LAJOY FAMILY

Uh Oh, Another Adoption

2012-02-01T00:59:00.001-07:00

Got you with that title, didn't I! HAHAHA! Today we had an unexpected joyful adventure! Dominick was off so we took the day off from school, and we went to the park with scooters and dog in tow, spent a couple hours there walking and playing...yes, even the big kids still love playing on the equipment and they all play Marco Polo together. Then it was off to the shoe store for Dominick, who desperately needed a new pair of work shoes. While he was in the shoe store, the kids and I went next door to Petco just to look around. The next thing I knew, Josh quite uncharacteristically was engrossed in something he had never expressed an interest in before...owning a mouse.

Quickly, Kenny jumped on the bandwagon as well, and the girls and I giggled with each other as the boys gained momentum over the idea of owning a mouse. They were SO CUTE, getting all excited over cages and water bottles, calculating how much they would each need to contribute to be able to cover the costs, comparing and analyzing what would be the best purchase and getting into deep discussion with the extremely kind and patient sales clerk who couldn't hide her own grin as the boys sat on the floor plotting and planning. Dominick came in, and the boys asked him if it would be OK, promising to clean the cage regularly and to pay for everything themselves. As Josh explained to me before Dominick arrived on the scene "Mommy, I have saved over $200 in the bank, and there has been nothing I wanted to spend my money on until now...I think this would be something worth spending it on because we will split the cost, so it will cost each of us less, and we will be really responsible with it." Yes Josh, I think that to save over $200 at 9 years old, having earned every single penny of it yourself through your own hard work shows you already are super responsible! How could we say no? Much to their delight, we came home with two little mice, and a cage.

This is Flash...there is no name for the other mouse yet!

An hour after the cage was set up, Josh went in to check on them, and found that Flash indeed lived up to his name, and had escaped his cage! Despite our double checking with the clerk and being reassured that the cage they bought was indeed good for mice, just as we suspected the bars were too far apart and made for an easy point of exit. The former exterminator in both of us screamed out before the purchase that this wasn't going to hold them, but both the box and the clerk insisted it would. Always go with the gut, but we ignored our own advice this time. So, we took a look at Olesya's abandoned hamster aquarium that she was given along with another cage when we got her hamster, and realized we could use it for the mice (we had thought the top was broken, but it was OK after all), so the boys are going to return the cage tomorrow and insist on a refund. That'll be good for them too, to learn how to handle a customer complaint appropriately. We found mouse care instructions online and it specifically said that a wire cage shouldn't be used, so Josh jumped to get a highlighter and said he would take it to argue his case that their clerk should have known better.

I am not sure who had the most interest in the mice...Joshua, who kept checking on them every 10 minutes, or Sunny, who thought she had some new pals to play with!

Isn't she funny the way she sits up like that? She can do that and hold the position for quite awhile.

Although we took today off, we have been working hard at school, and wanted to show you a little of what we have been doing:

I got these terrific magnet sets a couple of weeks ago in the hopes of helping Olesya grasp place value, which Josh worked with her on as well. There was also a set that all the kids will use which includes magnet labels for all parts of speech, which you can use on the white board to label a sentence you write up there. Olesya struggles in math are beginning to be akin to Kenny's in language, and although she is making progress, it is very slow going. She doesn't get "stuck" as long as Kenny does, but we already know that we will be very, very lucky if we can get her through even Algebra 1..and she will gladly move towards consumer math :-) Her gift is with writing and language arts, but at least she is not crying over math every day anymore! Josh was a big help in working with her, and we are lucky that no one in our family gets upset about being ahead or behind anyone else. Josh excels in math and is currently working on beginning fractions along with beginning division, which is coming pretty easily to him. As much as he loves numbers and likes to analyze them, I was joking recently that he ought to be an actuarial when he grows up! We spent almost an hour last night looking at this link:

http://projects.nytimes.com/census/2010/map?nl=todaysheadlines&emc=thab1

This is a cool one to check out as it is a great tool for explaining census data while integrating a map. It also has data broken out by race, and interestingly it shares information about vacant housing in each county. Josh totally ate this up, as I suspected he would, and we talked about what it means for something to be statistically insignificant, because our county now has 1% Asians, but 0% African Americans so I was explaining that didn't mean there were zero African Americans, just too few to count as a percent. So we had to do the math with that and what that meant. It was really a terrific tool for using math in a different way.

Then we were working with our science program from Nancy Larson, and the kids were studying the same thing Matthew is...chemistry. Of course, for them it was just a very brief introduction to the Periodic Table of Elements and what molecules and atoms are, but there was a little experiment where we made carbon out of a marshmallow. They all loved doing that:

Burn, Baby, Burn!

