Today was not a stellar day for me in the homeschooling arena, as I finally gave in to the realization that for a couple of subjects the resources I purchased are just not cutting it, and I need to regroup, repurchase, and reteach. Special needs homeschooling is NOT for those who give up easily, that's for sure. I was feeling a true sense of failure as I looked at the cost of switching things up, and wished I had been able to anticipate that we would "hit a wall", of sorts, in some areas with certain kids. Knowing we will still manage to go around or through that wall somehow does little to ease the strain on the wallet, or the stress of not getting it right the first time.
Dismally, I sat down to grade a few papers prior to beginning hours and hours more research, and God handed me the perfect reminder that despite this momentary setback, we are succeeding in dramatic ways. It was also a strong affirmation that Team LaJoy is such a gift to live in the midst of. When one of us is frustrated or struggling, the other lifts us up. When something proves difficult or wearisome, another offers a reason to keep on hanging in there.
Red pen in hand, I was poised to begin the task at hand and begin to edit and comment on essays that the four had written on a seemingly mundane topic that pretty much every kid has written about at one time or another, "What I did over summer vacation" but I added a spin and asked them each to write about how they had changed over the summer. One by one, the Spirit whacked me over the head with a 2x4 (God and I have a "thing" about this because I am a wee bit hard headed!) as Josh, Kenny, and Angela all shared about how this summer was an important one for them in the areas of friendship, moving on from childhood, and not giving in to taking the easy way out. Yea, I know, I get it...none of this looks like "failure", but I can be a little dense sometimes and need that whack upside the head. It helped me to reflect on what really matters and how never giving up pays off in the long run.
Then, I picked up Olesya's essay, and I was more deeply moved than I have been in a very long time. There I saw before me the truly transformative power of acceptance, of being deeply loved, and of being honest with one's self. I asked Olesya if I could share her writing here, and she agreed but I could tell couldn't really see why I might want to. This is my only "Memory Book" because I have been a busy and non-crafty mom, so I like to save important things here on the blog for the future. This one was definitely a keeper, as was the comment she made in the email in which she forwarded her essay..."Dear Mom, I just wanted you to know that every change i saw this summer was because of your persistence, guidance, and the work of making sure i talked and expressed what i felt. You showed me that it was safe to do so; thank you so much for helping me grow and learn more about myself."
Here is Olesya's essay in full:
As a sculptor needs his chisel to chisel away at the rough marble, so do we. We need the right tools to sculpt our best selves, otherwise we go from something workable to something that is so rough that no matter the tools, we can't chip away the roughness, or the damaged parts. That is how I understand we grow, and get real with ourselves, which trickles down to us being real with others.
I'm not ashamed to say that I have lacked confidence before. I didn't always believe in myself, therefore I thought I had nothing to offer to the world. I realized that I can do anything I set my mind to, no matter how big or small a thing might seem, I can do it. This is not arrogance , but instead the belief in myself as a person who has gifts, and talents to offer to the world. I didn't gain confidence over night, it was years worth progress, and if I was able to foresee the person I would turn into today, I wouldn't wish to change overnight, but rather still take each stepping stones. I don't need to change myself to make others like me, and this is one the major things that set in stone this summer.
A mirror reflects only the outside image of you, and when mine was staring back at me I realized that I lose confidence because of one major thing...weight gain. In the last couple of years I was happy after the volleyball season was over because of the fact that I lost weight, which made me feel lighter in body and spirit. Then not doing as much exercise as volleyball had required of me, I gradually gain the weight back, though this year is different, I was happier going into the season. One connection I made was that even losing ten pounds was enough for me to feel better and more confident. Until this year, I didn't realize how much weight had an impact on me. Dropping a few does something mentally for me, I don't wish I was something or able to do something, I make it happen.
One of the few words that I'm not particularity eager to use is normal. Why? Because normal is overrated, normal is what people describe others when they don't understand why they are different from the rest, normal is blowing off a problem to make sure kids fit in with their peers, and normal is a label we use when we don't have the reason for a physical, or a mental disability. I don't doubt the fact that I have FASD – Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders, and no I'm not ashamed of it now. Not understanding why I forget the simplest things on some days and not on others, and why I kept on saying “No” to everything made me pull inwards, and keep to myself. I was becoming unhappy, and not until a breakdown, did I understand why.
