Friday, February 20, 2009

One Step Closer

WE DID IT!!! Dominick took off for Denver at 3:00 AM yesterday and did the 10 hour round trip in record time. Today, we now know it was worth it, where yesterday we were uncertain if it would make a difference.

I created a quick blog post at work today (3 sentences, gotta be my shortest ever!) to let everyone know that our document arrived by the deadline, so our dossier was packaged and sent to the Embassy today. When I got home and turned on the laptop several hours later, I discovered that my post didn't appear on the blog! Sorry about that, and thanks SO MUCH to all who emailed, called, visited and prayed.

I know this was not a life or death situation, and two months delayed in the grand scheme of things is not horrible, but at this stage I will admit to being on my last leg. I am tired, so very tired on this journey. It has been terribly long, heartbreakingly up and down, and I want it to be done. I want my family completed, I don't want to live another year in some stage of adoption limbo.

Mainly, I want to put my head on my pillow every night and know my children are all safe and sound, tucked in bed down the hall. I don't want to think of them being hungry or cold, unwanted or unloved.

Today, maybe we actually came one step closer.

We still have a long wait ahead of us, many more hoops to jump through. Most of the time, I am really at peace with everything. You can't really walk around for such an extended period of time in a state of wistful anticipation. It creeps in at moments, but then it departs. For that, I am grateful.

I am also grateful to you, my readers, who have lifted me up when I needed it, and encouraged me in many ways. Thank you for your kind words, for the emails early this morning letting me know you were thinking about us.

I was visiting with a wise, dear friend yesterday afternoon who stopped by just because he learned of our dilemma and he cared. We talked about the blog, and I said that at times I have had second thoughts about our lives being so public. 2 years ago, as we began our adoption process for Kenny, I never imagined anyone would read it. It was not written for public consumption really, although of course I figured a few of my long time adoption friends might follow along. But we wanted our extended family who all live in far flung states to be able to keep up with us if they wanted to. I also really wanted a journal for the boys.

By the time I realized what was happening, that people I have never met and likely never will meet were faithfully reading on a regular basis, it felt like it was too late. I couldn't go back and rename our family using pseudonyms as so many would have been pointless as so many already knew us by then, from either the blog or my online postings in various adoption groups I participate in. So I elected to keep on going as I had started, to remind myself who my main audience teenaged sons someday.

As my friend pointed out, it is the "real life" content which makes it all authentic. What you see on this blog is as real as it gets. I know sometimes it sounds a little overly happy, a little too lovey dovey maybe. But it IS our real life, or at least it is our life as we see it. No, we don't have 5 pairs of rose colored glasses with which to view things. We just have love tinted ones.

I have tried to be honest about the struggles, the challenges, the down sides. When things have been less-than-wonderful with Kenny's adjustment into our family, I have tried to openly write about it. When sharing about Josh's attachment disorder and our ongoing moments of pain with that, I tell you all about it. It is my hope that this honesty will help someone along the way, that it will help you feel less alone during those endless nights with a screaming child who won't let you hold them, or when you find yourself wanting to beat your head against the wall with your older adopted child because they JUST DON'T GET IT...yet.

What I never expected though, was just what I would get out of this blogging relationship, heck I never even considered it a possible "relationship"!! I never expected to have anyone actually CARE about us because of what they have read, never expected anyone to go out of their way to email if I hadn't written in a few days to say " guys all ok over there?", and back long before Kenny came home I never ever expected that your support would carry me through yet another adoption.

I know there are many of you who read the blog and have never commented or emailed. When I happen to check the blog stats I see the same cities repeatedly, places where someone has sat down at a computer and looked us up to catch up on our lives. And I smile. We may never meet, even via email, but you know all about my life. Good or bad, right or wrong, you know me. Hopefully those few who read the blog who know me in "real life" would tell you that the person reflected in these blog pages is the Real Deal, that I am not presenting a "front" so that you might view me in a certain way.

You might agree with me sometimes or disagree, you might laugh at our family or read about us with disdain. Somehow though, we have formed an odd little community here, which you all showed so overwhelmingly with the LaJoy Christmas Challenge this past Thanksgiving. It is my hope that you turn away from your computer screen after reading our blog feeling uplifted, enlightened...or even enraged. I may never really understand what it is that keeps you coming back day in and day out, but I am glad you do and I am grateful. You may not need me, but with every stutter step we take these days I realize I need you, my readers, my supporters, my encouragers.

Thank you. Together we are one step closer.


Anonymous said...

I am grateful for the good news!

Thanks be to God.

Peggy in Virginia

Betsy said...

