tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-359904182024-03-25T00:09:39.882-06:00LAJOY FAMILYThe Family God BuiltCindy LaJoyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16486626867331586704noreply@blogger.comBlogger1369125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-72575232646076961752020-04-02T12:42:00.001-06:002020-04-02T12:42:17.963-06:00A New Beginning!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
For those who are interested in finding my new blog, you may check it out here: <a href="https://www.theshiningspirit.com/" target="_blank">The Shining Spirit</a><br />
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I will continue to update this blog here and there, so don't worry, you will still hear all about us!</div>
Cindy LaJoyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16486626867331586704noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-65900388684893521472020-03-31T22:25:00.000-06:002020-03-31T22:25:01.133-06:00COVID Catch Up!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Hi there! <br />
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Did you miss me? Yeah, I thought not...hahaha!<br />
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I tried to visit with you all, I truly did. I sat down plenty of times to write, and nothing would come out right. This past year sort of beat me up, and I think I am just now coming into a better place. Funny that it literally took a pandemic to help me stop and breath. So, shall we catch you all up?<br />
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Let's start with Buckaroos...which is hanging in there at the moment, maybe by the skin of our teeth. We had a successful opening few weeks, things slowed as expected, and now the virus has hit. We are open for business for take out and delivery, which we just instituted. Several of our employees are vulnerable so they are out for the duration. We were barely holding our own, but pleased to be doing so early on, and knew we were opening at a less than ideal time so that was sort of understood we would struggle the first few months. We, of course, didn't anticipate a pandemic coming along to make it all more challenging! Hahaha! We have had a few activities with our employees which have been greatly enjoyed, and it has been molded into quite a little community. <br /><br />Angie, Kenny and Olesya have grown enormously through this process. They have gained so much confidence, built many new skills, and I am SUPER proud to say they are basically running the place by themselves! I have gradually backed away, helping a little here and there as they need it, mainly dealing with finances and some social media work. The day to day operations are being handled 100% by them, and though Dominick is right next door and is a good safe guard, we were pretty intentional about how we set up the operations and all the necessary functions so that the kids could really do most of it on their own. We never expected to have nailed it so well that they were able to far sooner than we anticipated! It really helps knowing your "audience", so to speak, and after years of homeschooling maybe we were able to plan far better because we could guess ahead of time what might be sticking points and work those out before they became issues. They are putting in 10-12 hour days, working incredibly hard, and are willing to do anything necessary to succeed. We continue to pray that all will be well in the long run, while we are also filled with gratitude for the growth we have seen in each of them.<br />
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Matt is still involved with Civil Air Patrol, and has moved into the "Senior" side of things. He is an adult member now, and is training to help lead the youth in his squadron. He continues to tackle courses at home through Coursera, EdX and other outlets, though he has put that aside to undertake an enormous task. He is currently working on creating an app an online ordering for House of Spirits so that Dominick can do delivery of his products that customers will order through the app or from the online page. Josh helped with photographing thousands of products, and Matt has been coding like a madman and engaged in true project based learning as he works to create something that will work well and collaborates with a graphic designer as well as Dominick. He is learning skills that are being put to the test in real time and is enjoying the process.<br />
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Josh has been a busy guy! He was a basketball referee for our rec district this past season and was playing himself in the homeschool league. They lost out on the opportunity to play in the championship game due to the COVID-19 shut downs, but he was perfectly fine with that. We spent much of the fall working on career exploration, he took several aptitude tests, researched several trades and other avenues. Suddenly, after a random suggestion to look at a particular school and their programs, Josh has decided he wants to pursue teaching for a career! We are preparing him to eventually enroll in Western Governor's University for their teaching program, and he started a couple of college courses this past week through Straigherline.com and will spend all of next year working toward getting gen. ed. courses done. At least, that is the plan today :-) <br />
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Christmas came and went in a flurry, and like everything this past several months, it was oddly off course. Canceled dinner plans, focused on Buckaroos and all the "new" that surrounded that, but we made it to church, had a day to stop and just relax and "be". We needed it before we were all off on a dead run doing our thing.<br />
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And we have grown older! All of us...Matt and Josh both tried to grow beards, not so successfully I might add, but Matt has kept his mustache and a little soul patch which cracks me up, but now I am used to it. Dominick tried to grow a beard as well, but we all decided we didn't care for it much.<br />
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Yeah...no beard...hahaha! Time continues its dance with us all, and we are firmly rooted in a new era these days. I have fewer good photos to share because everyone is off working, learning, and growing. Dominick is loving the store, happily implementing delivery at Buckaroos as the COVID-19 challenges arose, continuing to thoroughly enjoy being there every day, and nothing delights me more than to see that he loves what he does. He is SO Mr. Social that the constant customer and sales representative contact really fill him up.<br />
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And me...hmmm...that might be another story. The past year and a half or so have been difficult for me, painful in dealing with my mom's steady decline and death this summer. I have had minor health issues of my own with my thyroid meds off significantly for months at a time. That has hit me emotionally far more than I would have imagined, and I have spent months not understanding why I was feeling so depressed with everything basically good in my life. Oh, we have stress, but doesn't everyone? I couldn't understand it, until the blood test revealed that yet again I was way off. Between that and menopause, well, let's just say it has been a roller coaster hormonally!! Haha!<br />
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I think that led me to pulling inward an awful lot, to not feeling like writing, to not feeling like me at all. Thankfully, I am slowly moving into a better place emotionally, and feel like the ground is partially back beneath me.<br />
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I have been continuing to work here and there with Josh, who needs very little in the way of actual teaching from me. I am daily working with our Blue Collar Homeschool Facebook Group which also keeps me busy but has proven to be a great support for many homeschoolers and is almost 8000 members now. I have been in self-quarantine away from the family in our master bedroom, which we have turned into a bit of a dorm room with a little dorm fridge and microwave, so that I am not at risk of being exposed to the virus which would take me down very quickly due to the asthma and other lung issues I have. We are being extremely cautious, and so I have been pretty much alone for going on 4 weeks now. With four of us out in the world continuing to work, the odds of bringing something home are higher, so it was easier to isolate me. Poor Dominick has been on the couch for a looooong time and his roommate is Kenny so we keep him away from the other boys!<br />
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And slowly, God is laying out new paths for me as well, and one of those paths will be a new blog. I will continue to update here from time to time, but it has gradually felt like I am supposed to write anew elsewhere, so that is what I will do! I promise, I will update here more regularly, now that I am a bit more myself. And I will link to the new blog here in a couple of days. I have been slowly figuring out what is next to come in my life, but I will share that on the new blog...but there is a different next which has surprised even me. <br />
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We are praying and working hard and trying to be responsible and remain optimistic about the future. I am constantly reminded right now that our family is healthy and whole, and every single day we are learning what a gift that is as we listen to news of those who are losing loved ones, losing jobs, losing so much. What we have is such a gift, and we are all grateful every single moment.<br />
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Hope all of you are safe and healthy as well, and finding your way through the turmoil of the past couple of months. I will write here more in the next day or two to share my new blog, for those who might be at all interested in following along. </div>
Cindy LaJoyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16486626867331586704noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-57030577117736816422019-10-21T21:35:00.000-06:002019-10-21T23:40:41.401-06:00Three Tiny Tables<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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The Grand Opening has come and gone, and through the utter exhaustion we are all feeling there is a collective understanding that something very, very special is happening...something we can neither name nor create on our own. It was two days of intense interaction, and a heck of a lot of slices and scoops being sold. It was smiles and tears, laughter and motion. And we discovered something we had not anticipated at all to the degree that immediately became obvious...<br />
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Buckaroos is a very sacred space.<br />
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God is very present there.<br />
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We are being carried along by something that only the Spirit could bring about, and we are barely beginning to understand that.<br />
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I can honestly say I have never worked harder, and never been more tired other than when we traveled each time to bring our children home. This was a new kind of "adoption", one of an entire community, and it caught me completely off guard. I never would have anticipated the experiences I personally had this weekend, nor the joy that I witnessed from so many corners.<br />
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First of all, our employees...all of them...differently abled and traditionally abled...what an AWESOME crew! The sort of meshing that occurred here is unprecedented in all my prior working years filled with hiring. The perfect people found their way to us, and we were able to sense exactly who they were through a field of applicants. This is a team in every possible way, and within just a couple of days we were all remarking with great awe in our voices how it feels as if we have all known each other forever, how our various strengths and weaknesses complement each other so well, how everyone works together to accomplish a goal, and how there is an incredible work ethic present in each and every person on staff. This would have been impossible to put together on our own, and I have no doubt that having so many pray for our beginning helped heighten our awareness and bring us precisely who we needed. Most importantly, each and every person was instantly seen for who they are, not how they struggle. They were not a diagnosis, and there was so much teamwork evident without an ounce of coaching. If one weren't really tuned in, they would sometimes wonder who was someone who struggled and who was someone who didn't as much. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.<br />
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The viral nature of our story on social media and traditional media was astonishing, and we had thousands upon thousands of views and shares, comments and clicks. We were featured in online news magazines, local tv news, our local paper and a huge write up in the paper an hour away in Grand Junction, the radio station, and more. Here are a few links for those interested:<br />
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<a href="https://www.montrosepress.com/news/new-pizza-and-ice-cream-joint-provides-opportunity-for-disabled/article_2c541314-ebdb-11e9-ba01-8b13949319f6.html" target="_blank">https://www.montrosepress.com/news/new-pizza-and-ice-cream-joint-provides-opportunity-for-disabled/article_2c541314-ebdb-11e9-ba01-8b13949319f6.html</a><br />
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<a href="https://www.gjsentinel.com/news/business/new-montrose-eatery-offers-work-opportunities-for-those-with-developmental/article_c888bba4-f2fc-11e9-bea0-20677ce07cb4.html" target="_blank">https://www.gjsentinel.com/news/business/new-montrose-eatery-offers-work-opportunities-for-those-with-developmental/article_c888bba4-f2fc-11e9-bea0-20677ce07cb4.html</a><br />
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<a href="http://www.montrose.mobi/archives/mirror_346.pdf" target="_blank">http://www.montrose.mobi/archives/mirror_346.pdf</a><br />
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<a href="https://www.nbc11news.com/content/news/563176271.html" target="_blank">https://www.nbc11news.com/content/news/563176271.html</a><br />
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I am truly very uncomfortable with being interviewed, either live or in print, and it shows, but I hope our passion came through and that I didn't come off as too dorky. I also realized I struggle to let go of the narrative and trust others to share appropriately, for I am protective of our little crew and don't want this viewed as anything other than it is...an opportunity for growth, a collaborative effort, and though the truth is we hire those with special needs, that is the end of it. They are then productive, capable employees learning new skills, trying as hard as everyone else does to be a good employee and serve customers well. This isn't a Pity Hire situation, and I want that respected. This is simply a recognition that not everyone can succeed in the same style and setting of work place as is usually found, and some folks need more direction and some adaptation in order to be successful. We ALL see how once someone is allowed to fail without fear, they will indeed try over and over and eventually master a task. We just allow more space for that to happen, but we have the same expectations other employers have...show up on time, work hard, do your best, be respectful, etc.<br />
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All along, we had been aware of how employment might really make a difference for some people, but what we missed, and what stood out for me the most over the hectic weekend was the incredible power of having families with kids who have disabilities come in to be served, and how deeply some would be impacted. A grandma and mom of two young boys with autism came in, and I didn't know this prior to meeting them, but grandma asked if I was the owner and I said I was, and she teared up and couldn't speak. She tried twice and simply couldn't. I leaned over and just hugged her, holding her tightly, until she could find the words to explain. She and the mom said this place helped them see that their beloved boys might have a future after all. I was tickled when I heard that the older son was clearly aware of his challenges and unabashedly pointed to one of us over the counter and said, "I have a disability just like YOU! And some day I am going to work at Buckaroos!!" Talk about grabbing your heart!<br />
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Over and over, my soul was stirred with humble gratitude to know that what we are doing might change the perspective of many in our community. A homeschooling mom of four, one with high functioning autism, also teared up and it was terribly important to her that I hear her out as she shared that our family and this business are literally giving her hope for her son, and that some days that hope is so hard to hold on to. Man, don't I know that myself. Another long hug, and a knowing nod. A young hearing impaired girl lit up with an enormous grin as I offered to have her and her friends come for a special day of learning how to make pizza. In the midst of a very busy period, I was profoundly touched to approach one of our three tiny tables and ask if they were pleased, and a much older woman with an unspecified disability who was non-verbal and possibly blind was there with her caretaker. She was communicating the best she could, when I spoke with her, and she pulled me in, then gently kissed me on the cheek. Hard not to sob over that one as she then patted my hand, her joy at being "seen" and spoken to normally so evident. An older local adoptive mom of three who had remembered reading about our family years ago came in and sat at one of those three tiny tables later in the evening, when it was slow, and we shared our adoptive mommy hearts and challenges.<br />
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Those three tiny tables became our living room, something I just hadn't ever anticipated. Friends joined us with loads of laughter, special friend Raynola and her family and dear friend Laurie showed up and had the girls squealing at the top of their lungs. Raynola taught the girls art for 3 or 4 years for free via Skype and hadn't seen them in person in years, but committed to coming this far because showing up matters more than most of us want to realize, because love is action and sometimes we are lazy. Lots of people were not "lazy in love" and we were overwhelmed to have Candi and Billy show up from so far away, to have over FIFTY people from our church which is an hour away come to our soft opening and ten more or so return for the Grand Opening. An adoptive mommy friend of mine from online who I have known since before Matt came home showed up with her extended family, coming six hours to attend and offer support. Our first customers were our kids' adopted grandparents who have loved on them with TONS of action over the year, and I even saved their first $20 bill from them to hang and frame, because who better to have received their first true sale from?<br />
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As we were loving others, we were being faithfully, truly loved on, too.<br />
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Our space is so limited, with just those three wood burned tables and some benches outside, but I had forgotten that close proximity breeds relationship. Strangers laughing and visiting with other strangers as they sat around our tight little corner. Many old friends from Montrose showed up and hung around to catch up, to offer their encouragement, to share a scoop or a slice. And the warmth was hanging over all of us, glowing with the knowledge that we are all connected in ways that we can't always name, that strangers are simply new friends in the making, and that the human heart desperately needs those connections, whether hindered by the ability to easily express emotion, by speech issues, or lack of motor skills, we all need community to feel whole.<br />
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And new friends we made indeed! Here are a few of the incredibly positive reviews we have received on our Facebook page:<br />
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<i>"We just returned from dinner. First off, the staff was so friendly and greeted us upon entering. I loved the homey, bright decor. We custom built our pizza and it came to our table looking and smelling delicious! The sausage and bacon were so good as was the sauce! The slices were thick enough that two slices each was enough for each of us. We saved room for dessert and were not disappointed. Farr’s ice cream is wonderful! Great choice! We will definitely be back!"</i><br />
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<i>"Not only is the food great but the staff is incredibly friendly this place is a shining beacon for for all abilities we will be back often!!!!"</i><br />
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<i>"Great food, great teamwork, fun atmosphere! Everything about this place is amazing. The team did an awesome job with the soft opening, very friendly staff!</i><br />
<i></i><br />
<i>We will definitely make Buckaroos a regular stop for our family!"</i><br />
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<i>"Amazing! Staff was very friendly and helpful. the pizza was ohhh so good and the ice cream is amazing! Warm, welcoming environment with lots of smiles and laughs."</i><br />
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<i>This place is where awesome people are making a difference in the world. The pizza has an amazing s"auce and there are a wide variety of toppings available. This is a happy family restaurant. 👍"</i><br />
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<i>"What a wonderful idea!!! Great pizza BEST ICE CREAM! Farrs from Utah!! Yummo!! And the staff all wonderful!!!! I can totally see them expanding quickly all over Colorado and other states!! What a great concept and flawless execution! Congrats to all those who put their heart and soul into this! You have a customer for LIFE!!"</i><br />
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<i>"This place ROCKS!!! I was so impressed with how smooth everything seemed to be running considering it was their “soft opening!” I love everything about it. I loved the teamwork that I saw when my family and I were there. I love what this business stands for and I LOVED the pizza. It was amazing and the crust was soooo good. I’m so excited for Buckaroos and I pray blessing upon blessing for this whole establishment. We will definitely be back!!!"</i><br />
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Sitting here after the extremely busy weekend, resting my feet and legs after multiple 16 hour days, I am taking a moment to reflect back over the course of the past year. What a hard, painful, difficult year it has been for me personally. SO much happened alongside the planning for Buckaroos, and at times I wanted to cry it was so overwhelming. I ended up sobbing in church this weekend after one of our dear friends got up and spoke from the heart about how our family has touched his life, and the life of our church. I totally lost it. His words meant so much to me, probably because it HAS been so hard, and yet somehow we have made it, and still love one another, and God is using us to provide a sacred space in the form of a little pizzeria to offer meaning and purpose. All any of the seven of us want is to be "that place" for others, and we accomplished it. Matt and Josh have helped so much, and filled in with emergency runs to Sam's Club an hour away, a reassuring shoulder to lean on, and much needed valuable labor.<br />
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From concept to business plan to marketing plan to VERY arduous physical work, we arrived at the finish line, only to see new horizons to race toward. I kid you not, we had finished our first day when Kenny told me he had an idea to expand to a cleaning business to partner those with disabilities with others to clean houses and offices, and Olesya already has our game plan in mind to "move across state lines". Hahaha! So who is it that taught these kids to dream such big dreams???<br />
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God did.<br />
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There are many more who need employment and will struggle to find a safe place to learn. We already have 4 or 5 applications from people who want to work, who we simply don't have enough work for...yet. Maybe God will continue to do something extraordinary here, using the Family God Built to do so, along with all those who love and encourage this crazy clan of ours. Maybe there is more in the future, but for now we are all praying for continued increasing numbers of visitors so that we can make it. We know we can't do it alone, and never have done anything alone.<br />
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As we gather round those three tiny tables, as we offer hugs and smiles and hope, I am reminded over and over again that this is NOT about us, this is not about the LaJoys, it is bigger, it is more important by far than we seven. Singing in choir this Sunday, so bleary eyed and physically worn out, I was so moved by the lyrics of the chosen song, Love Grows Here. The sermon and music aligned so beautifully with what we have tried to accomplish, and hopefully will continue to offer others. May we never, ever forget...<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Love Grows Here</span><br />
By Nancy Price<br />
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Take a look around you<br />
Tell me what you see<br />
People here to worship the Lord<br />
Just like you and me<br />
Some have come in gladness<br />
Some have come with fear<br />
But all have come because they know that love grows here<br />
Yes, love grows here<br />
And all of us can share<br />
the wonder and joy that it can bring<br />
For God is near<br />
Teaching us to care<br />
And showing our hearts<br />
How to sing<br />
Some of us are lonely<br />
Some have many friends<br />
Some lives just beginning<br />
Some are near the end<br />
Yet we come together<br />
Knowing he is near<br />
Once again…<br />
<i><br /></i>
Love from our Pizza Guy...<br />
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Cindy LaJoyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16486626867331586704noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-27160154666862210692019-10-14T00:07:00.000-06:002019-10-14T00:07:04.655-06:00A Beautiful Mystery<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Our blog is titled, "The Family God Built", and as Kenny said this past week, Buckaroos is turning into "The Business God Built!"<br />
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The past couple of weeks have been extraordinary in so many ways. It has also been exhausting, and we are all looking forward to the creation phase being done, and the running of Buckaroos "for real" to begin. Since I last shared here, we have had two Soft Openings to practice and let all our employees become familiar with our business, we have held two employee training sessions, handled a gazillion small details, and generally all of us have been working 12-14 hour days. <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Our First Pizza to be Ordered!</td></tr>
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All has not gone smoothly, as we are battling oven issues and are so grateful that we purchased a double conveyor oven as one is working and the other is not, and hasn't despite 6 or 7 visits from the commercial equipment repairman. It is basically rebuilt now, and a repairman from Colorado Springs arrives tomorrow at a hefty price ($1200...ouch!) to work on it. Poor Dominick has done everything possible to get it running, and yet his frustration is at a minimum. It is such a neat experience to be married to someone since their youth and see their maturity over time. The younger Dominick would not have handled this with as much aplomb as the more seasoned Dominick is.<br />
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I have been too tired to write, but also, if I am being honest, I have been unable to find the words to share what all has happened. Deep emotion has swirled constantly, and nailing that down to talk about is proving difficult. We have all vacillated from one moment to the next between confidence and fear, concern and excitement. Thankfully, as we have joked, I am glad we aren't all in the valley at the same time! Usually it is one of us, and it seems to rotate between us all. This week it has been my turn, but a beautiful mystery unfolded today which served as affirmation for us all.<br />
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Today, our Pastor handed Angie a note, saying someone wanted us to receive it but wanted to remain anonymous. Ang tucked it in her purse, and later when we were all in the car on our way home, she remembered it and pulled it out to open. Inside the envelope was no note, just a cashier's check for...$5,000.00. <br />
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WHAT?!?!?!<br />
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We have no idea who to thank for this incredible generosity, which couldn't have come at a better time for me personally. It was Thursday when I admitted I was growing a little scared about the debt, as we looked at more charges for oven repairs. I had also made the call to allow a few of our special needs employees to come on in for the second Soft Opening, despite the fact that we really have no cash reserve to easily pay them. A quick check in with everyone and we decided that it was important enough to go ahead and say "yes" to those who were so eager to return for another night of work. It felt like the right thing to do, and we knew it would really matter to our employees. As Angie keeps reminding us, we need to make certain our mission is always first, and we all believe if we do that then somehow there will be enough to cover everything. How our kids ended up with such an "abundance" mindset, I am not sure, but it permeates everything they all do, and it is a regular encouragement to me as well to keep my eye on the things that matter most. <br />
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So here we were, a new major chunk needed to be spent tomorrow for the oven, and God shows up completely out of the blue through a gift from someone who will remain a beautiful mystery to us. <br />
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I can't help but ask myself why this sort of goodness happens to us so frequently. We are no more deserving than anyone else, and yet over and over again we find ourselves on the receiving end of someone's generosity. We try our very best to give back in ways we can, and yet we could live three lifetimes or more and never be able to repay the kindness so many people have shown us in big ways, sometimes anonymously. Trust me, our entire family never, ever takes it for granted. Kenny said he hopes we never lose that sense of awe when good things happen that we felt today when the contents of the envelope was revealed. We try to repay it in as many ways as we can find, but it is never the same as has been offered us because we simply don't have the means. All we really have to offer up to others, and God, is our hearts and our time. How I wish we could repay all we have been given!! Down to the last LaJoy, we all feel a strong sense of responsibility to work our hardest so that any gift such as this isn't wasted.<br />
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But I will tell you it is very hard not to feel unworthy. <br />
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Our Soft Openings have already taught us a lot, and here is what I have been thinking about over the past couple of weeks:<br />
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1) The idea that we are somehow offering opportunity to "poor disabled people" couldn't be further from the truth. What is so apparent is how much WE are being offered by our employees who Angie said today, "...feel like we have known them forever, even though we have only really worked together two or three times." We have some very special relationships already forming, we have a wonderfully delightful staff which is comprised of two-thirds folks with special needs. What we have been especially fortunate in is finding employees who all have a heart for this mission of Buckaroos, who have a unique kindness to them, and who are already proving themselves to be a wonderful supportive team where EVERYONE is equal, and some just need partnering. <br />
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2) Montrose is the best place in the world to live. I know others might disagree, but our city is a little slice of heaven, and we have been encouraged by the social media comments and in-person conversations we have had. A story shared about us by <a href="https://www.facebook.com/MontroseMirror/?ref=nf" target="_blank">The Montrose Mirror</a> on its Facebook page was viewed by over 15,000 people, and had 147 comments and 197 shares! Many have reached out, whether we know them or not, with words of support and celebration that this sort of business will be in town, and pledges to support us with purchases. How I hope that comes to fruition! <br />
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3) The dignity that comes from participating in meaningful work and having a work community of friends who know and accept you is something you must witness for yourself to understand. The difference in confidence level and self-esteem was evident even from one Friday night to the next, enough that it was hard for me not to shed tears over what I was seeing...the eagerness to please, the nervous pride as family members came in to see their relative actually WORKING, the father who sobbed as he saw his son working to take pizzas out of the oven and cut them to place in boxes, the hugs as they walk in the door wearing their Buckaroos shirt with such obvious pleasure. And NAME TAGS!!! With their own name on it!!! I never would have dreamed THAT would be such a huge deal, but it is.<br />
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4) How fast one stops seeing "disability" and what remains is only "my friend" or "my co-worker" after you spend just a little bit of time interacting with someone. Funny that I equate this with adoption, but in our case, our kids don't look or sound like us, and within days post adoption we literally forgot the world would be unable to easily view us as a family because of our differences. I look at my Asian sons and I see our sons, Matt, Kenny and Josh. Now, of COURSE I know we don't "match" but I don't see that from the outside, and we have all long since ceased seeing the differences, or hearing the differences such as with Olesya and Angela's strong Russian accents that have remained. That is just how our daughters sound, we are used to it, and in our world it is normal. So too, are our employees just who they are, no reservations, as we already have accepted whatever makes us different from one another and set that aside to see the human being that should be seen first, before any disability is seen. <br />
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5) People with cognitive or developmental delay are FAR more courageous than the world ever wants to give them credit for. For some reason, we tend to apply that thinking to those who "overcome" physical disabilities, and we are dismissive as a society of those with differently functioning brains. We seldom see them as being brave, we infantalize them, we talk over them rather than with them, we don't know what to do with them. People with invisible disabilities face a world in which they will never fit, and they know it. They are bullied regularly, are scared of the impatience they experience from others on a daily basis, and they tackle life with great hope when things are far more challenging for them than they ever are for the average person. <br />
