Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Pie Man is Coming To Town!

I am sorry we haven't been able to get it done, but our schedule since Dominick came home has been kind of busy, but we have determined that tomorrow is officially "Pie Day", and the kids are excited thinking of slamming us in the face tomorrow. I will post photos tomorrow night, with a bonus thrown in for good measure...maybe THREE bonuses, if you get my drift! Hahahaha! Yes, Mommy bought some extra supplies.

You don't really think I am going to let them escape, do you?????

The past few days I have found myself slipping into a bit of a rocky place, mentally speaking. I am not sure why, but I have a couple of ideas. I think the 20/20 special had a bigger impact on me than I would like to have allowed it to have. I guess there was really no way it couldn't have hit me hard unless I was a totally oblivious adopting parent, which I am not. I may be many things, but oblivious isn't one thing I would label myself with, at least not when it comes to this subject.

I have received many private emails about this, and I have read tons of comments about it in various online groups. Many of the comments have been pretty dismal, very negative and not at all encouraging. There are a few success stories out there, but I tend to think that those that are successful find themselves drifting away from the online groups as they no longer need the support once they get to a certain place post-adoption.

I have found myself questioning our choices this week, wondering why I think we would be the one family in how many hundreds who would end up with a happy outcome, wondering if I am turning a blind eye to the whole thing because of my own desires...and then moving to anger at myself for the lack of faith in what I feel was already firmly expressed to us by God. It becomes more about questioning my relationship and trust in Him than it does about a decision to adopt.

There are moments when I am absolutely certain I do not have a diamond encrusted pair of rose colored glasses, when I think about it more logically and see that we are as prepared as any parent in our position could be, that I can no longer consider ourselves inexperienced parents...but we would be with serious RAD issues with an older child. Infant RAD and older child RAD are completely different ball games. However, we are not wearing those rose colored glasses, nor any others at this stage. Nope, in fact it is more like we are squinting as we look squarely into the sun as we try to be as realistic as we possibly can be.

That may not be enough. Of course, you all know me well enough to know these thoughts aren't even close to stopping us...but I harbor secret fears once in awhile that what I saw portrayed on TV will be replayed in our own home. It might not have been as powerful to me if the girls shown on 20/20 had not been exactly the same age as our own, if they weren't also coming to us with a terrifying past to overcome.

And yet despite these very real worries that are taking up way too much brain time right now, there is NO WAY we are not going to proceed, for our faith has to take precedence over fear. I sometimes wonder if I am being incredibly naive to walk into this feeling relatively secure and safe (other than this week), if I am not any different from any other "oblivious parent" who is choosing not to see what can happen or not to hear what others have been through, and believe me they have been through hell and back.

I guess time will tell, and I promise to share as openly as I can on the blog what the realities are once we experience them. I will continue to pray that we are one of the few families for whom older international child adoption works splendidly...and if not then I pray that we have the resources and courage to do whatever needs to be done.

I am also struggling with a sense of disconnectedness spiritually, and have been left feeling pretty empty the past couple of weeks with the feeling growing stronger with each passing day. There has been no obvious reason for this sense of distance, it has just happened and is not a place I want to be in. It was only after a brief conversation tonight with someone who has come to know me very well that I had an epiphany of sorts and realized the fear might be deeper than about adoption. As I mentioned earlier in the week, I will be attending my first Retreat this weekend as I begin the Licensed Lay Ministry program. All of a sudden, I am finding myself questioning something else which I thought I had a solid understanding of, and wondering if I have a "call" to serve others in a spiritual leadership capacity of some sort at all. Or maybe, it is that I am still bucking that call a little bit, that I am uncomfortable with the whole concept and yet feeling I have no choice in this. Yea, I know we all have choices but I have no choice if I want to follow God's will for my life, and I am scared and uncertain and feeling very vulnerable from many directions right now.

Maybe I'll walk away from this weekend reconnected and reinvigorated, or maybe I will walk away asking myself "What were you thinking?". Regardless of the long term aspects of it all, my hope is that I will tap back into that place where I really need to be right now.