Angela has said several times after our last unit on planets that she really enjoyed astronomy and wants to study that more when she gets to high school. That was a surprise to me as I thought that would be less engaging for the kids, but they all really liked it! We had the added advantage of having a friend from church donate a telescope to us, which we used to watch the full moon. After doing chemistry though, Angela also said she really liked that too, so who knows what will be her favorite science subject! Olesya isn't much of a science student, she doesn't dislike it but it isn't her favorite either. She much prefers grammar and writing, and though history is not really her favorite either she is proving to be very good at thinking about things more deeply, and we are seeing a little more of it from time to time. It may be helping that the other kids are applauding her when she comes up with a good insight, as that seems to encourage her to be more involved, and I am grateful to the other kids for helping her shine at times. Like Kenny, she too is slowly stepping away from ways of seeing herself which include words like "stupid" or "dumb" and is instead seeing that she may struggle in one area, but she is quite good in many others. Sometimes getting rid of that internal recording we all have can be long, arduous work...but with both of our more vulnerable learners we are making progress!!

While we were all doing science, Mr. Matt was doing this:

I know it looks like he is snuggled in his bean bag chair, playing video games. And to some degree you would be correct :-) He IS snuggled in his bean bag chair, but he is NOT playing video games, he is working on learning German through Rosetta Stone, which he is enjoying. We are not putting in a full years worth of hours on it for him, as he can't get foreign language credit for it because he is only in 7th grade. But next year in 8th grade it appears Matthew will be working towards two high school credits, one in German and one in math as he will be taking Algebra 1 next year. We are not pushing this, as we are not one of those families who feels their kids have to graduate at 15...good thing with our group that we don't have that mentality! Hahah! But Matt is just working at a normal pace and that is where he will be in math, and he has wanted to take German since 5th grade, so why not get high school credit for it if he is going to do it anyway? We'll see how it works out next year.

And this....this is for me:

That stack of workbooks on the left is one morning worth of correcting I need to do. I am SO LUCKY that Dominick has committed himself to handling math 100%, as I would never have any breathing space if I had to correct all of it too. Homeschool dads really keep us homeschool moms going. Without Dominick, my IT Guy, I would be a frustrated, angry Mama! He keeps our printer up, our computers working well, the math graded, and any other little things done that are somehow out of reach for me. In between grading these workbooks, I'll throw a load of laundry in, get lunch ready, plan in the back of my head our next project.

We are going to create our own personal time lines in binders which, if my plan works well, will be added to throughout their school careers with events and people we study as well as anything that they individually want to add...the first airplane flight, William and Kate's Wedding, whatever interests each of them. I got a set of timeline figures we will use, and they can use Google to get artwork to represent whatever else they want to add. We will also create a large sized classroom timeline to help everyone visualize exactly when things happened, when the Middle Ages was, etc. I tried it with just Matt when we first started homeschooling, but I didn't have a good plan in my head and we abandoned it. However, I am seeing the need, particularly for Olesya, to be able to see it in a tangible way, as she struggles mightily with understanding AD/BC and needs to see it drawn out every time. Having a full size one that she has added things to might make it more tangible.

it's time for me to hang it up for the day, and hope I don't awaken to the sounds of squeals because Flash escaped again or ate mousie number two! Tomorrow is back at the books!

Hope and Promise!

2012-01-31T00:46:00.001-07:00

It's been over a week since I have written a proper post, and I still feel as if I am not really "in the groove" to write anything very well. But it's time to get back on the horse, so to speak, so here I am! Funny how this works, there are times when almost every day I feel the need to sit and type, recording something that feels important for one reason or another. Then there are other periods, like recently, when it feels as if things need to be ruminated on, experienced, and puzzled over. There are a lot of things going on in my life right now, all unrelated to one another, all requiring some pondering and evaluation. I need to be very intentional in my approach with a few key issues, and mindful of listening for God's nudge here or there. I also seem to be working with some Big Ideas about nothing all that important, but on the edge of new understandings and that always takes time for things to settle inside. It sort of feels like I am reaching a new level of maturity, or on the brink of it anyway.

One of the biggies has been with Kenny. I haven't blogged about something going on with him, not because I didn't want to share, but because I just haven't been blogging as I took my mini-sabbatical. The more research I have done on auditory processing disorder (APD), the more I have seen that there is crossover with ADD-like symptoms. Kenny is not at all hyperactive, but in listening to the words he used as he describes what is going on in his head sometimes, Dominick and I decided that maybe there is even more going on than we think. I wrote a two page letter and gave it to our family MD, describing Kenny's challenges, what we are seeing, and asking if he thought it was worth trying medication for Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). We had an appointment a couple of weeks ago with him, and he told us that while he agreed based upon what I shared that he felt APD was definitely part of the problem, he also felt it would be worthwhile to give meds a try for ADD. As he said, there is no harm in giving it a trial period, starting with the lowest dose possible and working our way up, and we'll see if we notice any difference. He felt there was definitely enough going on to warrant it, and he said he knew we were not at all the kind of parents to jump to this first.

