Happy Birthday Joshua!

Sometime in late January 12 years ago, an infant was abandoned behind a building in Uralsk, Kazakhstan.  Left in the bitter cold, his cries alerted a passerby, and he was found and brought to safety.  A police officer or social worker named him and assigned this anonymous child a birth date of December 26th.  He was passed from maternity hospital to orphanage, where he was still relatively anonymous and just "another baby" to be wiped and diapered.

In November 2003, Joshua Aaron LaJoy was anonymous no more.  He became The Beloved Child of Dominick and Cindy LaJoy, and the dearly treasured brother of Matthew, and eventually Kenny, Angela and Olesya.  More than any of our children, Joshie has suffered and endured the incredible emotional loss of abandonment and knowing that no one wanted him.  He has heard thoughtless strangers ask if he was "one of those kids thrown away in a trash can".  He has fought and won a battle to allow others to hold him and love him, and now seeks comfort and nestles within the arms of his parents easily, willingly, joyfully.

You were so beautiful, Joshua...so very beautiful to me.

On this, the day we celebrate his birth, and though we know someone didn't want him, I can't IMAGINE my life without Joshua...his inquisitive nature, his heart, his beautiful smile.

Today he stands before us a strong, healthy 12 year old young man on the brink of teenage exploration.  He has always been our wise little old man, a 50 year old in an elementary aged boy's body.  He is a contrast in so many ways.  How many then 11 year olds would want to read (and truly enjoy) the Notebook with their sisters?  How many could accurately label themselves and consistently articulate a political mindset as a 9 or 10 year old as well as my little Libertarian leaning young son does?  How many 12 year old boys would beg for anything Frozen and gleefully thank you for giving them an Olaf stuffed animal for Christmas?  How many then 11 year olds would so responsibly set their own alarm to awaken at 4:00 AM, shower, and be ready waiting for their dad to take them to work for four hours each Saturday morning for four months straight...and never once over sleep or need an adult to nudge them into getting moving?

I have loved every single stage with you, Josh!

This year was the year for him...the year his body began the process of changing from boy to man.  3 pant sizes and one barrel chest later, no longer do I feel I am holding my little boy, but instead feel that the roles have been reversed and that I am being held by my young man.  The deepened voice singing Jingle Bells all year long (Ugh!! Haha!), the shoe size larger than Kenny's, and the need for daily use of Strydex all signal the end of my parenting younger children, as Josh steps firmly into the next phase.

It took me about three years to be able to have Josh accept my touch, so damaged was he by the Original Loss of being abandoned by his birth mom.  But when he did finally give in and accept the love offered, he fully embraced it and we made up for lost time...and continue to do so.  There are no words to express what it feels like, even this past Sunday in church to have his head rest upon my shoulder as he lovingly reaches out in ways to physically connect to me.  We both almost missed that, and we will forever treasure our ability to love one another fully and without reservation, because it signals a healing that quite literally might not have happened had we both not hung in there with one another.  Joshua, I will never tire of your hugs, or your reaching out to hold my hand.  I know we have already begun the years long transition that will see our roles reverse from me taking care of you, to you taking care of me.  That we can both rest in the knowledge that each will always be there for one another is a victory unlike any other in my life, and in yours.

My sweet boy, how I love you!  Daily, you amaze me, as you easily keep up with your siblings in school and often challenge them to think differently.  Hearing you play superheroes out on the trampoline, I wonder how much longer you will have one foot planted in childhood when the rest of you is racing so quickly toward adulthood.  How I will one day miss hearing your sound effects!! Haha!

You wanted to marry Mommy!

Already, I know I will have to craft a different sort of path for you for high school, as this sixth grade year has you gaining high school credit in classes like US Government (And boy, do you know your government!) and you begin Algebra 1.  Secretly, I look forward to that last year or two of school with you, where my "caboose" and I can study anything we want and sit side by side reading and thinking together, just as Matthew and I get the privilege of doing right now.  Your volunteering at the library has you bringing home stacks and stacks of books to read or flip through, as you love visual encyclopedias of any sort.  Your future is wide open to you, filled with possibilities, and lately you have seriously discussed the possibility of being a fireman or EMT, career choices that would make so much sense for you as you are not easily rattled and have an inordinate amount of common sense and the ability to handle...um...shall we say "gore" that others can not...and besides, everyone knows all fireman are adorably handsome, that would fit you to a "T"!! :-)

My tender hearted son, how I love you with all my heart!  You have changed my life and who I am in so many ways, and I am so grateful that God brought us together.  You are my youngest child, my "baby", and you will always be that to me even when you are 6 feet tall and towering over me!  I eagerly look forward to watching you continue to blossom into full manhood, and to accompany you as you move toward your future.  You bring me great joy, Josh, and I love nothing more than to spending time with you...and I always will look forward to the little things you email me :-)

The coming year will have you settling into this new stage of life, and you will begin to understand things about yourself and about the world around you.  You will have many new insights as awareness grows, and I have no doubt you will continue to shower everyone around you with your gentle and giving spirit.  Happy birthday, my sweet son...my little guy...me dear Joshie.  I love you more than all the stars in the galaxy, and all the grains of sand on the beach :-) Beat you to it!  Biggest, longest hugs to you, my amazing Super Hero!

Christmas is a Feeling

The older I become, the more I rebel against the holiday season.  Don't get me wrong, it is not at all in a "bah humbug" sort of rebellion, but instead is a rejection of the accepted cultural norms that are shoved down our throats from oh, let's say, about mid-August, until December 25th.

How can one not suffer a case of Holiday Burnout when we are told for over four months what that holiday experience ought to look like, how much we ought to spend, what we ought to create in the kitchen, and who must be present?  There is an unrealistic expectation established for us that would challenge even a Normal Rockwell representation of what the Christmas Season should be like.

Moving beyond the Santa Stage with the kids has only heightened this awareness, and in some way, I think our entire family has silently agreed to gradually shift our thinking about what our Christmas should like.  I am speaking more at home about Advent, about the religious meaning for the season, and about toning down the expectations and frenzied activity so that we can enter into the parts of the season that mean the most, and reject anything that doesn't have real meaning around it all.

It has led to one of the most relaxed and warm hearted Christmases we have yet to experience, and will forever guide our future holidays.

We are not one of the fortunate financially fit families who has a large happy extended family nearby and the understanding that Christmas Eve and Day will be spent surrounded by relatives with a laden table and a package packed living room with a tree that is barely visible peeking out from behind those beautifully wrapped, carefully selected gifts.

We have never gone "home for the holidays" because work intervenes, and "home" is really where the seven of us are, anyway.  God has been good to us in offering us the bonds of friendships that are really more our "framily", a blessed combination of friends and family that replace what we don't have in our lives...a network of adopted surrogate aunties, uncles and grandparents from church who fill in the gap, and create a sense of extended family that helps us feel whole.