We were talking about starting to learn to drive, and I, myself, was very uncomfortable with the idea, yet didn't say anything because I was seventeen and that is what “normal” kids do, they start driving. My mom could tell I wasn't ready to learn to drive. My family could tell that I was changing, I was shutting down more, and “No,” became a regular word of my daily vocabulary. That day, after tears, laughter, smiles, and reassurance, I got what was wrong with me. I have a disability though not an obvious one, it comes through on occasion. The funny thing is, I realized over the summer that a disability is what others might define it as, but the way I'm starting to see it, is not a disability but rather “I'm able my way.” I, much like a sculptor, need my tools with me, and I know that there will be days when I will be forgetful, or need a seventy-seventh explanation for a task, but I know that my family doesn't mind helping me out on those type of days because after all, my family isn't “normal” it is "limited edition".
In the end, some realizations take time to accept because we all believe that we are who we are, and there is no changing us. Understanding something new about myself doesn't hurt me, it only changes me for the better. It's a domino affect, I had confidence, but instead of just saying that, now I believe it. Without realizing how much of an impact weight gain or loss had on me, I now know that with weight loss my confidence boosts a couple of notches, and vise versa. I have a disability, it may not be a serious one, but I don't need to hide it to appear “normal.” In the long run, I have a supportive family, the right tools, and if I keep the right mind set, I will keep on growing and changing for the better.
Dismally, I sat down to grade a few papers prior to beginning hours and hours more research, and God handed me the perfect reminder that despite this momentary setback, we are succeeding in dramatic ways. It was also a strong affirmation that Team LaJoy is such a gift to live in the midst of. When one of us is frustrated or struggling, the other lifts us up. When something proves difficult or wearisome, another offers a reason to keep on hanging in there.
Red pen in hand, I was poised to begin the task at hand and begin to edit and comment on essays that the four had written on a seemingly mundane topic that pretty much every kid has written about at one time or another, "What I did over summer vacation" but I added a spin and asked them each to write about how they had changed over the summer. One by one, the Spirit whacked me over the head with a 2x4 (God and I have a "thing" about this because I am a wee bit hard headed!) as Josh, Kenny, and Angela all shared about how this summer was an important one for them in the areas of friendship, moving on from childhood, and not giving in to taking the easy way out. Yea, I know, I get it...none of this looks like "failure", but I can be a little dense sometimes and need that whack upside the head. It helped me to reflect on what really matters and how never giving up pays off in the long run.
Then, I picked up Olesya's essay, and I was more deeply moved than I have been in a very long time. There I saw before me the truly transformative power of acceptance, of being deeply loved, and of being honest with one's self. I asked Olesya if I could share her writing here, and she agreed but I could tell couldn't really see why I might want to. This is my only "Memory Book" because I have been a busy and non-crafty mom, so I like to save important things here on the blog for the future. This one was definitely a keeper, as was the comment she made in the email in which she forwarded her essay..."Dear Mom, I just wanted you to know that every change i saw this summer was because of your persistence, guidance, and the work of making sure i talked and expressed what i felt. You showed me that it was safe to do so; thank you so much for helping me grow and learn more about myself."
Here is Olesya's essay in full:
New Way of Thinking
As a sculptor needs his chisel to chisel away at the rough marble, so do we. We need the right tools to sculpt our best selves, otherwise we go from something workable to something that is so rough that no matter the tools, we can't chip away the roughness, or the damaged parts. That is how I understand we grow, and get real with ourselves, which trickles down to us being real with others.I'm not ashamed to say that I have lacked confidence before. I didn't always believe in myself, therefore I thought I had nothing to offer to the world. I realized that I can do anything I set my mind to, no matter how big or small a thing might seem, I can do it. This is not arrogance , but instead the belief in myself as a person who has gifts, and talents to offer to the world. I didn't gain confidence over night, it was years worth progress, and if I was able to foresee the person I would turn into today, I wouldn't wish to change overnight, but rather still take each stepping stones. I don't need to change myself to make others like me, and this is one the major things that set in stone this summer.
A mirror reflects only the outside image of you, and when mine was staring back at me I realized that I lose confidence because of one major thing...weight gain. In the last couple of years I was happy after the volleyball season was over because of the fact that I lost weight, which made me feel lighter in body and spirit. Then not doing as much exercise as volleyball had required of me, I gradually gain the weight back, though this year is different, I was happier going into the season. One connection I made was that even losing ten pounds was enough for me to feel better and more confident. Until this year, I didn't realize how much weight had an impact on me. Dropping a few does something mentally for me, I don't wish I was something or able to do something, I make it happen.