We decided to go for it, as I don't want to look back in 10 years saying "Maybe we should have tried..." We spoke at length about Kenny, and our MD said something that helped me feel for the first time since Kenny came home that someone understood...and funny, but it was him saying "We know that children from these backgrounds experience a lack of stimulation and life experiences that changes them forever, and I can't sit here and tell you that I can isolate what is going on with Kenny...there is too much we will never really understand. As his parent, you already know there are probably lots of different things going on, and maybe you'll discover what they all are, and maybe not. But with a kid like Kenny, all you can do is look at every possible thing that fits, try and address it, and eliminate that which doesn't work. He may have ADD or he may not, but you won't know until you try. He's lucky to have such pro-active parents who will keep looking at things." Sounds so simple, doesn't it? "Too much we will never understand."...what I loved was that a professional took me seriously, is joining with us to try and figure it out, and isn't passing the buck because he doesn't know.

We walked out of the office with a prescription for the lowest dose of Concerta, and an open mind...not even a hopeful mind or any sense of anticipation of change to come. Just a plain old "Well, it's not going to hurt...and maybe, if we get lucky, it'll help a little."

Two weeks later, and I think we can now safely say that it is clear it is making a difference, even at the lowest dose. We weren't sure at first, and then you have doubts because the changes are slight, and you also don't want to be led by the "power of suggestion". Dominick and I looked at each other after about a week and asked if we thought we were seeing any difference, and we both said we thought we might be, but we'd reserve judgment. A couple of days ago Kenny forgot to take his Concerta, and while I was in Denver Dominick said there was an obvious difference. Today, we had it confirmed solidly. We have seen little things, like after about 4 days Kenny sat down and spent over 2 hours on his math, without a break, and got his first 100% ever. He was whooping over that one! It had only been 4 days though, and we know it surely couldn't have made that much of a difference. Today though, he had a math test, and after turning it in, he decided on his own to take it back to review it one last time saying "I always miss problems because I read it too fast and don't take my time, not because I don't know how to do the math right." He then corrected two problems that he had misread, and turned it in...and got a 95%.

The real confirmation though came out of the blue, when his TaeKwonDo instructor spoke to him tonight, having no idea at all that Kenny had started on Concerta, and said he had noticed a real difference in Kenny's concentration and effort the past two weeks, telling him he was finally making good progress. Hmmmm...guess we are not imagining it! Kenny was never hyperactive, and could sit still, stay on task reasonably well...at least physically...and doesn't present as a typically ADD type kid in many ways. We have no real behavioral problems, no challenging behaviors other than the things I have shared here which are more "scatterbrained" and not at all defiant. He does have poor judgment and doesn't read social cues well much of the time, but when engaged he can sit for hours at something, which is why we didn't immediately jump to this as a possible solution. BUT...his thoughts are often jumbled, he has an inability to organize thoughts and ideas in logical order sometimes, and he does have poor impulse control versus our other kids. Not terribly bad, just not as good.

We will go back in two weeks and adjust the meds up, keeping on until we get to a dose that appears to be a good fit. He says he feels nothing different really, just the ability to quiet his brain a little. We also have to figure out how to cover the cost, as it is not inexpensive, but there is no way we are not going to keep going with it now, after seeing some real positive results. Now, this is not going to be the total solution, and even today I saw clear evidence of the auditory processing disorder sneaking in as he asked me 4 times to spell a very simple 5 letter word and still got it written down wrong, or when he "misheard" instructions I gave him for an activity. However, it is sort of like being a detective, and if we can whittle away at things one at a time, and as I shared with my friend, if we can make even 5% difference for him in 3 or 4 areas, then overall we will make a 20% difference or more, and for a kid like Kenny even improving things a mere 10% could eventually make the difference between independence as an adult or no independence.

For the first time in a very long time, I think we feel encouraged. I also forced myself to take a little internal assessment of where we were a year and a half ago, before starting homeschooling with Kenny, and where we are now. Stepping outside of the situation for a more distanced look at it, and I realized that we have come far. We have climbed the equivalent of Mt. Everest with Kenny. He is learning, and learning a lot. He is able to apply his learning, he is remembering things well when taught in ways that work for him. He is connecting the dots in numerous ways, often more deeply than others. He is reading at grade level now, not 4 grades below. He feels incredibly successful much of the time these days, he participates, he doesn't zone out, he is the hardest working of all 5 of our kids when it comes to school work, and in our family with no complainers and all kids being diligent, that says a lot. When he first came home for school he was the laziest, he pushed himself the least, he had the lowest expectations of himself. Somewhere along the line, that flipped for him, but I'll admit I push all the kids very hard without exception. We play hard, but we work hard as well.

