Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Picking Myself Up from the Doldrums!

The blog has been quiet this past week, too quiet I guess as I received a few emails yesterday asking "Where are you? Are you OK?"! Yes, I am fine, all is well...so tell me please why I feel so down?

I spent yesterday working on redoing dossier docs for the adoption, which will take another few days to complete. With any luck, it will be the last time we have to redo them, but Lady Luck may not be going our way this month. You ever have one of those days where simply every single thing you attempt to do is a struggle? That was my day yesterday...printer wasn't working, email wasn't received, documents weren't cooperating, locked myself out of the house, learned Kenny's surgery may have to be put off until summer, and finally decided to end the day early and went to bed when the boys went to bed!

I don't know why I have a case of the doldrums...but I do. Nothing (other than yesterday's fiasco) is going all that wrong, but I seem to have pulled into myself a bit, which is highly unusual for me. I feel a bit like a turtle, who has a strong desire to tuck my head inside my shell and remain there for a bit. I didn't answer email for a few days, we all decided to stay home from church this Sunday just to be together without having to run around somewhere, I have sat in front of the computer trying to blog two or three different times, but nothing of any significance would come out, so I gave up.

Perhaps it is the strangeness of this winter season, maybe it is unsettling me a bit. We have had unusual weather here the past couple of weeks, it has been almost spring like with temps in the 40's, snow melting quickly and a dash of "mud season" upon us. We finally had a good dumping of snow last night and it feels as if winter has returned. Or maybe it is that ski season and business has been sporadic at best for us at the restaurants, the impact of the economy hitting us smack in the face. It was expected, but makes for odd schedules and weekly adjustments. It is at times like these when I feel even more blessed to have the employees we have, who are understanding and always give their best.

Joshie cried out in his sleep the other night, something about "Don't change my mommy, I like her the way she is!". When he awoke the next morning, he had no recollection of it and couldn't explain it at all. When he awoke me that night with his cry I could not go back to sleep. I always worry about Joshie and the impact many things have on him. I have this great often unexpressed fear that something will happen to me before he is fully grown...and I mean well into his 20's... and all our hard work with him to help him heal from his attachment issues will fall by the wayside. If something happened to Dominick, he would be devastated, but as Dominick and I have both discussed it could completely crush Josh if I were to disappear from his life and that is a weight I carry around with me constantly.

I do know one thing that has been subtly disturbing for me, and it may seem silly but it is true. We were told we needed to take a photo of the girls' bedroom, which has sat silently in it's blue walled glory since we moved the boys to the larger room. It has been an empty room which has become grounds for a slot car race track, a storage facility for a couple of boxes if kindly offered donated girls clothing, a room containing blanket forts on many ocassions, and most importantly a container of hopes not yet realized.

So Sunday Dominick put together the beds we have bought for the small blue room and we will maneuver in a dresser or two for a photo. Afterwards, it will once again remain empty with the notable exception of 2 unadorned loft beds. Why haven't we painted walls a cheery yellow and pink? Why are we not jumping forward with great anticipation with purchasing girlie frilly things?

Because I just can't make myself do it yet. For all the confidence I have expressed in God's leading in this, I guess my faith is not yet as strong as I would like it to be. We are still months away from any sort of homecoming, and the thought of having to undo what we may have done prematurely is heartbreaking, and I can't seem to move forward until we hit an as-yet-to-be-determined stage where I feel more confidence in their ultimate arrival. This empty room which holds so many dreams and hopes for the future could also end up feeling like a mausoleum, containing the memories of lost children...and I simply can not imagine repainting those girlie yellow and pink walls and turning the room into an office.

It would hurt too much.

So it sits there, photo ready to at least prove we have space for them in our home, knowing full well that something else has room that has yet to be filled...a placemarker for 2 female types is holding open the door to our hearts.

And here sits a mommy who has to get off her duff and quit letting the winter doldrums nail my feet to the ground! There is so much to do, so many joys aside from adoption to wallow in, so much snow now to trudge through! One of my greatest joys this winter has been the CD of Taize music that a blog reader sent me, and it has surprised me that Dominick is now hooked as well! As I had anticipated, it is the PERFECT soundtrack to my daily treks to Gunnison, through God's majesty of canyons and wildlife.