I was given a gift from this friend to take with me as a reminder of others who "have my back" and will support and nurture me when I need it. It was one of the single most thoughtful gestures I have ever received. It was a sweat shirt that had appliqued the word "Joy" on it in holiday material.

Remind me it will...of the joy I have in my life right now never to be taken for granted, of the joy of this wonderful season and its true meaning, of the joy I want to carry always in my heart even when it proves difficult. Who knows, I might need to lean on that joy an awful lot in the coming year...

and then again, it might just come our way without me even trying.

So good night, my friends. If you have a moment, send a little prayer our way. And I'll see you tomorrow with Pie in my Eye!!!

6 comments:

Dee said...

Cindy, despite hearing only positive things about Michael from several different sources before I went to Kaz, I was still fearful. I just tried not to think about it. It's a scary thing, adopting an older child. Getting two at once, who have big trauma in their histories, that's a daunting thing. I know you and Dominick will do fine, though. You are smart, experienced parents with great boys, and it will be fine. I am here for you, too!

Maybe the lay ministry thing is something you need to postpone, until the girls are home and things are more settled. Pray about it. You'll get direction, I know it.

Hugs,
Dee

Julie and John Wright said...

I did not get a chance to see the 20/20 show myself, but many of the things that I heard, I could have come close to with one of my own "Spirited " Child... if we followed her for a week, we could have put together 15 munits of "Trouble" to problem... Also we have seen that many of the troubles people talk about with international adoption, we find our frinds facing with in country adoption in Central Asia... I guess what I am trying to say is that wether international, Home , or Home grown, the potential is always there.... we have gone from miserable behavior that had me leaving for work at 4 in the morning ... just to get out of the house , to one of the most beautiful , caring , gental girls you could imagin.... In fact if we told anyone, they would not believe us.... Prayer and perserverience ......... in that order....

J-momma said...

cindy, i am in the exact same boat. i would really like to adopt a little boy we've been mentoring (age 7) but my husband is worried about the age and history he's had. but we've agreed to take him for a couple weekends to see how it goes (i guess that's the benefit of adopting through foster care). but i keep going back and forth between feeling "called by God" to feeling like i'd have to be completely crazy to even consider it. he has so so many medical and developmental issues and he's never lived in a family, except his birth family when he was a baby and he was neglected. he's been in hospitals and institutional settings since then. how's that for potential RAD?

sorry, i don't have any wisdom or advice. just that i feel ya'.

Rachel said...

I remember seeing this video in church and yes, I was bawling. Such a wonderful example of parenting. I believe this was also the man who had his hopes of having an athletic son were dashed once he was born. It was a struggle, but he soon realized this was God's plan and that he was going to be the best father he could be. I don't think it would be possible to love his son anymore.

Cindy, by simply realizing the potential for RAD and other issues, you are already doing your girls a great service. I will pray for a fairy tell ending, but also for peace and wisdom.

Shannon said...

I am speechless. Thank you so much for sharing!

Anonymous said...

Hi Cindy

I have been thinking of you guys a lot lately and understand where you're coming from.

Let me give you an update on our family over here. V has been home 2.5 years now - this was her third summer and third birthday with us... but really her first as a true member of this family. Prior to this year, she has been a resident in our house, not a daughter in our home. Not that she wasn't trying, she just couldn't let go of her fear and trust in us.
Well - she finally did it! After an extremely rocky start to the year, we now truly have a daughter in our home. She has chosen us now - 2.5 years after we chose her and at 10 years of age.
We know it's not over yet but we are in a completely new and wonderful place. It was hard and long, and we cried a lot - and it was all worth it.
Adopting an older child is often hard to put into words. Our kids come with entire 'other' lives. I never thought that being told "you're the best mum I ever had" would sound normal - you imagine your kid saying you're the best mum - not the best of 2 or 3 or sometimes more.
Anyway - I wanted you to hear some words of hope amidst all of the fear and sadness. Perhaps my idea of 'success' has changed a little over the last few years, but V is a true success story. I praise God for bringing us all together is His own time and way.
Take care,
Sharon.