Winds of Change

We have had a busy few days here, and I have had little time for blogging...baptisms and field trips and meetings and TaeKwonDo and soccer and other events have kept us on the run. In addition chaos reigns as we have begun moving things around to start tackling our painting projects.

Kenny's baptism was beautiful, and very meaningful for him as well as the rest of our family. I was asked by a couple of people if Kenny understood the significance of his baptism. I was so pleased to be able to respond that yes, he really did understand and already has his own relationship with God. This was due in large part to the missionaries that worked within his orphanage, and we are grateful to them for all they did. The things that come out of Kenny's mouth at unexpected moments concerning God and His love for us are quite surprising. The slide show I spoke of in my previous post turned out ok, and hopefully those present better understood what Kenny's life was like before he became a part of our family...and it was also my intent to thank all of those who have been so supportive and understanding of the ups and downs that we have experienced over the past couple of years. We had our friend Joan present as well, who drove over an hour to be with us, which was wonderful and made the day that much more special. There were other events that happened that day which are not mine to share, but which touched me to the core and on many levels. Overall, it was a pretty emotional day for our family.

Yesterday was spent on a field trip with Matthew's class, and visiting in the classrooms for both he and Kenny afterward. At 8 years old I would thoroughly expect that mom might be the last one desired in class, and yet Matthew quietly begged me to stay as long as I could. I love spending one on one time with each of the boys and whispering to Matthew as I sat next to him in class as they were discussing France was...well...fun. I love his insights, his depth, and I can easily see that were I his age he would be one of the kids I gravitated towards as he is easy to be with, non-judgmental, and very calm. It is also a joy to see his friends whom I have been working with on and off while volunteering, and to see how much they have matured and grown.

I was able to visit with Kenny while he was in his speech class, and I was so glad to have had the chance to do that...it was very obvious how much his speech has improved, however in every day conversation it is not as easy to discern. He tends to blend sounds and drop them as he concentrates on what he wants to say, but in speech therapy when sounds are isolated and tackeled one at a time it was quickly apparent that great progress has been made. It will be years before his speech is considered "normal", and much work needs to be done surgically before certain gains will even be possible. Overall though, I doubt anyone could have predicted just how well he has done in such a short period of time, and his pride was obvious as he kept looking at me while working with his teacher, an enormous "Kenny Grin" spread across his face.

There is so much going on right now, and along with our usual spring winds my soul feels disquieted. Perhaps it is all the changes going on around me, the uncertainty, the unknowns. One moment I am riding on a moment of joy and the next I am plodding through a field riddled with land mines, each with labels such as "Doubt", "Self-Pity", "Fear", "Isolation" and the ever present "Unworthy". It is stupid, I know, and yet I seem to find myself mired in muck more than usual lately, feeling unloved and unlovable at moments and not really sure where all of that is coming from. I have learned over the past few years to push through those feelings, to try and reach out to others, to not make assumptions about how others feel about me...and to not place too much importance on it at all in the first place. But I tend to be a people pleaser, and this is one of the hardest things of all for me to push aside. My feelings are hurt too easily sometimes, I take things too personally. I think I need a good dose of Grace at the moment, it is something I strive for and almost never achieve.

So I guess instead of wasting my day sitting here blogging, I had better get to work. We have Scouts and soccer on the agenda for today, and a gazillion pounds of laundry facing me!