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In two heartbreaking conversations, I have already had to reassure two of our employees who approached me privately and haltingly said they were scared because they had been bullied or treated very rudely in the past. I told them that no one was going to bully them or be unkind to them, and if they were, they would no longer be welcome in our store and we would protect them. I was honest, saying that we might not be able to stop someone from saying something initially, but they would always have us to protect them the best we could. <br />
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6) Once you remove the fear of disappointing someone or making a mistake and being reprimanded for it, once you create a safe place for failure to be more about trial and error than an overblown crisis, it is fascinating to see what someone is willing to try...and fail at...and try again! We can't become proficient at something that will take us tons of repetition if we aren't allowed the chance to fail multiple times and keep trying. Friday night Angela dropped 3 pizzas at once from our countertop warmer, and later another employee dropped one learning how to take pizza out of the oven. Ang and I talked about how glad we were that SHE was the one who dropped three and made a huge mess, because she knows it is safe to make a mistake and was able to model that understanding before our employee did the same thing, probably making it less uncomfortable. We have had scoops of ice cream flung as those with coordination issues try diligently to master making a cone. We will have many, many more learning experience that others might name as "mistakes", but to us, it is all part of the lengthy process of mastering something when it is difficult to us. Our motto is not to catch people doing something wrong, but to catch them doing something right and build on that. So many of our employees have experienced very little success or positive recognition in their lives from anyplace outside of their families. Maybe we can change that a little :-)<br />
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There have been many little things that have witnessed that touched me deeply, and as time goes in and I can breathe a bit I hope to share them here, for this is truly a new adventure and I can't wait to see what God has in store for us! But I can't complete the blog post without sharing the single thing that has perhaps squeezed my heart more than anything else:<br />
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If there has been a "star" at all the past two Soft Opening evenings, it has been Josh. At 16 years old, he has a compassion and patience that revealed itself in surprising new ways. Within 10 minutes the first night, he had two or three special needs young adults at the prep table with him standing beside, guiding them, encouraging them, teaching them with a gentleness of spirit that was so very special to witness. Never needing the spotlight, he has done SO much to assist his siblings, and presented a command of the kitchen instantly that had us all seeing him as more man than teenager. He exuded a confidence that I think even he hadn't expected, as he is a natural at this and will be a leader in the business despite his age. How I love all our kids, but these two nights Josh was a true shining light. Whether it was jumping in to clean at the end of the night with no guidance, stepping back to let others try new skills and nurturing them toward competence, I couldn't have loved him more than seeing how kind he was.<br />
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We are currently living within a beautiful mystery, one that reveals itself slowly day by day. What will our employees be able to do with the right support? How can we grow the business effectively so we can ensure everyone keeps their job? What does God want to happen here with Buckaroos?? Who offered such an astoundingly generous gift to us?<br />
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Are we going to make it?<br />
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We are giving it our all, each and every one of us. If we don't make it, it surely won't be from a lack of effort. It also won't be from a lack of care from others, as we are being carried in prayer by so many. We were deeply touched that over 50 people from our church traveled a little over two hours round trip to come to our soft openings. Talk about encouragement!!! Talk about making us all feel very loved and cared for!! Talk about seeing God in the faces of each and every one of them!!! We can never say thank you enough, and it goes to show you how important showing up is.<br />
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The beautiful mystery remains, and grows with each passing day. So much yet to discover, so much left to offer others of ourselves, so many new things to learn. May we be paying careful attention to what presents itself, and may we never miss seeing God in our midst.<br />
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Cindy LaJoyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16486626867331586704noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-30578797550179296522019-09-29T19:11:00.000-06:002019-09-29T19:56:12.887-06:00Thriving with Thrive!! Or...The Gift That Kept Us Going<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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The story of Buckaroos Slices and Scoops would not be complete without the inclusion of this very special episode, and it is part of the saga we kept quiet until this post. It was the biggest surprise in this particular journey, and when times were tough, it affirmed for us that we must press on, that God had a plan for this whether we fully understood it or not at the time.<br />
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In March of this year, we attended the International Pizza Expo in Las Vegas. We knew we wanted to serve pizza and ice cream, but we knew little else. It is hard not to laugh now because we have come so far, but with kids like ours and their challenges, we knew it was imperative for the concept to move beyond the theoretical into the practical, and there is nothing better than the hands on approach for those with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, so off we went! We had a list of things we knew we needed to begin researching...pizza ingredients, equipment, various business models, and a Point of Sale Cash Register System/Online Ordering System.<br />
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Spending two days wandering the exhibitor floor, the size of which was the equivalent of eight football fields, it was hard not to feel overwhelmed. The sights, sounds and smells caused all of us to experience a fair amount of sensory overload! Then there were the sales reps from many companies who were well trained in how to gently push interested parties, and how to create a sense of urgency which would push buyers to make choices they might regret later, once away from the energetic environment.<br />
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Aisle by aisle we traipsed through the arena, sampling, practicing saying "No, thank you" and gathering information for products we might ultimately be interested in. Later on the first day, the kids took a break to attend educational seminars, and my best friend, Candi, and I began to approach some of the POS system vendors. We knew this was going to be the biggest purchase outside of our pizza oven, and we also realized it was likely to be the most complicated item to consider. The restaurant concept was intended to be handled as much by our three very young adults as possible, but with their disabilities, we knew they needed a computer-based system that would be as simple to operate as possible, because none of the kids are very adept at technology. We also knew that if we were planning on living into the mission of our business and hiring others who also had cognitive disabilities or developmental delay, the selection of just the right POS system would make all the difference between success and failure.<br />
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As we approached a couple of vendors and tentatively explored their systems, we instantly felt more like we had walked onto a used car lot. Slick salesmen with memorized pitches stalked us the moment we stepped into their booth, and they talked over us the entire time, never really listening to what our needs were as they were so intent on showing us all the bells and whistles their systems had. After a few moments at each, we escaped as politely and quickly as we could, and were discouraged as we realized this might end up being the most difficult purchase we would have to make, and maybe NOTHING was going to work well for us.<br />
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Looking at our map, we headed toward yet another booth with Point of Sale Systems, steeling ourselves for what we assumed would be a repeat of the other unpleasant experiences. The company's system was named <a href="https://www.thrivepos.com/" target="_blank">Thrive POS</a> from Granbury Solutions, and I groaned inwardly as their salesman zeroed in on us. He introduced himself to us as Eddie LeBon, and within moments it was clear this would be a more comfortable encounter. Eddie asked questions...and he was attentive to our responses. Where others talked and "sold", he listened and offered suggestions. When we explained what we were hoping to accomplish with Buckaroos Slices and Scoops, and that we were in need of a POS system that could be simplified as much as possible, he didn't disregard us and try to show us all the advanced properties of the system. Instead, Eddie explained how it could be customized in many ways to offer a "cleaner" screen and that the data input was efficient and intuitive. We grabbed his business card and a brochure, and with our guard now down a bit we told him we would return with the kids a little later to have them take a look.<br />
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About an hour later we arrived back at the <a href="https://www.thrivepos.com/" target="_blank">Thrive POS</a> booth, and we waited for Eddie to finish with another customer. Can I tell you he won me over from the moment I saw the great respect with which Eddie treated the kids? He took them seriously, he walked them through what the system had to offer slowly, step by step, and spoke directly to them as the business owners. He had been prepped ahead of time about the kids' disabilities, and he spoke to their concerns about the complications of any POS system, gave them a brief hands-on tour of the program, and turned them loose to test it out. Most importantly, he didn't talk down to them, and they felt empowered as they looked at something so costly but necessary.<br />
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Returning to the show the next day, we all hit every single other POS system company to compare their products to Thrive's system. Let's just say the experience was less than desirable, and the dismissive attitudes with which the kids were treated was in stark contrast to how Eddie had dealt with them. It was obvious they were being viewed as a waste of time, as sales people were eager to push them aside to deal with what they felt were "real " prospects. Visiting the Thrive booth once again, we found Eddie and had decided to put a sizeable down payment on their system. It was a perfect fit! Kenny, who is our most tech challenged, had been able to walk right up to the screen and punch in an order with virtually no instruction, so we knew by that alone that we had a winning system with Thrive. This was a BIG purchase, thousands of dollars being committed to, and we all felt the weight of the decision as we left Vegas, but we also were certain it was exactly what we needed and more user friendly than all the other systems we had tried. We experienced no buyers remorse, but we knew we were now truly beginning to accrue real debt.<br />
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One morning about a week later, as we were gathered around the kitchen table working on our homeschool work, (which was really our business and marketing plans) my cell phone rang. It was someone from Thrive asking if I had a few minutes to chat. Assuming they needed more detailed information to get started on our system, I excused myself from the table and went into my office to talk. I was then informed that I was on a conference call with several others in the room, which confused me as that felt a bit like overkill if they needed some of our basic beginning information, but hey, ok, I am fine with that! Haha!<br />
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What happened next made me weak in the knees. They were calling to tell us that Eddie had shared our story with them, and they had all been touched by what we were hoping to accomplish. They said they wanted to support us in our mission, and had made the astounding decision to give us the entire system, the terminals and printers we needed, the service we needed for installation, the online ordering, and a year's follow-up support at no cost.<br />
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For FREE. Totally FREE. As in, "We are going to return your down payment as well."<br />
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Then I was told, "We believe in you, and we think what you are doing is important."<br />
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I am never speechless; ask Dominick and the kids. I know I must have sounded like a complete fool as I sat there dumbfounded, then stumbled to find the words to say how grateful we were and what an enormous surprise this was. I was almost in tears, this was SO huge for us!<br />
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And you know what? It wasn't only the cash value, though that was certainly a huge unexpected blessing. What mattered most was that someone was taking us seriously, that this wasn't just a pipe dream of ours, and others wanted to invest in us despite the fact they didn't have a clue who we were. In that single moment, we moved from "what if?' to "Oh, we are SO going to make this happen!" in a far more tangible way.<br />
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With them still on the phone, I went out to the kitchen to share with the kids what Thrive was going to do for us, and their hooting and hollering had to be heard all the way to Texas (where Thrive is based) even without the phone!! Hanging up, I turned to the kids and said, "Whatever doubts we have had, God wants something to happen here and this is our big 2 x 4 so we need to really pay attention. With this gift comes a ton of responsibility for us to live into our mission." They all agreed, and were as stunned as I was in the moment. We were all silent for a few minutes, shaking our heads, digesting what had just happened.<br />
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Then, we dug in and got to work.<br />
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As the months rolled by, as contractor delay upon contractor delay was experienced, as the inevitable road blocks rose up that happen with any major project, when we began to wonder if we were somehow "reading the signal" wrong and doubting whether we were really supposed to do this, all one of us had to do was bring up Thrive's generosity, and we all felt affirmed and were able to shake off the concerns. And man, did we have them over and over again! It was literally all we had to hang on to at times when things went awry, and credit card debt was mounting.<br />
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A couple months later, Thrive sent us their new Pizza Head shirts, and we wore them proudly (Josh, in particular, wore his Pizza Head shirt a LOT!) as we continued the challenging work of creating our special little place.<br />
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This past week, Thrive sent their installer, Mike, to Montrose at no cost to us to install the system, and to spend three days training all of us. We were super excited when the boxes arrived a few days before.<br />
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Mike...wow, was he patient! How he put up with our family for three days, I have no idea! Haha! Our menu had been programmed in prior to his arrival, and Matt and I had done some initial "back end" training with their distance trainer, Becca, who was equally patient and her experience in years past working with people who have disabilities surely helped as she customized our menu and embedded images, color coded items, etc. to make it as user friendly as possible. Here is what a couple of our screens look like:<br />
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It was precisely what we needed, but dared not hope for! Simple, clean, functional...and we were off and running with the training!<br />
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Sometimes, you just need someone to believe in you. Boy, does our family understand that one! Thrive gave us a gift that kept us going. When everything felt hard, when we felt like this was maybe too much to take on, Thrive's belief in us made all the difference.<br />
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And now, as we have just completed the hiring process, we are passing that belief on to others. As of yesterday, our staff will include SIXTEEN employees, almost all part-time, ten of whom have special challenges (including our three.) As others have believed in us, so too shall we believe in others. We will be working with a DYNAMITE crew of young people who all have a heart for service, are kind, respectful, and most importantly, need a chance to...well...thrive. It has been a delight, and frankly a profoundly moving experience, to sit with people whose needs are rarely understood, who are seldom seen beyond their label, and who are moved to tears (and so are their moms!) when they hear they are hired.<br />
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"Can I take pictures of where I am going to work to show my friends?"<br />
"All I want to do is make my mom and dad proud of me."<br />
"I get a NAME TAG?" and then excited clapping follows :-)<br />
Then there were the broad grins that slowly spread as each of them realized they were being hired. All because someone believes in them, and doesn't expect them to be anything other than exactly who they are. They will be understood, they will not be yelled at, they will not be made to feel stupid.<br />
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And maybe, if we do this well, we can offer the same gift that keeps them going, too.<br />
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Thank you, <a href="https://www.thrivepos.com/" target="_blank">Thrive</a>, for believing in us. We promise you we will do whatever it takes to build on your faith in this mission of ours in this tiny little space. </div>
Cindy LaJoyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16486626867331586704noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-42335737219066349422019-09-25T00:38:00.000-06:002019-09-25T09:44:35.013-06:00The Place Where All Belong<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Angela crafted three beautiful tables for us, doing her first big wood burning project!<br />
Yes, I am trying to convince her there is another business in this for her :-)</td></tr>
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The delighted grin of a young man with Down's Syndrome when asked if he'd like to learn to make pizza. The catch in a mom's voice as she calls to inquire if we really, really plan to hire people like her child. The eager yet anxious nervousness of a young person with autism who honestly explains why they have been fired from a job before, and how they are trying so hard to learn from their experience and just need a chance to practice things that are hard for them.<br />
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The past few days of interviews for prospective employees have been equal parts heart breaking and mission affirming. There simply are not words for the emotions I have had wash over me as one by one, people sit across this table from me. I knew there might be a need, but that need is generic until you have precious faces to put with it. Something changed for me this week, and it was actually unexpected. I mean, after all, I AM that mom with those kids! I KNOW the heartache, the fears, the obstacles. I have walked in shoes that are similar, waded through waters that are waist high wondering if we were ever going to get to dry land...and hope. Heck, I am still there this moment! So how in the world did this impact me on such a visceral level when it was all so familiar??<br />
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Each person's unique story captured my heart. Each person's courage humbled me. Each person's desires to have the same kinds of experiences and success that everyone else gets to have reminded me that regardless of how different we may be from others, we all truly have the same yearnings in life. We are far more similar than we are different, though some might never be able to really recognize that. Watching the sweet gentleness with which Olesya and Angie treated each and every person that walked through the door, I saw light beaming in to Buckaroos.<br />
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Oh, this is going to be so, so much more than a pizza and ice cream shop.<br />
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As we near completion of all the construction tasks and neaten it all up, the pride the kids feel in their store is oozing out of them. They have built a beautiful little place, handling so much of the physical work with some direction, but having put in sweat equity of the type few would be willing to do. As they work to pay off the debt over the course of the next few years, they will be adding in even more.<br />
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The other night, the first pizza rolled out of the conveyor, a moment of great celebration for us all. Josh wasn't in town for the event, but everyone else was there and admiring the great work of art:<br />
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There it is...the "fruit" of a year's work. Olesya and I were alone in the restaurant for a few minutes and draping my arm around her, we faced "her" kitchen, the dream of her life.<br />
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"Can you believe we did it? We are almost there? Think about what this looked like a year ago!" I said:<br />
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"And NOW look at it!" I added, and this was what we saw:<br />
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Sure there are a few little things left to do, decor to put up, etc. but the transformation of the slimmest thread of an idea a mere one year ago to THIS has been nothing short of astounding. And they did every ounce of it, they painted, they laid flooring, they tore down cinder block walls, they built new walls, and so much more that isn't photo worthy.<br />
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Kenny has spent the past several days creating order guides for every single item we need to make our recipes, and he has updated the painstaking work he and our very-much-missed-adopted-intern/cousin/dear friend Billy did this summer by further editing our food cost analysis documentation. Yes, down to the penny, every.single.menu item has been broken down into the exact cost to create it, and he and Billy priced checked against multiple vendors, and did yet one more review this week. Seven pages of cost analysis, and every vendor online has a set up wish list or online order guide for every single item, all done by Kenny.<br />
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He has also been our "shelving putter togetherer" :-) Hahaha!<br />
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Angie has taken a ridiculous sketch I tried to make (Oh man, glad I never tried to teach art!) and turned it into an Instagram worthy mural on the outside of our building! We were unable, by law, to depict anything that related to our business...no images of pizza, no slogans, etc. so we came up with this idea, and she spent 2 entire days perfecting it. We love it and hope others will enjoy snapping pics as they point to where the have visited in our beautiful Western Slope area.<br />
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Olesya has been in seventh heaven as she has been staying at the store until midnight several nights this past week, cleaning, organizing, and basically keeping us all in good shape there after messes are made as new equipment, countertops, etc. have been installed. Tomorrow is her happiest day to come, I bet, as our first really large food order arrives and she can sort and stash until her heart is content! Haha! She has done so many new things, and is practicing on the cash register with Dominick at the liquor store so she can make change easily, which has been a challenge in the past.<br />
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She also handled addressing and sorting all our "soft opening" invitations, as well as our Grand Opening invitations.<br />
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Poor Dominick has spent 7 months dealing with contractors, city planners, health inspectors, and more. He willingly gave up more and more backroom space at the liquor store when we wheedled and whined over needing "just a little bit more". He has been a rock star through all of this.<br />
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Matt and Josh have helped in all kinds of ways, from being a TShirt model:<br />
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To doing all kinds of manual labor.<br />
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While Josh has been doing that, Matt designed our web site, and recently spent tons of hours learning how to create an online shopping cart integrated with a payment solution/credit card merchant account so we could sell TShirts to those who have expressed interest. He has also spent several hours in training for our marketing system. Check out our web site and TShirt page with our homegrown model at: <a href="https://www.buckaroosmontrose.com/merchandise/" target="_blank">Buckaroos Merchandise</a>. Oh yeah, he is our Chief Pizza Tester, and after our first one came out of the oven he took a couple bites, looked up over the top of his glasses and said, "That is a darned fine pizza, I would totally pay for this!" and as cheap as he is (and Josh too! Hahaha! We tease Josh about going out with his friends to Denny's and ordering a glass of water, then bragging about not spending money!) that was a high compliment!<br />
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And me? Well, I have been the Woman of Many Hats, I guess. I am Keeper of the Project Deadlines, Calendar Monitor, Delegator of All Tasks, Social Media Manager, ServSafe Trained Manager, POS System Coordinator, Accounting and Financing Overseer, Interviewer and Encourager, Butt Kicker and Problem Solver, Interpreter Of All No One Gets That Each Other Says (HAHAHA! Probably my main task!!!), and Outside Entity Collaborator. I have just tonight finished my last online class for Job Coach Certification offered through the Virginia Commonwealth University so that I have a better understanding of the work ahead of us. Oh yeah, and I grocery shop and plan meals, and keep the house clean...maybe teach a little school in between. And I have no photos to share other than this one, because no one takes pictures of the terribly exciting desk work I do!!!<br />
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And maybe my most important role is to continue to pray that God uses this once dark and dingy trash filled back room to become something very special. Angie said it best this past week when, as we were talking about very real financial concerns, she shared, "As long as we keep the mission first and never forget why we are doing this, we will make it. The minute we start making decisions based totally on money alone, we will fail."<br />
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We are risking so much for this, I won't pretend otherwise. Dominick and I know retirement will never happen for us, but if we can somehow help our own kids, and make a difference in the lives of others, too, then we will be content. What I love about this group of unique people pulled together from different genetic backgrounds is how our spiritual DNA is the same. We all feel this way, that welcoming others into our lives, perhaps especially those whom others have rejected, is part of our calling as a family. We do so in a no frills sort of way, for we are not really anything special or fancy. We are, hopefully, creating a bigger living room with Buckaroos, a place where others can join us, be accepted, be nurtured, have standards to live up to that are high for character and relationship, and maybe...just maybe...make a really good pizza and serve rich and creamy ice cream crafted by another family business out of Utah.<br />
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Later this week, I will have a very special story to share with you all, one that had us all with jaws dropped and left us teary. We received an unexpected gift, actually we have received several, but this one was from way out in left field! I have feeling it may not be the last we share, if the past few days are any indication, there is a whole lot of beautiful ahead of us, along with a whole lot more hard work.<br />
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As I finally head off to bed, my mind and heart are working overtime, still processing the interviews, the faces that won't recede into the background, the hope that we are carrying ourselves that this place will be the place where all belong.<br />
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"Pizza with a Purpose for People with Potential"...may it be so.<br />
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Cindy LaJoyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16486626867331586704noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-61106440040602845902019-09-19T23:07:00.001-06:002019-09-19T23:07:20.028-06:00Keepin' It Real<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Here we are (Mom with the camera), looking our rugged best. Well, a little less than polished :-)<br />
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This photo was taken in Lake City this past weekend, where we went...well...not camping, but as Angela has dubbed it, "Cabining". We rented a not-so-little cabin (with seven of us it really CAN'T be "little"!) on the lake to try and regroup and refresh as a family, recognizing the need to reconnect after what has been months and months of very challenging times for us. We are intact, we are making it, but man, has it been hard.<br />
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Why? Change, growth, new awarenesses that are hard to accept, overwork, stress from trying to start a new business with multiple delays and lots to learn that is not necessarily easy. Death, grief, loss, repeat. We know if we are not intentional about our time together, we won't be who we are as Team LaJoy...and right now we need that more than ever.<br />
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The trip was just what we needed, and I am so thankful that we had that brief respite before we end up in the thick of it with even longer hours required as Buckaroos opens next month. We all felt a wee bit disconnected, and though it was on the spur of the moment, everyone made time to be very present to each other.<br />
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We are not super outdoorsy, though we love living where we live and being around the splendor we can find so easily on the Western Slope of the Rocky Mountains. One of Kenny's favorite relaxing activities when Cabining is to put together jigsaw puzzles...our Mountain Boy is really more of an Indoor Dude...hahaha!<br />
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Ever the homeschooler (sorry, I may never shake that), it was fascinating to watch everyone play certain unusual brain stretching games, some of which utilized words, some images, some numbers. It was amazing to see who was really oriented in which directions, no surprised, but the speed with which some of the puzzles were solved was shocking! To no one's surprise, Matt was the whiz kid at QBits, which we had never played before, solving the shape based puzzles seemingly instantly. Racing against one another, the matching games proved to be areas of great strength for both Kenny and Olesya. Word games? Mom blew everyone out of the water...hahaha! At least I had one strength! The matching games of images was a total and complete bomb for me, EVERYONE beat me! We had a lot of fun, and it was nice to get our heads completely off of work for a little bit.<br />
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This trip was different though, as for the first time, really, it felt as if I was traveling with all adults. The work load was shared quite evenly, everyone took turns cooking and cleaning, and as I looked around, I realized that I may always say "the kids", but it really isn't true any longer. I knew that intellectually, but I felt it in a new way this past weekend. No, it brought no melancholy at all, I am not really built that way, I don't yearn for yesteryear. Instead, I felt a sense of accomplishment that we have made it this far, that everyone is intact and whole, that lots of healing has occurred, and that there is forward momentum.<br />
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This is in spite of the very real truths that life with so much disability is harder than I ever fully express here. It is impossible to capture the daily struggles, the achingly painful moments, the brain misfires and simple exhaustion that washes over me some weeks. Dysmaturity...the mixture of younger and older behavior in the same person...is confounding and hard to keep up with sometimes. It can be disheartening to feel you have made it to one place, and then realize there is a pre-teen still very much alive inside a full grown adult body.<br />
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There is growth as well, it just occurs in fits and starts with wider swaths between them. When I work hard at it, I see it clearly. When I am exhausted from being the second brain for several others, it is hard to grasp. Sometimes I personally struggle with feeling that Matt and Josh are not always getting the attention and time they deserve. My relationships with each of the kids run deep and strong, but I know what it is like from my own childhood to be the one who is "OK" and parental attention sometimes has to focus in another direction. Balancing it all is something I am not as good at as I wish I were, and I am always left feeling that I have someone not "seen" someone who deserved to be seen.<br />
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These two are such sweet, bright, diligent, responsible, faithful young men. They have worked tirelessly for their siblings to help make Buckaroos a success. Matt skipped out on a Civil Air Patrol meeting early tonight to get back to work on their web site and add in a couple of features. Josh has spent time this week, yet again, doing several tasks there at the store. Neither one expects anything in return, and they happily offer their services. Sometimes I am blown away by their generous hearts, and each of them often touches base with me, making time to have a conversation on hard days, reminding me I am doing a good job under challenging circumstances, offering support and encouragement to their brother and sisters while teasing them mercilessly :-)<br />
