A Sacred Pilgrimage

It is almost midnight as I sit here, laptop screen glowing before me.  Everyone has settled down for the night and a quiet peace is present.   My brain doesn't quite want to settle down as quickly as everyone else has, and the thoughts that flit around inside bounce and jitterbug despite my best attempts to woo them to sleep.

Life in our home is intense, and yet there is a gentleness that hovers around us. In my mind,  that gentleness can only be the presence of the Spirit as it calls us to be our better selves, and compassionately wraps us up in reminders of all that is good and right and healthy here.

It is hard to explain, how our laughter over dinner can help us move through the painful times, and how our dedication to being as authentically in relationship with one another is our salvation.  We don't ignore what is real, we simply digest it, accept it, and work with it to the very best of our ability.

And we take care of one another.

Angela is in a place of great heartache right now, and has emotional work to do that many would never have the strength to approach, let alone walk through as determinedly as she is and will continue to.  How I admire the sheer courage of my daughter, who from her very first moments with us had to fight demons no child should ever have to fight. 

But another mantra of our family is "Love Wins", and over and over again we see how true that is.  For us, this is not a mere catchy slogan, it is sometimes the lifeline we cling to when all else feels as if it is falling down around us.  We are reminded over and over again how following the radical statements of
1 Corinthians 13 really can make all the difference...and it is so tangible and obvious when we don't.

Love is patient,
Love is kind,
It does not envy, 
It does not boast, 
It is not proud. 
It does not dishonor others, 
It is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered, 
It keeps no record of wrongs. 
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.

Whether you are a Christian or not, this "Love List" sure is a powerful guide for how to do love well.  It can also be far harder to live into than it first appears to be.

I have been loved very well this week despite feeling like I am drowning at moments.  I have been kept afloat by the lifeline thrown to me in the form of Matthew, with a little assist from Kenny, as he repaired our dryer...a simple act of service that solved a problem, and I didn't have to be involved in it.  Also, it is reflective of their adulthood these days, that they see a need, and just get the job done.

Heating element was dislodged and tangled up, the entire part needed to be replaced.

They are deeply good, kind young men.

Olesya...oh my, that dear daughter of mine who speaks with her actions rather than words.  She is well aware of how much of my energy needs to go into Angie right now, and how she herself was once in the same place in terms of acceptance and sudden self-awareness.  Lessie has stepped up to help cook every single night, and even helped shop for many of the grocery items.  She also deep cleaned the house, and in all kinds of little ways is doing her best to make certain I have the time I need to be present and attentive to Angie.

So, what are we doing?  How are we dealing with things?

We are digging in, in true LaJoy style.  Angie asked me last night if we were going to begin working on an FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder) Workbook for young adults I had located and printed out almost a year ago.  She is ready, it is time, and now we can make real progress in understanding and taking an unblinking look at their future.  That's my girl!  So, this morning, that is what we did, as Kenny, Angela, Olesya and I all sat down at the kitchen table, and launched our summer FASD exploration.

But before we opened the workbook, I asked them each to take a piece of lined paper and write their name on the top of it, then pass it to the next person.  I then had everyone write for 3-4 minutes and list every strength and gift they could think of for the person whose paper they held.  Each named sheet was passed around, and bullet point items were shared about the positives of each person.

Someone commented that they kept thinking of things to add after each sheet had been passed to the next person, that there were tons of things to put on the list.

"There will be lots of things we are admitting are hard for us as we move through this workbook, and we already know what many of our deficits are," I said,  "But I want you to remember, you are more than your disability, and you each have tons of gifts and areas where you excel.  Keep this in mind as we get very honest and real about all of this.  Parts will be hard to admit, and some things will be depressing to recognize as being things you will struggle with the rest of your life.  I want you to place these as the first page in your binder, and every time you feel the negative is pulling you down, I want you to read this list and remind yourself of all you have to offer the world. There are huge strengths each of you has, and we didn't even have time to write them all down!  We will be honest, and we will be very real about things, but we will be just as honest and real about recognizing your positives as well as the challenges."

With that, we opened the workbook and began a new journey of preparation for their futures.  This workbook can be found here and includes self-assessments, reality checks, and lots of areas to think about and discuss in planning for safe, productive futures for those who have FASD.  We worked through the first few pages slowly, methodically, and shared our fears and hopes.  Already in the very first day we began learning from one another, speaking truths that are hard to hear and yet so necessary, admitting where weaknesses are and listening to statistics that are suddenly far less abstract than they were a week ago.  The real world will be very arduous, and we now have a sense of just how problematic things like employment, safety, and other situations will be.  Angela's very recent experience makes it all far more concrete, and they need it to be that way to grasp it.

They are  determined, these three fighters of ours.  They know the odds are stacked against them, and they understand the randomness of brain function that will plague them their entire lives.  Three weeks ago, Kenny attempted to address an envelope on his own four different times, and got it wrong each time.  Olesya is trying to cook for our family this week to help me, but is struggling with calculating timing correctly, not because she doesn't have the information, but because it doesn't add up in her head right.  Seemingly simple things are not so simple in our home, but we keep working at it until we have eventual success, even if we start all over again the very next time we have to do the same task.  Today Kenny had to be reminded four times over dinner to wipe his lips, to not speak with enormous mouthfuls of food...something we had corrected long ago but now is somehow forgotten.  He also kindly took out the trash when he saw it needed emptying, but had to be reminded two times to finish steps of the task...don't forget to replace the bag...you forgot to put the bags back and close the cupboard door.  This is a daily part of our life, one I am so used to I barely give it extra thought until I am extremely tired and wondering why.  

This evening, after helping me with grocery shopping, Angela and I pulled over while she ate a fast food meal and again we were in tears as she shared her heart around her birth mom, around her deep love and care for me and how she doesn't want to lose me by putting walls up or want me to think she has ever faked her love for me because of those walls.  There is so very much going on inside for her, layer upon layer of confusing and conflicting emotions and thoughts.  She is amazingly good at expressing herself when she taps those feelings and is willing to share.

We have a herculean task before us this summer, The Summer of Acceptance...The Summer of Openness...for the truth of it is that Angela and I, with Kenny and Olesya as co-sojourners, are on a Sacred Pilgrimage of the Heart.  We are going to work hard to heal deep wounds, to accept hard truths, and to walk into the fall with a new spirit of relief and anticipation of the wonderful life ahead of her.  But as Matt told me this past week as we discussed this situation, there are no shortcuts and you have to do the work...all of it...or issues will return with a vengeance.  You just can't do the job halfway, and we won't.  We can't.

Thus begins our Sacred Journey.  May we have light shined on us from all directions to light our way, for this is in many ways a very dark tunnel to enter.