Christmas is not about what others think it ought to be, it is about what brings meaning into your lives, it is about being reminded that over 2000 years ago, for  those of the Christian tradition, God became flesh among us in the form of a child and we were taught a little more about the meaning of love.  It is about recognizing the humanity that exists within every one of us, it is about intentionally reaching out to acknowledge that connectedness between one human being and another.  What does that have to do with racking up a credit card bill that will break the bank, or with the perfection with which we must present our families to the world on Instagram or Facebook?

Our family is not perfect, but it is connected to a degree that fills me with great joy.  Our family will not have matching Christmas PJ's accompanied by professional portraiture, it will not have presents piled high, it will not have the "ooooh and aaaaah" worthy gasping over a lovely table setting.

Our family will have one moderately priced gift each from mom and dad, and a couple of smaller shared family items, which will probably take a grand total of 10 minutes for all to open for 7 people.  Our family will have stockings in which the only items they are filled with are small candies, for we don't have the financial ability to fill them to the brim with "real" gifts as well.  Our family will not have relatives visiting, or a grand turkey or ham displayed with all the trimmings.  In fact, our entire family will be heading off to work Christmas morning, spending the day at the airport serving travelers.  All of the above might not lend one to thinking we will have a very happy holiday, and oh how wrong they would be!!

What we have received instead this Christmas has been the sort of things the holiday really ought to be about...we have been given the gift of presence, as a couple of friends will spend Mexican Fiesta Christmas Eve dinner with us for the second year in a row prior to heading to church...and a tradition is being built.  We will spend tonight at a candle light service at church, which every single one of us loves.  We have been given the gift of music in multiple ways, as we sang and enjoyed the singing of others multiple times during Advent.  We have done something as small as walking down Main Street in the dark sipping hot chocolate, and somehow, that became a little about Christmas, too.  We have been offered the gift of long standing tradition and love from our adopted Grandpa, who once again allowed us to help him usher in the holiday season as we decorated his tree for the 5th or 6th year in a row.  Because of the intentional efforts to tone it all down, I have personally received the gift of less stress, which has been so lovely.  We have baked together, wrapped together, hung lights together in an extravaganza that Kenny and Matthew improve upon each year with great enthusiasm and planning.

But perhaps the single most important moment came last night, after having pulled our traditional 12 Days of Christmas Secret Santa prank.  For the past 12 days, we have driven across town to anonymously drop off a little gag gift by playing "Ding Dong Ditch" and running away.  For 12 days, we have thought about a couple who is going through a very challenging time in their lives with an unsuccessful back surgery which requires yet another surgery after the new year.  We have giggled about surprising them, prayed for them, and hoped we could brighten their very stressful and difficult Christmas this year.  Last night was the Big Reveal, as we visited for the 12th and final night of our prank, and offered them a small plate of goodies and some hugs.

How can I possibly share with you all the ways in which that very moment made it Christmas for our entire family?  How can I begin to express that I wish each and every person could, for a moment, enter into that experience with us?  Christmas is NOT NOT NOT about pretty paper and expensive gifts!!! Christmas is about the tears streaming down someone's face as they felt loved in a way that touched them so deeply, it is about the hanging on for dear life as someone wants desperately for you to know just how much what you did mattered to them.  Christmas is looking into someone's eyes and saying, "I love you, and I am so grateful you are in my life." and knowing that, even if only briefly, you have made a difference to someone.

As we all piled back in the van after our brief visit, everyone was silent for a few minutes, moved beyond words by the depth of emotion we had just experienced.  Then Matthew spoke up and said, "Did you see them crying like that?  I think that was Christmas for me.  I didn't know it would matter so much to them.  This was the best time we have ever done this and I am really glad we did it."  and the conversation began about how Christmas should never be about the "ought to do's" but instead should be more about the "want to do's", and connecting heart to heart...

So many good things have happened the past couple of months, nourishing us after a long and somewhat difficult year, and filling us as we head into yet another difficult one that is ahead as we face surgery and healing, financial challenges and uncertainty galore.  We have had the absolute joy of knowing that Emir, Kenny's long prayed for friend from his orphanage, along with another friend named Tilek, are finally, FINALLY legally adopted and will be coming to their new home in January!  Something feels "finished" for me with that, and is allowing me peace as we know that all 3 of Kenny's closest friends from his childhood now have families and are safe from harm.

The girls are developing a new long distance friendship with a young woman named Kamala who is teaching them Russian via Skype from Kyrgyzstan The giggles heard every Tuesday and Thursday night, along with the enthusiasm with which they are hitting the Russian book reflect how successful and meaningful this venture will be, and Dominick and I have the added bonus of knowing we will be helping Kamala financially to move into her own future.

After a lengthy interview process Matthew has been awarded a key leadership position assisting at the annual Civil Air Patrol Encampment at Colorado Springs, which will give him such incentive to work toward healing after his upcoming back surgery in February.  What a blessing that this came along just when he most needed the encouragement and something to look forward to!

There has also been great joy in watching Joshua blossom into a man.  There are no two ways around it, he is no longer a child and is in every way a responsible, caring, thoughtful, strong young man who may still play imaginary super heroes and love stuffed animals, but has one foot planted firmly in adulthood these days.  He is just a couple of days away from turning 12, but already I have that sense of security and safety when I am with him, just as I began to feel around Matthew when he was this age.  The man that is emerging is going to be stable and strong, and he still loves to be held and cuddle with his mom...what more could I wish for?

Kenny is beginning his life anew, and exploring many things about himself this year.  The joy there is that he is so fearless in self-examination, and he allows me to be part of the process with him.  Believe me, there is no deeper boy than Kenny LaJoy, and it is a complete privilege to be privy to the thoughts that he shares with me.  Full of heart, and such an acceptance of all that he struggles with, our journey with him is far from over, but is rich and full in ways that one might never imagine if they only looked at test results on paper.

Dominick has found the joy in quietly doing what he has done for years and yet is paid little notice of ...nurturing along men in his employ who very often would never have a chance anywhere else to repair themselves and turn into good, solid workers.  The past year he has seen 2 or 3 of his former employees move toward better and more stable employment after a stint with him in which he encouraged them to have a better work ethic, and patiently explained the expectations of all employers.  So many of his employees the past few years have been men re-entering the work force after time in prison, or very young men who have no skills, and have built families without making commitments.  Day by day, as he works alongside them washing cars or making sandwiches, he shares with them what his own life is like, and without judgment talks about the need to be there for your family, to "own your mistakes" and make amends, to work harder than you ever might think in order to get ahead.  The gift of acceptance, patience and nurturing he offers these men is a ministry all of its own, and one that is always going unacknowledged.  He has had the joy of seeing success with some of them this year, and that is a gift itself.

