" is part of that plan, how do I admit to those fears? Isn't that a sign of a lack of faith if I express that I am scared at moments of the unknown? If I feel so strongly that "T" is my son and was meant to be in my life, how can I possibly have any concerns? I have struggled at moments with this very question, and as the time draws nearer for him to legally become our child, I have given voice to certain doubts , most of which are fleeting thoughts but they exist none the less.

Fear #1- What if he doesn't like me/us? What if he wishes he were adopted by a different family? I am quite aware of my short comings...I am not an attractive or educated woman, I am not special in any way. I wish I could offer him the kind of mommy that is beautiful and perfect and "Martha Stewart-ish", but I am not any of those things. I think Kazakh and Kyrgyz woman are so incredibly beautiful and I wonder if he will be disappointed once we meet.

Fear #2 - What if he has Attachment Disorder? Having been down that extremely painful road once before with Josh, I can't imagine going through it a second time and complicating matters by it being with an older child whose behaviors could be extreme and perhaps beyond my ability to handle. Of course I realize there is a higher probability of this occuring with an older child, and you may ask "Well, if you feel that way, why do it??". I guess I combat it with telling myself that just because we are afraid of something doesn't mean we still shouldn't do it. But I sure wouldn't look forward to it.

Fear #3 - What if I am not the mom he needs me to be? What if I am not intuitive enough to "get it" when that is what is most needed?

Fear #4 - I quite readily understand that this will not be at all like our infant adoptions, and I wonder how long it will take for us all to settle in with one another? How long before it stops feeling like there is a stranger wandering around our house? Will it be days, weeks, months or heaven forbid years???

Fear #5 - What if I don't have the patience to deal with all the educational and developmental issues that might arise?

Fear #6 - How long does love take to grow?

Fear #7 - What might I miss in working with him and trying to fill in the gaps of his experiences that I won't ever know about? What important things that will form his character is it already too late to try and impress upon him?

Fear #8 - What if I mess this all up?

Fear #9 - Will he ever look at me and see and feel in his heart that I am his mommy? Or will I just be relegated to the same position of all the other women who have been in and out of his life to take care of him, but never elevated to the status of "Mommy"?

Fear #10 - What if he comes to me one day and says "I want to go back..." because he is unhappy.

These are just a few of the things that have run through my head the past several weeks. The logical part of me knows that some of this is irrational. The logical part of me also knows that not all of these fears are irrational, and that is the scary part. I have never seen myself as particularly courageous or a risk taker. I usually like my life well charted out. But I am jumping into unknown waters here, and fear can cause you to quickly sink, so I am fighting off these doubts and hopefully will be able to remain afloat.

When I narrow it all down though, it comes down to one thing and one thing only: I want him to love me, and I want to feel deep love for him. No matter what else is involved, if we have that at the core we will make it.