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Watching Josh this weekend, it was so easy to see the father and husband he will become one day. The girls and I talked about it later. It is hard sometimes to remember he is only 16, for he carries himself very much like a man these days. He got up early to make pancakes for everyone...his specialty which is white chocolate chip pancakes. There was something in his demeanor that reminded me of Dominick when the kids were young, or my own Dad who would make breakfast for our family. Josh is very clear that his heart's desire is not so much about a particular career or hobby, but that he one day wants to be a husband and father. He speaks about it frequently, about how he won't live for his job but wants a good career to support a family. His pancake skills are on point, so he will have some happy kiddos one day!<br />
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No, this is not a failed attempt, this is actually how Angie likes her pancakes...and everything else! Charred!! Hahaha!<br />
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And this may be one of my favorite photos in a very long time...<br />
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After pancakes, Kenny, Olesya and I went kayaking, something that due to the past two summers I just haven't had time for. Summers have been extra hard the past two years, but it felt SO good to get back out on the water, and I was enormously proud of Olesya who has been far too scared to get back in a kayak after going rafting once and falling out, losing her glasses in the process. She gathered up her courage and though she paddled very tentatively, she pushed past her fears and got back out there!<br />
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Lake City is my dream spot, my very favorite place of all in Colorado. Many might not find it so, as there are more majestic locales in our beautiful state, but it is small and cozy feeling, and we have been here 4 or 5 times and had lovely, relaxing adventures every time. I don't tend to have property envy, but man, a home on the lake here would be amaaaaaaaazing.<br />
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Yes, it was just what we all needed, and laughing over ridiculous movies as we snacked late into the night was an exercise in healing :-) The coming months are going to test us in new ways, stretch us beyond anything we have experienced before. We returned home to hit the ground running in earnest, having established a Grand Opening weekend for Buckaroos Slices and Scoops for October 18th and 19th. There is so much to do! Hiring, learning a point of sale system, working our oven and making pizzas "for real" now, gearing up our social media presence, and much more. <br />
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Keepin' it real, this is going to be harder than we can possibly imagine, it already has been this entire past year. Also keepin' it real, we love each other, we work hard, we want to make a difference in the world around us. We are far from a perfect family. We have "errors in communication" with far more regularity than most which leads to incredible frustration. We make mistakes with great regularity. We often "zig" when we should have "zagged". But through it all, we keep trying, we work extremely hard at our familial relationships and we value them. We put a whole lot of faith in God to pull us through the hardest times. Funny how people tend to label eras in their lives as all good or all bad, when really, there is never a time that is all one or the other, unless that is how one chooses to view it. We see what we want to see. Sometimes I have to remind myself to get my head in a place of greater gratitude. Not Pollyanna-esque style, but simply not taking all the good stuff for granted because the hard stuff is so hard. <br />
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The respite from Buckaroos and real life was necessary and truly relaxing. Our lives are already three days back entirely consumed now with crunch time. I am sure our next couple of posts will be largely about Buckaroos and where we are at with it. Sorry if that is boring! For us it is exciting and scary and maybe terrifying. Full steam ahead, here we go!</div>
Cindy LaJoyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16486626867331586704noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-89684349619169611962019-09-05T17:36:00.001-06:002019-09-05T17:36:30.258-06:00Growing Through Pain<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I know with five kids, one might think that we have had a few medical issues along the road, the typical broken arm, twisted ankle requiring crutches for a couple weeks, maybe some stitches here and there. After all, kids manage to be pretty "breakable" in all kinds of ways, despite the fact that they think they are indestructible!<br />
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But sometimes I find myself wondering what it would actually be like to have kids, regardless of the number, who didn't have to suffer so much physical and emotional pain. I wonder what it would be like to be the mom and deal with just a broken arm or a few stitches here or there, or the wounded heart that comes from first time love that fails.<br />
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This past week Angie has been in incredible pain. She has yet another tooth issue, a failed root canal that has left her writhing. We took her to the dentist Tuesday, where they determined what the issue was, prescribed meds for the building infection and pain, and had us make an appointment with the endodontist for the following Monday. Last night, though earlier in the afternoon it appeared the medications were finally kicking in, we found ourselves at the ER as the pain suddenly became unbearable, so bad she collapsed on the floor before we left and could barely walk upright.<br />
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Now, this girl is tough. I mean Tough with a capital T, so if she is complaining, there is really something wrong. As I sat there feeling utterly helpless, outwardly calm but inwardly wanting to scream at the Emergency physician to GET IN HERE NOW AND FIX IT, I couldn't help but think just how many times I have sat bedside with our kids completely unable to offer any relief other than to simply be present, to offer them encouragement to stay strong and confidence that I know they can make it through.<br />
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Angie, who is usually so stoic through these kinds of things, was completely unable to speak as she shuddered in pain, tears streaming and body stiff with the effort to stave off the waves of pain. Her lower lip quivered as she bravely tried to get through this next dental episode, the worst she has yet to have. Having had five root canals and crowns, along with other cavities and tooth infections, means she is well versed in "what comes next", but that almost makes it worse.<br />
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Through all that has been endured physically by our kids; spinal fusion surgery, major jaw surgeries, multiple cleft surgeries too numerous to keep track of, Tuberculosis times two, rickets, tooth decay to a ridiculous degree, and more, I have sat beside them, hopefully offering some level of comfort as I am truthful and acknowledge the pain they are in, but remind them that soon, it will pass.<br />
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However, it is the emotional pain that is perhaps the hardest to deal with. The damage that comes from feeling unloved, feeling stupid because brains were damaged, not understanding what they don't understand in any given moment because logic has flown out the window and processing is impossible...and they know. They grow weary, frustrated, and at moments flip flop between complete denial and devastating acceptance. There tends to be little in between with our FASD (Fetal Alchol Spectrum Disorder) young adults when we are in hard moments. It is heartbreaking to witness, and gut wrenchingly difficult to try and find the perfect life raft to throw them that can offer them hope.<br />
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Then there are the ways in which we have to protect them from themselves while others have NO CLUE nor can begin to understand. Heck, I get it, we struggle to even explain it. Today, while at the dentist, I went back with Angie. I offered to remain behind if she wanted, respecting her adulthood, but even in her pain she had the presence of mind to know they would offer instructions that her brain might confuse, and this was not the time to take chances. Of course, the sweet dental tech doesn't understand any of this, nor that Angie might struggle to answer as her brain was distracted by pain, and she certainly was not going to grab hold of any instructions afterward. Being the mom of adults who now look like they ought to be handling everything on their own is awkward in all kinds of ways, because they really can't handle it. I have received more Helicopter Mom looks than I can count, and it is painful sometimes for me to always be perceived that way. Kenny has a great sensitivity to this and always explains it to others when he goes for medical care or financial assistance, and has told me, "It is hard enough for you to have to do this for me forever, the least I can do is be aware how others might view it and step up so they know I want you here and you are not like that kind of mom." Of course, he has had far more opportunities to practice it and witness it than the girls have had.<br />
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No matter how vigilant we are, there are still things we can't do to protect them. For example, Olesya and Kenny worked on the holiday to seal the parking lot at House of Spirits Liquors and Buckaroos (our stores.) Olesya was in the sun all day and got sealer all over her arms and hands. She also got sunburned pretty badly despite trying sunscreen but washing it off almost immediately because it caused her to itch. She came home and showered, and when she came out, she looked like this (these were actually taken 2 days later):<br />
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Yeah...I imagine you cringing as you view these photos. Cringe even more when you realize her brain did not tell her that she was very literally tearing her own skin off her arms and hands. I was totally in shock when I saw her afterward, knowing she didn't go in looking like that, but she scraped with her fingernails to get the sealer off, NEVER RECOGNIZING the damage she was doing. When questioned, she admitted she didn't even realize it until she was out of the shower. Her sunburn was awful, but she hadn't felt that either and she normally turns beat red in the sun so Dominick had no clue she was burning that badly. In the past, she sensed little pain even with a broken arm that almost required surgery, and she had chemical burns to her feet and knees because she didn't realize kneeling in floor stripper would burn her (she had been told, she just didn't "get it") and even though her feet and knees were burned through layers of skin (she had holes in the soles of her shoes, hence the feet), she didn't "connect the dots" and realize she might be hurting herself with the floor stripper because "I just thought I was wet."<br />
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I share this NOT to embarrass Olesya, or any of the kids, but THESE are the ways in which our kids struggle and we worry about them being safe all.the.time. We just added to our business marketing for Buckaroos that "Some disabilities are invisible"...and yet, as with the above, sometimes they are not. They just manifest differently and you need to look carefully at the clues. We have realized after this incident that Olesya's brain must short circuit around pain somehow, and not actually feel it to the degree we all would.<br />
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This, too, causes me to ache for the kids. It won't get better, it never will get better, not this part. We all know it and are doing our best to navigate these next years as we figure out what is safe and possible, and what is not.<br />
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I don't know if I have figured it out yet though. I have long forgotten what "normal" looks and feels like, though driving with Josh with his learner's permit has been a pleasant and beautiful surprise. Especially when he proudly offers to treat me to a drink at Burger King to make me feel special and now we have a "thing" every time we go out...that Orange Fanta frosty drink is awesome! It was also a reminder of just how flexible my own brain has had to be as we work with and love such a diverse set of young people. Sometimes I find myself offering totally unnecessary reminders to Matt and Josh, who graciously accept it when I catch myself saying, "Wait...sorry for that...you don't need micromanaging. Just sort of used to it!" and they grin and tell me they understand. They know those reminders, the checking for comprehension, the double checking are totally necessary in other parts of my life.<br />
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One thing we don't have to figure out, thankfully, is how committed we are to one another, each and every one of us. I might have to guess at what "normal" would feel like, but I don't have to guess at what immeasurable love feels like. I'll take that over "normal" any day. I hate the suffering, damn I hate it. It doesn't matter if it is emotional, physical or spiritual, I would change that instantly for our kids if I could. But they are who they are, these amazingly resilient, beautiful souls, not in spite of the suffering, but because of the suffering. I try never to forget that in my yearnings for them to suffer less, for sometimes it is all I can cling to when I see the confusion and pain in the eyes of one of them who is struggling to "get it" in any given moment, or when they are undergoing some painful procedure and I sit back, present but somewhat removed and they know it and there is little I can do but be their cheerleader from the sidelines.<br />
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Pain has been quite a teacher in our home. Suffering has been a companion. Love has ruled though, always.</div>
Cindy LaJoyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16486626867331586704noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-55369697876431255122019-08-20T00:28:00.000-06:002019-08-20T00:28:54.755-06:00The Dramedy That is My Life<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Sitting here in a darkened hotel room, Kenny well drugged and fast asleep near me, I find there is no way at all I can even doze. It is almost midnight here in Chicago, and I have slept a whopping grand total of four hours in the past forty-eight hours. My mind has been on overdrive for weeks now, my heart has been squeezed a little too hard lately, and that is a bad combo for a good night's rest.<div>
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Today's surgery went well, though we waited seven hours for him to go into the OR, his anxiety ramping up as he tried to distract himself. More bone grafting, the removal of two front teeth for a total of three top front teeth that are now missing and will need to be replaced with implants, a couple hours stay in recovery, and we were finally back in our hotel room many hours past when we had anticipated. He rolled over and turned off the light long ago, and here I sit, alone with my thoughts, trying to sort through so many events and emotions.</div>
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I lost my mom a week ago tomorrow. It somehow feels like years ago...and yet like moments ago as well. This past year has been, as Dominick said to me over the phone, perhaps the hardest year of my life. He has been around a looooong time and seen me go through some doozies, long before we had kids as my family struggled mightily with so much, as each of our own children came home and we worked through monumental issues, and as he and I worked at a feverish pace when we first arrived in Colorado to build a business and a new life. Nothing really compares to this year. As I measure it all, it reads like a dramedy, that is if I weren't actually living it. </div>
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In the space of 13 months here is the "scorecard" of what has happened, just the big stuff:</div>
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1) Mom was moved from temporary rehab to permanent nursing home care</div>
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2) Rushed out to CA to pack mom's house up in 3 days, get her finances in order, and make many arrangements to sell her little mobile home.</div>
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3) Dominick and I have been to CA six times to visit moms and help as we could.</div>
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4) Kenny had three different surgeries, two of them fairly major, with five multi-day trips total Chicago</div>
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5) Spent months dealing with the State of CA to get mom approved for Medi-Cal</div>
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6) Had to travel to New Mexico to handle banking issues for mom for her Medi-Cal approval, because it was the nearest branch available.</div>
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7) Homeschooled four kids all year</div>
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8) Graduated two kids from high school</div>
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9) Drove back and forth to Colorado Springs (5 hours and an over night trip usually) five times for camps and retreats for the kids (Dominick handled a lot of that)</div>
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10) Spent the entire year developing, constructing, teaching, and building out Buckaroos Slices and Scoops which will open...well...as soon as we can manage</div>
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11) ANd this one I still can't quite believe...spent two weeks in New England with my best friend, Candi, as her mother was on hospice and passed away so she didn't go through that alone, returned home for two weeks, only to oddly find ourselves in the circumstance of...</div>
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12) Spending two weeks on the opposite coast to be with my mom as she was unexpectedly put on hospice and passed away from the very same issues that Candi's mom had. We literally don't have words to describe this unusual and painful coincidence, but we do know God provided the support we needed in each other.</div>
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13) Had a summer long visitor at home in our intern and adopted nephew, Billy, who was a God send in all kinds of unexpected ways</div>
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14) Multiple emotional/brain challenges that made life...well...challenging in ways that simply can not be explained unless you have young adults with FASD and "get it".</div>
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15) I had health problems with a thyroid completely gone haywire and off the charts with meds not working for 5 months or so</div>
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16) Blue Collar Homeschool Facebook Group grew by 2800 members to 6800, requiring hours and hours of time to be the admin and share content, send out over 75 certificates, and other behind the scenes work.</div>
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As I lay all of that out on the metaphorical table, it makes it easier for me to see just why I feel so overwhelmed...and that I am not a total wimp. My emotions are haywire, sort of on the fritz, so to speak, and I find I am walking around enveiled in a translucent, gauzy haze, trying hard each moment of every day to simply move forward. There is a flatness to my heart right now, an unfamiliar inability to be fully present in the way I usually move through the world. Right now, simply making it from one day to the next is about all I can manage. Summoning joy is growing harder by the month, despite the gratitude I still feel daily for all I have been given, and there have been multiple times when I have told Dominick that I want to run away from my life for a little while. </div>
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It's a season, and any mature adult has been through these tough ones, but somehow that knowledge doesn't make it any easier at all, does it? We can know the truth of the statement "this too shall pass" while still frantically screaming with fists upraised, "I KNOW that, but WHEN???" I have had many, many moments when it feels like everything is falling apart, and in some ways, it has indeed fallen apart.</div>
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And then, somehow, little pieces are put back together. No, not the entire puzzle, but right now, just getting the border connected and new "framing" for my life in place would be considered a huge "win". People offer beautiful, heartfelt words of encouragement, and that helps. People pray for us and our myriad struggles, and that helps. People literally show up and offer meals, rides, physical labor, and that helps. People REALLY show up and hold your hand, those special friends who sit beside the bed as you wait for a loved one's healing or departure, or they message you regularly saying, "I love you, my friend." and through your tears, you smile and hear the "click" of one of those corner pieces connecting to another border piece. You have a melt down in private, and someone grabs the kleenex for you, makes your next plane reservation, and listens to you by the hours as your voice trembles in grief...or fear...or a combination because your life isn't about one single hard thing, but too many hard things all at once and you don't know WHAT you are feeling and can't compartmentalize it no matter how hard you try.</div>
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One thing that being in your fifties does for you is give you a sense of certainty that at some point, it will turn around, nothing lasts forever and our lives are constantly in flux. You become more pragmatic in your more rational, unemotional moments, and can trust that in time you will be able to breathe more deeply, your shoulders will feel lighter, and laughter will return. Until then, you muddle through, you keep "adulting", and you do your best to find the simple pleasures in dribs and drabs.</div>
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Maybe reflecting on those dribs and drabs here for a moment will help calm my mind and allow me to finally sleep...</div>
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My Dribs and Drabs of Joy</div>
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1) Kenny is in little pain tonight, sleeping soundly, meds doing their job.</div>
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2) Continuing to receive emails and messages from the kids, and from Candi's daughter, sharing their hearts with me, letting me know I am loved through it all, and what they have learned from me. At a time like this, it is a great reminder that we adults model all the time, whether we know it or not.</div>
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3) Dominick is a rock star. Seriously. He covers the bases like no other husband I know, and with a smile every.single.day. At 9:00 pm one night last week he immediately offered to go fly on the 6:00am flight the next morning to Salt Lake City then make the six hour drive home, after I had left it there to fly to mom and couldn't figure out what to do about it in order to get to Chicago and then fly back into Montrose on our original ticket.</div>
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4) A conversation today with a young man Kenny's age at Shriner's who is undergoing his 30th surgery this week, and has had a setback or two but continues to reach out to those young kids around him who were scared and waiting for their own surgery to begin. </div>
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5) My mom's roommate at the nursing home...a light and someone who loved my mom daily during her last year.</div>
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6) Diet Coke. Need I say more?</div>
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7) A decent hotel mattress to sleep on tonight, unlike other nights while I have been gone...or not sleep on as the case may prove to be.</div>
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8) The best best friend ever who was scheduled for a vacation and instead came to be with me and mom, which was even harder considering she had literally just done it for her mom two weeks prior.</div>
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9) Monterey, where we went for two days the night my mom passed so I could feel it all as deeply as I needed to, could try to start breathing, try to get my head on straight so I could be in the right frame of mind for Kenny immediately afterward. The rocky seaside coast we walked alongside soothed me, drew me and my thoughts in, asked little of me but to sit with my grief for just 48 hours and the seagulls called to me, "It's OK, cry out to us!" and God hugged me there as the wind brushed my hair back.</div>
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10) My joy that this year hasn't been even harder, for though it has indeed been emotionally almost crippling, I am still standing, still present, still able to see beyond myself and offer a hug when needed, a smile of appreciation, and though I have lost the first person who ever loved me, I thankfully have more love available to me, proving once again what an infinite source it is, if nurtured and fed.</div>
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These are the less-than-noteworthy late night ramblings of a very confused, unsettled, middle-aged woman whose life has converged to create the perfect storm in a single year. May she find a little peace soon.</div>
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Cindy LaJoyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16486626867331586704noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-69274479736317624112019-08-15T22:42:00.000-06:002019-08-15T22:42:09.352-06:00The Hard Work of Dying is Done<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My mom and I eleven years ago. I have very few photos of her, as she hated having her picture taken.</td></tr>
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Two nights ago, I became an orphan.<br />
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Even writing that makes me wince, and yet, here I am. Maybe writing more here will help me move through the fog of complicated emotions that are overwhelming me. <br />
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I received a call two weeks ago that my mom had been admitted to the ER from her nursing home. A day later I spoke with her doctor, who casually said he thought she might be in the hospital for a couple of days, would be stabilized, and then moved back to the nursing home. After a short discussion with Dominick, I made the choice to make a quick trip out to California for a couple of days to visit with mom and check in on her. At 82 years old, her memory was beginning to fail, as was her ability to have real conversations, and after Dominick saw her in June we realized we may not have many more opportunities for me to be with her where she would fully realize who I was, so off I went. <br />
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Arriving in California I picked up my dear friend, Candi, who had been planning on being with us in Colorado for the week, but changed her plans to accompany me while I visited my mom, then we would both head back home afterward. Walking into mom's hospital room, it was clear something was not right, and a nurse met us and gave us an update. Within the first five minutes, hospice care was mentioned, and my heart sank. My mom's condition had changed drastically overnight, and her chronic kidney disease had progressed to the point where dialysis was necessary, and that was something she had made clear she never desired to have, and her nephrologist also stated that in her poor health, it was not recommended and would do little good at this stage. At that moment, I was so glad I was not alone, and that Candi was with me to help me walk through what was going to be a week and a half of bedside visits and steady decline. There were no real decisions to be made, there was nothing that could be done, the only action to take was being present.<br />
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Mom was always terrified of medical treatments and settings, and so I did my best to reassure her in her confused and panicked stated that she was fine, she was going back to the nursing home to her own bed, and they were just giving her medication to make her feel better. While in the hospital before hospice becoming involved, mom cried frequently, whether from pain or from fear is not totally clear, but it seemed to reassure her to hear my voice. Once medication was on board with hospice, she was far more comfortable and relaxed.<br />
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Sitting beside her bed at the nursing home, I stared at photos of my family on her wall. Though she didn't know them well, she was proud of her grandchildren, and I heard from others how she talked all about them. Daily, we witnessed her features change, as happens when someone is at this stage, and the mom I knew grew ever more distant, eventually looking nothing like herself. I contemplated her life, and our life together. <br />
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My family of origin was lower middle class, and a pretty broken one in many ways. The happy family of my childhood changed drastically around my middle school years, and my brother, a mere year and six days younger then me, slipped into drug and eventual alcohol addiction that lasted his entire life, cut short at age 37 as he succumbed to liver failure. My dad passed away at 58 years old due to a heart condition. Mom, always an introvert, grew more reclusive in her later years. We never had any real relationship with any outside relatives, my dad's family was unknown to us in any way, and my mom's brothers were distant and I was around them only a handful of times my entire life. We were a family who had virtually no community at all, a lack I have felt my entire life. Mom was a hard woman to get to know, her heart walled off and guarded to the hilt to protect her from some unnamed harm. She was a good woman, but one who struggled mightily with affection. Hugs were not offered nor were they comfortable for her, and trying to hold her hand in these last days resulted in her pulling away even while barely responsive. I respected that, as it was uncomfortable for her, but I ached to offer some sort of tangible physical support. It was not unfamiliar to me, but in these moments, I wished so much more for her.<br />
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Over the years, I became an enigma to my mom, a product of her quite intentional parenting that led me to be someone very different from her...a goal she spoke of often...but also created an end product she didn't quite know what to do with. When young, she pushed me to be brave, to try new things, to be social, all things she found almost impossible. She stated often that she wanted me to be the opposite of her, but when she was successful at that, she was faced with a young adult who felt almost foreign. I am grateful for the ways in which she challenged me to overcome my own introversion, but I was left confused when she then also said multiple times, "I don't know why you would want anyone to know you that well, people just hurt you and you can't trust them." That she walked through the world with that as her mantra was one of my most painful understandings in life, and her fear of intimate relationship created a distance between her and the world...and those closest to her...that left holes inside all of us that may never quite be filled up. But I always knew the biggest hole was inside her, and no matter how hard I tried, there was no way I could shovel enough love in to bring it to level ground.<br />
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Sometimes the lessons we learn are from seeing something that doesn't work well in the lives of others, and my greatest lesson from my mom was to love with infinite openness, to dive in as deep as possible, and to never, ever withhold affection. I also discovered how God can heal our open wounds, how inviting God to be present in my life and the life of our family, has literally changed everything. I have seen first hand how walking in daily gratitude leads from a sense of lack to an inner trust in abundance, something I never learned in my youth. I learned a great deal from my mom, and I say with all sincerity that I am deeply grateful to have learned it at all, regardless of how the lesson was taught. <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mom on her 80th Birthday</td></tr>
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There were many other lessons she taught me...how to be frugal and wise with money, how to "hear" music differently, how to stand up for myself and that NO ONE was better than I was regardless of their background. I was taught to be respectful to others, to value education and to develop a love of reading from the time I was four years old. My mom taught me to stop and think things through before jumping, to project outcomes, and to never feel the need to keep up with the Jones'. My mom insisted on honesty, and had a work ethic second to none. <br />
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Despite the challenging relationship with my mom, I loved her deeply. She was the sole person left in this world who shared memories of a family who literally no longer exists, of my earliest years, of my elementary school antics and my middle school angst. No, the irony does not escape me that, just like each of our five children, I too now have no one I am biologically connected directly to in my life. Perhaps that is also an important feeling for me to experience, and a way to better understand those I love most. It hurts. A lot. It all hurts.<br />
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What hurts the most is the sadness that existed in my family, the loneliness that pervaded and drove each person to a place that was unhealthy in one form or another. There was a lack of peace and a hollowness for my dad, my brother, and my mom that I will never quite be able to shake or be able to avoid feeling guilty over. Misplaced guilt, I get that, but sometimes we really are not in control of that, are we?<br />
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And then, in the depths of my dark despair, my own husband and children reached out. Through gentle, tender words beautifully expressed in emails I will cherish forever, each and every one of them hugged me virtually, found words to comfort me, knew exactly what to say to help me begin to heal. Matthew called me from camp late the night she died, and softly whispered to me as I sobbed, more and more a man with each passing day. Friends messaged me, reminding me I am not alone in the world and that I matter to them. Candi was present to keep pulling me toward a center that seemed elusive and kept me from feeling quite as raw as I could have. And God was there with my mom each and every moment as well, in the ways she needed it, through her caring roommate, through the caretakers who were truly impressive in their work, and maybe...just maybe...through my presence as well. I pray that is so.<br />
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I wish you great peace and love, Mom. The hard work is over. I will miss you, and I am who I am because of you. Give Dad and Ronnie a hug from me. </div>
Cindy LaJoyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16486626867331586704noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-2914608018442595092019-08-02T22:20:00.000-06:002019-08-02T22:20:06.137-06:00Finding My Way Back to Me<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Have you ever had a season in life where you were really struggling, and yet couldn't really put into words precisely what the problem was?<br />