As for me, I have very little need for materials things, but a great need for relationships, and that need was met in astounding ways this year.  The feeling of Christmas might have lasted all year for me, as I have had the greatest blessing of all in having old relationships deepen in profound ways as friendships that were lived into more on the surface level took plunges that were very meaningful and are a light in my life.  The sustaining love and care that my friends here have brought me has made all the difference in my life, and I hope I have well enough articulated that to each and every one of them.

But my greatest Christmas gift this year will be a bit late, as I will travel in mid-January to Massachusetts to meet a new friend in person for the first time.  Through the adoption world, I have often met people in person after years of developing an online friendship that centers around our shared experiences with our kids, and every single time I have been delighted and never been disappointed.  This is different, however, as this friendship has developed via the connection intentionally made for me by another dear friend of mine and was literally brought to me on a silver platter as she said, "See?  I have something here for you...I think you'll like it!!", and as the dome was lifted, there was someone who seemed to have been almost custom made just for me. That my dear Miss Mary recognized that God was speaking to her about this will forever be something I am incredibly grateful for.  This friendship has quickly taken up space in my heart and life in a way that is all about me being me...not about shared challenges and kids and homeschooling and adoption journeys.  It is a friendship of a depth and richness I have never experienced before, and at a time of great general struggle in my life, God has met me in the form of my new friend.  It has been years and years (indeed, perhaps never!) since I have developed a friendship of any sort that is not about being a mom, but allowed me to be fully Cindy.  I am so glad that I have "intensely practiced" long distance connecting for so many years, as that has made it incredibly easy to be very real quickly with Candi, and we have been able to enjoy a level of depth many can't easily enter into at a distance because of it.  Dominick and the kids have encouraged me to explore this, and have given me time and space to do so, which is truly their gift to me this year.  I will spend 7 days being "Cindy" in January, not Mom, not Wife, not Homeschooler, not Adoptive Mommy Friend...just me.  I already feel incredibly spoiled, and it is with great anticipation and delight that I look forward to my Christmas gift of friendship coming in mid-January.

Christmas really is a feeling, something we often tend to overlook as we make Christmas into something it never should be...my wish for you all is that today and tomorrow, as you go about your various holiday activities, you have somehow been able to find a way to tap that feeling that is Christ in the world.  Maybe it is in church this evening as a candle is being lit from one person to another, symbolizing the connectedness of Spirit.  Maybe it is in the laughter and enthusiastic squeals of your children as they open that gift they always wanted.  Maybe it is in the glance at your spouse as they look over your children's heads and give you that knowing look and grin.  Maybe you find that Christmas feeling around the table as you all hold hands and give thanks.  Maybe you won't have any of these things this year, but a stranger will touch your heart somehow.

Or maybe...maybe...you will find that feeling inside yourself, as you contemplate all the blessings in your life, no matter how big or small.  Maybe you can hear God speak to you this day, telling you, "All is well, my Beloved, All is well."

May your lives be filled with all that is meaningful this holiday.  May you be satisfied with all you have.  May you yearn for nothing that really matters.  Amen.

With love, from All of Us to All of You, Team LaJoy wishes you the loveliest of holidays!

Everyone volunteering at the Food Bank!

Ice skating yesterday...on Christmas Eve Eve! Haha!

All My Menfolk...

Oops!

Our Twins wishing you Merry Christmas!

Thanksgiving Catch Up!

It has been awhile...too long in fact.  I haven't blogged in 25 days, that has to be a record for me and hopefully not one I will repeat again.  I have missed you, but have been engaged in other ways as a new friendship has entered my life and I have been taking the time to attend to it, nurture it, and watch it blossom in extraordinarily wonderful and unexpected ways.  My evening writing time has been taken up with hours long phone calls, and lengthy emails.  While the blog has suffered, I certainly have not, and this Thanksgiving I am especially thankful for God's care for me in this way.

Friendships matter, and I have been blessed with particularly rich friendships in the second half of my life.  I spent the first half of my life devoid of real friendship, and now I value each and every person who enters my life so much, and I am more willing to put in the effort that a truly strong friendship requires.  This time spent in a personal "retreat" of sorts has been fruitful in ways seldom experienced, and already I can see how I have grown from it.

So what has happened over the course of the past 3 weeks or so?  One big thing is that we now have a newly minted 16 year old in Kenny!  We celebrated Kenny's birthday last weekend, in a low key but very special way.  Here's our birthday boy:

Big changes this past year for Kenny, as he has matured so much and grown into himself in many ways.  It is a big change from the little 8 year old we brought home 8 years ago:

This was taken in our first couple of hours with Kenny...that same softness seen in his eyes is still very much present today.

For our 16th birthday tradition, we let Kenny pick out where he would like to go to dinner, which for our family is a special treat to actually eat out at a real restaurant.  Kenny selected the Olive Garden, which for those who know Kenny and his appetite would be no surprise with unlimited soup, salad and bread sticks! Haha!  Kenny then anxiously opened up his gifts from us.  Here is what he found:

Kenny got a new dress watch from a real jewelry store :-)  He loved it!

Then, a special little gift:

This one needs some explanation.  Kenny had spoken with me at length about how his 16th birthday felt somehow very different to him.  He described it as his life finally starting at Ground Zero, as if he was truly starting over now that he has been home as long as he was in the orphanage, and also now that he has made so much progress in school and other areas.  Matthew and I were talking, and Matt said I ought to get something for Kenny with a Phoenix on it, signifying rebirth and renewal.  I loved the idea, so I went to a silk screener and had this sweat shirt made for Kenny to recognize his rebirth.  Kenny LOVED the symbolism of it, and loved the hoodie.  It meant a lot to him.

What deeply touched me though, was when Kenny first received his gift bag and he grabbed for the card.  He looked at all of us and said, "I love mom's cards the most, they are the best part of the gift." He took his time to read it carefully before opening anything up, and he repeated it again that my cards are more important than any gift.  Yes, it was hard not to tear up at that one.  I love how our kids can express their emotions so well, and never hesitate to do so.

Kenny reading our card.

Joshie also wrote him a sweet note, our kids love for one another and their unabashed willingness to express it to each other is probably one of my greatest joys of parenting.

The Hungry Menfolk

The Women of the Family

When we were finished with dinner, we went to the mall, because the kids had to purchase Kenny's gift...a new sport coat.  Now, mind you, Kenny is a very slender young man, so this was no easy task.  We tried on jacket after jacket with each one being too large or not the exact thing they were all looking for.  It was so fun to watch the kids all trying to find the right thing for him while Dominick and I just sat back and watched the action.  

