Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Winds of Change

We have had a busy few days here, and I have had little time for blogging...baptisms and field trips and meetings and TaeKwonDo and soccer and other events have kept us on the run. In addition chaos reigns as we have begun moving things around to start tackling our painting projects.

Kenny's baptism was beautiful, and very meaningful for him as well as the rest of our family. I was asked by a couple of people if Kenny understood the significance of his baptism. I was so pleased to be able to respond that yes, he really did understand and already has his own relationship with God. This was due in large part to the missionaries that worked within his orphanage, and we are grateful to them for all they did. The things that come out of Kenny's mouth at unexpected moments concerning God and His love for us are quite surprising. The slide show I spoke of in my previous post turned out ok, and hopefully those present better understood what Kenny's life was like before he became a part of our family...and it was also my intent to thank all of those who have been so supportive and understanding of the ups and downs that we have experienced over the past couple of years. We had our friend Joan present as well, who drove over an hour to be with us, which was wonderful and made the day that much more special. There were other events that happened that day which are not mine to share, but which touched me to the core and on many levels. Overall, it was a pretty emotional day for our family.

Yesterday was spent on a field trip with Matthew's class, and visiting in the classrooms for both he and Kenny afterward. At 8 years old I would thoroughly expect that mom might be the last one desired in class, and yet Matthew quietly begged me to stay as long as I could. I love spending one on one time with each of the boys and whispering to Matthew as I sat next to him in class as they were discussing France was...well...fun. I love his insights, his depth, and I can easily see that were I his age he would be one of the kids I gravitated towards as he is easy to be with, non-judgmental, and very calm. It is also a joy to see his friends whom I have been working with on and off while volunteering, and to see how much they have matured and grown.

I was able to visit with Kenny while he was in his speech class, and I was so glad to have had the chance to do that...it was very obvious how much his speech has improved, however in every day conversation it is not as easy to discern. He tends to blend sounds and drop them as he concentrates on what he wants to say, but in speech therapy when sounds are isolated and tackeled one at a time it was quickly apparent that great progress has been made. It will be years before his speech is considered "normal", and much work needs to be done surgically before certain gains will even be possible. Overall though, I doubt anyone could have predicted just how well he has done in such a short period of time, and his pride was obvious as he kept looking at me while working with his teacher, an enormous "Kenny Grin" spread across his face.

There is so much going on right now, and along with our usual spring winds my soul feels disquieted. Perhaps it is all the changes going on around me, the uncertainty, the unknowns. One moment I am riding on a moment of joy and the next I am plodding through a field riddled with land mines, each with labels such as "Doubt", "Self-Pity", "Fear", "Isolation" and the ever present "Unworthy". It is stupid, I know, and yet I seem to find myself mired in muck more than usual lately, feeling unloved and unlovable at moments and not really sure where all of that is coming from. I have learned over the past few years to push through those feelings, to try and reach out to others, to not make assumptions about how others feel about me...and to not place too much importance on it at all in the first place. But I tend to be a people pleaser, and this is one of the hardest things of all for me to push aside. My feelings are hurt too easily sometimes, I take things too personally. I think I need a good dose of Grace at the moment, it is something I strive for and almost never achieve.

So I guess instead of wasting my day sitting here blogging, I had better get to work. We have Scouts and soccer on the agenda for today, and a gazillion pounds of laundry facing me!


Anonymous said...

Hi LaJoys! - I want to thank you for sharing Kenny's special day of Baptism with me and those around you. It was such a privilege to be present with you and the love for each other and for God that you express fills my heart as well. Kenny, as well as his brothers, are such a blessing and are blessed to be part of such a genuine, honest, "real" family. And I am blessed to be able to call you my friends and reap so many benefits from being so.
Cindy, your slide show was more than "ok." Did you not notice there was not a dry eye in the church? I'd love to see it again! It told a story, Kenny's story, that moved us all to tears. Lots of love, Joan

Julie & John Wright said...

Cindy... when ever I need to see "HOPE", I click on your sight just to see your photo.....Some days I click more the once.
Blessings John

Maureen said...

Hi Cindy,

It's nice to read the love and pride in your writing as you write about your boys. Congratulations on Kenny's joyous day of his baptism. Also, congratulations on getting to sneak in some special bonding time with Matthew while you sat in his class.

And now I have to let you know that your soul has not been the only disquieted one lately. I know that there are so many things to be joyful about but yet, like you, am I sometimes letting myself fall into the exact same land mines you mentioned -- doubt, self-pity, fear, isolation, and unworthiness. Thank you for being a cheerleader and source of humor on my blog! Hopefully I can return the favor a little. And then, as you mentioned, we are reaching out to others instead of dwelling on our own issues.

Take care!