The things we still battle are auditory processing for sure, word retrieval which affects him in daily conversation all the time as he simply can not always pull up the information or the words he wants to use even though he knows them or later will be able to access them. His memory issues will likely plague him forever. His spelling will have hiccups for the remainder of his life. A huge sign which confirms bigger problems is his inability to hear syllables. In a recent activity he got more than half wrong out of 50, as he simply can not hear the rhythm of language and break it apart. We still need to work some on taking social cues and being appropriate in conversation. All that being said though, he is making it, excelling in math, seeing himself attending college and not viewing himself as less than anyone else. He is beginning to understand he needs to use "his tools", be it a dictionary or thesaurus, taking notes, or counting on his siblings to help him remember something. Just today we were talking about the boys cleaning their room and how they should attack it when it is at it's worst. Kenny said "Matthew helps me by reminding me what to do, and what I started but didn't finish. Without him organizing me, it would take me twice as long." and so he is learning to capitalize on the assistance of others and not resent it or try and control it, which for him is a struggle.

What's next? Well, we have two more things we want to try, and somehow have to come up with the money for. One is this:

This is a special education tool, and is an electronic reading pen. It scans words or paragraphs and can read them out loud, then can also come up with a definition on the little screen. Kenny reads well enough right now, but his big problem is he gets stuck with certain words even if they are said out loud a hundred times, he can't retrieve them from his brain so it's like stuttering when reading and not being able to go forward. This would reinforce his speech work, which needs a LOT of help still, would help him be able to have a way to help himself when he gets to one of those words he simply can not remember no matter how hard he tries, and would be a a way to more self-reliance in an area we may never be able to truly "fix". The bad thing is it is $280, so we are going to save for this one and see if it can work for him. I think it could be enormously helpful.

The next thing on our list is one much harder to accomplish, simply due to cost. We need to get him going with FastForward, the online software therapy program for auditory processing which also works for ADD as well. We have had to give up on Earobics, the far less expensive software program for ADP because Kenny hit a brick wall with it, and simply can not move ahead. It is one of the reasons we are 100% certain, along with the comments of others who have worked with him, that ADP is part of his mix as well. The ways in which he got stumped on this program, and how early on in it he was stopped cold, were surprisingly low level, and FastForward has been mentioned as a much better program for kids that try Earobics and fail with it. However, their web site says the average length of the program is 3-6 months, and we are assuming the 6 months because of the severity of Kenny's issues and the obvious challenge he had with even the lowest level of Earobics. It's $500 per month, and that is just out of reach unless we borrow it. It is so frustrating, as the school district SHOULD be paying for it, as they would for any other kid, if they didn't have an "out" based upon his non-native speaker status and his low IQ scores...scores that now even the special ed teacher working with him said completely puzzled him. But because of those two things, we are thwarted in getting help for Kenny with this, and they will never have to do anything for it so we have to come up with ways to work with it on our own. Right now we just aren't certain how we will do it, but we will figure it out somehow. If we don't give it a try, it is another one of those things that I don't want to have regrets over 10 years from now, and we really can't leave any stone unturned in trying to help Kenny work his way toward a happy and productive life.

So there you have it, and I hope that somehow sharing this will provide some insight for all you parents out there who also might be struggling with a child who has challenges that can not easily be nailed down. Maybe by sharing what we have tried, what we deal with every day, what works and what has not worked, someone out there will be spared a little of the trial and error phase, or be led to something new they had never heard of or tried which might help their child. There are ongoing costs which can cripple families, costs which are outside the scope of what we expected, and sometimes seem beyond our capacity to keep up with. Then so many of us with older adoptees have kids who need help, and yet no one seems able to provide that help. We have to become their biggest advocates, their researchers, their therapists, their detectives. It isn't easy, it leads to oodles of doubts, lots of trial and error, and a ton of hands on hard work. Here we are, home 4 1/2 years with Kenny, homeschooling a year and a half, and I think I am barely getting to the root of a lot of things. I do see how he learns now and am able to find materials that match his style. I am understanding that much of what I thought was purposeful was not, and I am forgiving myself as he has forgiven me for not understanding that earlier on. We are correcting bad habits he fell into because he had simply given up on ever being able to keep up or even learn at all, but that too takes time. Luckily, Kenny is gracious with his parents, and sees how hard it is for us too.

But we have new hope, we have slivers of light sneaking into the tunnel where once there were none. Promise is lurking in the background, and that keeps us all going. One day, I will declare this right here, Kenny will surprise us all. One day, he will graduate high school and attend college. One day, he will make it in the real world. One day, we will look back on the 12 year old boy who couldn't even read, and smile and say "See what love can do? It keeps you from quitting!", and Kenny will give his broadest grin ever and say "Love Wins!".

What's Up?

2012-01-28T23:41:00.002-07:00

The blog has been quieter this week than it has been in a long time! Sorry, folks, I've been busy and had a lot going on behind the scenes that needed attending to. Let me catch you up a bit, with a longer post to follow in the next day or two...but my Mom needs to be caught up! Hi Mom! Hahaha!