Matthew led the charge, and it was extremely moving to watch him gently steer Kenny here and there, holding coats up and helping him in a very caring way.  These two are really great friends and dearly love one another, with Matthew being protective of Kenny in some ways, and Kenny being the mouthpiece for the quieter Matthew sometimes.  Matt was determined to find just the right thing for Kenny, and then at Kohl's they found it, a sport coat in a slender.  The problem?  It was $185, way, way more than all the kids were pitching in to pay for.  Matt took one look at it, then told Kenny they were getting it.  Kenny said, "No way, Matt, that is way too expensive."  Matt just told him to be quiet and step away for a moment while he talked with me.  I tried to talk him out of it, and Matthew shut me down quickly.

"Mom, 16 only comes once, and I want Kenny to have a special gift from us.  He has always had it harder than the rest of us and I think he deserves it.  I will pay the difference, I brought an extra hundred dollars." he said.

"I think that is way too much to pay for this, Matthew, and you really ought to wait and we can see what else we can find elsewhere." I replied.

He came back quickly with, "This isn't really your decision, Mom, it is mine and it is my money I earned, and this is what I want to do with it.  I don't mean to be disrespectful, but I really want to get this for him."

How could I argue?  So off to the register we went, where thankfully, we discovered it was on sale with quite a discount and ended up being less than $100.  I was so glad that it was more reasonable than we expected, but I looked at Matthew through new eyes when it was all over, and I saw that our quiet one runs very, very deep in his feelings for his brothers and sisters.

Ready to shop!

We have also had a trip to Salt Lake City during my blog hiatus.  Shriner's is going to do Matthew's back surgery on February 2, 2014.  It will not be a minor surgery, and we were told it will take between 4 and 5 hours, depending upon what they find when they have access to his spine.  Matthew has a broken vertebra he has had perhaps for his whole life, probably due to malnutrition when an infant.  He will be in the hospital for 5 days there, then it was suggested we remain in SLC for another 2-3 days before the long 6 hour drive home, so that his back has time to heal a little more.  He has been experiencing increasing pain, and really wants to get this over with.  Matt suffered with rickets as well, and his shins are somewhat curved but not bad enough for surgery, though when he was younger it was thought he might need it to correct the curvature.  Orthotics have helped with that issue, and he will need those the rest of his life.  We lucked out on that one.  He has had limited physical activity for years, and we hope this will bring him permanent relief.  

Josh continues to grow and grow and grow!  He needs all new clothes again, and has been borrowing a few of Matt's as his shoulders are so broad he needs them, but the sleeves are too long :-)  That will have to wait until after the holidays, as we can't manage a new wardrobe right now for the 3rd time this year.  He continues to check himself to see if he is taller than Olesya yet, so that he can move out of "Shortest in the Family" status :-)  What a sweet and hard working young man he is becoming, hard to call him a boy any longer for he definitely carries himself as a man now.  

The girls are blossoming in all kinds of ways, reaching out toward adulthood gradually.  What a gift Olesya and Angela are in my life, let alone the entire family.  It is hard to believe that once I was scared of having daughters, thinking I was mainly a "Boy Mom" and not really capable of being a "Girl Mom".  I am no different than I was, I still don't know how to dress well, seldom wear makeup, and in general still eschew many things most women enjoy.  It doesn't matter, not a whit.  The girls and I couldn't be closer, and every time I need to even make a quick run to the store they both beg to come with me, just to be with me.  We talk about everything from cute actors from India, to what has happened in Ferguson, to God's presence in our lives.  Enjoying their company has been so rewarding, and watching them grow into young women is quite a gift.  They are often found helping with various things at church, and enjoy being with our older female friends very much, all of whom treat them with great respect and kindness.  Their English is suprisingly good these days, though we still have a long way to go with written English.  But it was interesting to watch Angela tonight as she was watching some show on Netflix that was Korean, and had English subtitles.  I told her, "Can you believe that in less than five years, you are watching films subtitled in English and understanding everything?", and we both laughed about that.  How far these sweet girls have come, how much they have overcome, and how deeply I love them both...

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and if ever a family had a lot to be thankful for, it is us.  That we found one another in this world, that we are living together in great love for one another, that we are surrounded by the love of friends...yes, we have surgeries and work worries and other things ahead, but somehow, that all pales in comparison to what we have been blessed with.  More importantly, we never seem to forget how blessed we are, it is a constant part of our daily conversation, and I think that alone makes a big difference for us all.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

A Big Sigh

We have had a busy and fun couple of weeks! Fall has been kind, fall has been gentle, fall has offered more beauty than I can even express this year.  Dominick and I were both talking about what a lovely season it has been.  Friendships seem to be warmer and richer, new ones are circling, school is...dare I say it...finally, FINALLY a bit less stressful.  As I write this Sunday morning, laying here in bed as the sun peaks in through the blinds and rests on the walls before me, my soul feels as bright and warm as the light before me.

We had a Halloween Bash at our home Friday night, 30 people were crammed into our not-really-little-but-not-really-30-people-sized house!  Oh, it was SO much fun!  The laughter, the visiting, adults dressed in costume, kids out on the trampoline giggling, cupcakes everywhere...we had the most wonderful time and the warmth will fill me for several more days to come.

Here are some photos:

Kenny, Auntie Kim, and Matt

Funny, Kim doesn't look all that scared!

Angela with her M&M costume she created by herself.

Dearest friend George...such an appropriate costume for him!

Beloved Mr. Steve and his sexy legs!

Dang, when did Josh turn into this mature looking young man?  It's happening all in one year with him, I think, not gradually, but manhood has grabbed him by the shirt collar and is not letting go.

A little love fest as everyone arrives and enjoys the costumes!

This is not everyone who came, but is everyone who was dressed up.

My Home Boy and My Home Girl friend, Monica

Throwback to our SoCal days...Dominick pulls this off nicely! Haha!

Ready to pray

This.  I love nothing more than this...a houseful of people I love (and yes, I love our friends very, very much!), laughter, sharing...this is what brings me great joy.

Me being all "Pinterest-y"  Plastic cups, a black marker, and dollar store candles.  That's about all anyone can ever expect from me.  It sure made the driveway look pretty as these little luminarias lined it.

Volleyball season is officially over for the year, and it is time to settle down and get the books really crackin'.  In a couple of weeks I will be traveling both to Denver and to Salt Lake City, so there is movement on the horizon.  We have Kenny's special 16th birthday ahead of us, a "work retreat" for me with my buddy and Web Diva as we work on our new business, a Sweet Adelines performance, and I even get to officiate a wedding for the first time!  Lots of wonderful things ahead this month, and I am very, very happy down to my tippy toes, for the first time in quite awhile.  I haven't been miserable or any such thing, but I feel I have finally returned to a place that is more centered,  and am feeling more content than I have in perhaps years.  We still have some big challenges ahead, and maybe God is preparing my heart for another rough season by providing me with a fall that is equal parts sweetness and fullness.  Whatever the case, as I have eased into this place, it is as if I have let out a big sigh.

