The girls are outside playing for a bit, I am sitting here typing because I need to "put this" someplace and need prayer.
We are making orange rolls together, Matthew is gone with Mr. Steve and we are alone, relaxed and working together kneading the dough, working the flour in gently, side by side the 3 of us.
Angela, speaks, not looking at me...
"Mama Petropavlovsk bad, bad mama..."
I, stupidly thinking she is talking about one of the orphanage mamas say "Which one?"
She gets a look of horror on her face thinking I have made an incorrect assumption that she is talking about me and says "Nyet you Mama!! No no! My Mama Petropavlovsk!"
I point to my tummy and say "Your first Mama?"
We go back to working quietly, Olesya saying nothing and apparently oblivious to the meaning.
Again Angela says "Petropavlovsk Mama bad...America Mama good, good Mama".
She then adds with hesitation and stuttering "Babushka...Petropavlovsk good Babushka, Mama bad..." then she points to the butter knife on the counter, picks it up and with a stabbing motion says "Mama...uh...Babushka".
She looks at me, will I accept this knowledge? Will I be able to handle it? What do I think of her because she comes from this? All is unspoken yet somehow understood as she stares in my eyes over Olesya's head.
I stop, I look at her...
"I am balshoi sorry, Angela...big...big sorry."
She continues to look at me, one of the few straightforward gazes we have yet had...
"It's OK" she says.
"I love you" I say.
"Da" she responds, head down. Then adds again for effect...
"America Mama good Mama."
Not often that the average homemaker discusses the murder of her child's grandmother haltingly over the making of a sweet role.
God, please give me wisdom, I need it now more than ever. Give me insight, give me the words when needed and the intuition to know when words would merely get in the way.
Thank you for the blessing of Angela and Olesya, let me be worthy to mother them the way they deserve to be mothered. Thank you that she felt safe enough to open up so soon, despite her fears. Thanks for Matthew,Josh and Kenny paving the way for these moments.
We have so, so much ahead.