Asthma - I have been in and out of the MD a couple times over the past two weeks for the worsening asthma problem. It now feels a little under control for the first time since, well, maybe September. Still not quite 100%, but continued steroids and Advair have helped considerably, and now I just need to catch up on rest. Easier said than done, but I'm working on it :-)

Fridge - How do I love thee, let me count the ways! Oh, how our new fridge has become a beloved member of our family. It is a dream to not have exploding sodas, frozen produce, and a constant waterfall. It holds far more than our old one did, which also is a big help. It; just a glorious piece of fine kitchen appliance, and I am very, very grateful to have it.

Kenny - Oh, that's a longer post that I'll try to get to tomorrow

School - We are moving along nicely, I won't bore you with details as we have no interesting projects on tap at the moment, and I am 100% certain you could care less about what page we are on in our grammar workbooks, or who finished what chapter in math! While I do NOT live and die by state testing, we have CSAP's (Colorado's state tests) coming up in March, so I thought it might be wise to knuckle down and do a little more of our core subjects to see if we can show some growth on the tests this year. I have no idea how they will look, and Joshua will be taking them for the first time. Of course, it is quite laughable to me that results don't come in until next September, but we'll play the game to the best of our ability. It certainly won't hurt, and it helps the kids get used to taking such tests although none of them have a problem with test taking or anxiety. I do have a couple of projects up my sleeve to work on once we get past March, but none quite as big as our house project :-)

Work - Dominick is busy, but not busy enough! The combination of not enough snow, the economy, and some structural changes at the airport have created a perfect storm for a slower ski season in the Sandwich arena. Hanging on the best we can, knowing all will be OK somehow, but recognizing it is going to continue to be a tough year all the way around. Isn't it for everyone though? Somehow, there is food on the table each night, and we still have a roof over our heads. Now, please just don;t ask me how many of the kids are wearing pants that they have obviously outgrown :-) Hahaha!

Elvis - Has totally not left the building, as Angela's obsession grows. Oh well, it could be far worse, I could be stuck with Justin Bieber or Selena Gomez. Oh yea, I forgot...I AM stuck with Selena Gomez with Olesya! :-)

Life - Is good. It really is. It may not be exciting, it may have little to report that is of interest, and surely to most folks it is downright dull. But it is happy, peaceful, and filled to the brim with learning, growing and loving. Can't get much better than that, no matter what else is going on around us.

That's it! See? I said it would be a quick update...nothing interesting, and my head just hasn't been in the right place to record or interpret certain things well. There are weeks like that, this was one of them, and I think all the meds I am on are messing with me as I feel sort of "fuzzy". This too shall pass.

My Fascinating Career

2012-01-20T00:33:00.002-07:00

At dinner last night with friends I had a conversation in which I spoke about how sometimes, my job is hard. Oh, not for the reasons all of you are thinking...the cooking, cleaning, teaching...yadda yadda. Making the decision to step out of the working world after having worked since I was 15 years old is a difficult one, and can be hard on the ego. Yea, I hate to admit it, as I will totally blow the image I have created for all of you of this ever-so-humble mom, but it can be hard to do a job that goes unrecognized in the traditional ways. There are no raises, no satisfied customers letting you know how much they appreciate your help, no reviews of job performance, no feedback whatsoever. We all need to know now and then that what we are doing matters, we all need a little praise and an accolade or two once in awhile, and we all need to know where we are on the continuum...are we succeeding on our chosen path? What are our strengths and weaknesses? Where could we make improvements and where do we totally rock?

Let me share something with you, the life of a homeschooling mom isn't filled with a whole lot of that sort of thing. Surprised? Nah, you all are smarter than that.

As I approach the 2 1/2 year mark of homeschooling...which has been an unusual stretch of time in my life (Really? Seriously???) and not at all a straight shot as we started with one home, then traveled to Kazakhstan for an unexpected emotional roller coaster 2 1/2 month long extravaganza, then added two that didn't speak a lick of English, then finally added two more to the homeschooling mix...one with seemingly insurmountable issues...well, to say it has been simple would be a total crack up.

That being said, and all the lack of recognition aside, it has been the single most fascinating thing I ever have or ever will undertake. It has forced me to try and be more creative than I really am, or at least steal ideas from others that will help me teach in a more engaging and creative fashion. It has stretched me to self-educate myself about...well...education! There is nothing I love more than learning something new, and I have never learned so much in my entire life as I have learned the past 2 years. Panic will do that to a person and is an amazing motivator! Hahaha! :-) I have gained confidence in my skills in one area, and that is that I discovered I am not a half bad teacher, whether certified or not.

I also have gradually come to realize that accolades or not, I highly doubt I could be doing anything nearly as stimulating as I am doing right now, that does allow me to do what I most enjoy every single day, all day long...and that is figuring people out and trying to move them forward. Sounds silly, but its true. As I look back over the many jobs I have had, the ones I enjoyed most were the ones where I was training someone or teaching someone something new, whether it was helping someone learn about cameras, explaining the pros and cons of various insurance policies, or teaching folks how to make change on a cash register. (I know none of those are glamorous jobs!)

