Held in Tension

Our pastor offered us a remarkable illustration this morning during her sermon, one that will stick with me for quite awhile.  She was speaking about the tension that can arise when people are in disagreement with one another, and used a rubber band held in tension as an example.  Continuing on with her sermon, she pointed out that the more we avoid dealing with those we are in conflict with, the stronger the internal tension we feel.  Then, illustrating how the tension dissipates when we actually reconcile with one another, she slowly allowed the rubber band to come together, relaxed and at ease.

It sounds simple, doesn't it?  I mean, shouldn't we ALL get this?  And yet, how many times do we avoid someone we don't want to deal with?  How many opportunities have we had to restore harmony to a relationship and elected to ignore it...and find that it causes more stress as we feel that anxiety creep in even in anticipation of seeing someone?

In some ways, it is sort of like the dread we feel at a task that is awaiting our attention, that we put off and put off and put off.  The amount of energy invested in ignoring the task is far more than what it would take to get it done and off our plate!

Listening today, I had two important revelations.  Long ago I made a conscious choice that I would never live in tension with others, and that I would do my best to remedy the relationship whenever possible.  I saw the wisdom in the old phrase about not letting someone else's actions determine my response.  I will act as lovingly as possible, even if you are uncomfortable with that.  I will not avoid you if you are angry with me,  and I will take reasonable action to explain myself and make an honest attempt at reconciliation, however, I will not pursue you either.  

Sadly, of course, sometimes that is not possible because not everyone is willing to sit across from you to talk things out.  Often, others prefer to walk around on a low simmer, and seem to thrive on conflict.  There is little one can do in these situations but accept where the other person is, inwardly wish them peace, and move on.  If they continue to avoid you, if they are uncomfortable in your presence, just continue to act in love and don't let their anger or discomfort turn you into someone you truly don't want to be.

I was recently quite impressed with someone who had said something he thought had possibly offended me.  This dear, dear man had pondered this for an entire week and it left him feeling deeply concerned.  He immediately approached me the very next opportunity we had, apologized and I briefly reassured him that no offence had been taken whatsoever, and our relationship was immediately restored.  Many a less mature individual would have avoided me completely, never having the chance to learn there was no reason for his unease.  This single act endeared me to him even more, and we will no doubt be friends for many years to come, because I now trust even more that we can be truly open with one another, and will walk alongside each other in care and concern, never letting something come between us.

The second revelation I had was one that seems to tie into the deep learning God has grounded me with this past year, and it sneaked up and surprised me during worship.  I realized that while I can ably relieve the tension in other relationships with capable partners, the person who I am least adept at working through conflict with is...myself.

Now why is that?  Why is it that I can fully meet others where they are at, can see their perspective and grant grace, but I am pretty hopeless at doing it with myself?  Instead, I avoid dealing with my inner most wounds, and seem unable to apply to myself the valuable tools of reconciliation I have learned and used with others.

However, as I sat there in a contemplative mood, I realized something important...that example of the rubber band that was meant to be about external relationship, but that I was seeing as internal, was really about the eternal battle we ALL have with self.  ALL who want to bring goodness and light into the world fight a constant battle to not give in to the world's siren call.  The rubber band is our faith, stretched taught, sometimes achingly so, as we maneuver through the minefield that this life can be.  That stinging piece of rubber is the illustration of the battle between or lesser and better selves, of choices we make to allow darkness to remain or to be the bringers of light.

It isn't really at all about others intervening, causing us to make poor choices. That rubber band which is our faith is tugged at daily solely by our inner self and our decisions.  There is no one to blame, no "devil made me do it", no finger pointing outward.  There are only our better and lesser selves, and our faith holding both in tension.  If we let go of either side, if we give in to light or dark, the tension recedes, and there is a winner.

And that "snap" we all know far too well as the tensions sometimes "win" and forces one side to resignedly give in is a very painful experience, with no true winners, just a welt that often takes a very long time to go away.

We all have to be willing to work toward easing those two opposing sides of the rubber band as they come closer, the forces of physics at play as strongly as the forces of faith.

Light and dark, push and pull...these are the things of faith and of life.