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The past year and a half or so have been emotionally charged in ways I am not yet certain I fully understand. Big life events have occurred such as my mom's inability to move through rehab and return home, requiring the emptying and sale of her place. Attempting to develop and open a businesses from the concept to open doors has been a tough gig and required taking a lot of risks. Health issues for the entire year with my thyroid completely off kilter have caused hormonally driven lows. Multiple surgeries with Kenny have been excruciating to walk through side by side with him. Kids have had some real ups and downs I have elected not to share here but that have been incredibly painful and required lots of my deepest attention. Life is shifting in new directions all over the place, which doesn't disturb me at all, despite what others might think with kids graduating, etc. I am not, nor have I ever been, one of those moms who yearn for the younger years or need to cling. I have been excited about every new stage, and revel in watching them move forward in new directions.<br />
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What <i>is</i> the problem then? What has me so off balance? <br />
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I would describe myself right now as lost. Not the kind of lost that comes from empty nesting, because we aren't even close. Not the kind of lost that comes from feeling older and like life is passing me by, because that has yet to feel like an issue for me. It is not the lost that comes from impending menopause, fraught with hot flashes and anxiety around a changing body, though I am certain that hasn't helped.<br /><br />Spending the past several months in great introspection, I have come to a couple of conclusions that may or may not be true. Here are a couple of my thoughts, and I wonder if others in similar circumstances have felt the same...<br />
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<li>Helping my kids heal, spending years in the role of therapeutic parent, has taken a toll. You absorb so much pain, and you move on, nary a thought to how doing this episode after episode is chipping away at your soul. You yearn for wholeness for them, and you might not realize you are losing your own wholeness. You lose sight of what you are sublimating over time. You take the "hits" over and over again, thankfully you often see eventual growth and building of emotional "muscle", but at what cost? I have ignored this, maybe never seen it at all. But I am feeling it now as a weight that feels almost too heavy to heft over my shoulder. Maybe it has just all caught up to me, maybe it seems never ending, I don't really know. But I hurt and emotionally bruise more easily these days, and feel less resilient, less easily able to bounce back after hard days or weeks...or months.</li>
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<li>Spending countless years in seeking out help, answers, and a future path for our kids has left me little time for working on myself. And now, I have no sense of who I am. I lost my way somehow, and need to come back to myself without really knowing what that looks like.<br /><br />I am no longer who I was, too much has happened in the past 20 years for me to ever find my way back to who that woman was. And the version of myself that exists now has just been hanging on for dear life much of the time, trying desperately not to fail those around me, recognizing the true life and death stakes at play. If I can't return to the old version of me, and have had no time to develop a new version, where does that leave me? In a kind of limbo that is very hard to describe, and in some ways with as little self-knowledge as a late teen has. Understandable at 17, not so understandable at almost 53.</li>
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<li>Unlike many with kids this age, I will always have a life more intertwined than others might with their young adult kids. Sure, we will graduate them, but at the very least Kenny will always need support in some form, and there is more needed in other directions as well for the unforeseeable future. We are unlikely to have an empty nest for several more years, if ever. There is active parenting going on all the time, despite chronological ages. While many might interpret my current angst to kids graduating, that is not it at all. How do I live into a new version of "me" as everyone else seems to do at this stage of life, when the old version must remain, at least in part, perhaps forever? <br /><br />And knowing that I need to be fully present much of the time so that others can have a real life, what can I actually live into for myself for this next phase of my life? I don't have the freedom to just come and go as I please, because others need my presence for a variety of reasons. In other words, how can I "become" under those circumstances? I see my friends entering this new season, and it looks so different than mine that it is very hard to relate.</li>
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These are not complaints, they are observations and the unvarnished reality. They are not an indication of depression, but instead an expression of the swirling confusion that is my inner life right now.</div>
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I am not unhappy, I am lost.</div>
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What is my true role with Buckaroos? Where might God help me find meaning and value in my day to day work as homeschooling gradually wanes? I can't work at a real job, I am still needed far too much and likely never will work at a real job ever again. Does the perpetual running all day, the guiding, the listening, the encouraging with young adults...does it really matter? Will I ever find a way to teach again once I am done, something I have found I truly enjoy? Or will those days be put behind me and become mere fond memories? Is there more I am being led to do with Blue Collar Homeschool? Or as we end our homeschool journey in a couple of years will that feel disconnected from me?</div>
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I have prayed and prayed patiently and repeatedly for God to show me a way forward, not for my kids, but for me...something I seldom ask. I need my own personal 2x4, and perhaps I received it recently in the unique, undeniable way that God tends to work in my life. While it didn't provide concrete answers, it may have offered me a direction of sorts, one I am paying close attention to.</div>
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God's 2x4 came in the form of a quote from a book, and a Costco visit. Trust me, they are connected in an unusual way, so just stick with me for a moment.</div>
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For our Blue Collar Homeschool book group (I lead an online discussion) we are reading this book:</div>
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Now, this book is a fascinating look at how average is sort of a farce we all buy into, and the comment on the cover was true...it is consistently mind-blowing. It has nothing to do at all with special needs, and offers a lot of examples and data which some might find mind numbing but I found quite intriguing. What might this have to do with any Divine 2x4's? Wait, I am getting to it. </div>
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I was reading and making notations as I was back east a couple of weeks ago, which is a long story and I won't go into it here. I hadn't quite finished the book, and planned to complete working through it on the flight home. While there, my best friend Candi and I visited Lancaster, PA and ended up visiting the Costco there briefly. Throughout my visit, we also had many deep conversations which were about Candi's future, mine, my sense of feeling profoundly lost to myself, and much more. We both have lives that lend themselves to needing a special place to share, and thankfully we have that in each other, where we can be authentic and hide nothing, and know we are heard and understood. Such a gift that is! More's the gift in that there is real time invested in prayer for one another, and this time it felt like an immediate answer was offered.</div>
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On the flight back, I open my book back up and begin where I left off. A few pages in I am back deeply involved in it, and then I read a paragraph that utterly shocked me. I stopped reading, put the book down and just couldn't believe it. I picked it up, and there it was, in black and white, and I was NOT imagining it.</div>
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There on the very page I was reading, was mentioned the Lancaster, Pennsylvania Costco I had visited a mere four days earlier. As if that were not enough, that paragraph spoke about a young man with special needs hired by that Costco, finding meaning and worth through work in his community.</div>
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Throughout the book there was never a specific location mentioned in this way, nor was there ever a special needs person mentioned...until this page that I read...four days after being in that exact location...as I am trying to help start a business for employing others with special needs...a couple of weeks after I had, on a whim, enrolled in an online certification course to become a job coach for those with special needs but not thinking at all that it was perhaps an actual direction or call in my life, but simply thinking practically that if I do this even a little I could learn a bit.</div>
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God knows my deepest yearnings to live into a life of purpose, and my great fear that at some point I will look at my life and see I am doing little of any real meaning. Homeschooling and raising my kids has been an incredible ride, more meaningful than I would have ever thought possible. I actually hated the idea of homeschooling and had to talk myself into it. I did so, frankly, because I felt God told me to, and I trusted there was something there for me as well, despite the fact that it was the very last thing I would have ever volunteered to do. That trust paid off, and I ended up finding I had gifts for teaching I had not anticipated or seen before, I learned a lot about myself, and have thoroughly enjoyed every single moment of it, truly.</div>
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In talking my life through with Candi, she has tried to help me begin to view Buckaroos as my next "classroom", rather than feeling like I am peddling backward to begin working as a fast food worker again. While I was gone, I connected with yet another family in our community whose young adult may need a place to belong, grow and learn. We now have three possible employees outside our family who are in need of employment where teaching will happen daily, and where support and encouragement will be on great supply. </div>
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It may not be clear exactly how much involvement I have, nor how other pieces of my life are meant to fall into place. I may feel lost for much longer. But if I am indeed lost, at least I am not alone as I wander. I have a peace about this part of my life now that I haven't had in a couple of years. Details are in scant supply, but I have no doubt now that over time I will be let in on the Great Secret of Phase Four of Cindy LaJoy's life. As long as it feels God guided, I am perfectly fine with letting it all unfold, and now I have that assurance, whether others would feel that way from the experience I had or not. As Dominick and I talked about my Divine 2x4 we both used the same word...infinitesimal. The odds of me reading what I read in that window seat were infinitesimal, and I trust it.</div>
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As for other things, I realize I need to be kinder to myself, for I have quite regular healing of my soul that needs to occur. The work I do is far more painful than others would imagine, and it is indeed work...work to keep my heart soft and pliable when it wants to harden like granite. Work to remain as patient as I can when logic leaves the room and seems like it will never return. Work to believe when others have lost faith in themselves and God's presence.</div>
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A new Cindy is very slowly going to emerge. She has no clue what she looks like yet, who she really is, or how many unique and uncommon places her life will lead her to. She may indeed be lost right now, but she is stronger than ever because she has been well-honed by life, she has a great capacity to love and not allow life to cause her to strike out at others because she has seen the impact of that, worked with it and knows how beautiful it can be when walls come down. She also trusts more than ever, sure...doubting once in awhile because she is human...but walking in a faith that is basically steadfast and certain even when it makes absolutely no sense to others, because she has trusted before and every.single.time it has proven to be the wisest course of action, even when it would not have been her first choice.</div>
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And maybe she will discover that in the years spent helping others "become", she has found the bread crumbs that will direct her toward her new life, that it was really not all just about the kids, but about her as well.</div>
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Hopefully, over time, I will find my way back to me...not the old me who is long gone, but the new me who needs a little encouragement and time to settle in, and has the wisdom to look forward through the windshield and not in the rear view mirror. </div>
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Cindy LaJoyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16486626867331586704noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-55811284749257999512019-07-20T07:31:00.003-06:002019-07-20T07:31:48.238-06:00The Joy of Growth<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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How does one measure growth in a human being?<br /><br />Oh, it can be so easy to see when there is the perfect combination of opportunity and willing participant.<div>
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Our kids have all had such an incredible summer, and it is only half over, but they are maturing in ways that are delightful to witness! Young men and women are slowly emerging from the teens left behind, and if it is even possible I appreciate who they are more than ever before.</div>
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Matt, who is counseling at Rainbow Trail Lutheran Camp has been in contact little due to his responsibilities and schedule, but when he has we have had wonderful conversations of deepening faith, thoughtful care for me, and sharing how he sees how important his role as counselor is. He has participated in two different Vacation Bible School leadership opportunities in New Mexico and Colorado Springs, as well as been on site at Rainbow Trail with a cabin full of kiddos who, surprisingly, are clearly charming him and bringing great depth themselves. He has matured into a far more sensitive and tender man than I ever imagined developing in one with such an analytical tech oriented brain. We will see him today briefly as I pick him up to get him to Grand Junction tomorrow for a flight out as he heads off for his Civil Air Patrol International Exchange trip to The Netherlands, a dream come true for him. </div>
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Josh has been at camp the past two weeks, one as a counselor himself with the littlest ones, and one as a camper. We pick him up today and he will regale us with tales of his adventures, and as usually happens after camp, I anticipate seeing a person emerge from the final circle whose soul has been touched. Our commitment to church camp each and every year for our kids no.matter.what has been integral to them becoming who they are, and we are blessed with a fine staff at La Foret who bring a level of depth that makes a huge difference. Josh has also been maturing in another way this summer, as we see him truly settling into the older teen years. It is hard to describe but some of the angst of the early teens has dissipated, and a new contentment has appeared. He "feels" more like a man to those around him and he has a stronger sense of self. He has continued to generously offer his time and energy as needed at Buckaroos to assist his siblings with the physical tasks they have tackled, and has learned some construction in the process. This sweet, strong, one-of-a-kind young man is so confident (and yet not at all cocky) that he cares not one whit if people see his gentle side, which is so endearing, and has come to a place of feeling safe being all parts of himself. Josh is not at all just the typical teen overly masculine tough guy. Interestingly, as adulthood is drawing nearer, he has no solid career aspirations yet, though some firm ideas of qualities in a job he might like or dislike and he knows he wants to be self-employed. The thing he is most firm about? "I just want a way to make a good living so I can be a great husband and dad and support my family well. I want to be self-employed so I can have the freedom like dad did to be there for us." At 16, to give voice to that heartfelt desire and to let it lead his career choices is far different than many his age, and goes to show that he understands that for him, family will be at the heart of his contentment and will be what grounds him throughout his life. For a child who struggled so mightily with Reactive Attachment Disorder and who multiple therapists said might never make it, those desires for the rootedness a connected family can offer is a validation in a way nothing else can be that we were successful as parents in helping heal his heart.</div>
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Then there is our Buckaroos Crew...Angie, Kenny, Olesya and Billy have stepped up in ways I am not sure we could have envisioned when we began this project, and wow, has it been transformational for each of them! </div>
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There has been so much going on, and so little time to write as we immerse ourselves in the business development process that I realized I hadn't shared since graduation here! Never fear, a lot is happening behind the scenes, and though progress has been slower than hoped due, in large part, to waiting for contractors willing to tackle a small job during their busy season, our entrepreneurs are busy handling many tasks all by themselves, and proving to the world what they can do!</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Billy and Kenny spending 4 hours laying out our countertop, which was more complicated than one might think due to limited space and angles. Thank goodness for those advanced math skills which allowed them to <br />come up with the perfect design.</td></tr>
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Let's see if we can catch you all up! Things are at the stage at our location where it LOOKS like little has happened because it is a bit of a mess, but a LOT is close to coming together. You know that stage in a big project where you question if it is ever going to gel? Yeah...that is what it looks like right now but we know we are just a few steps away from a completed project. Having the kids take the reigns and squeezing as much learning out of this as we can has slowed the progression, but we feel it is worth it, and we will still be opening in under a year from initial "idea on paper", which in our estimation is outstanding consider all that is at play with this. Additionally, the kids will really be able to stand back and see exactly what THEY have accomplished, with help, and have a strong sense of ownership of this next stage of their lives. </div>
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Now seriously, hasn't this been the ultimate homeschooling project?</div>
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HAHAHAHAHAHA!</div>
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The day the oven arrived was a triumphant moment for Kenny, who did all the research, compared specs with the help of Dominick, and ultimately cautiously pulled the trigger on the one we should purchase. His gifts have been honed in areas of research through all of this, and you will never guess how much he saved us...finding a pizza oven liquidator on Ebay who had a MONSTER double stacked conveyor used oven available at a savings, literally of $40k...yes, you read that correctly, a savings. The frugal LaJoys strike again! Haha! If we have passed on any skills, that one we might be most proud of :-)</div>
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Kenny anxiously awaited the arrival of his baby, and getting it in the door was no easy feat! It involved two different types of tow trucks to deliver, drop and lift it in the door. This crated beauty was awesome! We had a little help from our friend Steve, who ended up waiting around all day to offer just a few minutes of help. And, in yet another Divine Coincidence in which we have seen God show up in all kinds of unusual ways around Buckaroos, our tow truck driver was actually a former Dominos Pizza employee who had literally helped in the set up of an oven just like ours at their location a few years ago and had all kinds of helpful hints and encouragement to offer. What are the odds?!?!?! I love how God continues to be revealed to us on a daily basis.</div>
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Here she comes!!</div>
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Oh boy, this is really real now!</div>
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OOOOHHHH!!</div>
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AAAAHHHH!!</div>
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Josh, anxiously skeptical as he watches the oven being unloaded. This thing was enormous and weighed a ton! It was literally slid off the back of a flat bed tow truck, then later lifted up and in the door with the boom of another truck and chains wrapped around it. </div>
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Ingenuity compliments of Dominick :-) </div>
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Waiting for stage two of the oven delivery.</div>
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Along with the physical pieces of pulling all of this together, there have been great opportunities for the development of other skills. They have presented their business plan to potential investors in a two hour long session, answering questions and sharing their vision:</div>
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Billy and Olesya have shown true growth in this area, and I was enormously proud of them as they confidently answered questions, proved they knew their product and plan, and grew a little presentation "muscle". This comes a little easier to Angie and Kenny, but all along the way, we are seeing where the interdependence factor and reliance on the complimentary strengths and weaknesses is going to make all the difference in the world.</div>
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Angie has been working on some unique table tops for our little sitting area, using a wood burner for what is honestly really the first time "for real" on this larger project. I can't wait to show them to everyone once they are stained and sealed, they turned out beautifully! We are already planning another side gig for her with custom wood burning! Hahaha! Only half joking, you know us!</div>
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Billy and Kenny also went on their own to an insurance agent after having visited the first one for comparison with me. They got a quote on commercial general liability insurance as well as worker's comp, asked very detailed questions after being given a course in commercial insurance by myself, and purchased a policy. I even received an email from the agent who was quite impressed and said they had been far more knowledgeable than she had expected for their age and grilled her about the policy coverages! Another win! Not too many 20 year olds who have done that before all on their own!</div>
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Perhaps our most important presentation was this past week, when we had the honor of presenting our plans to Community Options, the local agency in Montrose who provides services to those in our community who have various disabilities and are in need of job coaching, life skills training, etc. Thanks to a connection with Mosaic and Rejoicing Spirits, a group in the neighboring town where we attend church and for whom our church provides a special worship service each month, we were introduced at Community Options and to folks with our local Vocational Rehab. Kenny has volunteered at many worship services and led the service a couple of times, and never knew that effort might lead to such an important connection that opened a door for us!</div>
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We walked into a room unprepared to be at a conference table with seven other people (we thought we were meeting with two others). Kenny led the way, but each of the kids confidently spoke up, sharing what Buckaroos is hoping to do, expressing a desire for partnership, and asking questions to become better educated themselves. This was an area in which Kenny totally shined, but the work put into developing more professional skills with everyone made a big difference. At first, you could tell that we were being given a polite hearing but an uncertain reception initially as there was no real sense of what we might be about. Within about five minutes, you could literally feel the shift in the room as it became very clear we were well prepared, had a vision and a heart for the mission ahead of us, and it was incredibly motivating to all of us to hear the enthusiasm of others in the room, two of whom we had no idea prior that we knew reasonably well, and that we were going to be taken seriously. Wow! This was a REAL business meeting and the kids left feeling pumped up, and that what we are hoping to provide in terms of a unique opportunity for employment for others just like them was going to be well received, and was very needed. We are hopeful this will be a wonderful collaboration, and it certainly served to fuel the coming weeks long hours ahead.</div>
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Sitting there listening, witnessing the fruits of not just almost a year of preparation, but years and years of hard, hard work, I was honestly so moved. No one in the room was fully aware of how very much work has gone into sitting there, how hard the road has been to have someone literally say, "Are you sure you all have disabilities? " because they presented so well. The tears, the years of repeating instructions, of working our way through reading and writing, of practicing public speaking and correcting English and grammar hourly (Literally still!), the painful moments around the table that many of you have read about as we shared, the agonizing moments of realization of limitations, the sheer number of hours spent treating education as a 9-5 job...the heartache of waiting years for the girls to come home, and the battle to win hearts...to sit there as they saw worth in themselves and handled themselves with grace and maturity as they shared their enthusiasm, and to KNOW they are willing to do whatever it takes to make this a success, that they know what hard work and long hours are and have no crazy illusions...<br /><br />There are no words.</div>
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As I write this, we moved on to the next phase, and I am sitting in a REALLY crappy hotel room in Denver as we decided to combine picking Josh up at camp in Colorado Springs with an equipment buying trip, which also made it more real.</div>
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It is hard to believe that less than a year ago we came to this very place with a vague idea to "get our feet wet", and now we are returning with a business name, cool logo, a real plan, a physical space that is close to being completed, a menu, and much more! A lot has happened in that brief few months, and very different crew returned...including the tall one! Haha! A couple of days were spent crafting a starter list of smallwares needed, as the menu were reworked and revised. Billy and Kenny have spent an inordinate amount of time costing out every single item we will sell, and they see quickly how important this sort of background financial work is to ensure success...a step viewed as unnecessary by many budding entrepreneurs who think a great recipe or idea is enough and forge ahead without doing the critical financial analysis pieces. These two make quite a team and LOVE that sort of detail work! </div>
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While the girls and I began gathering many items, Kenny and Billy were taking larger equipment lists and comparing prices versus an online supplier, and scored a heck of a deal on one particular piece we decided to purchase there, negotiating a $900 discount on a floor model!! They did so without our knowledge and came back to us to share the good news and get final group approval, feeling pretty darned proud of themselves :-)</div>
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"Look mom a PURPLE pizza cutter! We HAVE to have it, it is a sign from God!"</div>
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HAHAHAHA! Ok, that might be stretching it a bit but it was cute :-)</div>
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And finally, after 3 1/2 hours of grueling shopping (and in many ways it WAS grueling!), we were ready to check out.</div>
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Kenny whipped out that debit card like a pro, and four enormous boxes and one pizza warming cabinet later, we were done!</div>
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The skills that have come into play even with just this shopping trip can't be overlooked. We practiced interaction with several other adults, financing, planning, working through processes in our heads and creating lists, budgeting, evaluating and comparing prices with 2 different sources to get the best deals, and so much more. Daily I see how real life experiences supported by introductions with more traditional learning make an unbeatable combination for us. And though this doesn't look like "school", it really is far better and real life learning at the next level...this is their trade school, as someone recently told me...this is their junior college! </div>
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Finally, there is this guy:</div>
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After shopping for restaurant supplies, we took Billy for his first ever foray into IKEA, where he found the BILLY bookcase and laughed! Oh, how this young man has completely stolen my heart. Yes, it is still possible to fall in love with yet another kid, and yes I have just as I love his sister dearly. He has conquered many challenges himself in his young life, is one of the hardest workers I have ever met, and feels more like our own kid than just about any other we have ever met (Yes Christi...you too sweetie!) Watching him literally blossom this summer, in a few short weeks, has been a gift to me, and discovering the fantastic brain inside that head has delighted me countless times. </div>
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He is a unique thinker, very different in approach, quick and super bright. He is also one of the kindest, most compassionate people I have met in a very long time. Majoring in Economics at USC, I don't know if he had any idea what an entrepreneur orientation he had! Man, is he made for this! He THINKS like a marketer and business owner to the core! You really can't teach that, you know? My deepest hope is that he walks away from this summer having gained some practical skills, and having learned a lot about himself.</div>
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Billy is a long distance runner, and has spent the past week urging Angie on as she tries running for the first time. Half a mile at a time, cheering her on, going super slow so she can keep up, Billy showed what a great encourager he can be! He has been super patient with Kenny and yet they are both really equals, but many wouldn't be as gracious over those "Kenny Brain Malfunctions" as Billy has been. He is generous with every single thing he has, his time, his snacks, his money. I had no idea when I offered him the internship opportunity in late spring that he would bring such light and humor into our lives, and that I would feel I had adopted another son who I would be very proud to call my own, but he happens to have to great moms already :-) Guess I will have to settle for auntie!</div>
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We have a lot more ahead of us, but soon it will start to feel like we are in the home stretch for opening. Several weeks of hard work ahead as we hope to open in mid-September. We have another surgery in the mix for Kenny in August, but then it is full steam ahead toward the finish line! Hopefully, things will settle down and I will be able to write more frequently to share how we are moving forward. Sometimes there aren't enough hours in the day, but the growth of other humans takes a lot of time, effort and focus! Haha!</div>
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Cindy LaJoyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16486626867331586704noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-68931811119412532762019-06-13T23:56:00.000-06:002019-06-13T23:56:29.964-06:00Graduation Day for Kenny and Angela!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Well, we did it! Kenny and Angela graduated in low key style this past Saturday evening, with a few close friends in attendance. At their request, we kept the celebration small and intimate, and the event was beautiful, connecting, and authentic.</div>
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After a nice meal, we all moved into the living room, where we had a small ceremony, and where I offered a little speech for each of our graduates, and they each spoke as well.</div>
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I will openly admit I started crying before saying a word, and worked hard to hold it together throughout...I was pretty unsuccessful on that front. This wasn't as much about homeschooling as it was about our entire journey together. Trying to keep it short and sweet, there was so much unspoken that we each understood to be beneath it all. I will share here in this far-too-long-blog-post the words each of us spoke through tears, for I was not the only one crying. </div>
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But what were those tears about? Were they shed because school was being left behind? Because kids were growing up? Because of fear of the future?<br /><br />No, not at all!! Those tears that fell for each of us were tears of victory, of success, of gratitude for reaching a goal that was far harder to attain than most would ever truly understand, for it was never guaranteed and they each started so far behind their peers and had so much working against them. And we wept because we love each other so darned much and we made it. This was a celebration of all that has been accomplished despite incredible odds.</div>
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The blog is always in my voice, so I thought it would be nice to allow you to "hear" their voices here for graduation, so here is Kenny's speech:<br />
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<i>Only when one can recognize and accept their limits can they master their abilities. </i><br />
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<i>Of all the great lessons that I have learned from homeschooling, this is the lesson that has impacted me most. Learning and accepting this concept has been the key to my success in homeschooling, and it’s the key for my success in the future. </i><br />