Maybe God heard my conversation last night and provided me with some proof positive today of the ways in which my current job fits me to a "T" even without the job evaluations. Working with the five special young people I am blessed to be around every single day, how could I possibly EVER grow bored with my chosen career? And yea, I think I am beginning to see it as a career, weird as that may sound to some.

One of the ways in which God spoke to all of this today was quite profound, and would require years of psychology courses and counseling classes to analyze. We are all writing a lot right now, as part of a library program that Lael shared with us. Angela was slow to warm to the idea, but once she started writing, she took off and wrote for 2 days. She came to me this evening and asked if she could share the five handwritten pages she had completed. Curled up together on the couch, the peachy blue sky darkening through the window behind us, she began reading in her husky voice. It was a fictional story, and yet it truly wasn't...but only someone who knows her as well as we do would ever understand the autobiographical thread running through it.

It was the story of a large family that lived in Los Angeles, and was poor, but very, very happy. Then Dad got a good job and Mom went to work too, and the entire dynamic of the family changed as money began to become more important than love. Parents weren't home much, fun times were not spent together anymore, and older siblings moved away. Dad started to drink, and the younger siblings left at home suffered as they watched their family sink into the mire of the effects of alcoholism and despair. There were, however, the memories of the good times and loving siblings who still cared very much about one another and supported each other through it all. One day, Dad and Mom decided to quit their jobs and recommit to their family. The entire family went to Hawaii together and recaptured what had been lost. The narrator of the story went on to become a pilot and remained very close to her family and good friends.

Wow...there were connections made throughout, with names used to overlay characters with similar traits from real life, there was a little underlying fear that what has been gained will be lost, there was a harkening back to very dark times, the acknowledgement that having less does not REALLY mean having less of the things that matter. This was just an incredibly multi-layered piece of work that will take me quite awhile to thoughtfully digest and work with in the ways I can. What a wonderfully complicated, insightful, open hearted daughter I have to share this sort of thing with! And talk about keeping me on my toes, ALL the kids do that in one form or another.

Then there is sweet, deep Kenny LaJoy. Thursdays are "our" time as we spend the morning together traveling to the next town over for speech therapy and a temporary special needs class/evaluation. There are times when Kenny is a typical younger acting kid (as in acting like 9 or 10, not 13) when he makes no sense at all, is as silly as a goose, and you have to work hard to keep from rolling your eyes at the nonsense. Then there is the Kenny I had today, who was so incredibly articulate, so desirous of meaningful conversation, and such a wonderfully encouraging and dang bright kid. Oh, the talk we had!! He wanted to talk about school, about how he felt no one involved in the special needs process and evaluations had a clue what was wrong with his brain, and how glad he was that he had a mom and dad who wouldn't give up on him, saying sometimes he felt we were the only ones in the world who really understood how hard things were for him.

Special needs class has been a total bomb, not due to anyone's fault, but because Kenny's issues are not readily apparent and tend to be somewhat cyclical in nature. The inconsistency makes it hard to evaluate, and I do understand that. The gentleman working with him has tried to put Kenny in situations where he might show his memory failings, or his inability to organize and structure himself, but so far no luck. In fact, Kenny has remarked a couple of times that "I don't want to be mean mom, but I don't think he is smart enough to figure out what is wrong with me. He doesn't even know when he is asking me things that I can read right off the page because he doesn't hide them! I just don't think he gets it. No one does." Today he said in the car "I wish we could find someone who was as smart as you, but had the training you don't have...I think only someone as smart as you is going to help us." Quite a compliment, considering I have no idea really what is going on with his brain either.

One thing that tickled me completely was how he spoke about marrying someone eventually. He furrowed his brow and said "You know, Mom, when I first came home, all I thought about a wife was to find someone to take care of me, someone to do everything for me. You know, someone to make pies, cook big dinners, wear an apron and do everything I wanted...maybe even go to work while I stayed home. I was so lazy!" I laughed out loud over that one, as Kenny was pretty much wanting someone to wait on him hand and foot when he first arrived here. But then, get this, the kid who used to call himself "stupid" all the time then added "Now I think I would be totally bored with that kind of wife. It's not that a wife like that would be a bad person, but Mom, I think I need someone really smart. You always have the best conversations with me, and I LOVE the classes at church on religion because they really make me think. I like how we do school with history and all of us talk and share ideas and opinions. If I had a wife like I used to want, she probably wouldn't be very smart because I would have fooled her into doing everything for me. I think I need a wife who I can talk to, who will challenge me, even if she can't bake pies and things. I'd rather even have a messy house and a wife I can talk about things with!" And then I really roared, because you ain't gonna catch me ever making a truly homemade pie, crust and all, sad to say. My house? Well, it is relatively clean most of the time, considering 7 people live here...but a pie? Isn't that what Mrs. Smith's is for???

Yes, I know, total loser mom :-) I know some of you are cringing as you read this, and poor Dee over at Crab Chronicles who sounds like an awesome cook is likely turning to her mom and saying "Oh, those poor kids!!"...and she would be right! Hahaha!