I hope you have been able to enter into this fall season as beautifully as I have.

The Richness of Fall Fever

Our lives are played out in rather humdrum and ordinary ways.  We get up, we go to school and work, we have dinner, we watch TV, we head to bed, and we start it all over again the next morn.  But sometimes, within those 24 hours we find the sacred joins us in the most unexpected ways.  For some reason, God has seen fit to bless me with more of those moments than most, or maybe I am just more attentive to them than some might be, needing them more than others do.  Who knows?  

This past year has had me less attuned to the sacred in my life, and I have felt the lack of its presence as a deep yearning to reconnect, but had no idea how to do so.  Beginning with my mom's fall and subsequent long hospitalization and rehabilitation, moving through the greening of late spring, the dry heat of summer, it was like my soul was drying up as well, wilting in the heat of financial pressures, concerns about our future with Dominick's work, and a lack of opportunities for deeper connections with friends.  Going through the motions, I found myself gradually pulling inward ever so subtly, returning to a Cindy of years ago.  That Cindy had far less warmth, far less empathy, and far less desire to allow the Spirit to direct her path.  Our trip to the southwest brought many feelings of worthlessness and loneliness to the surface, and maybe that needed to happen.

Over the past month or so, as fall came sweeping in with its band of merry colors and cooler temps, something began to shift.  More than ever before, fall became "my" season as I felt an expansiveness arrive, as if I could literally take a deep breath again.  I have no idea why, as nothing changed much in our lives, nothing, that is, but my heart.  I began to pray hard for the Spirit to show up, and show up It did.  The past couple of weeks have included the most intense encounters of my life with friends near and far, people I haven't heard from in years popping quickly into my life, others who are on the fringes reaching in with words of kindness and love that have thawed the chill.  There have been numerous opportunities to reach out to others and help in a variety of ways...meals to a friend post-surgery, emails of encouragement to keep a fellow mom's soul lifted, holding hands and just listening in a gym, carrying another's heart for just an hour or two as they work through things...each opportunity to give of myself created space.  

Which comes first?  Does reaching out to others cause the heart to warm, or does the warming of the heart cause us to want to reach out to others?  I don't know, but I am certainly grateful to appear to be leaving that dry season behind and entering a new one.

And the giving doesn't end there, as I received a wealth of heart from our own kids this week, as sacred moments in unlikely places occurred...they doing their best to fill me up as they saw me doing with others.  How can I describe what it is like to have your child see you...really and truly see you?  Not just "Mom" who pushes and prods and bugs about laundry, but "Mom" who is a person in her own right.

Today I had Fall Fever, and decided to do just a little school work this morning, then take the afternoon off.  As the kids wandered off in different directions of the house to do some of their assignments, I declared that I was going for a long walk, and asked if anyone wanted to come.  Kenny jumped at the chance, while the others declined, so off we went to enjoy the crisp blue skies and the last remnants of golden yellows.  Out in our neck of the woods, if we take a walk "around the block" it means a four mile trek around acres and acres of farmland dotted with small little farmhouses.  Striding alongside alfalfa fields with their final mowing packaged neatly in bales dotting the vast field, Kenny began to speak.

"I love getting time alone with you, Mom.  You are so easy to talk to, and so different from other moms."

"Really?" I asked, "How many other moms have you had to compare with?" I joked.

"Well, one other mom, for sure!" he laughingly responded.

Then he said, "No, really, I can't imagine having a different mom.  I don't think I would have ever landed in a family with parents who are so dedicated to us, and a mom who just knows what I am thinking all the time.  You are a good person to work things out with.  You are logical, and you are a good and wise listener that makes people feel OK to talk about things, so you can really help them.  Some people are logical, and some people are good listeners, but most are not both at the same time.  You always help me work things out because of that combination."

Smiling, I looked over at him and said, "I am so glad you feel that way, you know you can come and talk to me anytime about anything in the world.   You never have to feel uncomfortable."

"Oh, I totally know that!  And I am working through some hard stuff sometimes, so I am glad you are around to keep me straightened out." he said.  Then he added,"I have been thinking about my 16th birthday a lot, and I want it to be something different."

"In what way?  What's going on for you with that?" I asked.

We walked past an irrigation canal, still flowing but soon to be emptied.  The quiet swoosh of the fast running water was the only thing accompanying his thoughts.  I waited, he thought, then he spoke.

"I don't know exactly how to explain it, but it feels like something is happening inside for me, like a new beginning.  I feel like school is finally not quite as hard as it used to be, and now I can read and write pretty well.  At least I feel like a real 8th grader and am working at about that level finally.  I want to discover myself this next year, I want to figure out more of who I am.  It feels like I am just starting out in life, which may sound weird, but it is what I have been feeling the past couple of weeks." he thoughtfully shared.

Hmmm...

"So, have you thought about the fact that as of this year, you will have been with us and your family as long as you were not in a family?  Do you think that could have something to do with it?" I asked.

"Maybe, maybe!  I hadn't thought about that at all.  It is sort of like I am finally starting at Ground Zero when I turn 16, and maybe that is why I feel that way.  I couldn't have guessed that.  Thanks, that is exactly it." he said.

"Sort of like being reborn?  A rebirth of sorts, is that what you are thinking?"

"Yea, Mom, that's exactly it.  I feel reborn at 16.  I want to dig more into my faith, because now I can think more deeply about it.  I want to find a hobby or something I am good at.  I want to grow up a little more and I feel like I am finally not just behind all the time, but can move ahead now.  I don't know why I feel that way all of a sudden, but that is what I keep hearing in my head." he said.

Dried corn stalks with hints of green were in rows beside us, listening in to Kenny's soul sharing. 

"Let me see what I can think of to commemorate your rebirth.  I think I have a sense of what you are feeling, and maybe we can do something very specific to address this for you.  I think it is a wonderful idea, and very wise of you to recognize your inner self and be in tune with it.  I see it happening for you, too, Kenny. You are not alone in that." I said.

"Really?" he asked.

"Really...and throughout your life you will have times like this, when you just sense things are changing and you are moving in new directions.  Pay attention to them, because they can be very powerful periods in your life where you will grow into something new."  I said.

"See mom?  I know tons of kids think their parents are so stupid, but you and Dad are so smart.  I am glad we all have you helping us grow up.  I don't know why other kids can't see that their parents know a lot." 

Well...how nice is that?

But wait, there's more filling up to be offered to mom's exhausted and emptied soul..  Angela had helped me cook several meals to take to an old friend who had just had a hysterectomy and had reached out asking for help after complications set in and she wasn't able to do as much as she had anticipated.  She's also Miss Intuitive, the one who is super sensitive to the vibes in a room.  She had seen me visiting with a wide variety of people this past week who had turned to me for a little support or encouragement.  One has a dying father far away, another is locally homeschooling a grand daughter in her custody, yet another is a daughter of a friend of a friend asking for help with Dysgraphia.  Just a lot of this and that, with a couple of more intense situations in the mix as well.