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<i>We live in a world that sells the idea that we can do anything and that by following our passions everything else falls into place. I prolonged my suffering by holding on to a dream that would never come to fruition. I failed to realize all that I had done and all I still had to offer. </i><br />
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<i>In AA they say that acknowledging that you are an alcoholic is half the battle. By acknowledging my disabilities I was able to work with them. </i><br />
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<i>I had forgotten how long it took Mom and I to get answers about what was wrong with my brain. How we bewildered so called experts. Some of them told my Mom that she was expecting too much from me and that I was too slow and impaired to help. While other experts told her that there was nothing really wrong with me. It was frustrating and heart breaking. </i><br />
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<i>The day I finally got my diagnosis of FASD, was a day of celebration because finally we understood what we were dealing with </i><br />
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<i>But over time I have come to blame my diagnosis for limiting me, failing to understand that whether I had or not had that diagnosis my life was already limited. </i><br />
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<i>Some things are not possible no matter how much I wanted them to be. Believing that 2+2 =3 is wrong wether I do or don’t acknowledge it. Buying into my head games and holding on to delusions only serves to hinder me. </i><br />
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<i>It was by getting that diagnosis that aided my Mom to craft an education that has pushed and grown me in all the right areas.</i><br />
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<i>In the last few months I feel like God has been sending me two by fours about this message. Seeing and reading about people that bought into their own delusions and then going on to live lives of constant disappointment and shame. One example is some of the people with FASD on Facebook that keep blaming the world for their problems. They believe that the world needs to bend to them. </i><br />
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<i>The Tao talks about how the strongest and most rigid trees are not the ones that hold firm in a storm, but the trees that are able to bend and yield that make it through the storms. Palm trees </i><br />
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<i>Evolution tells us that it isn’t the smartest or the toughest animal that survives, it’s the animal that adapts the best that survives and thrives. </i><br />
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<i>By accepting my limits I have been able to hone in my abilities. </i><br />
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<i>Last year I gave a sermon about the idea of that God is always More and we are too. </i><br />
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<i>When I accept limits it doesn’t negate that I am still more. No, It’s the opposite. by realizing my capacity in certain areas I am able to explore the more in all the other areas of my life. </i><br />
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<i>I am so thankful to have had my Mom who has been there every step of the way. She has fought the world so it would recognize my impairments and fought me at times to accept them. She has also fought the world to see all that I have to offer and again fought me at times to get me to see my gifts. Thank you for being my second brain, thank you for accommodating and customizing my education in a way that I was able to maximize it, and thank you for cheer leading me when the burdens of life seemed overwhelming. </i><br />
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<i>Albert Einstein said that if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid. A fish excels in water and homeschooling has been my water. </i><br />
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Below is what I shared with Kenny:</div>
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<i>Kenny, </i><i>I don’t know if you remember a day that stands out so clearly in my mind. You were 11 years old and crying in the back seat of the car, frustrated, literally hitting your head and calling yourself “stupid”. We had been through so many specialists, so many tests, so many meetings, and still you couldn’t read. It was in Kazakhstan while briefly doing a test run of homeschooling while we were there adopting the girls that we first caught a glimmer of the profound learning disabilities you had that could no longer be chalked up to mere English language learning. Upon our return, we knew we would give homeschooling a try the following year for you. Demoralized by the end of the year, we found ourselves in that moment, and it was then that I told you regardless of whatever test results we had, regardless of how everyone else wanted to classify you as borderline mentally retarded, I saw the very intelligent boy underneath it all, and I made you a promise, do you remember it? I promised that by the end of high school, you would be reading. How well, I didn’t know, but I just knew there was too much intellect to abandon so quickly, and that it was my job to research and find new strategies, and it was going to be your job to work harder than you ever had in your life.</i></div>
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<i>You know what? We did it, Kenny! Day after day, workbook after workbook, phonics program after program (3 different ones!), we threw our heart and soul into helping you succeed. Matthew, who was already a very good reader by that time, was the most patient, helpful sibling anyone could ever wish for. Sitting at a table alongside FOUR brand new readers was a reflection of his great, silent compassion, for even as your educator I struggled not to grow impatient!!!! And I know each day for you was a long, slow grind. But one morning, three years or so later, there you were, reading fluently, almost as if by magic.</i></div>
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<i>But we know it wasn’t magic, don’t we? It was painful, arduous work and required a faith from both of us that eventually we would see the results of years of sowing seeds.</i></div>
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<i>No one outside your four siblings and I understand what your school years were truly like. They know the emotional suffering that pre-dated the confident, logical young man who leads Bible Study, rattles off obscure historical facts, and can analyze P & L’s like a pro. They were there as witnesses to your enormous growth, they saw your grit first hand, and they know that who you are today almost didn’t happen. I may have been your guide to a new intellectual world, but it was you who said yes and grabbed me by the hand willingly following wherever I led. It was you who rewrote papers over and over again, it was you who tolerated (and still do!) my constant correction of speech and thought, it was you who allowed yourself to be molded and shaped. You did so with a graciousness few of us could ever muster over that great a period of time, and you still do. You never grew angry with me, you never rebelled, you simply knuckled down and got to work.</i></div>
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<i>How I know we all honor your humble spirit, born of necessity, grown in wisdom as you gained more awareness of your needs and gifts, and what it would take to maximize your future possibilities.</i></div>
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<i>The tenacity you have shown in your educational pursuits, which is far more than many more natural students, will serve you well as you begin your life as an entrepreneur. Those seeds sown long ago will bear fruit in ways we likely can not imagine at this moment. You have developed a work ethic second to none, you have honed your logic…something that once was deeply in doubt. You have learned at an earlier age than most that miracles do happen, that independence is a fools errand and interdependence is the sweet spot where everyone thrives, and that hard isn’t bad, hard is just hard. </i></div>
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<i>No one does “hard” better than you, Kenny.</i></div>
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<i>As you begin this next stage of your life, you are once again in a new circumstance, one that will test you, teach you, and if you are doing life right, terrify you. Remember, no one grows from the comfortable seats. </i></div>
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<i>I know the fears for your future are based in a reality few of us can understand, but you need to know that what we see before us is someone who is a thinker, a dreamer, a prophet, a teacher, and so much more. Dream big, Kenny. While no one’s future is limitless, despite what Facebook memes would have us believe, the world is yours to explore, and we all believe in you. Keep reaching, keep being intellectually curious, keep analyzing and researching and writing. </i></div>
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<i>You have a beautiful life to live, one filled with as much hope and possibility as everyone else, as long as you choose to look for it.</i></div>
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<i>Congratulations, to the owner of the single most hard fought for high school diploma ever.</i></div>
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After wiping away tears, and taking a deep breath, our next graduate was up, Angie. Like her mom, she was barely able to speak at first, so moved by finally arriving at this moment. Speaking in public is incredibly hard for her, in fact, she even struggles and has a quavering voice when delivering an oral report in front of just me and the kids for school! So this was a big challenge for her to stand up in front of family and friends and share her intimate thoughts...I was enormously proud of her. Here, from Angie:</div>
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<i>Two years ago, almost to the day, my brother Matthew was giving his high school graduation speech and I remember seating inside the Conway school, filled with emotions and being incredibly amazed by what I was hearing. My heart began to race and it hit me, no way can I stand a chance on moving my audience as much as Matt moved me that day. After his graduation, I began to type down notes, working on my speech, trying to somehow evoke the emotions of my listeners as Matt did in me. Despite my hardest efforts of trying to write my speech years before its due date, I slowly started to erase words, which led to lines, and eventually turned to paragraphs and I was left with nothing. </i></div>
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<i>No speech….just a blank page……</i></div>
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<i>And here I am seating, the night before my graduation day,</i></div>
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<i>……… contemplating what to say.</i></div>
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<i>Do I talk about learning English and my constant battle with articles?</i></div>
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<i>Or </i></div>
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<i>Do I talk about how I grew from absolutely hating books to loving them?</i></div>
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<i>Do I write about learning how to forgive a person who never asked for an apology?</i></div>
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<i>Or </i></div>
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<i>Do I write about learning how to say “I love you” and how to open up yourself to the ones you deeply love?</i></div>
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<i>Or </i></div>
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<i>Do I share how both my sister and I had to be educated on how to live in a family and what it meant to have a family……<br /></i></div>
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<i>All this was taught to me by my parents whom I was privileged to have as teachers, too.<br /></i></div>
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<i>Mom, you especially.<br /></i></div>
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<i>My school which was my home wasn’t ordinary, we didn’t just learn how to add and subtract or how to read and write. We learned that “I don’t know" or “I can’t” were never the right answers no matter to what question life or anyone has asked us. Everyday we learned that character is what mattered the most. Our success was evaluated by our willingness to rise up despite the disability, the challenges, and the roadblocks we faced.<br /></i></div>
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<i>When a child learned to open up and break walls and show affection for the first time in years that was success, when a student worked tirelessly and diligently trying to read but being told he will never be able to do so, and finally the day came and he began to read at his grade level that was success, when everyone told you it was wrong to follow your heart and calling in life just because you might not afford it and might lose your house and live in a trailer, but you did it anyway, that was success… it was all based on WHO WE ARE not the grades that we have received or the trophies we’ve put on our shelves to collect dust.</i></div>
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<i>So as I continue with the next stage in my life, which Buckaroos will be part of, I must always remember and judge my success not by the amount of customers that walk through Buckaroos’ doors and not by the recognition I may receive, but by my ability to rise above my limitations and setbacks in life. </i></div>
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<i>Thank you mom and dad for everything!!!!</i></div>
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We had a hard time getting good photos because we were in the moment, and both of us trying not to cry for the camera! Hahaha!</div>
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Here are the words I offered Angela upon her graduation:</div>
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<i>Angela, t</i><i>he first time I held you was not as a tiny babe, but as a tall 8 year old girl who came purposefully down the steps of the orphanage and walked right into my arms as if you had always belonged there. That confidence is something you continue to exude, along with that same open-hearted smile that invites everyone in. </i></div>
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<i>I have never met a child who was so intuitive, so spirited, and so courageous all rolled up into one. You took the LaJoy name officially when you were eleven years old, but you took my heart many years earlier…and from the pile of letters carefully wrapped and saved, I think the same was true for you with me. Neither of us could have intuited, however, how our lives would grow so lovingly intertwined. What we didn’t know at the time, and would have terrified me if I did, is that I would become not only your mom, but your educator, English Language Learner tutor, special needs instructor, and business mentor. But perhaps what warms my heart the most is that I can look into your 21 year old eyes now, and see not just my daughter, but my dear friend.</i></div>
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<i>Few of us can imagine the leap of faith you and Olesya took. We try, but we fail miserably. Like some sort of kamikaze daredevil, you leapt off a very high cliff with no safety net below. When we pause for a moment to consider it fully, you willingly abandoned all that was familiar with no possibility of return. Leaving your native Kazakhstan, you lost your language, your culture, your friends, your safety, your foods (and boy was THAT a big one!), and even your education, for it soon became apparent that your supposed 5th grade level was inadequate, at best, and we would have to begin at…well…the beginning. Initially, you were deeply disturbed to discover we were dropping you back a couple of grades, but surprisingly, though a totally foreign concept, you were not at all uncomfortable with being educated at home. One brief visit to a public school and you were thrilled to be learning at home, where it felt more similar to the small classes you had in the orphanage.</i></div>
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<i>In time, you began to discover just how much your prior education lacked, as Josh who was five years younger provided you with a baseline for comparison, and it was hard to argue with all you had missed through no fault of your own. Your acceptance of this decision proved early on your inner wisdom and that when you listen to it, you will be guided well. Allowing for this sort of emotional and educational setback provided you with the time and opportunity you needed to learn and grow at your own pace, rather then spend your entire childhood playing catch up. You saw peers struggle in their new families and in school, adoptions fail, and it affirmed for you that the tortoise does indeed win the race. </i></div>
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<i>One would only need to see how you handled your school work to understand who you are at the core. You had only been reading 3 years or so when you tackled a 3 inch thick biography about Gandhi, impressing even me with your tenaciousness as you stopped over and over again to ask me the meanings of new words. Your strong sense of social justice and fairness to all came out on the volleyball court as well, when you stood up to your coach and asked to be taken out of the game so a player who had been unfairly benched all season could have the chance to play. You embody regularly the quote, “Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes,” and that is why it is so obvious to all of us that you will indeed change the lives of those you encounter, and will fight for those who need to be seen in this world. It is a quality I admire greatly in you.</i></div>
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<i>Though a very good student, you are not defined by academics, but instead your soul is firmly defined by your compassion for others, and your incredible honesty. As we often joke, you couldn’t tell a lie to save your life. You don’t even try! Unlike any other person I have ever met, other than perhaps Billy, I have never seen someone stand straight and tall, look you in the eye, and boldly tell the truth even if they know that truth will lead to severe consequences. What a refreshing gift that is to be around!! But your compassionate heart is what I urge you to follow while using that honesty and unwavering voice to speak the truth. This unique combination of admirable traits of yours will make you a force to be reckoned with in the world, and it will make you a voice for the voiceless, something this world is in desperate need of. I told you long ago I saw important things in your future, for only the most courageous can stand up and speak loudly, but only the most compassionate can do so and not remain toughened.</i></div>
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<i>And my dear Ang, if there is one piece of wisdom I can leave you with today, as your mom and your educator, it is to live as Brene Brown suggests, for I believe that for you it will be your greatest challenge, Go forward with “a strong back, a soft front, and a wild heart.” Don’t just maintain your heard earned softness, nurture it, protect it, grow it. That you stand before us today with the ability to love so deeply and openly is a miracle itself. Trust others until proven otherwise, remember the Spirit presence that has been with you since you first drew breath, and feed your soul daily in ways that cleanse you, calm you, and captivate you. Your world is big, your spirit is even bigger. Use your gifts in whatever setting you find yourself in, and you will literally be the light I know you were born to be.</i></div>
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<i>Congratulations, to the child who trusted, and the adult woman whose patience allowed her to earn a truly valid high school diploma. </i></div>
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These two also proceeded to make the day very special for others as well, having written beautiful notes and sending flowers to two of their additional teachers, and honoring Dominick and I with 4 gift cards to various restaurants for a nice meal out! I also received a lovely personalized crystal desk clock with their thanks etched in it. They got gifts for one another as well, with Angie receiving a very special piece of art work from Kenny, crafted by her former art instructor, who rushed it as quickly as she could from what I understand, and it was a portrait of Angie and I!</div>
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<a href="https://www.facebook.com/raynola4444/" target="_blank">Raynola Dominguez</a> has taught the girls for 3 or 4 years and has also been a beautiful presence in their lives in terms of her spirit. Thank you, Raynola, for helping Kenny to give Angie a one of a kind special gift!!</div>
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Then, the kids also thoughtfully included Josh, and along with Olesya presented him with the small gift of a Colorado hoodie with a design he had seen and wanted but was unable to afford. This was to acknowledge his hours and hours of physical labor put in at Buckaroos to help them with the construction phase. </div>
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I love how these kids all love one another so much! I don't know who was taking more pictures, as Matthew was also snapping away feverishly! This day was a high point for the entire family.</div>
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We are doing so much financially to get Buckaroos open that we had little money for any sort of major graduation gift, which they totally understood and did not expect. But we did surprise them with the graduation cookies shown above in the first photo, created by <a href="https://www.facebook.com/MackCanvas/" target="_blank">Mack Canvas & Cookie</a>. This amazing little company started in this couple's kitchen less than a year ago and we are following them on Facebook and learning from their social media posts for future reference. Here is Angie opening up the box and realizing what was inside:</div>
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We also gave each of the kids a photo book containing all my favorite photos taken throughout their life. I was a bad adoptive mommy and never crafted a lifebook for them, so this was it! They each loved it and enjoyed looking at them, I created them while we were in Chicago for two weeks with Kenny for surgery as it was when I could manage that much time alone to spend hours and hours working on them! Kenny also got a small computer bag/briefcase and Angie got a new purse which they both loved. We joked that what they really got for graduation was a pizza oven!! Hahaha!<a href="https://www.facebook.com/MackCanvas/" target="_blank"><br /></a></div>
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The evening ended with a post-graduation birthday party for Matt, who turned 20 years old (What?!?!?! How in the world did he get that old???) on the 12th, and Candi, my best friend, who turns...um...well, her birthday is on the 13th ;-) We haven't actually had Matt around for his birthday for 5 or 6 years, as it always falls on the week he was at Civil Air Patrol Encampment, and now this year he had to return to his summer job as a camp counselor at Rainbow Trail Lutheran Camp so he STILL wasn't home for his birthday! That's ok, he did a little birthday dance with his favorite adopted auntie.</div>
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Though lacking a lot of true pomp and circumstance, the graduation was deeply reflective of who we are. At first, as graduation approached, I was feeling a little melancholy, largely due to what felt like might be lacking...no big gifts, no fancy clothes or meal, no huge party. You know, sometimes social media can make you feel you are lacking in all kinds of ways. But then I look at my family, the abiding love and deep friendship we all feel for one another, the adopted extended family who is such an important part of our life, our church who celebrated our kids a couple weeks earlier, and I shook my head in dismay at what I thought briefly was necessary.<br /><br />We have so much!!! The love we all share, the respect we offer one another, the precious gift of family that we all almost didn't have...who could ask for more? Holding each of my beloved grads close for a long hug after awarding them their diplomas, surrounded by everyone else we love so much, I can't think of a single thing that would have made this day any more special.</div>
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Happy Graduation Angie and Kenny! Go take on the world!!!</div>
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Cindy LaJoyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16486626867331586704noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-59084291582662422602019-06-01T11:34:00.003-06:002019-06-01T11:34:54.905-06:00We're Making Progress! <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Market Research!! HAHAHA!</td></tr>
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Summer is in full swing, school work has been completed, and what was a "class" is now real life! We are having a family dinner for Angie and Kenny for graduation next weekend, but high school already seems far behind them as work for Buckaroos ramps up! Let's take a sneak peek at all that has been going on behind the scenes:<br />
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After finishing the framing and drywall work, waiting for electricians to complete one step of the process, waiting for plumbers to do another step of the process, Angie started painting the kitchen floor...in the dark...with flashlights...because lighting had not yet arrived for the kitchen area.<br />
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Next came painting the ceiling, and masking things off to paint the walls. Who is this tall stranger appearing in our photos? I will explain more below!<br />
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Next came painting, which went quickly and smoothly as the kids have had lots of experience with that particular task!<br />
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The galvanized metal was installed, trim pre-fitted, and as I am writing this Olesya is staining and applying urethane to the trim pieces.<br />
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What a difference THIS made! The installation of two windows at the front of the building will allow daylight to stream through. The eventual installation of a large glass front door will also help, but first we have to bring in our enormous pizza oven which has been sitting in storage while we get a little further along in the process. This suddenly made it all feel real!<br />
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Wow! It looks entirely different and is beginning to feel like we might just make this happen for real!<br />
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Angie was so impressed she had to whip out the camera to take pics!<br />
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And now for the explanation of who this young man is who has joined us...and no, it isn't another adoption. Well, at least not legally ;-) Billy Ashenden is our summer intern and a student at USC. He is studying economics and will be a junior next year. He is staying with us through part of August learning about business start ups and studying all the aspects of business we are teaching the kids. Billy has also struggled with challenges of his own, and understands our mission intimately because of that. We are thrilled to have him with us, and already the poor lad has put in several twelve hour days.<br />
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The son of my best friend, Candi, it honestly feels he is just another LaJoy and it is delightful to have him with us. Matt was teasing about being replaced, saying "He is the taller, whiter, better version of me!" and Billy has moved into Matt's bed while Matt is off on his summer adventures at Rainbow Trail Lutheran Camp, La Foret United Church of Christ summer camp, and then off to the Netherlands toward the end of summer. Here is a quick photo of him as our church sent him off with a blessing last weekend:<br />
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We will see Matt a couple times this summer as he comes home for his siblings' graduation, and then overnight before heading to the Netherlands.<br />
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Aside from progress on the building, there has been an incredible amount of hard work going on behind the scenes.<br />
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These two have spent numerous hours dealing with menu design and costing out each item we will sell. They have worked with percentages and real life numbers that are scary when looking at debt to potential income, labor, and more. The reality of the courage it takes to open a mom and pop business has sunk in even more dramatically, and they are doing an outstanding job! The girls would not be able to do this sort of work, due to math limitations, so they finished up painting and doing more at the store while these two hit the financial pieces hard.<br />
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That doesn't mean that Billy and Kenny aren't also having fun while working so hard. Honestly though, the first photo was posed and they made sure to spread out all the documentation so it looked impressive, and here they are cracking up over that. Honestly though, they ARE using every document here, and they ARE doing the kind of work that, frankly, tanks many businesses if it isn't done. Kenny noted at the pizza show that one of the sessions he attended shocked him, there were at least 70 people in the room who were already owners of pizzerias whose questions and comments led him to understand they had never done food costing or analyzed their menu for contribution to profit for each item. He walked out early saying, "Mom, you and dad have already taught us all that years ago. I don't get how anyone could be in business and not have done that kind of work. No wonder 60% of restaurants fail in the first three years..." and thankfully, that also gave him confidence that we just might be able to make it with Buckaroos, because we are putting in the work to begin with, and are willing to sacrifice a heck of a lot to hopefully find success. If not, they will go down swinging.<br />
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The next step was to check out the competition to learn more. Of COURSE this involved running around to get four pizzas from four different local establishments, and of COURSE we had to try it all! Hahaha!<br />
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It was a good lesson though, as the kids were able to put their pizza knowledge to use. We have studied various cheeses and blends, sauces, learned about the dough making process, etc. This actually changed the direction of our menu as we conversed and analyzed every slice, comparing flavors, crusts, texture, shared what we liked and didn't like. For hands on learners and kids with FASD, talking about something isn't enough, and often parents and teachers don't go far enough to help cement concepts. Yes, though this was fun, this was also very necessary, just like attending the pizza convention was. For people who struggle sometimes with logic, seeing and touching can help create connections. However, using such practices as we are using to accommodate a disability are still just darned good business practices. You check out the competition, you educate yourselves about the industry, you never stop learning and growing in your craft.<br />
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The current step everyone is working on is installing FRP (fiber reinforced plastic panels) to line the kitchen walls with for easy cleaning. Though not pictured, Josh has helped each day with this task as well, and it is a 3-4 day project. Behind Billy is the hood and ansul system for ventilation which will be professionally installed. There is only so much we feel qualified to tackle! <br />
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Next the kids will install flooring, Angie is going to begin working on a special little touch for the shop which I will show later, we need to complete the order of our equipment and figure out cabinetry and countertops. We will begin our real social media presence in about two weeks, and I will share links here for anyone who is interested in following along as we move toward our opening, hopefully in August if all goes well.</div>
Cindy LaJoyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16486626867331586704noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-25166704698710664922019-05-23T22:44:00.003-06:002019-05-23T22:44:48.810-06:00The Wisdom of Tenderness<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<i><b>“To reveal someone’s beauty is to reveal their value by giving them time, attention, and tenderness. To love is not just to do something for them but to reveal to them their own uniqueness, to tell them that they are special and worthy of attention.” </b></i><br />
<i><b> ― Jean Vanier, Becoming Human</b></i><br />
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This past weekend, on a long flight to the east coast, I pulled out my iPad and began to read something I purchased almost a year ago. It was a book comprised of two lectures offered at Harvard University by the recently departed Jean Vanier who founded the L'Arche communities, now numbering 149 throughout the world. L'Arche provides homes and support networks for those with intellectual disabilities, creating community for many who are ostracized by society. What is unique about L'Arche, among many things, is that there is also a focus on how those who are <i>not</i> challenged are changed by living alongside those who are, and how they grow and change while serving others.<br />
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I haven't been moved by anything quite as much in a very long time, and found myself highlighting passage after passage of the most beautiful, profound prose filled with wisdom and truths. There in the digital pages of <i>From Brokenness to Community </i>I saw, perhaps for the first time, an understanding of God as I know God to be, and an explanation of how community heals, and how community reveals. <br />
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It was, unbeknownst to me prior to reading, a parallel in parts to the life I lead here in my own home. <br />
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It speaks to the dream that the kids and I have of the possibility that Buckaroos can be about far more than merely providing pizza and employment, that with care and intentional relationship it might just be about community.<br />
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It is already being lived into, in some small way, through Blue Collar Homeschool's Facebook group, where we try our best to be a place where being real is encouraged, and where our weaknesses are not used against one another.<br />
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Finishing the short read before landing, I understood that God had led me to these words at this time for a purpose. It was one of those encounters with thoughts and ideas that leave you knowing without question that you are being gently molded and shaped, that you are being prepared for what will come though there may be only a vague sense of what that might be...or no clue at all.<br />
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<b><i>"To love someone is not first of all to do things for them, but to reveal to them their beauty and value, to say to them through our attitude: "You are beautiful. You are important. I trust you. You can trust yourself." </i></b><br />
<b><i> - Jean Vanier, From Brokenness to Community</i></b><br />
