Saturday, March 31, 2012

Waiting on Me

I know that many of you might not prefer my more "churchy" posts...or my more "adoptiony" posts...or my more "homeschooly" posts...or maybe even ANY of my posts! Hahaha!  But sometimes this is the place where I work things out, or where I write what is on my heart even if it is of no interest to anyone but me.  If you get something from it, terrific!  If not, then I am sorry, come visit another day when your preferred topic is on the table :-)

There are a lot of things in our lives right now which are in limbo, or are obviously headed for change.  Our church family is facing what many congregations are right now with the economy and trying to figure out which direction God is leading us in to meet the challenges.  You know how dearly we love our faith community, so this is very important to us right now.

The economy is effecting us at home as well, and we are working hard and praying hard on that front as we await word about whether we will have to look in other directions for part of our livelihood.

Our children are continually failing to "stay put" at any given stage and we are rushing headlong into the teen years while still trying to make up for lost early years...a combination that often leaves my head spinning and trying to figure out just where any particular child is at any given time.  This is a much harder task than it might at first seem when you have almost 14 year olds still begging not to give up the Playdough to the church rummage sale, or who one minute are deeply involved in a conversation about geopolitical turmoil and the next are making blanket forts and pretending to be a super hero.  And of course, there is the fact that we have 4 kids a year and 4 months apart in age, all entering adolescence at the same time.  I am not complaining, honestly, for we have it so very easy and I LOVE who they are becoming, but it is a lot of burgeoning awareness about a lot of things in the world, leading to incredible conversations that make me think harder to communicate than most folks do.  English level is amazing around here for 2 years home, but it still is a challenge and will be for a couple more years.

There has been something helpful though over the course of the past several stressful weeks.  Carrie DeLille, who is Kenny's friend Amir's waiting Mom (Amir is STILL in Kyrgyzstan waiting to come home where he belongs!), gave me a wonderful devotional book when we visited last summer, titled "Jesus Calling, Enjoying Peace in His Presence".  Now, those of you who know me in real life might not see me as the "devotional" type...I take my faith very seriously, as you all know, but I am a bit atypical in many regards.  However, I have so loved this and it is as if every single day God somehow knows exactly what I need, so Jesus sort of talks to me through this each morning.  You know, over corn flakes or maybe late at night in my bed for a quick "hit" before I nod off to sleep.

The devotional for March 26th was so apropos for where I am  right now, and it reminded me of how we have come to live our life together in our family, what we are trying to model for the kids, and really it is the only thing that gets me through...but I am not talented enough to word it this way.  When I think back, particularly over the past 15 years or so since moving to Colorado, gradually this way of viewing the world has become richer and richer over time and it actually has brought me peace when I walk this way and don't start heading into thinking I actually "run the show".  Let me share it with you here:

Waiting on Me means directing your attention to Me in hopeful anticipation of what I will do.  It entails trusting Me with every fiber of your being, instead of trying to figure things out yourself.  Waiting on Me is the way I designed you to live: all day, every day.  I created you to stay conscious of Me as you go about your daily duties.

I have promised many blessings to those who wait on Me: renewed strength, living above one's circumstances, resurgence of hope, awareness of My continual Presence.  Waiting on Me enables you to glorify Me be living in deep dependence on Me, ready to do My will.  It also helps you to enjoy Me; in My Presence is fullness of Joy.

The very first line is my life, corny though it may sound to you.  I try very, very hard to wait for God to clue me in. Normally, I am an impatient person.  I think fast, I talk fast, I decide fast.  I have a very strong sense of direction in life, and I size situations up at an unnaturally quick pace.  I seldom live in limbo unless forced, not because I jump without forethought, but because usually I assess well enough to trust any moves I make, and once I have a sense of direction, I see no reason to hesitate.

There are situations though, when you have no choice but to wait because the way forward is simply not clear.  There are times when you have no business rushing into anything, unless you want to make a huge mess of it, and you need to sit quietly and wait to hear what God has to say about whatever is ahead of you. I don't know how any of this works for others, but there are times when I am absolutely, completely blown away by how obvious it is that God wants me to walk in a certain direction.  I have been stunned time and time again, when doubts arise, to have God find ways to reassure me that are so loud and clear that you'd swear a bull horn was next to my ear!!

Most often, I find this kind of awesome experience happens when I have been willing to do things I flat out didn't want to do or never saw myself doing, but God did...and I trusted in that alone.  Sometimes I have gone kicking and screaming like a spoiled toddler into something...homeschooling, leadership roles, or even writing a specific post or taking a stand...and it is in those very activities that feel completely God-led and filled with Cindy-dread that I most often encounter the Holy.  And WOW, is it ever totally worth it.

So I guess we will remain waiting on God, waiting for direction, waiting before jumping.  I won't say I am not fearful sometimes, for surely I am.  But at least I am learning not be terrified every moment of the day, I am getting better and better at "...directing your attention to Me in hopeful anticipation of what I will do."

Because what God will do will far surpass anything I might be able to envision.  As this season of Lent winds down, we await New Life.  God says "Wait on Me, Wait on Me, Wait on Me..." and you'll witness something transformative.

Wait on Me...

Ok, God.  I'm waiting.


Dee said...

Wonderful post, Cindy. Like you, I am so impatient, but if I say to myself over and over "Use me as you will Lord, I am handing YOU the controls," my day always goes better. So true, yet so hard to do sometimes.

Sending prayers your way.

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh, Cindy, my sister sent me the same devotional book last June and I love it. I have thought many times (and never did it) that I wanted to send this book to you. It has been amazing to me that somehow reading the words written for that day have really helped me get through the day! Or at least I start out the day with hopefulness, and faith. I just feel some peace in the daily reminders....I try to let go.....and trust. There are busy days when I forget to read it before I leave the house and I will say, "Darn," as I am driving to work. Thanks for all that you share! Miss and love all you LaJoys!
Miss Joan