One of the few words that I'm not particularity eager to use is normal. Why? Because normal is overrated, normal is what people describe others when they don't understand why they are different from the rest, normal is blowing off a problem to make sure kids fit in with their peers, and normal is a label we use when we don't have the reason for a physical, or a mental disability. I don't doubt the fact that I have FASD – Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders, and no I'm not ashamed of it now. Not understanding why I forget the simplest things on some days and not on others, and why I kept on saying “No” to everything made me pull inwards, and keep to myself. I was becoming unhappy, and not until a breakdown, did I understand why.
We were talking about starting to learn to drive, and I, myself, was very uncomfortable with the idea, yet didn't say anything because I was seventeen and that is what “normal” kids do, they start driving. My mom could tell I wasn't ready to learn to drive. My family could tell that I was changing, I was shutting down more, and “No,” became a regular word of my daily vocabulary. That day, after tears, laughter, smiles, and reassurance, I got what was wrong with me. I have a disability though not an obvious one, it comes through on occasion. The funny thing is, I realized over the summer that a disability is what others might define it as, but the way I'm starting to see it, is not a disability but rather “I'm able my way.” I, much like a sculptor, need my tools with me, and I know that there will be days when I will be forgetful, or need a seventy-seventh explanation for a task, but I know that my family doesn't mind helping me out on those type of days because after all, my family isn't “normal” it is "limited edition".
In the end, some realizations take time to accept because we all believe that we are who we are, and there is no changing us. Understanding something new about myself doesn't hurt me, it only changes me for the better. It's a domino affect, I had confidence, but instead of just saying that, now I believe it. Without realizing how much of an impact weight gain or loss had on me, I now know that with weight loss my confidence boosts a couple of notches, and vise versa. I have a disability, it may not be a serious one, but I don't need to hide it to appear “normal.” In the long run, I have a supportive family, the right tools, and if I keep the right mind set, I will keep on growing and changing for the better.
Re-reading this here once again, it is hard not to sob out loud. I needed this one on this very day, a day when I was feeling defeated and ineffective as both an educator and a mom. Olesya came to us so incredibly timid, so filled with self-loathing and often called herself stupid. She gave in to others rather than assert herself, and thought she was unworthy of friendship and love. She convinced herself that if she gave in to others they might not be mean to her.
She didn't see herself as wise, she didn't see herself as smart, and she sure didn't see herself as worthy. Her severe math disability grew to global proportions in her mind, and her occasional memory and logic issues caused by FASD further contributed to her low self-esteem.
Oh, my dear, sweet Olesya, what is reflected in this writing is a maturity and self-awareness many adults never manage to gain. That you were capable of writing at this capacity after only 7 years of English is astonishing, but that you have allowed your soul to swell with love for others and yourself to the point that you can share such intimate thoughts openly is an even greater accomplishment.
So here I sit, it is midnight after a challenging day, one that could have highlighted failure on my own part. Instead, I see success and light and growth and love. I am so thankful that tonight I will not head off to bed heavy hearted, feeling as I have so many nights before as doubts assail, and fear for futures of these young people I love so much are fuzzy and unclear. Tomorrow is a new day, I will research and explore to find the very best tools to help them continue to mature, to learn, and to grow into the strong, kind, competent adults I know they will be. Oh, I am not fooling myself, I know we still have some really hard days ahead, and that making it to independence for some will be no small miracle. But tonight, I will ease into sleep seeing more than my own lack, and I will take Olesya's words to heart that we are ALL "able our own ways".
3 comments:
OMG Cindy. That was beautiful, both your's and Olesya's. Your kids continue to blow me away! You should never doubt the positive effect you and Dominick are having on them. Keep up the great work Mom!....Dianne
Wouldn't it be awesome if we all had her faith and confidence and DESIRE? " I will keep on growing and changing for the better."
Wow, I'm really impressed. My daughter Nadja has FASD as well and was just told that she will never be able to hold a regular job and should spend the next years or possibly the rest of her life at a sheltered workplace. I don't think she belongs there: she would lose the tiny bit of selfesteem that ist left and would really give up on herself. Olesya could be a good role model for her.
Hang in there. You are doing a fantastic job.
Helen from Germany
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