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I spent time with two different congregations after having read this, preaching at services for one, while their pastor, my dear friend Candi, was present at her other church where she is a part-time pastor. I then joined them later after the service, as they were saying farewell to their retiring and beloved full-time minister after 9 years of walking through life together.<br />
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Witnessing the outpouring of affection for their departing pastor, as well as for one another, was like seeing the above quote come to life before me. There were tears, hugs, and much tenderness which reflected the kind of strong yet compassionate example they have had modeled for them for many years. Both congregations have been guided to see, through the attitude of their ministerial leaders, that they are indeed beautiful communities, they are important in their own ways in their corners of the world. They have been helped to see they can be trusted and can trust themselves to make wise decisions and act in faithful ways. Both congregations have moved from brokenness to healthy communities. Both congregations have made enormous efforts to grow, and to do the work they are each called to do. <br />
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How can I also not see the parallels in my own personal life, living in this family? As our kids rapidly mature, my job as their mom who loves them with all that I am, is NOT to do things for them, it is NOT to make it all easy simply due to disability or their very difficult past lives. Pity helps no one grow. No, my job is to help them learn to trust themselves, to provide them with opportunities to challenge themselves to do extraordinarily difficult things so their confidence develops. It is to remind them of their own beauty, and to show them their value to the world, even when they doubt they have much to offer due to young age or weakness. My job, if I do it well, is to help them accept their shortcomings but not dwell on them, but instead to clearly see their strengths and view them as hope giving.<br />
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But my most important job is to be tender. Oh sure, I can be tough, a taskmaster, and someone who holds firm boundaries. But I have learned through the years that I never, ever have gained anyone's heart by being strong alone. While our kids certainly have needed the security that can come from knowing their parents are solid and capable, that we are no pushovers, the real transformation has come in the moments of deep tenderness and vulnerability...not theirs...mine. <br />
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Broken hearts don't mend easily, and they can't be forced into wholeness. It is only through tenderness that we can see healing occur, and that tenderness leaves us open to be hurt. But the brokenness in us all can indeed be put back together. I know, I have seen it first hand. When we believe in grace, when we are strong through faith and can be our truest selves with one another, when we don't "do for" but instead "walk with", extraordinary things can happen.<br />
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As Josh's shirt says in the photo above, "Live Generously"...and I would add and urge us all to "Live Tenderly" as well.<br />
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Cindy LaJoyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16486626867331586704noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-54303989637733501762019-05-11T16:03:00.002-06:002019-05-11T16:03:50.036-06:00Mother's Day Paradox<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Tomorrow is Mother's Day, and as an adoptive mom who has been online since long before Google and Facebook, I am deeply immersed in social media in ways that are natural, comfortable, and familiar to me. Everything that has mattered to me in my world has come to me through online interaction...my home, most of my vehicles, my best friend, and you might even say my husband despite the fact that our relationship pre-dates the internet as we know it, for he and I met talking on the CB radio when I was 13 years old, so maybe that can be considered the precursor to the internet. At least it was relationship development first without face to face contact. <br />
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Because of the past 20 years lived online in the adoption world, it is inevitable that I will see multiple memes about birth moms as my adoptive mom friends share how grateful they are for the children they have been blessed to parent. Quotes like the one above abound, which speak to the love a birth mom felt for their child, or about the sacrifice they experience in lovingly making an adoption plan and placing their child with others to raise. While I have absolutely no doubt that for many, many birth moms, these sentiments ring quite true, what do you do when that may not be the case for your own child? <br />
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Isn't it presumptive to assume that every birth mom deeply loved their child? Isn't it projecting to assume that in every case, the birth mom felt all we do for the child we have parented all these years?<br />
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I contend that history sometimes tell a different story, that not all children or young adults have a "Fairy-God-Birth-Mother", and we run the risk of being dishonest or causing emotional harm when we contend that birth mothers always loved their children, planned for them to have a better life, and will ache with yearning once their children are no longer with them.<br />
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That sounds pretty, but it just isn't always the case. It can be a dangerous and utterly false narrative that can create great internal conflict for the other members of the adoption triad.<br />
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There are uncaring birth moms, there are birth moms who don't think often about the child they no longer parent, there are birth moms who are addicts and alcoholics who can never pull themselves away from the lure of chemical dependency. There are birth mothers who are emotionally unstable or are mired in mental health issues with few treatment options in foreign lands. Then, there are some who are narcissistic, selfish, and calloused. And sometimes, in rare instances, they are murderers...<br />
<br />Just like there are adoptive moms with the same traits. <br />
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Adopting a child doesn't make you a saint, despite popular opinion. <br />
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Some families know their birth moms, they can present honest information, and sometimes that information is as loving as we always wish it could be. There are birth moms who did make a plan with great intent, they care deeply and work hard at open adoption efforts, they are good and decent women who did, indeed, make the ultimate sacrifice in placing their child for adoption.<br />
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But what about the rest of us, for whom little is known and few facts exist? What about when there is information, and it does not allow for creating a fairy tale of a sacrificial birth mom? How about families, like ours, who have had to spend years and years dealing with the emotional wreckage that birth parents caused...the trauma, neglect, anger, and soul deep pain? What do those sweet Mother's Day memes that acknowledge the birth mom and state falsehoods mean when they really do not apply in our own situation?<br />
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You know what we do?<br />
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We keep parenting, we keep loving, we share with honesty and we cry alongside our children. We don't talk about thoughtfully crafted adoption plans, instead we speak to abandonment, we explain addiction and its hold, and we say we wish we had a better narrative...a sweeter one...to offer.<br />
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And then, you know what else we do?<br />
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We grieve in private, we beg God for grace, and then we offer gratitude for the birth mom, who at the very least, chose to give birth.<br />
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Oh, how grateful we are! Yes, even for the anger often vented at us for years, even for the thousands upon thousands of dollars spent in an effort to repair broken hearts and sometimes broken bodies. We are grateful for the opportunity to watch a child heal and discard the hard, protective shell to reveal their softer, more vulnerable and open selves. We are grateful for the shy smiles that eventually come, for the first time they relax in our arms when being held, and for the years we will have together despite all the years we lost.<br />
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In our case, between all five of our children, we lost 32 years of parenting time with our beloved ones. That shocked me when I added it up recently. Consider that, then tell me there is a rush for any of us to move too quickly through this time in our lives with young adults. Few understand at all that it takes two or three years just to feel like you are REALLY family, and for some of us, that same amount of time to develop English enough where deeper communication can be shared.<br />
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So this Mother's Day, though we acknowledge the reality that is true for our particular circumstances, that we can not necessarily claim the great love of birth moms in each and every case, or that the facts are simply unknown and we can not assign blame nor love, we can always, always be grateful for life, for what we share now as a family, and for all seven of us surviving years without one another. Trust me, Dominick and I were together a looooong time without these awesome people...17 years including marriage and dating. We were as lonely and yearning as they were for the love we knew was missing.<br />
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So, thanks birth moms. No matter how conflicting the truth might be, gratitude is always what I feel when thinking of you, even with hard stories we know a bit about, even with the lack of your own persective or answers to "why". I am grateful for the nine months you carried someone I love so much. I am thankful you gave birth. And, because I am old enough, scarred enough y life myself, and imperfect enough, I may acknowledge the truth, but I have also tried to keep from demonizing you...always. Life is hard, circumstances are sometimes out of our control, and in your cases, I know I can never, ever fully comprehend the sort of poverty that surrounded you, the lack of supports, and the condemnation you may have experienced in a more conservative society if you were pregnant out of wedlock.<br />
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Thinking of you this day...<br />
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Cindy LaJoyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16486626867331586704noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-74772018478094719762019-05-10T23:50:00.000-06:002019-05-10T23:50:38.412-06:00Long Days, Big Dreams<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
As graduation looms, activity is humming at Buckaroos! While we likely will not be able to open as early as we had hoped due to delays with contractors and Kenny's multiple surgeries (another expected this summer sometime), time is marching on and work is progressing.<br />
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Today was a 13 hour day for them, as they completed the drywall work. They have hung all the drywall themselves, installed insulation, but we will be calling in help for the tape and texturing. <br />
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These two have been very generous with their time, bringing their talents to the job site. Today Matt helped with running CAT5 computer cables for the eventual installation of our Point of Sale System, and Josh helped with the drywalling all day. While they are each learning new things, neither one has any reason other than kindness to put in the hours they are putting in on this project. Matt also helped me out this week by writing a program to sync my two laptops so they both have the same information on them. He spent several hours creating it, then setting it up on both the laptops...even driving one down to our liquor store where the internet is far faster than at home so the information could upload more quickly.<br />
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Team LaJoy is more a team than ever, even with everyone pursuing different things. The sharing of skills, the care for one another, the willingness to help without expecting anything in return is something I never could have dreamed of or imagined when they were all young. If I didn't live in the middle of it, I wouldn't believe it. As I have been tackling some of the back end work for Buckaroos, such as working with potential vendors, establishing credit accounts, etc. Olesya has stepped in to help with keeping the house clean and doing more cooking, saying, "I can't do what you are working on, but I can help in other ways so you can have more time to deal with stuff for us..." as she mopped the kitchen floor, cleaned the stove, and much more, freeing me to immerse myself in the minutia that necessarily takes hours upon hours of attention. Angela, who doesn't normally really enjoy physical work has really surprised even herself with all she has done with the construction phase, and she has enjoyed it! This girl is a Drywall Queen, who has also filled trenches, cut concrete blocks, and helped with framing, spending hours and hours in physically demanding work.<br />
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The pride is evident on all their faces as they see Buckaroos beginning to take shape with walls up, plumbing lines in, heating and air installed, and more to come this week. They will eventually be painting the interior and exterior, installing flooring, and more. Along with that, there is still SO much to learn about business in general. We are next going to work on ServSafe Manager training, learning accounting principles, continue growing our marketing skills, and probably a thousand other things.<br />
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Due to lung issues and asthma, I have had to steer clear of the store while this sort of work is going on. Dominick and I are also trying very hard to make space for me in the midst of all of this, to ensure I can bring my very best self to all we are doing, which can be hard when I am finding very little time for any pursuits of my own. But I have started my own little project that I hope to complete in a couple months:<br />
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This is my first larger project, and of course I can only see how lopsided the circle is, how far off my pattern I somehow went, but even with that I am still pleased with how it looks thus far, and am anxious to somehow find time to work on it more. However, I am out of state twice in the next two weeks, and have an enormous list of tasks to tackle for the kids, so this may end up taking me two years, not two months to complete! Hahaha! At least it is started, right?<br />
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In the middle of the hustle and bustle, we celebrated Angie's 21st birthday, and it was sort of the birthday that kept on giving...a week's worth! We had planned to go to the hot springs in Ouray a week after her birthday, but weather was bad so it got pushed back another week. But we did go out for dinner at Chilis, a rare treat for our family, as part of her gift and then had a cake to celebrate. At 21 years old, she has come a long way from the almost 12 year old we brought home from Kazakhstan. She has softened...and yet strengthened, which is hard to explain, but true. Slowly, she is getting to know her real self in a fuller way. This year is bringing much growth, and it is exciting to watch as she embraces adulthood.<br />
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Happy Birthday Sweetie!</div>
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A really bad selfie with Kenny cut off! Haha!</div>
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So much is happening in our lives right now, it is hard not to feel like we are on a speedway! Lots of cramming things in to get done before summer, to try and hit self-imposed deadlines, to prepare for futures. Everything looks and feels different, and there is no firm structure...there can't be. While that is unsettling in some ways, it is also exciting and interesting. Thankfully, the one thing that IS solid and firm is this...the relationships we have with one another, our faith, and the knowledge that despite limitations, we are all going to work extraordinarily hard to make sure we all make it. </div>
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Even Matt is working against his Dysgraphia as he codes, telling me that the program he wrote took longer because he kept having to correct his own spelling mistakes or misplaced numbers as he often does when writing or doing math. Like he said, it just takes longer and you figure it out, fix it, and move on. And that could be said for our entire family...we figure out the work around strategies, fix it, and move on. Though this week has definitely been one of the harder ones I have had in awhile with the kids' brains malfunctioning, and frustration settled in multiple times, remembering what Matt said helps...figure it out, fix it, move on.</div>
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That is happening with just about every single step of the business work right now, as mistakes are made on a regular basis. Instructions are misheard or misunderstood, so we figure it out, fix it, and move on. Memory challenges are showing up in all three kids here and there, but there is nothing we can "fix" about that, so we just try to accommodate, be creative and keep moving forward. So far, I think we are all pleased...it is taking longer but good things are happening alongside the occasional frustration.</div>
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The next few weeks will be even busier, and we will see Buckaroos really start taking shape...lots of excitement to come!</div>
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Cindy LaJoyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16486626867331586704noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-90829956312248662292019-05-07T20:15:00.002-06:002019-05-07T20:15:38.686-06:00Blossoming<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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This past weekend found me unexpectedly reminiscing, as I traveled with all five kids to Colorado Springs to attend camp counselor training for this summer at La Foret, their beloved church camp which has been part of their lives their entire childhood. Kenny had a great idea, and that was to have me take their senior pictures there, where we could take advantage of the beautiful location and the sites of the campground which have such deep meaning for them both. While I was a little uncomfortable saying yes, because I am at best an amateur who enjoys the camera and only occasionally gets a good shot, I was persuaded to do so because they wanted them taken there...so out came the Big Canon DSLR, and after arriving in the afternoon we took off, leaving the others behind at the hotel.<br />
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Oh, we had SO much fun! We went to their favorite places on the grounds, and played around with different angles and settings. Each location brought back memories, as this place and the people they have met there have been instrumental in helping develop a faith that is real and tangible for them. Then, we drove past a particular cabin, one that we always comment on as we drive past each year. The kids said we needed to get out and take a photo there, and oh, how glad I am that we did!<br />
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Prickly Pear holds great meaning for Kenny and I.<br />
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Twelve years ago, Kenny had been home a mere four weeks from Kyrgyzstan, and he was incredibly developmentally delayed. We decided, in all our infinite wisdom, that he should have his first church camp experience with mom along as chaperone! It was crazy, it was bold, it was everything you SHOULDN'T do with an adopted kid home that short amount of time. But we tend to think outside the box and do things differently, trusting our gut, and this felt right. The camp staff gave Kenny and I a cabin all to ourselves, should we need it to have down time. I blogged about that week<a href="http://lajoyfamily.blogspot.com/2007/07/summer-camp-transformations.html" target="_blank"> here.</a><br />
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As I just re-read my post, I realize how much I left out about how difficult it was, but also how looking back it was a place where, thanks to our own cabin and the support of staff, Kenny and I truly bonded as mom and son as I disciplined him, encouraged him, and had some time alone with him in the evenings in the cabin. He also challenged me, whoa boy was that kid self-possessed and "in charge"! <br />
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Looking back, we both remember that time fondly. Who would have thought it would have been the first of 12 (so far!) summers spent at La Foret? Who would have imagined he would return as a counselor for several years? Who would have thought that little imp who desperately demanded attention would eventually mellow out, become far more passive, and turn into the wise scholarly type he is today?<br />
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And who could have possibly known how faith would have carried he and I, in particular, through so much. Through surgery after surgery, through academic challenges well outside the norm, through painful self-realizations, and through ultimately a diagnosis of Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder which would explain so much, and yet with a deeper understanding affirm much of what we had hoped wouldn't be part of his future. Faith helped with acceptance, faith continues to help with hope, faith will always help with the all-too-painful reality that is sometimes so "in your face".<br />
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This thoughtful, brilliant (Yes, he actually is!), tender-hearted, amazing young man graduates high school next month, and is all we ever dreamed he could be and more. No, he may never hold a traditional job, he may never have a "career" in the typical sense, nor will he ever live fully alone unsupported.<br /><br />That doesn't matter, honestly, not at all. And I am not sure my younger self could have ever said that so confidently and believed it.<br /><br />It is an entirely different experience, parenting a child like Kenny, seeing things that concern you, watching the gap in development grow larger, then finding answers you wish were not the truth. But somewhere along the line, you begin to not just accept, but to more easily see beyond to the "more" that is there. Once you have answers, the questions cease to matter anymore, and you can begin to hang on to a new reality which will look unlike the dream every parent has for their child. But you are blessed to then see the whole person before you and grow in appreciation for things that are not about traditional accomplishments or achievements. Honestly, it brings a wholeness to your relationship that can sometimes get hidden beneath worldly celebrations of what success is supposed to look like.<br />
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I have grown so much, right alongside this young man. I have become a far, far more patient woman. I have learned how to teach. I have learned how to problem solve far better than I used to. I have been forced into situations where I had to have more backbone and advocate like I never imagined I could. I have cried buckets of tears, laughed until my tummy ached, and yearned to make it all OK even when I knew I was powerless.<br />
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In many ways, it all began at Prickly Pear, and our week together there with no real outside lifeline. I became more firmly his mom, I asserted myself with this 45 lb fireball, and I know that we had that initial tug-of-war there where he tested his limits without others around to see if I really, really, REALLY could handle him and meant what I said. It was here where our relationship was established in appropriate fashion, and the balance of power was established in a healthy way.<br />
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I later learned that there were bets we wouldn't manage to make it the full week without pulling up stakes and leaving ;-) Kenny and I still laugh over that one, obviously the LaJoy tenacity was under-estimated...in both Kenny AND I!<br />
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As we walked along the labyrinth, through the chapel, and quietly talked, we three felt the connection that comes from a Spirit place, one that required great commitment, openness, and vulnerability. Angie has walked her own incredibly powerful journey which has its own unique touchstones. They just were not present that afternoon in that place, but the three of us have an understanding of how God brought us together, how the Spirit moved in and around us, and how Jesus modeled for us how to be in relationship with one another. <br />
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What will our next Prickly Pear experience be? Will it be Buckaroos that becomes a second home and where new growth and relationship are brought into being? Or is it an entirely unknown place that will become part of our family DNA?<br />
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Whatever comes our way, there can be no doubt that Kenny LaJoy will continue to blossom, just like he did at Prickly Pear all those years ago.<br />
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Cindy LaJoyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16486626867331586704noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-34856767629840685242019-04-27T11:34:00.003-06:002019-04-27T11:41:24.856-06:00Let it Flow<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<b><i>But the muddiest water clears</i></b></div>
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<b><i>And out of stillness</i></b></div>
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- Lao Tzu</div>
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Tao Te Ching</div>
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Verse 15</div>
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Home...Church...Friends...Buckaroos...Mom...homeschooling...surgeries...abilities...disabilities...young adulthood...graduation...Blue Collar Homeschool...LaJoy Educational Services...LaJoy Technology Services...</div>
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Oh, how muddy my life is right now!</div>
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I have described myself as being a Utility Player these days, needing a broad skill base, spreading myself all over the field. It isn't always evident, other than the fact that I am not ever able to live into any sense of routine right now. Our lives have little structure, so much is happening, and I tend to feel very unsettled when life is like this. I handle it well enough, but my heart tends to struggle a lot. </div>
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Interestingly, it isn't because we are shifting into a new normal as kids mature. I have always been able to say "goodbye" to old stages relatively easily as I excitedly reach for what is to come. But the Virgo in me prefers structure, planned adventures, and some semblance of a routine.</div>
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Well, I can kiss that goodbye right now! Hahaha!</div>
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First of all, let me share about Kenny. His second surgery was far less painful than the first one, and was successful! The anesthesia is still having an impact on his brain function, and we have had a couple of episodes of emotional breakdown since coming home as his brain fog gets the best of him and he just wants to feel "normal" again. We are easing him back into functional life. With FASD, the brain just responds differently and for Kenny, the ability to think well is hindered significantly for weeks after surgery. We sort of lose him for awhile, but worse, he loses himself, and that is painful to witness. However, there is great excitement as he can finally eat again!! He lost 10 lbs during the 3 weeks while the tongue flap surgery was mid-process and he could only have liquids, but has gained it all back. All the fistulas (holes) in his palate are now closed, but we now need to work hard on regaining and hopefully improving his speech.</div>
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While were in Chicago, plans changed and we ended up remaining there for 12 days, because it made no sense to come home and return 2 days later for post-op visits. We also had to go a few days prior for a strategy meeting with his team, and were shocked to learn we will have to be traveling back and forth to Shriner's 10-12 more times over the next year and a half to complete all his work. We anticipated 1 or 2 more visits, so this was surprising to us. It also means the next year and a half will be as crazy as the past year and a half has been! He has 1-2 surgeries left for additional bone grafting and implant preparation, and we were informed that his bi-lateral cleft (two clefts) has made his case much more complicated at this stage. He will lose his two top front teeth and will have an implant of three across the top when all is said and done.</div>
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How does one plan for 10-12 trips out of state while trying to manage starting a new business and carry on real life? I guess we will find out.</div>
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Flow like water...</div>
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Buckaroos is moving along slowly but quite nicely. Contractors in our area are very busy so some work has been delayed due to scheduling, but we are utilizing our "in house labor" to the fullest and they are learning a lot! Angie and Olesya, in Kenny's absence, did an extraordinary amount of work helping with concrete, framing, and drywall. Angie would be the first to admit she doesn't normally care much for physical labor, but you'd never know it by the way she has dug in and really worked extremely hard! While never lazy, I think she has surprised herself with the capacity to do a different kind of work :-)</div>
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Olesya has also really taken on a load of physical labor and each of the kids feels an inordinate sense of pride in all they are accomplishing there. Olesya, in particular, is shining in new ways as her organizational strengths are being put to great use, and her confidence has soared. How sweet that has been to witness! She even has gained enough confidence to ask to get her learner's permit and have us teach her to drive, something unfathomable even a year ago! </div>
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One day this year, these three will be able to stand back and see a project that was far larger than they ever imagined tackling, and will feel they can take on the world. All the stress, work, and yes...debt...are worth it to see these three begin to have hope in their future. Together, they are finding they are an unbeatable team, and we are SO glad we have three with FASD who have different strengths and weaknesses and can cover for each other!</div>
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And again...we flow like water...</div>
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And where would we be without Matt and Josh, who so eagerly and willingly come alongside and offer their efforts with great passion and love! Matt has designed a web site complete with a back end management system that was as easy as he could find so that we could take over and handle the day to day changes to it. He integrated a contact management system, listened to us and incorporated ideas, and has spent probably a hundred hours or more trying to learn new tools so he could simplify its structure so that the kids could write blog posts and post them easily themselves. How well he knows their brains! Such thoughtful care, and so much excitement as he revealed it to them in its final form, glee evident on his face!</div>
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Here is their web site, which still needs content added and in a month or two the kids will begin blogging there as we get closer to opening, sharing their hearts and stories, and explaining their efforts to live into their mission which is growing ever more important to them.</div>
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<a href="http://www.buckaroosmontrose.com/" target="_blank">Buckaroos Slices and Scoops</a></div>
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Josh has helped with physical labor of the type that would be too complicated for the three to do on their own. Unpaid, long hours, and with a sweet spirit, this young man is showing up in ways that really matter. He is maturing into an amazingly thoughtful, responsible, lovely human being.</div>
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In between plumbing, electrical, concrete work, framing, drywalling, and more, there have been concerns and phone calls about my mom's failing health, doing a little planning for Kenny and Angie's graduations, and working on my own personal pet project, Blue Collar Homeschool. With graduation upon us, and the growth our Facebook group has experienced, this "little project" has quickly become something far more than I anticipated! Our group now stands at 6100 members, and this year, instead of 17 graduation certificates we sent out 59 to our Blue Collar grads and 59 to their moms as well to celebrate THEIR often unrecognized accomplishment in homeschooling to the end! What a blessing it has been to lift up those who are often less recognized, and to read their notes of gratitude for being noticed. It was a total of 122 certificates we created and sent out this year, including 4 for non-grads who had other accomplishments their families wanted to celebrate. Once again, Team LaJoy stepped up to help.</div>
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There are so many irons in the fire right now, so many tentacles to track, and yet this is not about the glorification of "busy". This is about real life converging in all kinds of exciting ways, which are just requiring a lot of focus right now. Maybe that is what happens when four of your children are a year and four months apart in age and all moving into adulthood at the same time, chasing dreams, straddling independence, some needing more help than others to get there. </div>
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I will admit I am getting lost in the shuffle, I am at times uncertain about where I am headed in the mix, and yet keep trying to remind myself that I can trust God has a "next" in mind for me as well that isn't solely about being a mom. I am being diligent about attending to immediate needs, but sometimes my own needs get pushed aside and I need to be equally as diligent about that. There are many unknowns ahead for me, but lots of lights shining in the distance to lead me where I am best suited. Where that is, who knows?</div>
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But I am doing one thing extremely well right now, thankfully, and that is listening, not forcing, letting the ebb and flow guide me on my daily path. Somehow, through the years, I have managed to learn the value in not setting a firm agenda and letting God move and weave in and through everything, for the outcome is always ten times better than anything I would manage.</div>