There is much to be happy about, and I am going to be HAPPY about it, no matter what!!

Sorry this blog entry is so boring and uninspired. I'll try to do better next time :-)


Lenore Ryan said...

Boring and uninspired?? To the contrary!! This is what you're going through, what you're feeling and it's VERY real!! I'm sorry that you're struggling so, as you always appear to be such an upbeat person! You have so much going on in your life, both the good and the struggles, and I think you see both sides clearly. You are in my thoughts and prayers, Cindy, as you make it through this period of time that is more difficult for you! {{HUGS}} to you, my friend!

Anonymous said...

Hate to admit this, but I also got a, now we want a picture of the room, request.

I felt to jerked around by that time. It was yet another bring me the broom of the wicked witch moment. I had waited so long for this child I no longer needed a crib. No way did I feel like cleaning out that sad room and fixing it all up for a picture.

.....I took a picture of a room in my sisters house and sent it. It still makes me laugh when I think of it.

Dee said...

Oh Cindy, I hate that you are down! I understand it perfectly. It's so hard staying positive when you're in a "paper pregnancy" mode. BTDT, cried a lot.

Don't worry about the room looking perfect. Take photos of it and tell the girls when you see them they can help decorate it when they get home. They will be tickled.

Praying for you, hon!

Lindsay said...

I'm sorry you've been feeling down and unsettled, and hope you are on a upswing.

I totally get all the reasons why you can't face doing the room yet, but...

Do the room. Your Faith is there, and it is not smaller than your fear. If things were to go wrong - and I don't believe they will, but I understand your fear - you will not grieve less because you did not paint a room. Let the girls see a photograph of it ready and waiting for them. Give them the gift of your courage and certainty during the wait.

Prayers for you all,

Lori said...

Even when you feel uninspiring... your willingness to share that is a testament to your status as someone inspirational! So, embrace your status! :)

I certainly can't imagine how you are feeling as our sitations are a bit different, but I TOTALLY feel you on the room deal. And, I won't lie that I can't even LOOK in the direction of the door. The closed door to the cold room filled to the brim of those unrealized hopes and dreams. It sucks. BUT...the plan is out of my hands and people watch how I deal with it. So, I try to be graceful and understanding. Our Sunday School teacher reminded us this weekend that our lives should be a roadmap for others. And I've been trying to keep that close.

And your life being a roadmap--maybe you can take some comfort from the doldrums in that your roadmap is such a well-displayed one for so many of us. Thank you!

Raynola said...

Sorry to hear you're feeling down kiddo. It seems to be going around, I have been the same way. I usually post two or three times a week, but I have been struggling since before Christmas, I can't put my finger on it. It is the same for all of the blogs that I follow. I pray that it gets better for you.

Alethea said...

Hey--just a thought--maybe you shouldn't even paint that room till the girls are home--you know not ALL girls like pink and yellow, so you could look at it that you're waiting to let them choose their own color!

smctiver said...

I completely understand your feelings about the room for your girls. We have a shell of a room waiting for our boys from Uzbekistan. It's become somewhat of a storage room for stuff in transit to other keeping places. I am having a hard time getting motivated to do much of anything with it. Will I feel differently when we get a travel date for our first trip??? I am not sure, but I think it will feel more real by then. More certain, perhaps.

Anonymous has a different solution - one that makes me smile.

Tammy said...

The waiting sucks. There is no easy way through it. I'm not yet through it, although there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel. But the idea of going through the process with "grace and gratitude" is a myth, IMHO.

As for the room, I totally understand. I have found the nursery to be symbolic of how much hope I feel of the adoption actually taking place. Even now, as I am "securely" matched (whatever that means) with a birth mom in a domestic adoption, with a baby due in April, I still haven't been able to bring myself to put the finishing touches on the nursery. I'm not sure why either. I look at the nursery with hope and excitement but can't actually bring myself to start working on it.

Strange how the mind and emotions work, isn't it? I find it interesting that so many other people had said similar things. There something about *their* room that sets it apart from everything else we do to prepare for the adoption.

Anyways, good luck and my prayers are with you. The only thing to do is plow through it!