As 2015 wound down and 2016 is sparkly and new, I have a somewhat heavy heart, and I have no solid clue why. Something is off, something is feeling like I am not really me right now. I think we all go through periods like that, but I am determined to pull myself out of it.
Maybe it is because 2015 was a year filled with more than I can possibly put into words for us in terms of stress, shifts, and life changing "stuff". Maybe it is because there has been a lot of relationship sadness surrounding me this year with those close and far. Maybe it is because I feel a little lost at this stage of my life, behind the scenes in just about every way, slogging along, doing the mom and wife thing as best I know how and always feeling (Not justfeeling , if I am being honest, but KNOWING) I could be doing it better
And maybe, just maybe it is my fault and I have not done the things I know fill my heart. Maybe I need to take some responsibility for it and not wait to magically feel cheerful and lighthearted. Maybe I have fallen pray to the insidiousness of "Facebook-itis " and comparison, fallen prey to the "I am not ever going to be good enough" syndrome, fallen prey to forgetting to Whom I belong and that alone gives me worth and value.
I shared some of this with a friend in an email this week in an effort to try and work through it in my own head, and it is hard to explain the malaise that has settled over me. I realized a couple of things last night... I need to blog more, because blogging really refocuses my attention on the things that matter. It serves as my Gratitude Journal, and forces me to reflect on all that is good... and hard... in my life, and the act of blogging reminds me that what I have and who I am is enough, and that what I see reflected in traditional media and social media is not "real", it is merely smoke and mirrors, representations of halves of lives, or is complete fiction.
I also need to be more proactive about pursuing that which fills me up, much of which has been missing this past year or two. All of my reading has been for tasks, not for fun... I need to have the immersive experience of being called to read "just one more page". Giving up singing with Sweet Adelines took the one thing away that was really all for me, but trying to fit it in right now proved too difficult. Church choir is not singing as often, either, and I realize that music is one of those things I need to seek out in the ways that make sense for me with my life right now.
How often in the past have I written about how much is "enough"? And here I stand, needing the reminder yet again. This must be my personal cross to bear, the thing that will sneak in and steal my joylickety split. It has been a hard year, but "hard" doesn't mean bad. The first half was quietly terrible, filled with concern and fear for our future, worries about losing everything and having to leave our home. The second half was almost miraculous, requiring the single most enormous leap of faith we have ever taken, accompanied by lots of learning and more hard work, but God provided so well for us, though we have a very, very long road ahead before we feel "safe".
And as I write that, maybe I have hit the nail on the head, for I just felt that "ah ha" that sometimes occurs when we ramble. I don't know if I have been able to let out the deep breath I took and held last winter. I don't know if I have been able to let go and trust that God has our back on this, that we would nothad been led down a path of financial doom as long as we really, really listened... and we did.
I forgot to breath. I forgot to trust. In the "doing" I forgot the "being".
Reading a blog post today from Glennon Melon Doyle, I heard her speak to my heart...
... the year I will turn 50, the year I will celebrate 30 years of marriage, the year I will live more intentionally and accept that me and mine are enough and that others don't get a vote. I will not ruin what is beautiful and holy because I refuse to live up to some sort of standard others have established for me without my permission, or because others have no understanding of what it takes to live my life. I will be unapologetically, wholly, me. I will attempt to live each day in joy and gratitude, and perhaps I will fall back into my own skin. I will chase God with a vengeance, because I need the Spirit to be walking hand in hand with me in order to be happy.
Watch out, 2016. Cindy iscomin ' and she is gonna grab you and shake you for all you are worth!
Maybe it is because 2015 was a year filled with more than I can possibly put into words for us in terms of stress, shifts, and life changing "stuff". Maybe it is because there has been a lot of relationship sadness surrounding me this year with those close and far. Maybe it is because I feel a little lost at this stage of my life, behind the scenes in just about every way, slogging along, doing the mom and wife thing as best I know how and always feeling (Not just
And maybe, just maybe it is my fault and I have not done the things I know fill my heart. Maybe I need to take some responsibility for it and not wait to magically feel cheerful and lighthearted. Maybe I have fallen pray to the insidiousness of "Facebook-
I shared some of this with a friend in an email this week in an effort to try and work through it in my own head, and it is hard to explain the malaise that has settled over me. I realized a couple of things last night
I also need to be more proactive about pursuing that which fills me up, much of which has been missing this past year or two. All of my reading has been for tasks, not for fun
How often in the past have I written about how much is "enough"? And here I stand, needing the reminder yet again. This must be my personal cross to bear, the thing that will sneak in and steal my joy
And as I write that, maybe I have hit the nail on the head, for I just felt that "ah ha" that sometimes occurs when we ramble. I don't know if I have been able to let out the deep breath I took and held last winter. I don't know if I have been able to let go and trust that God has our back on this, that we would not
I forgot to breath. I forgot to trust. In the "doing" I forgot the "being".
Reading a blog post today from Glennon Melon Doyle, I heard her speak to my heart...
I don’t want a new, better life in 2016. I just want new eyes to see that my lifeis already staggeringly beautiful.
So here we are, January 1, 2016I don’t want to be a better mom in 2016. I just want new eyes to see that the miracle is not good better best — the miracle is that these people are mine and I am theirs. Full stop. And I don’t want to be a BETTER ME in 2016. Screw that. I don’t want to chase after some imaginary more fabulous version of myself. I AM what the people I love need. I already AM. And when we are always BECOMING we have no room to BE. So I’m done striving . I’m fine, thanks. I’m showing up to love my people and you and the world this year JUST AS I AM.
Watch out, 2016. Cindy is
Being together, that is what matters.
The Bread of Life, that is what matters.
Enough food, decent shelter, and medical care, that is what matters.
Friendships that are true... that is what matters.
Happy New Year!
1 comment:
I have finally gotten back to your blog. I had a hard year last year and spent much too much time trying to figure out my relationship with all the people in my life. But I preached a few times and made a little money and bought me a bicycle thinking it was foolish at age 75 to do such a thing. I let those thoughts go and had a wonderful time riding again and thinking at one time I could no longer do it because it had become too hard only to discover I was riding with one low air tire and one almost flat tire. A bit of air and I was good to go. Reading your blogs bring me to tell you I admire your family for being family, caring for one another, but caring for so many of "the least of these" in your community. Giving of self to others brings us always to the center of life where the spirit wants us to be in community, fully human, finding the sacred and holy in the midst of the ordinary. You have helped bring that back to me. Thanks.
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