Sitting there beside me on the drive home after volleyball practice, she turned to me and said, "Mom, how are you doing?  Are you OK?  Are you taking care of yourself right now?  Do you need to talk about anything?" 

"No, Angie, I am really and truly fine.  Why do you ask?" 

"Well, I was thinking a lot at volleyball practice.  And I was thinking about you." she said.

"Why were you thinking about me instead of volleyball?" I asked.

She got quiet for a moment as I pulled up to a stop sign, looked both ways, and turned onto familiar streets.

"Mom, I want to say something totally serious to you.  I am not joking, and I know you might try and blow me off but I need you to listen.." she said in an impassioned voice.

Uh oh...I didn't like the sound of that one.  So, bracing myself, I said, "OK, go ahead.  I'm listening." and I turned to look at her.

Taking a deep breath, she started in.  "You know how I am reading about Ghandi?  And Martin Luther King?  And Malala?  They are all people who made a big difference in the world because they were strong and had big hearts.  They are like Jesus in a way."

"Yes, they are.  They were pretty important people who did a lot to change the world we live in right now." I said, not really getting where she was going with this.

"Well, I am going to say something that you are not going to want to hear or believe, but I really need you to believe it.  Mom, you are like them.  You are like Jesus.  I was thinking about how almost every single day, you are helping someone, and no one thinks about it.  It is just you.  You email and help so many moms with kids with disabilities or who are having trouble with adoption stuff, you are always there for your friends, and then you look at our family and us kids...even getting us was a really big deal that we don't really think about."

A little stunned, I sat there quietly, headed toward home as the clouds were alight with the very last tinges of oranges and pinks.  She went on.

"I don't think it hit me until I saw you visit your friend with the food we made.  You were just so kind to her, and it was like I was watching you from the outside or something, seeing you differently. I am just so used to you being you, and I think none of us sees how really good you are inside, more than any other mom I have ever seen.  You would do anything for someone you knew needed help, and I guess that I never thought much about it until this week. I even counted the ones I knew about.  Did you know you helped 8 different people this week, not counting us?  But what really got me was when the woman in front of us started to cry in church Sunday, and you were the only one who got up to sit next to her and hug her.  Mom, I wanted to cry myself because it was so how you are, and I was  proud of you and wondered why you are the one who always sees things like that and then does something about it.  Maybe it was because we were in church then, but all of a sudden I realized how much you change the world for people.  That's what Jesus did, he was strong and he loved everyone.  That's you, Mom.  I really hope you listen to me because I think it is something important for you to know."

A mile from the house, tears were streaming down my cheeks.  Of course they were, how could they not be?  I couldn't speak a single word, I just grabbed her hand and held it tight.  As we pulled onto our road, I stopped the car at the mailbox, turned to her and said, "And you will be, too, one day, because you see...you see it all, and are fearless and will act with passion.  You will be making a difference, too."

I think the Fall Fever has helped break up a lot of things in my heart.  I am softer again, and God is sending messengers from many different directions to fill me up in ways I have never been filled up before.

Nutshell Time

Oh Blog, I've missed you so!  I have been so busy traveling and writing for other reasons, that I have neglected to post here.  I am going to write an "In a Nutshell" kind of post, and will try and be far more prosaic in another post, maybe later this week.  For now, here are the highlights:

1)  Traveled with Kenny to Shriner's for a cleft team meeting.  It is like returning home, the staff there is so warm, and they always remember their patients, even if it has been a long time since they have seen them.  Kenny has to go back into a palate expander and braces yet again (3rd time), then another surgery to attempt for the 3rd time a palate closure.  They may be forced to take part of his cheek or tongue for tissue, but he is bothered by the opening in his palate, so it is worth it.  Probably going to be advised to pull a couple of teeth.  It was confirmed that as soon as his face grows to full maturity, he will need orthognathic surgery to break his lower jaw and bring it back to proper placement to match his upper jaw.  Yea, fun times ahead...and this young man has such a great attitude.  Shriner's also offered to do a neuro-psych evaluation for us, which might provide us with more answers about Kenny's ongoing cognitive/memory/processing issues, and that will be done December 11th back in Chicago.  Grateful for it, and yet it is another trip this year.  Seems I just get home and we have another ahead of us.

2)  Matthew and I travel to Shriner's in Salt Lake City for an appointment to schedule his back surgery, which will be after the first of the year sometime.  We have to be there on November 20th, and both of us are looking forward to time together, sans other kids.  Whenever I get time alone with any of the kids it is always a treat.  He is quite nervous about this, and I don't blame him, I am nervous, too.  Maybe the long drive will allow for time for conversation and reflection about what is ahead.

3)  Volleyball season is ending, with tournament play for all the kids but Angie tomorrow, and she will have hers next Saturday.  Looking forward to a fun day ahead, and the kids are so sad for the season to end.  I am glad to have some of the running settle down and get some schoolwork done.  Ready to settle in for the late fall and winter.

4)  Preached a sermon last Sunday, still so uncomfortable doing it.  I keep trying, hoping that one day I will find a little confidence hiding somewhere.  Not sure it will ever happen, but it is an honor to be at the pulpit anyway.  My sermon theme was about being will to say "I don't know", and as I type this it is hard not to chuckle about just how often I have had to say that over the course of the past 15 years.  It was a treat to have our former choir director play the day I preached, and with the knowledge that she and her hubby are moving in the spring, I realized I am already grieving that loss.  Funny how certain people crawl inside your heart, how I will miss her sensitive and gentle spirit, and how I have appreciated her quiet presence in my life.

5)  Olesya was treated to a shopping day for her birthday...it had been tough to schedule it so Miss Jill took her out last weekend.  Olesya looked so beautiful in the outfit they bought, and Jill's patience with the difficulty in making decisions was much appreciated.  I wish I had taken a photo of Olesya, she looked so happy and I know she felt beautiful, something she struggles with as she battles this awkward stage in life.

6)  Joshua is changing so rapidly, that from day to day I don't recognize who is in front of me!  Boy flew out the window, and Man arrived overnight.  Never seen it happen so fast in a child, and though fun to watch, he is feeling unsettled at moments and I know this hit him a little sooner than he expected, too.  I don't often think much about the outward appearances of our kids, but I looked over at him this evening, and I saw the most handsome young man before me, my heart melted a little.  Then he came up and put his head on my shoulder, and I had little Joshie again for a split second longer.  Oh, this growing up is hard on everyone, even when it is beautiful.