They all had art class today, and as we were getting ready to leave and Joshie was showing me his prayer flag with Peace and Love on it within his hand print, Miss Mary, the teacher said "All your kids are SO different and make such creative things...none of them alike! It is so much fun to see what they all come up with every week!" She is right, we have five very distinctly different children, whose unique interests and personalities make my Fascinating Career so stimulating for me.

OK, so I think the "genius" part is definitely going too far, but substitute "curiosity and a love of learning" and its right!

The best part? Watching them change, pointing out the strengths they don't yet see, trying to present them with opportunities to explore those strengths...and loving them. That's the best. And let's face it, on what other job could I have all these roles combined into one: Teacher, counselor, career guider, nurturer, enlightener, advocate, Director, curriculum researcher and implementer, supply clerk, researcher, writing/math/reading/history/science specialist, life coach, reviewer, logic developer, Chief Hugger, meal planner, laundress, media consultant, etc. On any given day in MY office at MY executive desk (the kitchen table) I get to work with such diverse topics as: Under the gases of Jupiter is there a solid formation? What part of speech is the word "not" considered? How do we create a Venn diagram comparing and contrasting the worlds great and terrible leaders...and where do they cross over and each show some of the same traits? Is the bottom of a pyramid also considered a "face"? What are the similarities between Abraham Lincoln's death and John F. Kennedy's death? (thanks Dominick for that one!), why haven't the world's terrible leaders figured out that fighting a war for revenge never works? What is "internal conflict" in a story? And those, my friends, are exactly the topics I worked with over the past 24 hours...let alone all the other things described here that also came up. How could my career ever be anything but fascinating??? Oh yea, and throw in a dash of theology from the outside :-)

Tonight we were getting dinner ready and everyone was helping in some way...Matt made brownies, Kenny grabbed silverware, Olesya made bread for tomorrow with her secret Amish recipe, Josh got drinks, and I finished the spaghetti while Dominick got off his feet after a 14 hour day. I thought to myself what a wonderful, wonderful life we have. Sickening, I know, but there is such peace that surrounds us even in times of stress. There is no anger filling our home, nothing brewing under the surface. There are 7 people living together, growing together, learning together and appreciating the love we share and the life we lead. There are constant hugs and continual laughter. There are challenges and heartaches too. Yet in the midst of all of that, there is a blessed peace that I will never. ever. ever take for granted. Somehow, I doubt any of us ever will. Reading Angela's story this evening touched my heart so deeply, for she captured in her ever-less-broken English the very essence of what our family strives to be, and mostly lives out.

My career IS fascinating, more than anything else I could ever do in this world, be it brain surgery, leading a Forbes 500 company, or creating a non-profit that changes the world. I have enough of the world to change, right here. And I love every minute of it!

Unprofessional Blogging, It's Not About Being Perfect!

2012-01-18T01:02:00.000-07:00

You all know that I am not a trained writer, and I don't have the skills that other Mommy Bloggers have. I find that the blogs I enjoy reading most are funny, smart, irreverent even. I am not the slightest bit witty, either on screen or in person. I try to stick with a theme most days, but sometimes I just have nothing thematic to share and want to just write about a little of this and a little of that going on. I try to capture the highlights for our kids and record them here, and that doesn't always lend itself to interesting reading for anyone other than our family.

I also am fully aware that most people would rather read short little two to three paragraph bursts, rather than the novellas that sometimes erupt here. The fact is, sometimes I just have to take advantage of the time I do have to sit down and pump out the writing as I can, not concerning myself with method or content and just get it on the blog so it doesn't leave me and never get recorded. I figure that someday the kids will care less that it was perfect and more about the fact that I spoke of how tickled I was about some little thing they did or said, or that I managed to get a picture up of a minor event in their lives that otherwise might never be located someday other than in a disorganized and likely outdated hard drive. I don't always have time to proof or edit, and spelling errors are sadly more frequent than I'd like.

But the fact is, I have somehow managed through an incredibly challenging and busy time of my life to be faithful in recording our lives here. I haven't quit, I haven't cast it aside, and I am so glad I have, even if it IS quite imperfect.

Pondering this tonight, I am seeing how so often I have refused to do things, or chickened out because I wouldn't be perfect in someone's eyes, or perhaps more importantly, I wouldn't perform perfectly even in my own eyes. How have I limited my own life and what have I missed because something wouldn't be "good enough"? And, conversely, how has my life been enriched because I stepped out of my comfort zone and allowed something to be what it would be...and discovered something precious despite the imperfections? this impacts me in ministry far more than any other area of my life, for I focus way too much on my inadequacies instead of my gifts. Maybe I haven't figured those out well enough yet to overpower the weaknesses. We were laughing over the table just the other day about how crazy our family is, how others must think we are NUTS most of the time, and yet as we all sat there giggling and goofing around as loudly and obnoxiously as only a LaJoy can do, I thought to myself what a lovely, lovely gift it is to live in the midst of this imperfection...and how I wish that others had this sort of imperfection as well and could appreciate it. I wish I could figure out why I can move forward without fear sometimes, and others my anxiety is ramped up far more than it ever should be. Maybe with time and maturity I'll "get it" better.

