Giving Up? Or Giving Up Doubt?

So the gauntlet was thrown down this weekend, and Matthew issued a challenge...we were learning about Lent in church and he said he would give up Legos for Lent if I gave up Diet Coke. For those of you who know me, this is truly an addiction. I am not someone who likes Diet Coke and has a couple a day, I drink it as if it were water. Working during ski season makes it even more readily accessible and FRESH and BUBBLY right at my fingertips out of the tap. I have gone to Caffeine Free Diet Coke before and lasted 3 years on it, until I fell off the wagon about 5 years ago. The headaches I got from being without my daily dose were awful!! I remember thinking all of that was a big joke when people would talk about quitting coffee, but once I tried and failed a few times I knew it was no joke.

Although we are getting a late start, we are going to try and go "cold turkey" starting today and see if we can make it. Tonight the Legos will be packed up for the season and I am certain I will suffer far more than Matthew will :-)

Another thing I am personally going to give up for Lent is doubt. As I was listening to our sermon yesterday my mind wandered a bit, and I thought about what else I could give up for Lent, something more meaningful than a carbonated beverage. I came to a decision that I am going to stop protecting my heart from the possibility that my desires will not come true. I am going to trust that He has already spoken, and there is no reason for Him to have to do so again. I am going to let go of this never-ending need to KNOW how it will all be able to work out and just trust that it will. I can not see how our daughters will come home right now, I just can not picture the way the path will be smoothed.

I realized in a flash of clarity that what I had recently been thinking...that this was more about something I desired and not what He had in mind at all...was simply not true. He made it abundantly clear in several ways early on, and I'll bet God gets really tired of having to reassure us all over and over that He keeps His promises. In a moment of crystal clear understanding, I got it. I don't have to know how, or when, or even why. I just have to know it WILL happen. And I do, in my heart of hearts I know it will. It won't be because I "pushed" too hard, it will be in the right timing and with the right people working on it.

So God, hey, I'm sorry for my doubt. I'm sorry I was so quick to forget the strength of Your power and ability to move mountains. I am sorry that I am weak and it is easier for me to quickly "jump ship" when the going gets a little rough and worry more about moving to a place of protectiveness for myself than of walking through the tough stuff to get to the reward You have already promised is waiting on the other side. You won't have to tell me again, I promise. I will firmly stand on the promise you already made me, I will proudly proclaim what I know to be true even if I can't yet see how You are going to work this out, that they will somehow come home someday. You made it clear that You made me to be their mom, and them to be our daughters and sisters. No question in my mind about that, and I realized that the past couple of days when I was questioned about it and I vehemently stated I KNEW they were ours and any doubt I might have had nothing to do with them at all. You have already spoken to my heart about that. You are Awesome, God, You really are and I am so glad You and I can always talk, that I hear You even if sometimes I stupidly choose to ignore You. You spoke to me years ago about all of this, and reaffirmed it over and over using others to seal the deal. I get it...I really, really do...and I won't ask you again in my weakness. You've got it all under control, and I have to simply do the legwork. You were right 3 times already and you made it happen even when we couldn't figure out where Kenny lived...was he in Kazakhstan? Haiti? Ethiopia? China? And then, miraculously an unexpected phone call and we learned about Kyrgyzstan...and there he was. I was doubting You then, doubting that You had declared to me that we were to adopt a 3rd time, and that doubt was over something as minor as not being able to return to Kazakhstan and not knowing where to turn from there. Dumb, I know, and here I am doing it again. Duh...some people have to be hit over the head with a brick to "get it". Guess I now have a firm dent in my noggin, but I'll get over it. Thanks so much for all the blessings You have bestowed on our family already...it sometimes seems so greedy to ask for anything more, but I know this isn't asking for anything for us, this is You using us to provide for others. Ok, gotta run...Love You! Amen.