7)  Preparing to give birth to my new little online business is taking up an extraordinary amount of brain space and time, but it is exciting to see it take shape, sort of like watching an ultrasound screen.  God spoke a lot to me about it this past weekend, sending numerous people my direction to chat with.  I have no idea if it will be successful, but we are working hard, everyone in the family is heavily emotionally invested in it and has taken on a role.  It would be impossible without a beloved friend who is putting her talents to work to make our dream come to life on screen.  We'll see what happens, but the next couple of months will have a lot going on, and might keep me from updating the blog as much while I write content and work on other tasks.

8)  In other ways, this fall has been the sweetest ever.  Our trip did a lot to help me purge some things, and the effect was dramatic.  I am not even sure what really happened for me, but there was a deep internal shift, and life began anew.  I had been in the longest dry spell, disconnected from the spirit and from other hearts.  I have been quite lonely, actually, which probably sounds nuts in a large and loving family, but I mean lonely of a different sort.  This past week has found me circled with all kinds of loving connections, big and small, and one budding connection that is touching my heart in ways nothing has in years.  Having had a challenging couple of days with school and learning disabilities making things very hard, every little outreach of others took on great meaning.  I am straddling many worlds this past couple of years, and fitting into none of them well.  In one particular area, I just finally gave up and told God I had worked very hard to find a place for myself , but it was obviously not going to happen, so I thew my hands up...and within a couple of weeks the tide turned, maybe because I turned away and looked in a new direction.  All I know is that it feels like the Spirit is back in the driver's seat, and I am filling up to the point I can pass it on once again.  I have absolutely hated the emotional place I have been in, like being on an island with no boat drifting nearby to get me off.    The older we grow, the more internal work to be done, I guess.

Not a very thoughtful blog post, but it's all I have to offer this night.  Unfortunately, I appear to be entering another phase of insomnia, which has plagued me periodically as an adult when my mind is in overdrive and I can't pull the key out of the ignition.  While that doesn't help during the daytime, i usually bodes well for my mind and late night blogging, so who knows?  I might be blogging more than usual in the coming weeks.

Soul Peeks

I have always said you can tell loads about a person by the way they hug...do they side hug?  Pat on the back?  Gingerly lean in?  Full on bear hug?  There are so many versions of The Hug, and each one reveals a lot about a person.

I am a full on bear hugger, an enveloper, desirous of letting those I am hugging know that at that very moment I am all theirs.  I'd put most of my friends in the same category...long, warm, arms fully wrapped around you kind of hugs.  Dominick is a great hugger, as are all the kids...Matt a little more reserved than others with the exception of us, Joshua sometimes on uncomfortable days a little less "whole", Olesya still learning to trust and at moments a tad more distanced and yet other times giving in to what her heart feels, Angela long and slow hugs that really try to say something, and Kenny...he gives the absolute best hugs in the world, sort of melt-into-you embraces that make you want to protect him and treasure him in all that vulnerability.

Recently I realized there is another very unique way to take a peek into a person's soul.  Viewing what has been saved on iPads or what photos have been taken has been so revealing.

While we are on vacation, I challenged the 3 kiddos taking photography to use the trip to come up with a few really solid photos using the composition rules we had been learning about.  Olesya, Angela and Josh all spent a fair amount of time shooting, and by golly, when we had our next class and shared what we thought were our best photos, it was clear they had been paying attention and had learned a lot!  I'll share their photos soon, once they are done editing them, but we all were surprised at the differences in the kinds of photos we took.  Mine were a combination of landscaped, people, and stills of things.  Olesya had virtually no people in any of hers, and she tended to like closer photos of nature scenes, a reminder of the tiniest shell she still has around her that is ever gradually melting.  Angela was taking expansive landscapes and almost nothing close up, her eyes always on the horizon for the newest adventure or scene to be revealed.

Josh was far and way the most interesting, every one of us saw his favorite photos and turned to each other saying, "Wow!  He has a real eye!!"  Josh sees the world differently, and has this lovely sweetness that unexpectedly showed up.  He took a few family photos, a couple of which were quite wonderful, and these unique and unusual abstracts.  At almost every turn, he saw something none of the rest of us saw at a particular place.  He had carefully researched and purchased a small pocket Canon camera, and quickly learned all the features and functions so he could get the most out of his little $60 camera.  I hope he continues, as at 11 years old, he really surprised us all with his artistic side reflected in photos.

We also joked that he will be the one out of all of the kids to eventually be the King of Selfies, as he was fascinated with taking photos of himself and then manipulating them with software into oddball images! Haha!

Angela and I were looking at Matt's iPad as he was showing us a photo, and we both glanced at each other at the same time as he bypassed a few things he had saved.  I asked him to show them to us.  Lovely, soulful quotes, images that were not the kind you'd usually find in a 15 year old boy's photo collection...reflective landscapes, fields of blooms, in fact at this very moment his screen background is a tulip covered field with a farmhouse nearby.  There was also the occasional macho jet or motorcycle, but they were actually few and far between.  Angela and I spoke afterward and she said, "Mom, know one knows how deep boys can be."

Kenny's heart is revealed more in the music he has compiled, a small collection of church favorites, old hymns and anthems, some contemporary Christian music...and a handful of younger kids's songs that we are not yet ready to abandon.  Unlike the other more tech savvy kids, he has saved little, but his writings are there, long missives about his understandings of God intermixed with a story or two about Knights and Kings of old.

Contrast that with Angela and Olesya's incredible mix of world music, Russian pop songs, Bollywood hits from India, and more.  Olesya tends to lean more toward a little bit of the American teeny bopper pop music, while Angela enjoys contemporary country from the likes of Brad Paisley and a little Garth thrown in.  Matt totally digs 70's and 80's slow rock, and Josh's musical tastes are All Disney All the Time.

Each young person who resides with us is so unique and wonderful, so different.  What I have been surprised to see over time is there has been no trash saved on iPads, nothing that a parent of typical teens would roll their eyes at...it is as if that little tablet encases a tiny extension of their precious souls, and what is contained therein is Important Stuff.

Every day I am learning, every day I am exploring through the eyes, hearts and minds of those who are accompanying me on this journey of life.  

Over-Rated Roads

Taken our first night camping...we were all awestruck.  

Such views are healing for the soul.

Home.  Unpacked.  Laundry being done...well, let's face it, it's never fully "done".  Walmart run completed and groceries in for the week, maybe two if I can stretch it.  $419 and two carts full.  I wanted to gag a little, it always feels that way after we have emptied the fridge prior to a trip.  Nothing but food, and only 4 meat items purchased.  I laughed out loud recently when someone asked about our food bill.  I offered the explanation like this:  "Well, if I buy a single bag of apples, there are usually 7 or 8 apples in it.  That is one snack for one day." That was greeted by a stunned silence as the realization set in.  No one I know wants to trade grocery bills with us.

