Sunday, January 18, 2009

Back in the Groove

It seems that when I let too much time go by without blogging, I have a hard time getting back in the if I can't think of anything to write about. The fact is, I never think anything I write is of enough importance that anyone would want to make it a point to drop by and read it!!!

It was a busy week, with Kenny and I traveling to Chicago throughout much of it for his visit to Shriner's Hospital. Yes, I left a balmy 40 degrees here in Montrose to go to a place where it felt like minus gazillion. And of course it warmed up in Chicago the day after we left. Kenny's appointment went well, and it appears we will be scheduling his first surgery for sometime next month. The MD's there will be doing a bone graft for his upper jaw at both places where the bilateral clefting occurred as well as a second attempt to close his palate. The first closure was done by a traveling medical team in Kyrgyzstan when he was younger, but a "fistula" appeared which is when the palate re-opens. We hope that this will be successful and that other more drastic measures will not have to be taken. Kenny's speech is at a standstill and will not improve any further without changing the structure of his mouth, so we are excited to be moving forward with this even though the emotional toll will be felt.

I was very pleased though that this was the first time that Kenny really seemed to trust me when I said that this visit would not hurt. He didn't once ask me about it or need to be reassured, which I take as real progress. Usually he asks me repeatedly "Momma, they going to hurt me?" so it was nice to see him relaxed about it. This next visit for surgery will likely be a whole different ball game and I anticipate a great deal of fear from him. I have been as honest as I could with every medical appointment, telling him with certainty if there will be pain involved or not, and I think that may be why he now trusts what we tell him.

We also had a great visit with our friends, who kindly put us up for the few days we were there and as usual treated us like royalty. With them, I always feel so secure and cared for, and knowing what we have ahead of us in the years to come it is so nice to know that their support is so close by while Kenny is undergoing the various medical procedures he will have. I also was reminded of just how very much we miss them, and of how much I have learned from my surrogate siblings through the years.

While literally in the air on our way there we heard from our adoption agency and there was a little unanticipated glitch with paperwork processing and after I returned home I learned it will now require us to put together a few more documents for our dossier and will mean a delay of perhaps a couple more months.

Coming on the heels of last weeks comments from our daughter-to-be, I feel more frustration now than I might have felt in the past. I am tired of feeling out of control, tired of waiting, tired of wondering if it will all fall apart, tired of feeling like I am living on the edge. I am also ever-so-tired of adoption paperwork. Ten years of continual dossiers, post-placement reports, re-adoption paperwork, invasive but necessary questions for homestudies about everything from our sex life to our family history to our parenting techniques...I want to be done with this stage of my life and feel like we can move from building our family to simply being a family.

But later in the day I felt more at peace with it all, or perhaps resigned is a better way of saying it. There is nothing that is going to stop us and if they asked us to get full length tattoos on our backs, I'd cringe and do it. If they asked us to run naked through Times Square, I'd do it. If they told me I had to copy the entire Webster's Dictionary by hand, I'd grab a pen and ream of paper. I am at the mercy of two beautiful faces staring back at me from the photo stuck on our fridge door, and I can't throw in the towel just because I am frustrated. Admitting that makes it easier to just do what is asked and not get exasperated as that will do no good anyway, even if my tone of voice during such phone calls reveals a little of the aggravation I am feeling. It does not good to kill the messenger, and sometimes it is hard to recognize that they too don't like making such phone calls anymore than we like getting them.

And people keep asking when we will be painting a bedroom pink...I can't explain that it doesn't yet feel "safe". And I can not imagine the pain of having to go back and repaint those pink walls to a neutral color should things fall through. Guess my trust in God isn't quite as strong as I wish it were, for many would have had the room done months ago and would sit in it quietly every night as they imagined a life that has not yet come to pass. I just can't make myself do it yet. In time though, in time...and when we do I will crack open a six pack of IBC root beer and PARTY DOWN!! hahahaha!

In the meantime, life continues to march forward and other events are tugging at my heart as well. I attended my first lay ministry classes last Saturday prior to leaving for Chicago, and I walked away feeling as if I was discovering a new dimension to myself. I have never before been so engaged in anything I was learning, and it quickly became clear that I was in the right place. I may not know why right now, and I have already had a difficult time explaining to a couple of people who looked at me like I was nuts to take this on at this time (or who knows, maybe ever!), but I am really trying to heed what I feel God wants for my life and sometimes we don't have all the answers immediately. I have had a hard time answering "why?" because I don't KNOW why yet. But I do trust that I eventually will have that answer.

Right now though, I have been feeling a little disconnected from the boys and I need to remedy that. Josh had a pretty hard time while I was gone, crying much of the first night saying he missed me and wanted me home. That surprised me a bit as we haven't had that for awhile, and it sometimes falls off my radar that we are likely to deal with those kinds of residual attachment issues for many years to come. Matthew just becomes more snugly after I have been gone, and we all had another camp out in our bedroom last night while I told a stupid story about all of us getting lost in a cave with a bunch of bats. I love our camp out nights as silly as it may seem, we all pray together, giggle together, talk a little as one by one we quietly drop off to sleep. Waking up in the middle of the night to see three little bodies sprawled all over the floor is a memory I will keep with me forever when they are teenagers staying out late and I worry about them. I hope we can find an adequate substitute for those softly whispered conversations, for I will miss them.

Tomorrow starts a new week, and Tuesday starts a new era in American politics. So much that is unknown lies ahead.


Lindsay said...

Sorry you're being delayed in bringing your girls home. Hope it can all be resolved without adding too much to their wait.

Glad Kenny's appointment went well. Is is possible for them to have him meet someone who has had a similar surgery so he can get some idea of what to expect?

Barb and Ken said...

Cindy, I love your poem and so agree with all it says. I truly feel Barrack will give his all, but we have to also. We Americans have to unite and ALL work together for the future of our children and the world.

I'm sorry you have to wait a little longer to bring those girls home. I'm glad things have been laid out for Kenny.

Life gets so hectic and such a trial sometimes, doesn't it.
Nana to 5
4 through International adoption