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Having worked my way with great intent through the Tao Te Ching with the kids a couple years ago, I find that it is very helpful right now as a reminder of how best to walk my path...</div>
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<b><i>How can a man's life keep its course</i></b></div>
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<b><i>If he will not let it flow?</i></b></div>
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<b><i>Those who flow as life flows know</i></b></div>
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<b><i>They need no other force:</i></b></div>
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<b><i>They feel no wear, they feel no tear,</i></b></div>
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<b><i>They need no mending, no repair.</i></b></div>
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-The Way of Life According to Lao Tzu</div>
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Verse 15 summary</div>
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So I am trying to keep the muddied waters clear by not stirring them too much. I am trying to stay on course by letting The Way (both Christian and Taoist) flow around me, knowing I need not force anything to be OK. I won't pretend I don't feel wear or tear...I do. But far less than I might were I in a different head and heart space. </div>
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My desk overflows, I must return to work and move from contemplation to action. Life is good, God is good, we are blessed.</div>
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Cindy LaJoyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16486626867331586704noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-81827173045264843742019-03-27T05:33:00.002-06:002019-03-27T05:33:19.339-06:00This is Hard<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Over the past 20 years, our family has weathered some pretty tough storms, and as we look forward I am sure we will face many more. But I am going to be completely honest, right now is one of the roughest we have ridden out.<br />
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We have been home three days from Chicago, where Kenny had tongue flap surgery at Shriner's. I have wanted to write a blog post since we were there, but words haven't come, and exhausted has been such that I am simply trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I hope this post doesn't come across as one big Whine Fest, but right now my heart is not in a terrific place.<br />
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The day of surgery, Kenny was actually doing far better than he usually does emotionally. He was calmer, certain of his decision, and ready for the next three weeks to begin. Things went downhill from there. We arrived at 7:00 AM as directed, only to end up waiting for the actual surgery to begin at 3:00 PM. This was torturous, and did nothing to ease his mind. Unlike in years past, specialist after specialist traipsed through his room, asked the same questions, and seemingly had no answers to our questions. We had been given NO information prior to our arrival other than "he will have tongue flap surgery", and we didn't quite know what to expect. It was as if the right hand didn't know what the left hand was doing, and communication between the team felt non-existent, including the surgeon who came in and acted as if they still weren't certain up until that morning that the surgery was even going to happen, as they had consulted with others trying to find an alternative...but of course had never passed that information on to us.<br /><br />I had come armed with xrays from his dentist, as sadly, after his braces came off three weeks ago it was discovered that his top front two teeth will not be able to be saved and are rotted to the point they will have to be removed. He is already missing one tooth on the right, next to these two teeth, and his dentist also said it appears the bone is too weak under those two teeth and he may need additional bone grafting at that location in addition to the bone grafting that will need to be done for the first missing tooth. Now, mind you, Kenny has already had over 12 teeth removed, was born with additional molars and five wisdom teeth. He has already had two painful bone grafts in two different surgeries where they pulled the needed bone from his hip. The original plan was to use cadaver bone this time around for the small spot where his one missing tooth is, but now that plan may change and we still don't know if cadaver bone will be used, or if the larger graft needed now necessitates grafting from the hip again, which is an entirely different level of pain...it takes about a month for the hip to heal. <br />
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I had attempted to call the hospital twice before our arrival and never heard back from anyone, and now, when I tried to ascertain who needed this new information, each person passed the buck to the next person, and no one seemed to know who was going to make decisions around this, nor who needed the xrays and documentation I brought. It was incredibly frustrating, and eventually after talking to no less than 5 or 6 people I was given the card of one of the team members and told I could call this week to find out what was going on after a consultation with the prosthodontist...but no one would likely call me, I would have to chase it down.<br />
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Thankfully, we had Ruby, our pre-op nurse for every single surgery, and she is a gem. She was as frustrated as we were over the scheduling, the obvious lack of communication, and did her best to help.<br />
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Kenny has a childlike quality to him at times, his FASD reflected in his mixed maturity in various settings. Sometimes he is 30 years old, and sometimes he is 10 years old. During stressful times, he reverts to a much younger version of himself as nerves take hold of him and anxiety sets in. He proudly brought and wore his Shriner fez, and he was very much like a young boy showing off a new costume. The staff was very sweet with him, and many made a huge deal over having never worked on a Shriner before, which made him very proud.<br />
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Finally, he was taken back for surgery and it took about 3 hours, where they took a flap cut from the center of his tongue, curled it up and attached it to the roof of his mouth to close his fistula (the hole in the roof of his palate.) It is as awful as it sounds, honestly. This remains attached for 3 weeks, when we return and they release the flap, and it becomes a living tissue "patch". When we had discussed this during his team meeting in the fall, they tried to convince him he should just live with a plastic obturator for the rest of his life, which is essentially sort of like a retainer with the plastic piece against the palate sealing the hole. This is not unheard of, and does keep kids from having to go through this surgery. Kenny has had several attempts at closing his palate and there was too much scar tissue built up to keep trying other methods. Kenny immediately decided he would rather have the surgery for a permanent fix, as he plans on doing a lot of public speaking and wants to sound as natural as possible. He also is very tired of food and liquids escaping through the hole into his sinus cavity, With his memory issues, he also envisioned losing an obturator frequently, and didn't want to have a device to keep track of for the rest of his life...he has a hard enough time keep track of a regular retainer.<br />
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Coming out of surgery and seeing him in post-op was the worst I have ever seen him through all the surgery. There seemed to be confusion about whether he was coming to the ICU or not, for some unknown reason, and he was not hooked up to pain meds initially. He was sobbing as we arrived, (Candi was with us for this surgery, thankfully), in a great deal of pain, was very scared as they left an intubation tube in his nose which he had been specifically told would NOT be there when he woke up, and he couldn't speak, of course. I tried to calm him down as best I could and he asked to write notes and scrawled, "Wasn't worth it" through his pitiful cries. He was thrashing in bed, obviously in very clear emotional and physical distress. Man, I almost lost it. I can't begin to tell you how that hurt, as he was in bed suffering so much pain and confusion. Kenny is not a rookie at surgery, and to have him say that broke my heart into a million pieces. Somehow, I kept it together, and we got the nurses to get him hooked up to pain meds, so that within a couple hours he was calmer and more able to handle the pain.<br />
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This is the reality of surgery for Kenny, and I share this photo to make this real, because he often smiles for photos in hospital beds, leading others to believe it is far easier than it actually is:<br />
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That is a far cry from this post-op photo:<br />
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And he crashed right after taking this. Kenny is the sweetest, kindest young man anyone would ever want to parent. Even as he was in so much distress immediately post-op he kept wrote, "I am sorry" to the nurses and "Thank you". One of the nurses who helped him pre-op phoned me mid-surgery to update me, and spoke for about five minutes about what a delightful teen he was, how she was so glad she got to meet him pre-op and see what his personality was like, and that he was so courteous and quite a kid. He has a gentleness to him that is unusual in young men his age, and again, that childlike quality at moments that is endearing. It makes it harder to see him in pain.<br />
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Kenny had great concern around his breathing the first couple of days. He has never breathed normally through his nose, and with his mouth somewhat blocked by the tongue flap he struggled to breath, though he was getting enough oxygen. It made him very anxious for the first two days, but eventually settled down and he began to understand what his new normal would feel like. <br />
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Home has been a challenge, as with his FASD, anesthesia seems to cause a lack of clarity and greater inability to make good decisions.. If he isn't watched closely, he can be a danger to himself. He is on a full liquid diet, yet in front of everyone tried to grab a banana and eat it...he simply didn't connect that he would choke on it. He isn't capable of managing his pain meds on his own, despite appearing very lucid. He is confused a lot right now, but overall healing is going well.<br />
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He is also in tears as it is frustrating to not eat, to be unable to easily communicate, and to have experienced this insult to his body. Last night as he slowly slurped soup, he started crying out of nowhere, and holding him in my arms I ached to make it all better and yet can't...we just have to muscle through this period of time.<br />
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I reminded him of our family motto, "Hard isn't bad, hard is just hard." and perhaps I need to have this taped to my own forearm as a reminder to myself. This is honestly the hardest time I have had in my own life since Josh first came home with Reactive Attachment Disorder. I have been experiencing enormous swings with my thyroid meds and tests, leaving me emotionally more unstable, menopause is leaving me with sleep issues that are extreme...I am awake no less than 5 times a night, and 7-8 times is not at all out of the norm. I am utterly, thoroughly exhausted and feel like it is a great effort to make it through the day. School is not being attended to the way I want it to be, as there is simply too much going on, thought admittedly my standards are far higher than some. Thankfully, I have these amazing, awesome, terrific, fabulous young adults who work well unsupervised, would never take advantage of a situation, and do their best to help in any way possible and support me. But right now, I have nothing to offer my friends, many of whom I haven't been able to get together with in a long while, I have nothing to offer my faith community, I have nothing to offer to my family at the level of depth I prefer. It is all just in dribs and drabs, doing the best I can to keep upright, and I am doing a pretty crappy job at just about everything.<br />
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As we also have a gazillion things to do to get Buckaroos up and running, and to teach about business, nothing is getting the attention it deserves, especially Dominick, Matt and Josh. I feel horribly about having so little time for them, and honestly, like a total failure right now. Matt will be leaving for the entire summer, pretty much, as he serves as a camp counselor and heads to The Netherlands, and I really treasure our relationship and want to spend some time with him, just chatting, learning what he is working on in school, discussing the deeper things of life he tends to save for conversation just with me. I miss Josh and his bouncy, 16 year old self, and feel like he is getting the short end of the stick right now more than anyone. He is SUCH a man these days, and is helping with the physical work at Buckaroos without complaint and with no reward for himself personally. I want to be present for every moment to say goodbye to the little boy as he gradually is slipping away. Dominick and I are on the fly and rarely have a moment alone right now. Basically, I feel completely disconnected from my own life.<br />
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It has been a long and harrowing year for me, beginning really with this past July and mom's move to the nursing home, getting her place emptied and sold, dealing with paperwork for Medi-Cal and more. I feel like it has been almost non-stop for me, and it is taking a huge toll right now. I am grateful to have the kind of friend I have in Candi, who shows up for the hard stuff. I am grateful to have the support of prayer from people at church who really care. I am grateful to have the faith I have that somehow, I will come through this stage of life intact and that there is indeed an "end" to the current madness of the past several months. And I am beyond grateful to walk through life with the particular family I have, who are actively loving, thoughtful, and hard working individuals and a team like no other.<br />
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We have an unexpectedly longer trip of 10 days to Chicago in a week and a half, where Kenny will see a specialist a few days prior to surgery. His surgeon admitted that we had made the right call on this surgery, as his palate didn't have just one hole, but was "swiss cheese" as she described it once they got in and started working. Now we have to determine what steps are next, how much bone grafting to do, whether the top front teeth will come out during this next surgery, and more. We are up against time as Shriner's only treats until you are 21 years old, and Kenny turns 21 in November. Where we were once told they would finish any uncompleted work, that now appears not to be the case, so there is a sense of urgency around decisions now. Kenny is also extremely upset about having to walk into adulthood with no front teeth for several months as he waits for the process for implants and healing of bone grafting, and that is profoundly upsetting to him. It is highly likely, as his orthodontist told us, that he can not wear any sort of prosthetic during that time. <br />
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We would appreciate any prayers, light, and love sent our way right now. It feels personally to me like the kind of long, slow slog I might not make it through. Oh, I know I can, but it FEELS very, very challenging right now. Too many things going on in too many directions with too much riding on it all financially, emotionally, and more. Too many hearts needing encouragement in my life, and not enough of me to go around. <br />
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This is hard. We LaJoy's "do hard" pretty darned well, but right now it feels almost impossibly heavy.<br />
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Cindy LaJoyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16486626867331586704noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-3708812314654234552019-03-19T21:54:00.000-06:002019-03-19T21:54:43.208-06:00Are We Freaking Out Yet?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Be Still...<br />
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Be Still...<br />
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Be Still...<br />
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Listen, Love, Laugh, Repeat.<br />
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I have never been on a roller coaster quite like this one, and those who have known us for years know we have been on many different coasters. Some have had big dips, fast turns, and flipped us upside down. NONE have blazed right on by the exit and kept going, and going, and going like this has!<br />
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I may not be freaking out yet, but at moments I am wondering how I have managed not to!<br />
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This family is crazy, we knew it all along, but this year is proving it.<br />
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Let's pick up where we last left off, shall we?? Haha!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi09H6c-zLfpZrIrUT-3xytLsMFdzK0RRUhjtv5zygKtt61blqssB0ypUNu2rlqAP-NAfwLbJs1xPVbeHhL0ia4U59bbETglZe3f9Hp0SI89r4rMPG-ZhmxOP7mjqjyVnhqmEA/s1600/IMG_7037.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1024" data-original-width="640" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi09H6c-zLfpZrIrUT-3xytLsMFdzK0RRUhjtv5zygKtt61blqssB0ypUNu2rlqAP-NAfwLbJs1xPVbeHhL0ia4U59bbETglZe3f9Hp0SI89r4rMPG-ZhmxOP7mjqjyVnhqmEA/s400/IMG_7037.JPG" width="250" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Final Braces Appointment!</td></tr>
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Since I last blogged, we have had two kids get braces off (Kenny and Matt), one of those kids learn that, sadly, due to 10 years in braces, malnutrition and a host of other reasons, he was indeed going to lose his two upper front teeth in addition to the one he already lost next to it. This was a real blow for Kenny, who is going to need to get implants but this process will include far more bone grafting than we thought, and walking around for MONTHS without his three upper teeth as grafts heal, then posts are put in and allowed to heal. This is really bothering him, as it would anyone, and the timing couldn't be worse as he is moving toward graduation and the future business while contemplating how he can present well with all of that going on in his mouth.<br />
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Before the post-braces dentist trip and bad news...</div>
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While Olesya, Kenny, Angie and I headed off to California to visit my mom and then head off to Las Vegas for the International Pizza Expo, Josh participated in his final basketball games of the season, and also earned 3rd place for team shooting with his shooting club:<br />
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Matthew was accepted as a camp counselor at TWO different church camps, one for the majority of the summer which is called Rainbow Trail and is associated with our current Lutheran (ELCA) denomination. He had a 45 minute interview and was quite impressed with the level of spiritual questions he was asked and feels it will be a true period of growth for him. He is really enjoying the college aged group our church has put together and is looking forward to being a counselor again at La Foret, his years long summer camp, as well. In between he will be gone 2 1/2 weeks with his amazing trip to The Netherlands through Civil Air Patrol, so everyone is teasing him that we won't see him all summer...which is true!<br />
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On the pizza...<br />
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My mom was not doing well when we visited, but thankfully it sounds as if she has improved considerably. We sat and visited around her, as she wasn't really able to converse with us much as she was on heavy medications and battling a infection. We spent time with Dominick's mom as well, then it was off to Las Vegas for some heavy duty learning for Buckaroos!<br />
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This show was incredible and had everything under the sun we might need! There were 1500 booths, tens of thousands of people, and it was an event like none other.<br />
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There were tons of classes to take to learn about the industry...<br />
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They were eager to get moving as the doors opened!</div>
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We were very fortunate to have Candi join us to help me keep the kids on track and from becoming too overwhelmed. This was business, we had a lot of equipment to look at, pizza products to try, and we needed everyone's heads in the game. With a venue this large Kenny tends to shut down, and having an extra adult brain around helped significantly to keep this a deep and rich learning experience.</div>
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Ready to eat pizza for two solid days! Angie and Kenny were in 7th Heaven!</div>
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We walked, we talked, we ate, we planned, we priced, we got scared, we encouraged to face the fear, we learned and learned and learned...<br />
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Is it ok if I admit that personally, I tried enough samples there to never, ever want to look at pizza again? Even trying to eat the smallest portions, it was pizza...pizza...pizza.<br /><br />And honestly, no, they are not all the same. </div>
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And yes, we came away with real knowledge and preferences.</div>
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Kenny has been our oven researcher spending hours and hours researching the very best options. We were blessed...and I do mean blessed...to find one far better than we could ever afford new on Ebay, which we purchased a couple months ago for 1/3rd the cost and it is ENORMOUS, similar to the one in this photo.</div>
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While there were many wonderful things to come out of this experience, perhaps the single best one was the confidence that was developed in all three. They each attended a class, and returned absolutely shocked at what many of the attendees didn't know about business in general. They explained that they knew basically everything the presenters were trying to teach...like what is your mission and why are you in business, how to do food cost break downs, how to calculate profit and expenses, how to be connected with your customers and develop real relationships with them. As they wandered the show and saw hundreds of business owners, they listened in and realized they knew far more than they had realized, and our months of hard work are paying off. They were able to envision actually running the business far more than they could prior!! I was thanked multiple times for teaching them so well, and the excitement was palpable as they all began to grab hold of Buckaroos as <u style="font-style: italic;">their</u> business. That was worth the price of admission right there!<br />
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We saw some silly things as well...<br />
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Pizza cars...</div>
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Pizza suits!</div>
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Then things got serious the second day, when we were researching our POS (Point of Sale...cash register) system. This was one of the more expensive purchases they would be making, and one of the most important and difficult to consider. It needed to be intuitive to kids for whom tech isn't always intuitive (Olesya is surprisingly quite good at tech!) and for future employees to have as simple and easy a system to operate. We talked with our new friend, Eddie, the salesman for a system called Thr!ve (Yes it is spelled that way!):</div>
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This gentleman was SO helpful and courteous, speaking directly to the kids respectfully, answering their questions, encouraging them to hop on and try it out. Kenny is our most challenged with technology, and this was at the end of Day 1, when he was really admittedly on overload and he said, "Well, if I can manage it now, then that will simulate a bad brain day at work for me!" What do you know, he entered a pretend order with ease! That pretty much sold us! We looked at every other system at the show, perhaps 6 or 7...none of them had the features we were looking for at an affordable price that were as intuitive. We spent the evening discussing the pros and cons of the system, and ultimately decided to return the next day to put a down payment on it. I was enormously proud of Angie for stepping up and asking what they might do for us if we actually put that money down today...did they have any show deals or would they offer us something in return? Just like her dad! And guess what? THEY DID! Haha! She negotiated a $500 discount for a mobile app for our customers! </div>
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We made all kinds of important discoveries and hashed out decisions while we were there, and one was perhaps adding to our menu...an Italian Roast Beef Sandwich! This was DA BOMB!! Oh my gosh, Kenny called me over to sample it, and having had the real deal in Dominick's decidedly Italian-From-Chicago family, there was no doubt, this was the single best most authentic Italian Beef sandwich I had eaten in years! Oh man, it was SO good! Kenny was enjoying it so much their reps asked to take his pic and put it on their Facebook page :-)<br /><br />
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We all needed this...concrete...touching...seeing...tasting...discussing. It changed everything. Kenny, who feels the most inept in the kitchen, came away saying he thought he could actually do this after all! The girls were understanding things on a new level as well. There was such positive energy, so much hope! My heart was full, maybe as full as my tummy was!! HAHA!</div>
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We came home and there was more physical labor to be done. Things are slowly starting to happen, contractors are being lined up; plumbers, electricians, concrete work and more.</div>
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Angie is showing off her handy work...she did the drywall work for two areas!!</div>
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Concrete cutting ready to begin for plumbing lines...</div>
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Tomorrow the kids are going to jack hammer and haul away all the concrete between the lines for a trench for the plumbing...this will be a lot of work!</div>
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No, we are not freaking out yet, but we could be. God has shown up in BIG WAYS this week, which I will share in my next blog post, which actually kept my personal Freak Out at bay, because trust me, it is there, beneath the surface. We are diving in solely on faith. If this works, it will all be worth it but it will tap us for a long time to come. We will keep moving forward and God keeps sending 2x4's every time I get too nervous. When will I learn to trust? It's the hardest thing to do ever.</div>
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Buckaroos is moving along, Matt and Josh are helping in all kinds of ways and doing their thing as well. Life is good. Exhausting, oh man, exhausting...but good.</div>
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Cindy LaJoyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16486626867331586704noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-91072212401352737862019-03-02T10:00:00.002-07:002019-03-02T10:00:58.691-07:00How We Measure Success<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Our family has had a week of nice highlights to share on Facebook, as Josh completed his year long film project, Matt was notified of his acceptance for the International Cadet Exchange Program for Civil Air Patrol where he will be visiting the Netherlands for two and a half weeks this summer, and as Kenny, Olesya and Angela are traveling with me to the International Pizza Expo in Las Vegas in a couple days as they work toward the launch of Buckaroos Slices and Scoops this summer. All Facebook worthy stuff, right?<div>
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But is a photo and an exclamation of a success that the world would recognize as such really what our family views as success? Sure, I guess, but as wonderful as such pronouncements are, they aren't really the kinds of accomplishments that humble us, that touch our hearts, that help us feel we have really, really succeeded at something. I have reflected a lot on this the past couple of days, on the long drive from Colorado to California. When I considered the past twenty years of family building and parenting, the moments that really stood out to me as my personal yardstick for success were not at all the sorts of things that can be simply captured with a photo and a paragraph post on social media. They are too nuanced, too complicated, too ignored by the world to ever be held up by most as the kind of thing that one would share joyfully with others. </div>
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As graduation draws near for Kenny and Angela, I guess it is natural to look back over the long stretch of my life and ask myself how I measure success, and what that actually looks like to me. Someone once told me that Matt must be the one of our five that helps me feel successful as a homeschooler and parent. I scratched my head for awhile over that one, as though I certainly am happy for him and see his hard work paying off, his more traditional accomplishments are not what I would lift up as helping ME feel successful in my work as mom and educator. </div>
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So what <i>do</i> I view as the biggest successes in our lives? Where do I see celebratory accomplishments that are far harder to point toward and explain to others? What matters most to me as our kids mature into adults and we enter a new phase of our lives together?</div>
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Watching Josh this past weekend as he shared his heart and ability to connect with others and feel their pain through his film project was a success beyond all measure for a young man who had Reactive Attachment Disorder!! Being the recipient of his open and easy affection, his ability to overcome the insecurities that still creep in from time to time when he feels alone in the world, or when fall comes around and the inevitable seasonal depression sinks in is perhaps my most important success of all as a mom. This is the child who, without intervention and years of continuing hard work had the most potential to harm others, for RAD is the thing serial killers are made of. Sound extreme when one looks at Josh and sees the softness in his eyes, feels his arms wrapped authentically around them as he enfolds them in one of the best hugs ever? Trust me, this is not hyperbole, nor was it a given that "love will conquer all". His years long rejection when he was young, his fight through the pain of being abandoned, and the trust he has placed in us as his parents was hard earned and the biggest fight of my life...to save his heart, to reawaken his ability to let others closely in. The first three or four years with Josh were the hardest of my life, and preserving my ability to continue to act lovingly in the face of constant hourly rejection was something I never thought I could do. </div>
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He "sees" others and has an affinity for those who are overlooked...people with cognitive disabilities, kids on his teams who are not the super stars, those our culture deem as worth less than others. He befriends them all.</div>
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This weekend, he was held closely by those in his film and he didn't physically push them away. He felt deeply, loved openly, and has a heart filled with compassion and could be described as deeply good. He rejects the standoffishness that other teens show their parents, and instead enthusiastically yells out, "Loves Ya Ma!" as he exits the car at basketball practice, no care at all who hears his declaration of love for me. And man, every single time he does that, I feel successful and I never take that easy declaration for granted. </div>
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That is my yardstick for success.</div>
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With an engineer-like brain and a "close to the vest" heart, this young man concerned me most in areas of spiritual development and warmth. Relying too much on his head and too little on his heart and gut, being a true natural introvert, I have often been concerned that he might have traditional success and be hollow inside. Does that make sense? We all know the type...those analytical kinds who are moved by very little, who become almost robotic in their interactions with others and who can't easily exhibit empathy towards others. There are very, very few people who are allowed to see the real Matt, the softer inner core of the young man just isn't shared openly unless he feels you are really, really worth it. He has always been gentle, funny, and kind with his family but we have worked hard to help him learn to express emotion, to tap his inner feelings, and to develop a healthy spiritual life that he can rely on.</div>
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Success with Matt might look like a pilot's license or certifications and leadership opportunities, and I get that and don't dismiss it. But you want to know what looks like success and makes my heart swell? You may think I am stupid for this, but this really, really mattered to me...it was him chasing camp counselor opportunities. It was him setting aside time to attend a retreat recently as a young adult all of his own doing and choice. It was Matt saying that this weekend, while the entire family was gone, he was going to drive an hour to attend church on Sunday AND he offered to fill in for the girls and teach Sunday school to the little ones AND he is going to remain for a fund raising party afterward. At 19 years old, he is owning his connections and spiritual life in ways neither Dominick nor I would have imagined four or five years ago. Honestly, these are the successes with Matt that bring tears to my eyes. It was standing on the sideline, listening to him speak publicly about the three men who trained him for his pilot's license, to hear the humility in his words, the honor he accorded them, the gratitude he easily expressed. It was the fact that he had an internal mechanism I didn't think we would develop when he was 10 or 12 years old that helped him have heartfelt appreciation for others. It was that he had grown in confidence and public speaking skills when he was terribly quiet and shy as a younger child. He has warmth, and that was hard earned as it was shut down in the orphanage and took years and years to bring out. Being shut off in a room by yourself does that to you. Having no one to love you or hold you and having your bottle propped does that for you.</div>
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And that is my yardstick for success.</div>
