Friday, June 19, 2009

Looking for a Little Sunshine!

Well folks, turns out is was pneumonia. So I am spending the weekend doing absolutely nothing, popping pills and resting. The medications are already helping and I am hoping I will be in top form by next week. Seems I find myself fighting this stuff every 6 months, like clockwork, and my history of allergy and asthma problems exacerbate it and make me quite susceptible to having a plain old ordinary cold turn into something quite difficult to shake. I HATE being down for the count like this, it is hard for me to simply stop, but I am slowly learning to be better at it.

As you can see, the downtime has finally allowed me to work on changing the blog layout...and I apologize for the imbalanced look at the moment. I do not know HTML so I am struggling to figure out how to fix the margins. If anyone out there has any clue, I'd sure appreciate the help! I kind of like the new layout and colors, it's a tad bit more "girlie" without being TOO girlie :-) In time I will add more to it, and I still want to tag/label all my old posts...but at over 400 of them that might never get accomplished...unless the pneumonia sticks around far longer than it should! Haha! I think it might be helpful to some though to find RAD, Older Child Issues, etc as right now they are buried in the blog. I never did it way back when I started the blog as I NEVER imagined writing it this long!

I also need to get started working with Matthew and Kenny on their blogs! Yes, eventually the boys will each have their own blog. We will use it as a tool for writing assignments for school when we finally travel to Kazakhstan. I am not sure how successful we will be with Kenny writing one, we will give it a shot and see how he does with it. I think it will be fascinating to read what each of them has to say about their experiences over there, and it might give our readers some insight into an adopted child's thoughts as they return to their birth country. I have no idea how "literary" it will be, but since it will be part of their schoolwork they will have to do their best. And I also think it will be a wonderful journal for them to go back and read someday when they are older. Who knows, we might even set one up for Joshie and have him dictate what he would like to say! We will certainly have plenty of downtime while traveling, so we should be able to do pretty well with it if we make it a priority to stick with it.

It has been a very interesting and unsettling couple of weeks around our house, lots of things happening that I am not really at liberty to share at the moment but which are causing Dominick and I to look deeply at God's guidance in our lives, ascertaining directions to turn and where we will be in a few months. I realized too just how much I have pulled back in terms of living for the adoption, I am going through the motions of doing whatever is required but nothing feels imminent, there is definitely a wall up right now and emotions are quite guarded. We have done absolutely nothing to prepare really, other than paperwork. It has been hard to start letting go a little at a time as I WANT to get excited, I WANT to be at the stage where we can talk about it again with joy and anticipation, I WANT to be DOING something to prepare....I WANT TO NEST!!! But for some reason, I just can't get there yet...can't allow myself to let go. I keep thinking that I will put so much distance between us and our long-hoped for reality, that one day I will wake up and get "the call" and scream in utter panic thinking to myself "How could you do this??? You have had 2 1/2 years, for goodness sake!!".

Oh how I wish that actually WOULD happen.

In the meantime, we methodically attack things that we know need to be done...still working on Matthew's passport and paperwork is on it's way to our friend, Ayana, in Astana. Need to get Kenny's US passport. Waiting for that new FBI background check to replace the expired one. Busy work, but all necessary. What I really want to be doing is calling for airline reservations, I want suitcases spread all over the floor...I want GIRLIE things (oh my gosh, did I REALLY say that???) to be bought!!

All in God's time, right? It's clear it will happen, I keep reminding myself when anxiety arises, it's been made known over and over again so I just need to sit back and not stress over it.


But I will tell you, the day we get the call, you will see the most excited, over the top, glee filled post you have ever read!!

With that, I am off to rest, to pop more pills, to hopefully find myself feeling more human with each passing hour. In the meantime, here is a little sunshine for you all...sunshine and rainbows, man, here's looking for a little more! Even if you don't need it, I do!!


Lindsay said...

Love the new look - sorry it took pneumonia to give you the time to do it, and hope you feel better soon.

What a great idea having the boys blog their trip too. That is a really fantastic idea.

And really, really hoping that soon we all get to see you wondering how you can get everything ready in time before you travel! Praying for all of you that it doesn't take much longer.

Ann said...

Hi Cindy. Oh man just checking in on some downtime. I am sorry to hear you are not feeling well. Sending you prayers for a quick recovery.

I second the motion of loving the idea of the kids starting a blog. What an awesome way to catch their thoughts and feelings for their schoolwork, other readers (like me LOL another two blogs to stalk would be awesome)

And believe me... you are not alone in the wanting to nest but just can't. The baby room at our house has become a catch all and right now a little girl would get lost amongst the "stuff" that has accumulated in there. But just can't bring myself to walk in and actually clean it and make it ready. Did that at least three times now and every time I get a bit more sad as the clothing that has been bought becomes outgrown before worn. Prayers for miracles, news and girlie stuff all around!!!

Joyce said...

Hi Cindy
I totally love the new look - its so fresh looking.
And I would also love to read your boys blogs when they get up and running.

Wishing you strength and encouragement and rest in God's loving Hand.


Matt and Pam Bean said...

I sincerely hope you get to feeling better soon! All will look brighter next week.

Praying for your family,
Matt and Pam

Bob; Carrie DeLille said...

Here's hoping the Joy in LaJoy is back soon with big news of a trip to K'stan!!

Lori said...

Boy, just a few days of being pretty computerless leave lots to catch up on! I love the new layout and am also sad it took pneumonia to get there...I am exactly like you with my allergies and asthma. Most people get colds and they go away. I get a cold, which turns into a sinus infection, which turns into bronchitis, which turns into pneumonia. It stinks. I finished my antibiotics and still sound pretty Marge Simpsonish, but think I may have escaped your fate this time. Take LOTS of good care, don't do too many stairs or laundry (really--lifting and carrying loads is not good for your respiratory system, says my wonderful allergist!) and get plenty of rest, even after you start feeling takes a while.

Branderblog said...

I'm Rhonda from Illinois, and was given your blog address by a friend of a friend who was sharing about struggles with our son Ben who is adopted from Russia. He isnt diagnosed with any attachment disorders...but we still have struggles wondering if we are getting to his heart. We are a christian family, and 5 kids as well. Caila 15 bio, Nick 13 bio, Ben almost 12 Russia, Maren 11 bio and Eliana 15 months China. I completely relate to your 5 kids comments...I have even had strangers ask me if I knew what I was doing...I just smile and say absolutely! I cant wait to hear about your girls!