Cindy, I am a faithful reader who has never commented or e-mailed! Your perspective and honesty has helped me to be a more educated adoptive parent. Although we have adopted a baby, I feel more prepared and aware of some of the conversations we will likely have someday. Thank you for being so candid with your life and for showing what it means to be a Christian parent in today's world.

Joyce said...

Im so glad that you met your deadline. And hoping that the girls are closer to coming home. You write about the 2 month wait or delay that can occur and my heart goes with you - my boy was in foster care and even here it hurt each time the 'system' delayed us even more. He was ready, I was ready, his foster family was ready but just the paperwork wasnt.
Hugs to you all,
And celebrate today.
Safe travels Dominick


Shannon said...

I knew you'd do it!

smctiver said...

Hi Cindy,

I'm so glad that your document made the deadline! The paperwork the waiting are a very aggravating part of the process. I hope that your wait is SHORT!!!

Anonymous said...

Hi Cindy,

Well done!!!
One step closer to your girls!!!

Best wishes,

Anonymous said...

Yahoo! Yipee! I can imagine Dominick literally jumping over hurdles, chairs, people, dogs, whatever was in the way to get the papers where they needed to be. Hooray! I can only imagine the joy you must have felt when you realized you made it work! Good for you, my dear friends. Also, please tell the boys how absolutely wonderful it was to dine with them the other day and have a "throne." How I deserved that I'll never know. I hate sounding so ....I don't know what...because I know you just see yourselves as "regular" people but it is with awe that I watch you with your boys. You really do parent with consistency,love,logic learning and direction. A LaJoy reality show would really be beneficial to all parents to see just how it is done. My kids are grown and are great! I think I did okay with them but I wish I could have spent a few days watching you during those earlier years. I have no reason to build you up or make you look like a saint ARE good at the parenting thing, girlfriend!! (and Dominick too of course!!!) It's just the truth! Love ya' lots! Love to the boys! Thanks so much for my special lunch! Miss Joan XOXOXOXO

Hilary Marquis said...

So you see those mountains starting to move? I told you, paper work is not a big deal to God :) I am so happy that you got it there without the weather holding you up, or an office with an attitude, or a fed ex mix up. The kids have been praying for the girls...the way Mia and Anara pronounce their names is darling!

Lori said...

I never doubted for a SECOND....not only does prayer work, but as I've often read and believe...never underestimate the power of a praying woman. Or a praying mother. EVER. YEAH!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Mazel Tov! Congrats and forgive any typos here are my fingers are crossed that the next leg goes swiftly and without problems. I figure with 5 kids at home the blog is bound to be awe inspiring!
Thanks for sharing,
Kim in Seoul

Dee said...

YAY! I am so tickled y'all are closer to getting those girls home! Every time I see them in photos I say another prayer they will soon be home. I'm continuing to pray...

Kim said...

Hurray! So glad that you made the deadline. I often think of your family and of your girls waiting for, not knowing if they will ever have parents to come for them. Your family is often in my prayers.

I just wanted to stop in and leave a comment because I rarely ever have, but I wanted you to know that I too am out here cheering you all on in this journey. (I don't think I even show up in your stat counter since I rarely actually visit the blog, as I read your posts in a reader)

Ohiomom2121 said...

Dear Cindy,
You cheer me on in so many ways, and I pray so often for your success. As you round the corner toward getting your girls, I hope you will show us what parenting older adoptive girls looks like. For us, Azerbaijan has become a morass, no success in sight, and our referral, who was age 5 when we fell in love with her picture, turned 8 this month. Our stuff all expires in April, and there doesn't seem to be much reason to extend it (again). If the program won't open, we can't adopt, so why spend money for nothing? We have 4 beautiful sons, but why God laid it on our hearts to adopt 2 girls, only to have the whole thing fall apart after $20K and 3 years is hard to fathom. We continue to hope, but DH has a new liver issue and my 13 year job terminated, with a new business that eats 80 hours per week to keep us solvent. One referral was a fraud, having been adopted out before we were given her photo, something we only learned a year later. That leaves Roza, who haunts us, and we cannot leave her behind even as we fear how old she has become. That's where you come in, to reassure us about older child adoption, something we did not contemplate but now can't avoid. It will be 2010, probably, assuming our health and lifestyle permit, and assuming we can find her if she changes orphanages (another family literally couldn't find their referral). Your words are so inspirational and I cling to them as we wait. I feel your pain in waiting, and rejoice when yours ends, even as ours has no end in sight. You don't know what a blessing you are to folks like me, who just need a beacon of hope and a taste of what we may yet be able to experience. Sherry