We had a total blast, really enjoyed our time in Durango, and all the beauty of the southwest.  I am sharing photos randomly on this blog post, just because :-)  We ended up coming home on "Color Weekend" through the mountain passes in Western Colorado, when the hues of yellow and orange were at their most show-offy.

PS:  All these photos were taken with my tiny little iPhone camera, as an experiment.  

What do you think?

I know my last blog post sounded a bit like a Pity Party for Cindy, and I regretted posting it after I closed up the iPad that night.  I mean, my life is far from awful, in fact, it is down right beautiful in all the ways that count.  Seriously.  I don't make anything up here, I have too many "in real life" friends who come visit me here on the blog and they keep me honest! Hahaha!  Our family genuinely IS very, very happy.  We DO laugh that much.  We DO deeply love one another. And yes, our kids DO actually get along that well.  I am not faking it when I post about the moments...you know the ones...because that is how we live our lives. I take no credit for it, aside from making sure God is as present as we can manage, and though I know many don't "get it", that changes every.single.thing.  It really does.

But I long ago vowed that this blog was for us, and because of that, I had no reason to hide anything or sugar coat it.  As time passed, and I realized there were more people reading it than my 2.5 friends, it became even more important to be as articulate and open as I could possibly be.  As I was preparing myself each and every time we adopted, it seemed everything I read was either a Fairy Tale or a Horror Story.  I knew it was neither, and that folks were just too uncomfortable to share their truth....all of it.  There are things, out of respect for the kids, that I don't share.  They know I blog, and they will sometimes say, "You won't post that, will you?", and of course I won't.  However, they all know what a challenging road we travel as a family, and they have seen first hand and heard from many, many others who have explained how much it helped to read things I have written through the years, so our kids see our blog as a ministry of sorts, and are supportive of us reaching out in whatever ways we can to help others see things more clearly.

My regret about posting my Mini-Mama-Meltdown was completely wiped away when I received this comment today:

" I've never left a comment here, but I always looks forward to your posts because I truly feel that we are living very similar lives, although my kids are a few years younger than yours (13. 11. 10. and 5). I have searched and searched to find other blogs or other moms that can understand what I'm going through and your blog is the ONLY one I've ever found that seems to parallel my life. I just wanted to tell you what a blessing today's blog post was to me. You articulated so many feelings and fears that I have. In fact, I was just out on the back porch talking to myself (because, you know, NO ONE else understands, so you end up talking to yourself.. a lot) and I expressed the same feelings that you're feeling right now. I don't have any advice or really anything good to say, but just wanted you to know that you're not alone in this. And can I tell you how much I appreciated knowing that I'm not the only one who explains the same thing over and over and over again, even after a very logical explanation? I really thought it was just my family. Thanks again for your blog. It keeps me from feeling that I'm alone in this."

I have often said, both in person and in my blogs, that no one should ever have to feel alone.  It is one reason I am incredibly passionate about the company I am working behind the scenes to create, which will hopefully offer some level of support, encouragement, and resources for families like ours, and like my fellow mama above.  We shouldn't have to feel this way.  We shouldn't have to talk to ourselves, we shouldn't have to cry alone, we shouldn't have to fight every step of the way to convince professionals that we are not idiots and something is very wrong with our beloved children.  We shouldn't have to research it, present it, and beg for testing...that is THEIR job.  We shouldn't have to feel that crushing sensation as we look around and realize there isn't a single place to turn to for understanding and help.

We should NEVER be alone in this.  Yet, we are.

I may sometimes feel that alone, because our circumstances are different and others have no experience with it, but I am inordinately blessed with friends who listen, who care, and who offer tangible help when they can.  Even with that, I still feel deeply isolated at moments.  I think all special needs moms do.  That's why I try to write with honesty.  Those who have followed us for a long time, hopefully, see that reflected in my posts.

However, the funny thing is that most of the time, I actually forget I am, indeed, a special needs mom.  Dumb, huh?  I mean, isn't it obvious even with Kenny?  Let alone the fact that every single one of our kids has some sort of diagnosis?  (No, I am not a "diagnosis" junkie, but we've needed to know so I could find great tools to teach with...and to know when to press and when to let go.)  Well, if you knew our kids in person, you might better understand why it sometimes catches me off guard. They are indeed, "uniquely developed" or "Limited Edition", as Angela has dubbed us.  They ARE bright, they ARE deep, they ARE smart!  

That, in a nutshell, is why it can be so disheartening and hard...because they ARE so many things other than a label.

LaJoy Men...Strong, Good, Awesome!

After much reflection, I realized that part of what erupted for me was grief stemming from  the growing realization that I think we might be dealing with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome or some related disorder with Kenny, and likely with the girls as well.  Of course, we know that is highly probable with the girls, as we have a history that includes incredible alcohol use.  We are undoubtedly fortunate that it isn't much, much worse with the girls.  With Kenny, it is a big unknown. Surprisingly, not a single specialist has ever suggested it with Kenny, and I am not sure why.  In reading more and more about it, a light bulb is going on for me.  He has such a myriad number of issues, all of which could be independent of FAS, but together seem to point directly to it. 

And with each new level of understanding, with each new layer uncovered for our children who are in many ways complete enigmas at moments, it is as if I have to take a deep breath, and allow myself time to grieve the latest understanding.

So much damage done...so very much that was 100% avoidable and unnecessary.

Tonight, here alone in the quiet with nothing but my keyboard and my thoughts, I marvel at the path God has encouraged me to walk. Having talked it all through, cried it all out, and handed it over to Something Bigger Than Myself, I am better able to be and feel all I need to be and feel.  It builds over time, all of "this", and it needs to rise to the surface.  How grateful I am, though, for all that Team LaJoy is together.  For all our "failings" in the eyes of the world, for all that doesn't work the same as it does for everyone else, for all that is frustrating and aggravating on a daily basis, there is one thing I know for certain:

We are never in it alone.  We, the seven of us, are there forever for one another.  We have ALL healed and have scars, we have ALL overcome, and we are ALL going to make sure that everyone makes it.  Sometimes I need to look back a bit, and see just how far we have already come.  We have such a "Two steps forward, one back" kind of life, that it can be hard to measure the true distance traveled.  Oh man, have we made it a long, long way. How could I ever forget that?

Josh was listening the other day to some music, and on came the song I used for the adoption slide show I created for the girls.  We have come to think of as "the Girls' Song", popularized by Rascal Flatts (Broken Road), though we used the version by Selah, which is far more beautiful. Josh started humming it mindlessly, or so I thought, until he glanced up at me and said, "Hey mom, this song is really about our whole family.  God really did bless the broken road that led us to each other."

Straight, perfect roads are highly over-rated.  I'll take the broken one, anytime...it has more to offer my heart.