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Oh Olesya, you came to us willing to give up all of who you were to be accepted. You never stood up for yourself, for you learned at a young age in the orphanage that you had two ways to go...be the strong one and push your way through, or be left alone by giving in to everyone. Your disabilities had you viewing yourself as far, far "less than" anyone else, and you had virtually no self-esteem...none. Like Matt, you are an introvert and that contributes even more to your previous Wall Flower status.<br /><br />Not anymore!</div>
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Sure, you will always struggle with math and logic, but you are the single most organized person I have ever met! You are standing up for yourself regularly these days, and will say a firm "no" to things that are not of your choosing, something I never thought we'd get you to do. You are seeing strengths in yourself...finally! You are, in many ways, my child who I think will be more of a late bloomer, who is gaining the most confidence through our business development process, and I can't wait to see how Buckaroos impacts you over the next year. It is clear that you will shine as you grab hold of the kitchen there, as you keep Kenny and Angie on track, and as everyone sees your abilities begin to merge organizationally.</div>
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And you hug now, real hugs...not tentative, polite hugs, but settle into you, sigh-as-you-feel-safe-and-loved hugs. You have always had a protective wall around you, have said you never wanted to get married or have kids, and the past year or two we are seeing a new openness to a life you once rejected. Your emotional growth has been far and away an enormous blessing to witness! You set a standard in our family for working diligently on yourself, and it impresses all of us. When you want to change something about yourself, you set about it with great intent and dedication, which means that YOU matter to you, and that matters to me!</div>
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And that is my yardstick for success.</div>
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That you are alive and thriving and overcoming and reading and writing and oh so much more, Kenny LaJoy, is through an enormous amount of work in just about every possible arena. Watching you lead adult Sunday School, listening to you preach, or seeing you read a college level book, all of it is One Big Accomplishment. Probably my work with you has made me feel most like a good educator, for your intellect was unable to be tapped in public school, and you were unable to read at 12 years old, until you and I dug in and said, "Yes, he WILL read!" and put in the hard work to make it happen. That you have tested at Post High School in EVERY category of your annual standardized testing is perhaps the biggest accomplishment ever for both of us, for you were never supposed to be successful in academics.</div>
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But what makes me literally drop to my knees in gratitude is that you are alive, for I know your disabilities have taken a toll on your psyche and at times you have wished you were not present to us. If my encouragement has helped your resilience grow, than I have been successful, for the world needs you and your wit, your easily offered love and affection, your astute insights, and more.</div>
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And that is my yardstick for success.</div>
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We made it, Angie and I. We almost didn't, she almost couldn't trust enough to give love and family a shot. But ultimately, she did. What we both would have missed makes me heartsick to even consider! With a tough exterior and a strength that very likely saved both her and Olesya, Ang needed help to learn she could retain that strength but that it would take even greater courage to allow others in and let her softer side come through. I call out to her tender heart, I ask it to come forth, and she has responded willingly, something I wasn't sure would ever happen.</div>
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Acceptance of certain limitations due to FASD has been hard, figuring out that she really DID have it along with Kenny and Olesya was difficult, but obvious once acceptance settled in. Matching her strength for strength, delighting in her ability to let the Tough Girl slip away, and witnessing the transformation to someone who could embrace all of who she is and not deny enormous parts of herself is pretty intangible, not nearly as Instagram worthy, and is success almost beyond measure, and yet...</div>
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That is the yardstick I measure success by.</div>
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I have had to ask myself the honest question, do I value different things because of the reality of disability and lack of possibility for more traditional successes? Or do we actually "chase" different things due to our values? Does our success look different because we are settling for less and trying to make ourselves feel better about it? Or do we, as a family, reject society's ideas of what success ought to look like? <br /><br />Which comes first, the chicken or the egg?</div>
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It is hard to tell, for we create our own reality, don't we?</div>
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I'd like to think that our values and faith guide us, that we truly look at the world a bit differently, that we live outside the norm a little. I will be the first to admit that I am not that certain of all of this. We are not overly virtuous, we are not completely blind to the fact that we all fall prey to the desire for the things the world elevates. </div>
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Maybe it is just that we feel there is more...MORE to celebrate than JUST the worldly accomplishments, MORE to see beneath the surface than what is easily visible, MORE value to the abstract than the concrete.</div>
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Whatever it is, I think our personal yardstick works for us, and I wouldn't change a thing.</div>
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Cindy LaJoyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16486626867331586704noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-88038874261185392232019-02-28T21:51:00.000-07:002019-02-28T21:54:36.422-07:00Josh's Year Long Film Project!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Have you ever stood on the sidelines and witnessed a moment that will forever shape your child? Have you been surprised to see their spirit revealed to you in a new way? Do you know when THIS is the moment that you will look back on and say, "Oh yes, that was when..."?<br />
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This past weekend Josh had his "debut" as a film maker, when his hour long documentary was presented to the members of the United Congregational Church of Conway, Massachusetts. Working diligently for the past year, during two trips to Conway he interviewed 17 people, asking 18 questions, and compiled 37 hours of footage which was edited down to the final one hour project.<br />
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This young man dreamed up this project when he was a mere 14 years old, and began it a month after turning 15 years old. He completed it just before this past Christmas and the showing for the congregation was scheduled. It quickly grew into an enormous task, far larger than he anticipated. There were times he wanted to quit, much like Matt did when he was attempting to design and build his 3D printer from scratch, and just like Matt, a year later he had muscled through and had a finished product...and a sense of accomplishment that can only come from doing Big Things.<br />
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How he grew and matured through this process!! Dominick and I knew this would be a fairly expensive undertaking, but Josh was at a point where he needed some real one on one attention, and to be challenged by something that interested him. Every young person comes to that point in time where they are living in between childhood and adulthood, and need experiences that respect their budding maturity. He has offered such grace through the years as siblings received more attention due to their special needs, and his patience and kind heart shone through often. It was his time to be invested in more deeply, and to know we had faith in his ability to do something larger than life.<br />
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And he did...<br />
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Homeschooling can be as creative as we want it to be, and as we discussed proceeding with this, we were not at all thinking we had a young Ken Burns on our hands, but we saw an extraordinary opportunity for him that would bring with it learning unlike any other. How many kids can say that at 15 years old they have sat down with 17 people of varying ages and interviewed them, learning how to approach them and bring out key information as you guide the conversation along? It is incredibly practical and a skill he will use someday for sure. He undertook the massive organization of the entire project, from start to finish, which was also a big skill builder. He then had to build a story out of hours of footage, a cohesive narrative told in the voices of others. Then there were the practical skills of learning how to use a camera, editing software, microphones, and more...none of which he had ever worked with prior to starting the documentary.<br />
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Oh yeah, and he did it all having had only 4 hours of film class to start with.<br />
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We LaJoys tend to jump "all in", each and every one of us.<br />
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Josh also had to speak in front of the congregation, who currently gather in their local grammar school library, as their 250 year old church building was destroyed by a freak tornado 2 years ago. This hearty group of about 25 members had just returned after a 3 year mold remediation renovation of their historic building, when the tornado claimed their building permanently. Josh's film was to explore whether "the church" is the building or the people. Of course, he already knew the answer, so really be was illustrating the point, and creating a sort of historical documentation for this church.<br />
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Oh, I know most parents would have considered this pure folly. The cost, the breadth, the lack of experience, it all made no sense. We were also not likely to get a professional production out of it.<br />
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That was never, ever the point. It was all about the process, about tackling something huge that he was invested in, about trusting God was sort of in charge and we just had to say "yes".<br />
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I had no idea what was to be gained, but this weekend I understood.<br />
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Josh's film was about him understanding the power and value of community on a much deeper level, something that has always struck a deep chord in him. It was about having interviewed and having an intimate conversation with an articulate, emotionally open 87 year old gentleman who himself had been a "ward of the state" and two orphans finding common ground across the generations. It was about learning he had the power to move others to tears as he helped shape their understanding of themselves and held up a mirror so they could see their love for one another and their resilience.<br />
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For me, I learned far more about the heart of our precious son...about his emotional intelligence that is often hidden behind the veneer of teenage boy machismo, about his tender soul, about his insight and self-motivation. There are moments we all see our children anew, sometimes we are shattered by what we see, and sometimes, if we are fortunate, we are overwhelmed with emotions that are hard to put to words. It is something far deeper than pride, which is shallow, but perhaps it is akin to awe at what God is doing in someone and that we are gifted with the opportunity to be witnesses up close.<br />
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It was not a professional quality film, there was camera shake and editing mistakes. It was a rookie film, and he may never do another. But sitting there in the dark, watching others who were held in rapt attention, tears streaming in some moments and laughter shared in others, there was no doubt to anyone that this really, really mattered. When the lights came up, some couldn't speak as they were so deeply touched. They began to understand their life together differently, they were able to grieve the loss of the familiar building that many had been married in and counted on being buried in.<br />
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By complete coincidence, the Oscars were held the same day, and the congregation was award individual Oscars for their various roles in the film. Josh was awarded one as well, but he was really rewarded in hugs from many members, and a sense of accomplishment that will never leave him.<br />
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Despite the lack of professional camera skills, we were all surprised at how within moments, any awareness of that dissolved and we were all caught up in the story that was shared. Josh showed a remarkable ability to craft the story in their own words, carefully selecting just the right pieces of interviews, interweaving footage and music artfully. It was said by more than one viewer that it was hard to believe a 15 year old had captured the essence of each person so well, and weaved together their narrative in such a sensitive way. He did a beautiful job.<br />
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It is a great gift when others allow you opportunities to grow and try new things, and we are very grateful to the United Congregational Church of Conway for its cooperation with this effort. Below is the film, should anyone wish to view it.<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/O1mJkhs194g/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/O1mJkhs194g?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></div>
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Who knows where Josh will head in life? It likely won't be film making, but whatever it is, he gained a lot from this experience, and most of it was far more valuable than how to make a film.</div>
Cindy LaJoyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16486626867331586704noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-6497978955217762952019-02-07T15:21:00.000-07:002019-02-07T15:21:09.069-07:00Buckaroos Begins in Earnest!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Buckaroos Slices and Scoops Begins!</div>
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<br />Tearing down walls physically, and metaphorically...</div>
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Oh my, it has been a busy month of behind the scenes work for our Buckaroos crew! There is a lot of learning happened at the kitchen table as we go to "Pizza School" and "Scoop School" by watching training videos from experts in the field. Angie, Kenny, and Olesya are hard at work, and here is a list of all they have accomplished thus far since our last post about their future business:<br />
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1) They have created, edited and finalized an Employee Handbook.<br />
2) They have crafted a full-fledged, detailed Marketing Plan to go along with their Business Plan.<br />
3) They have finalized a Large Equipment List of items to purchase or lease.<br />
4) They are reading and discussing "Leaders Eat Last" by Simon Sinek to learn more about how to become strong managers in their business.<br />
5) They have completed reading and discussing "The 17 Indisputable Laws of Teamwork" by John C. Maxwell.<br />
6) They have been working with a logo designer to create a customized logo.<br />
7) They have met with Matt to have him begin working on creating a web site.<br />
8) They have begun studying profit margins for pizza and ice cream shops, and learned more about price points, food cost calculation, and more.<br />
9) They have invited Josh to be part of their management team once they open, and he happily accepted.<br />
10) Demolition has begun!<br />
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We have space at Dominick's liquor store we are dedicating to Buckaroos, but it needs some alterations. Here are some of the basics that need to be done before we begin cosmetic work:<br />
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1) Tear out a portion of a cinder block wall<br />
2) Build two walls<br />
3) Cut out cinder block for two windows at the front of the store<br />
4) Frame in and install three doors<br />
5) Install drywall<br />
6) Install plastic wall panels<br />
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Thankfully, Matt and Josh have volunteered to help with the construction pieces, and these are the things our family will do, in addition to calling in experts for plumbing, electrical, concrete, glass installation, ventilation, etc. We are trying to save money and do as much as we can, and we will all paint, install tile flooring and apply sealer to other portions, install various decor pieces, install all kitchen equipment, etc.<br />
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Here are some photos of Dominick, Angie, Olesya, and Kenny working on the demolition! It is fun to feel like something is finally happening after months of creative thinking and planning.<br />
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Here we go! Masking off the area to be cut out.</div>
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No turning back now...</div>
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Dads are great for teaching hands on practical skills. Glad I wasn't there and only saw photos afterward, I might have cringed at power tools in their hands, as moms often do :-)</div>
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Olesya doing some initial test drilling.</div>
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Uh oh...guess we are really doing this! HAHAHA!! </div>
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Kenny looks a little wild eyed :-)</div>
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Oh yeah, Angie, you GO GIRL!</div>
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This isn't as easy as we thought it would be...</div>
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In fact, it is hard work!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3dHTmv1uRutTVYm8Qn-U4HrWCJ_0Q_Ny0fQNmA0TFdgyDfchltzHyZrrkcN5TTpB0Iok-bh752r9etGD0fP7zJaZ0qaLyfhIDoJixM9VIQq07BmPTAGzGxiB7VQXHjgWi5lI/s1600/IMG_20190129_190847_Fotor.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="726" data-original-width="594" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3dHTmv1uRutTVYm8Qn-U4HrWCJ_0Q_Ny0fQNmA0TFdgyDfchltzHyZrrkcN5TTpB0Iok-bh752r9etGD0fP7zJaZ0qaLyfhIDoJixM9VIQq07BmPTAGzGxiB7VQXHjgWi5lI/s400/IMG_20190129_190847_Fotor.jpg" width="326" /></a></div>
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Incredibly hard, dirty work!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjk_qsn-wqmGjIS7Ppoh0RyAZOKs4NQqetK2vRVpqIL-0IoxKxnTX0PVsO0_bCbjfEcVoyMvjg6gc8f9fgoAdJ-VZ6pPpcUPiLZzMYVOxWonR2Szs7Go0eoFpOJAUzNcJxZfBs/s1600/IMG_20190130_195747_Fotor.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="761" data-original-width="886" height="342" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjk_qsn-wqmGjIS7Ppoh0RyAZOKs4NQqetK2vRVpqIL-0IoxKxnTX0PVsO0_bCbjfEcVoyMvjg6gc8f9fgoAdJ-VZ6pPpcUPiLZzMYVOxWonR2Szs7Go0eoFpOJAUzNcJxZfBs/s400/IMG_20190130_195747_Fotor.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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And no one is doing it for them, </div>
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when they are done they will be able to stand back and see what is possible with hard work, strong guidance, and a willingness to learn new skills.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrzlodqDciedmMMPVGt1f_3gvWeLC04_lNNWcEaQtRHhVUpmhjsExPZfAsipJZ4JzxKiM_Y7x6tRwAH-Kj3RpAxrcQtOu7iYlKcn7Zrt57-niyMptlGcj2czBnqIxdIYEPQKo/s1600/IMG_20190130_203546_Fotor.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="810" data-original-width="1080" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrzlodqDciedmMMPVGt1f_3gvWeLC04_lNNWcEaQtRHhVUpmhjsExPZfAsipJZ4JzxKiM_Y7x6tRwAH-Kj3RpAxrcQtOu7iYlKcn7Zrt57-niyMptlGcj2czBnqIxdIYEPQKo/s400/IMG_20190130_203546_Fotor.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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It is also a heck of a lot of fun!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWLDiDo2Pp_SsHpnahfPrrKHjxkLISZesUcsF1ndK87hfUssDBuNni-o9wDYRulpjVRdW9gEIeZ1fBQxbUtcKJAdxL9H8-xAE5LTdd99NFltZk9uts6OvZrL4u5JhM15rW1nI/s1600/IMG-0786.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="810" data-original-width="1080" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWLDiDo2Pp_SsHpnahfPrrKHjxkLISZesUcsF1ndK87hfUssDBuNni-o9wDYRulpjVRdW9gEIeZ1fBQxbUtcKJAdxL9H8-xAE5LTdd99NFltZk9uts6OvZrL4u5JhM15rW1nI/s400/IMG-0786.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
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Four nights later, it is DONE. Step one...Check!</div>
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I will be leaving this weekend for a getaway trip before things get really hopping the next three or four months. I will be regrouping, planning next steps, thinking carefully about how best to train our crew, and taking time to breathe...really breathe while I still can. Josh will join me in Massachusetts at the end of my time away where he will be debuting his documentary "We Are the Church" to the United Congregational Church of Conway, and he will be offering a "sermonette" prior to the viewing in which he will share how his project impacted his own faith and understanding of community. He is quite excited about this, as finally his year long project will be revealed to those outside the family.</div>
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I arrive home with Josh, then two days later hop in the car with The Buckaroos Crew and head out to California to visit with and check on grandmas, then return to attend the International Pizza Expo in Las Vegas, where we hope to visit with prospective vendors, explore equipment, attend seminars, and learn a LOT. We return home, and two weeks later Kenny has surgery in Chicago, then three weeks later we return for surgery #2. Oh yeah, in between there, we have wisdom teeth being removed for Josh and Olesya, a final church retreat weekend somewhere in the mix for Olesya and Kenny, a graduation to begin thinking about for Angie and Kenny, and more. Oh yeah, then there is that whole teaching school and helping the kids build a business in the middle :-) I think I had better run for the hills while I can this next week or two!!</div>
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We will keep sharing photos here on our family blog as the project continues, and soon the kids will be writing their own blogs on their business web site, so you can hear all about the project from them!</div>
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Cindy LaJoyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16486626867331586704noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-71992346481678728022019-02-04T19:12:00.000-07:002019-02-04T20:17:29.280-07:00Sometimes I Forget...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZDTN1kuC7VennA7zMrccF74Mhww9tXecfUum1JTc5Q8KhnlupLpF2CpeHhJUllgKD1DmAXXryf7e55GAaNrCrO8BFyW4T8uvo5qwO0vXy19_xeUWrhp3ednuBTHkX0IbhwPU/s1600/Forget-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZDTN1kuC7VennA7zMrccF74Mhww9tXecfUum1JTc5Q8KhnlupLpF2CpeHhJUllgKD1DmAXXryf7e55GAaNrCrO8BFyW4T8uvo5qwO0vXy19_xeUWrhp3ednuBTHkX0IbhwPU/s320/Forget-1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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As the special needs mom of several young adults, my life is not at all what I imagined it would be at 52 years old. Due to infertility, we started our family later, and due to disability we are actively parenting longer. As our kids mature, the differences in our life become more pronounced, and yet oddly, with the passing of time, it has become so normal that it is hard even for me to understand what is actually unusual. It all seems "normal", that is, until I am brought up short by some new awareness...<br />
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Sometimes I forget...</div>
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That most parents with kids who are 19 or 20 are not still having to make sure they are dressed appropriately. They don't have to regularly remind them about hygiene issues from hair brushing to wiping their mouth at the dinner table.</div>
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Sometimes I forget...</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEislwlLvWhQ53R-xhZAlcSZRxh5zv8epxZYi26VAGU2g-26Ahr-Ycq5rhOeNkIHuMCU-e4jaaI3eCJJY9Lj9x09u0YJL9KG1fAWQfvX2b9o18U4uqQoAwlKNUyMgSWozyVJhGc/s1600/IMG_5571.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1475" data-original-width="1600" height="294" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEislwlLvWhQ53R-xhZAlcSZRxh5zv8epxZYi26VAGU2g-26Ahr-Ycq5rhOeNkIHuMCU-e4jaaI3eCJJY9Lj9x09u0YJL9KG1fAWQfvX2b9o18U4uqQoAwlKNUyMgSWozyVJhGc/s320/IMG_5571.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div>
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That most parents haven't had to plan their annual calendars around surgeries year after year, or anticipate other medical needs. I can't imagine having a defining medical moment be merely a broken arm, or that time your child had the chicken pox. </div>
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Sometimes I forget...</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgx3BuCvhgFsM6Ff67NSn7FZGoD1zyboX7xI6VEteNY4JsIMP8-HA6CLKaXGXVmzJ_0LAULn3nLqdLSbIUe46xBn1k6Uuk0zF9XCvwhIoFAqb7ZONq4pBaAFhG20h5c5uWwT2A/s1600/IMG_4522.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgx3BuCvhgFsM6Ff67NSn7FZGoD1zyboX7xI6VEteNY4JsIMP8-HA6CLKaXGXVmzJ_0LAULn3nLqdLSbIUe46xBn1k6Uuk0zF9XCvwhIoFAqb7ZONq4pBaAFhG20h5c5uWwT2A/s320/IMG_4522.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div>
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That most parents have not had to take over their children's entire education because there was not another single option that would keep their child's hearts intact and their hope alive. For the majority of parents, homeschooling is never on the radar, and for the 4% of kids who are homeschooled in the US, it is very often a choice made, not an "option of last resort".</div>
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Sometimes I forget...</div>
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That most parents are not sitting down with their young adult children and having to take over handling their finances, because they can't recall spending their money or track it, and because if it isn't tangible in their hands it is like it is Monopoly money. Then, they look at their bank statement, and they are shocked, scared, and despondent, fearing the reality that they will likely never have the ability to fully handle their personal finances without regular assistance.</div>
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Sometimes I forget...</div>
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That most parents are not trying to help their children re-learn and re-learn certain tasks, over and over again. That they don't have their children stare back at them blankly, saying, "I really don't ever remember that mom, I believe you, but I don't remember it at all."</div>
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Sometimes I forget...</div>
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That most parents don't have to sit before their child who silently stares at them as the clock hands move past five minutes, ten minutes, and much longer because they are in a brain loop and aphasia has kicked in, and words simply do.not.come.out. Patiently, achingly, you wait, and still...nothing. Wheels are turning, but words can not be accessed, and then FINALLY they come, it is with an unusual deliberateness that is not your child's typical presentation at all.</div>
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Sometimes I forget...</div>
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That most parents haven't had to hear the horrific stories of trauma, fear, intentional neglect, and much more that your child endured. They haven't held large quaking bodies in their arms as memories surface, as old hurts are given new life by some seemingly innocuous event. </div>
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Sometimes I forget...</div>
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That most parents aren't terror-stricken many a night as the gnawing concern chews at them when they think of how impossible it will be to provide financially for not one, not two, but three kids they love dearly who may never be able to fully support themselves, and never qualify in America for disability payments (but they sure do in Canada). How will they survive? Can we take out more life insurance? Will they ever earn a real paycheck?</div>
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Sometimes I forget...</div>
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That most parents don't turn to one another on one of the very rare evenings they are out by themselves on a drive an hour from home and one says, "You know, this may seem totally stupid, but whenever we are out by ourselves driving somewhere of any distance, I find myself thinking about what would happen to our kids if we were in a car accident and both of us died." And then your spouse quietly responds, "No, it isn't stupid at all. I always think the very same thing." And you realize you may feel this way the <u>rest of your life</u>, for some of your children will never, ever live without assistance regardless of chronological age, and you say a little prayer that very moment and ask God to please keep you alive as long as possible so your other children, who will eventually step in, have the chance to mature and start their lives solidly before something happens to you. And you think twice before you leave the house together with your spouse and everyone else is home.</div>
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But there is more, thank goodness, there is so much more.</div>
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Sometimes I remember...</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRNnvAquV40rYqDLHAujsHOFLbZug0z-0NakiZjzubEJMyTYRyR6BPsRwO3NIgMsWzGhtsi9Xhpl1sF8nKQFHQAOLXsvW68LAKP1sNX6TwilTB9T8ljyDLLxczQfOp7w2Y8hY/s1600/IMG_5573.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1365" data-original-width="1600" height="272" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRNnvAquV40rYqDLHAujsHOFLbZug0z-0NakiZjzubEJMyTYRyR6BPsRwO3NIgMsWzGhtsi9Xhpl1sF8nKQFHQAOLXsvW68LAKP1sNX6TwilTB9T8ljyDLLxczQfOp7w2Y8hY/s320/IMG_5573.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div>
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That most parents are not trusted to be as intimate a confidante as I have been blessed to be. Our sons and daughters trust me with a depth that can only be borne out of walking through hell and back together, hand in hand, never leaving one another's side.</div>
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Sometimes I remember...</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVcPGVY-6lmLib_kdmGPAAglvBp15pHxHQhAdxJlKwebNgWHGJka981bbRsmtXwPsQXyCXep_CdvPiVOpc0qOfbG1UqHUreox0XddGBqi0fR_K6xOlCzyOvnqFUl3WVqCbLoM/s1600/IMG_20190126_104456.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1440" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVcPGVY-6lmLib_kdmGPAAglvBp15pHxHQhAdxJlKwebNgWHGJka981bbRsmtXwPsQXyCXep_CdvPiVOpc0qOfbG1UqHUreox0XddGBqi0fR_K6xOlCzyOvnqFUl3WVqCbLoM/s320/IMG_20190126_104456.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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That most parents have never witnessed their child ever-so-slowly come to life and soften around the edges. Like a long ignored perennial whose yellowed leaves droop, there is a blossoming that occurs in a child who once belonged to no one, and now is precious to someone. The bud that eventually flowers is sturdier for having withstood the weathering of its early life, and they turn their face eagerly toward the sun, basking in the light that is offered. There is a sacredness in this experience that can not be easily put into words.</div>
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Sometimes I remember...</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiggf5ej2fycGfvqWYS-cQhMPeCiDUrhceiXxo43GREYwRCQiUyKBfvMVNoUx3fRmcWXRuE8Mn7JUDrrMo1A-NHXwANe3RGwpu9lMNLrB0LV4jjgw1dmR0EYAZHCqPYLBWhlJQ/s1600/IMG_6299.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiggf5ej2fycGfvqWYS-cQhMPeCiDUrhceiXxo43GREYwRCQiUyKBfvMVNoUx3fRmcWXRuE8Mn7JUDrrMo1A-NHXwANe3RGwpu9lMNLrB0LV4jjgw1dmR0EYAZHCqPYLBWhlJQ/s400/IMG_6299.jpeg" width="400" /></a></div>
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That most parents, like a perfect artisan dough, are not stretched and kneaded in the same ways we have been. Some parents may not be able to as easily handle being punched down and deflated, only to rise again as a newer, tougher, more durable version of themselves, ready to face the scorching heat of the oven where their outer crust turns a golden brown and protects the soft, tender inner layers. We are heartier, we are firmer, we are leavened.</div>
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Sometimes I remember...</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKqoot5TjGJ-07lxbDE2kHMOh9gBfx1aNNCbhQemmo1k6R12wTcx1eUlxOhH5gVz0sw49xEyRgXftDg-6QVTIbfv_XKN3VwLujvtM3s6ik0z9-4O2jaJ-ASjYoaN1O22UaLdM/s1600/IMG_5859.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKqoot5TjGJ-07lxbDE2kHMOh9gBfx1aNNCbhQemmo1k6R12wTcx1eUlxOhH5gVz0sw49xEyRgXftDg-6QVTIbfv_XKN3VwLujvtM3s6ik0z9-4O2jaJ-ASjYoaN1O22UaLdM/s400/IMG_5859.jpeg" width="300" /></a></div>
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That most parents may begin their "third act" as their kids reach the age ours have, they can reinvent themselves, look forward to a life that is more peaceful, more independent, more carefree. There is no more taxi driving and no more constant correcting. But we get to live into a "third act" that might be far better preparation for our later years, for it will teach us through practical experience and real-life application what "interdependence" in healthy relationships looks and feels like, and we will better be able to accept help from others when the time comes that it is necessary for us.</div>
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Sometimes I remember...</div>
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That I once thought my life would look very differently at this stage. I never imagined the grace that would be offered me daily by my beloved ones as I, too, try and navigate a combined world of ability and disability. I never imagined a love so overwhelming and powerful that would be shown to me so openly and appreciatively every single day. I never imagined the gratification of relationships that allow for joint ventures and holding hands as we dive into the deep end and must sink or swim...together...as adults.<br />
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Oh, sometimes I forget that our "normal" really isn't what others would view as normal. </div>
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Aren't I fortunate?</div>
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Cindy LaJoyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16486626867331586704noreply@blogger.com1