Monday, February 11, 2008

Giving Up? Or Giving Up Doubt?

So the gauntlet was thrown down this weekend, and Matthew issued a challenge...we were learning about Lent in church and he said he would give up Legos for Lent if I gave up Diet Coke. For those of you who know me, this is truly an addiction. I am not someone who likes Diet Coke and has a couple a day, I drink it as if it were water. Working during ski season makes it even more readily accessible and FRESH and BUBBLY right at my fingertips out of the tap. I have gone to Caffeine Free Diet Coke before and lasted 3 years on it, until I fell off the wagon about 5 years ago. The headaches I got from being without my daily dose were awful!! I remember thinking all of that was a big joke when people would talk about quitting coffee, but once I tried and failed a few times I knew it was no joke.

Although we are getting a late start, we are going to try and go "cold turkey" starting today and see if we can make it. Tonight the Legos will be packed up for the season and I am certain I will suffer far more than Matthew will :-)

Another thing I am personally going to give up for Lent is doubt. As I was listening to our sermon yesterday my mind wandered a bit, and I thought about what else I could give up for Lent, something more meaningful than a carbonated beverage. I came to a decision that I am going to stop protecting my heart from the possibility that my desires will not come true. I am going to trust that He has already spoken, and there is no reason for Him to have to do so again. I am going to let go of this never-ending need to KNOW how it will all be able to work out and just trust that it will. I can not see how our daughters will come home right now, I just can not picture the way the path will be smoothed.

I realized in a flash of clarity that what I had recently been thinking...that this was more about something I desired and not what He had in mind at all...was simply not true. He made it abundantly clear in several ways early on, and I'll bet God gets really tired of having to reassure us all over and over that He keeps His promises. In a moment of crystal clear understanding, I got it. I don't have to know how, or when, or even why. I just have to know it WILL happen. And I do, in my heart of hearts I know it will. It won't be because I "pushed" too hard, it will be in the right timing and with the right people working on it.

So God, hey, I'm sorry for my doubt. I'm sorry I was so quick to forget the strength of Your power and ability to move mountains. I am sorry that I am weak and it is easier for me to quickly "jump ship" when the going gets a little rough and worry more about moving to a place of protectiveness for myself than of walking through the tough stuff to get to the reward You have already promised is waiting on the other side. You won't have to tell me again, I promise. I will firmly stand on the promise you already made me, I will proudly proclaim what I know to be true even if I can't yet see how You are going to work this out, that they will somehow come home someday. You made it clear that You made me to be their mom, and them to be our daughters and sisters. No question in my mind about that, and I realized that the past couple of days when I was questioned about it and I vehemently stated I KNEW they were ours and any doubt I might have had nothing to do with them at all. You have already spoken to my heart about that. You are Awesome, God, You really are and I am so glad You and I can always talk, that I hear You even if sometimes I stupidly choose to ignore You. You spoke to me years ago about all of this, and reaffirmed it over and over using others to seal the deal. I get it...I really, really do...and I won't ask you again in my weakness. You've got it all under control, and I have to simply do the legwork. You were right 3 times already and you made it happen even when we couldn't figure out where Kenny lived...was he in Kazakhstan? Haiti? Ethiopia? China? And then, miraculously an unexpected phone call and we learned about Kyrgyzstan...and there he was. I was doubting You then, doubting that You had declared to me that we were to adopt a 3rd time, and that doubt was over something as minor as not being able to return to Kazakhstan and not knowing where to turn from there. Dumb, I know, and here I am doing it again. Duh...some people have to be hit over the head with a brick to "get it". Guess I now have a firm dent in my noggin, but I'll get over it. Thanks so much for all the blessings You have bestowed on our family already...it sometimes seems so greedy to ask for anything more, but I know this isn't asking for anything for us, this is You using us to provide for others. Ok, gotta run...Love You! Amen.

6 comments:

Kim said...

I am glad you are finding that faith to believe. I wish I were able to do that right now. We just had to pass up on a chance to adopt again and it has left me broken hearted. I wish I could feel the way you do, that God will find a way. I think I used all that up on our first adoption though and I just don't have it in me right now.

Hilary Marquis said...

Well said, Cindy. "Faith is being sure of you hope for and certain of what you do not see." Hebrews 11:1 HE will do, in HIS time, in HIS way. Hang in there, you're doing good.

Lindsay said...

During my adoption there was a time when - absolutely, no doubt, nothing could change it - my daughter was not coming home in time for christmas. The courts were closing, her case was being moved to another town, the file was packed and the judge (frankly) not doing much! I came home from work the day I heard this and laid on the floor crying for what seemed like hours. I couldn't understand this. I had prayed and prayed and prayed for her to come home: I had kept my side of the bargain, why hadn't god!?. And that night as I started to pray again I listened to what I was praying 'I want, I want, I want.' I realised that nowhere in my prayer was I asking God to do what was best for my baby! That moment changed my whole way of thinking. I prayed for God to do what was best for my daughter, to bring her home at the best time for her and to give me the grace to accept it. I slept that night with peace in my heart.

The next (Friday) day I had a crucial offer for help. On Tuesday a complete stranger drove for hours to see the judge and custody was granted! My baby was home for Christmas, and I learned a lesson in faith and trust I hope I never, ever forget!

During the weeks and months leading up to my adoption Cindy, yours was one of the blogs I read virtually every day (stalked may be a better expression!) Not only did you address so many of the things that worried me (such as attachment) but your honest expression of faith helped to give me faith, and to strengthen a belief in God which has never been as strong as I wanted.

The adoption journey has blessed me not only with a wonderful child but with proof over and over again that God exists. loves and watches over me, and wanted me to parent this child.

I have no doubt that he wants you to be mom to those two girls. I will keep you in my prayers that you will be united soon.

...and diet coke: very, very bad for you. My doctor told me it stops you absorbing calcium and raises your potasium levels! I had to have surgery a little over a year ago and apparently the surgeons had a good old chuckle at how much diet coke they could tell from my innards I was drinking!

imtina said...

Cindy,

Let us know how the diet coke situation goes. I sometimes try to quit diet pepsi, but it is SO hard. Nothing satisfies quite like it for me. Good luck!!

I hope you get resolution and answered prayers soon about the other situation.

Tina

Shannon said...

Faith is something I am struggling with a lot these days. It really helps to know that I am not alone. Thank you.

Good luck with the Diet Coke - I have weaned myself down to 2 per day and there is NO WAY I can function without it.

Maureen said...

I'm not quite sure why I came to your blog today to read, but apparently it was what I was supposed to do. I got a call today from the Kazakhstan Embassy that our dossier is getting sent back to our agency. Apparently there are some translation problems that need fixed. Of course this is very frustrating to me, but I know that (as you said) I need to have faith. I need to believe that this has occurred for a reason and I should not doubt God's plan. I am very anxious to travel, but God has a plan and will reveal it to us in due time. Thank you for your blog, it is an inspiration.