One Step Closer

WE DID IT!!! Dominick took off for Denver at 3:00 AM yesterday and did the 10 hour round trip in record time. Today, we now know it was worth it, where yesterday we were uncertain if it would make a difference.

I created a quick blog post at work today (3 sentences, gotta be my shortest ever!) to let everyone know that our document arrived by the deadline, so our dossier was packaged and sent to the Embassy today. When I got home and turned on the laptop several hours later, I discovered that my post didn't appear on the blog! Sorry about that, and thanks SO MUCH to all who emailed, called, visited and prayed.

I know this was not a life or death situation, and two months delayed in the grand scheme of things is not horrible, but at this stage I will admit to being on my last leg. I am tired, so very tired on this journey. It has been terribly long, heartbreakingly up and down, and I want it to be done. I want my family completed, I don't want to live another year in some stage of adoption limbo.

Mainly, I want to put my head on my pillow every night and know my children are all safe and sound, tucked in bed down the hall. I don't want to think of them being hungry or cold, unwanted or unloved.

Today, maybe we actually came one step closer.

We still have a long wait ahead of us, many more hoops to jump through. Most of the time, I am really at peace with everything. You can't really walk around for such an extended period of time in a state of wistful anticipation. It creeps in at moments, but then it departs. For that, I am grateful.

I am also grateful to you, my readers, who have lifted me up when I needed it, and encouraged me in many ways. Thank you for your kind words, for the emails early this morning letting me know you were thinking about us.

I was visiting with a wise, dear friend yesterday afternoon who stopped by just because he learned of our dilemma and he cared. We talked about the blog, and I said that at times I have had second thoughts about our lives being so public. 2 years ago, as we began our adoption process for Kenny, I never imagined anyone would read it. It was not written for public consumption really, although of course I figured a few of my long time adoption friends might follow along. But we wanted our extended family who all live in far flung states to be able to keep up with us if they wanted to. I also really wanted a journal for the boys.

By the time I realized what was happening, that people I have never met and likely never will meet were faithfully reading on a regular basis, it felt like it was too late. I couldn't go back and rename our family using pseudonyms as so many do...it would have been pointless as so many already knew us by then, from either the blog or my online postings in various adoption groups I participate in. So I elected to keep on going as I had started, to remind myself who my main audience was...my teenaged sons someday.

As my friend pointed out, it is the "real life" content which makes it all authentic. What you see on this blog is as real as it gets. I know sometimes it sounds a little overly happy, a little too lovey dovey maybe. But it IS our real life, or at least it is our life as we see it. No, we don't have 5 pairs of rose colored glasses with which to view things. We just have love tinted ones.

I have tried to be honest about the struggles, the challenges, the down sides. When things have been less-than-wonderful with Kenny's adjustment into our family, I have tried to openly write about it. When sharing about Josh's attachment disorder and our ongoing moments of pain with that, I tell you all about it. It is my hope that this honesty will help someone along the way, that it will help you feel less alone during those endless nights with a screaming child who won't let you hold them, or when you find yourself wanting to beat your head against the wall with your older adopted child because they JUST DON'T GET IT...yet.

What I never expected though, was just what I would get out of this blogging relationship, heck I never even considered it a possible "relationship"!! I never expected to have anyone actually CARE about us because of what they have read, never expected anyone to go out of their way to email if I hadn't written in a few days to say "Hey....you guys all ok over there?", and back long before Kenny came home I never ever expected that your support would carry me through yet another adoption.

I know there are many of you who read the blog and have never commented or emailed. When I happen to check the blog stats I see the same cities repeatedly, places where someone has sat down at a computer and looked us up to catch up on our lives. And I smile. We may never meet, even via email, but you know all about my life. Good or bad, right or wrong, you know me. Hopefully those few who read the blog who know me in "real life" would tell you that the person reflected in these blog pages is the Real Deal, that I am not presenting a "front" so that you might view me in a certain way.

You might agree with me sometimes or disagree, you might laugh at our family or read about us with disdain. Somehow though, we have formed an odd little community here, which you all showed so overwhelmingly with the LaJoy Christmas Challenge this past Thanksgiving. It is my hope that you turn away from your computer screen after reading our blog feeling uplifted, enlightened...or even enraged. I may never really understand what it is that keeps you coming back day in and day out, but I am glad you do and I am grateful. You may not need me, but with every stutter step we take these days I realize I need you, my readers, my supporters, my encouragers.

Thank you. Together we are one step closer.