So, on to another non-thematic, scatter brained arranged post! I was thinking how I tend to go through phases with each of the kids, photographing them. Sometimes it depends on what they are involved in, if anything, that I drag my camera around for. Others it is because I just happen to get more of one kid with a decent smile for a change, than I do of another. Joshie always tends to look so beautiful in certain light to me, Angela is far better in less stilted, unposed situations outdoors, Kenny...well, heck, his smile lights everything up just about all the time no matter where we are! Olesya is harder to photograph as we all tease her about her "grimace smile" she turns on whenever the camera is near! Hahaha! But when she relaxes and isn't as aware, I finally get beautiful ones of her. Matthew tends to clown for the camera ALL the time these days, and will cooperate only if he is interrupted after being pre-occupied so doesn't have time to plan giving a sibling the bunny ears or to roll his eyes and make goofy faces.

The past couple of days have allowed opportunity to get a couple good ones of Matthew for a change, so I took advantage of it.

Ahhh! No goofy smile...too engaged in building an engine model that Miss Lael dropped off as a pass on from her grandson. We all cracked up as Matt wasn't even able to take his coat off before opening the box and spreading pieces all over the table. I finally convinced him to take his winter gloves and coat off so he could settle in and work on it. He just loves this stuff so much!! By the end of the evening he had it completed, and he is so intense about it he simply can't stop what he is doing. He has been like that since he was a little guy, surprising us often with his ability at 6 or 7 years old to spend literally tens of hours on a Lego project until it was complete, and without any help at all. Remember this one?:

Not much has changed with this kid except for he would look quite odd sitting on our kitchen counter these days at his size! Not even the tie dye shirts have changed, for such a quiet, often somber, serious kid, he definitely has a little inner hippie :-)

Matt CAN be serious most of the time, but when he gets silly he is a total riot! Again, this photo tonight reminded me of another when he was so young, as he just hasn't changed all that much as Josh has. This same grin and those eyes look no different than they did here:

Looking back to find these photos, seeing who he is becoming, and for a brief moment I wished with all my heart I could share these with his birth family. Funny, that almost never hits me but it sure is right this moment. How I wish they could see him, know how wonderful he is and how I wish I could reassure them that all is well.

Then there was the Twenty Something Matt that appeared briefly tonight as he was presented with a very, very special hand-me-down...a dress coat from his mentor, Mr. Steve. Actually, Mr.Steve brought two coats over, but this one in particular was so meaningful because it was given to Steve upon his own high school graduation. That he would want Matt to have it was of great significance, that did not get missed by Matt. When he came home after Civil Air Patrol tonight, he put it back on and stayed in it for the remainder of the evening, snuggling into it and chatting with me at the kitchen counter.

How fast the years go by, how precious every single moment is, and how I am so blessed to be home with them and witness the little day to day things, have the time to encourage and correct them, and to simply "be" with my children. It is worth every single moment stressing over money that we will ever have. With the majority of our children, we have already missed far too much time with them, and I feel that every single day of my life. Knowing that we are doing all we can to make as much of the time we do have with them is extremely important to both Dominick and I.

I have spent the past couple of weeks of school days realizing that I have witnessed some pretty amazing transformations over the past couple of years. What a privilege it is to watch children literally come alive! To see all of them blossom in ways they never would have under other circumstances, to struggle side by side with the girls as they went from knowing not a word of English to reading and writing fluently, and knowing I was instrumental in that monumental process is by far the single most rewarding thing I ever have or ever will do. But of course, it is the inner work that we can focus on every moment that is even more important and provides the opportunity for relationship in ways I never imagined we would have. Growing to understand Kenny's challenges far better and helping him become more confident and capable is also deeply gratifying.

But so too is the ordinary, normal old development of Matthew and Joshua. Though not nearly as dramatic, it is subtle and awe inspiring in its own way to see them pursue interests and have thoughtful conversations with them as well. Sometimes it is the squeaky wheel that gets the grease, and we have a few that make a lot of noise around here! Hahaha! However, watching them it is hard not to get excited when you see they have finally grasped a new or difficult concept, or are testing the waters with something more challenging.

There are the little things I spoke of earlier though, that I want to capture and preserve here. Our years long love letter to the kids speaks to our faith in them, our absolute commitment to each of them, and hopefully of our deep and abiding love for them. A life is so often transformed not by the big moments, but by the scaffolding created by the seemingly insignificant ones. Last night was one of those building moments, particularly for Angela who is developing into a young lady of keen sensitivity and understanding of the human psyche and condition, and is moved more day by day by injustice and a need to right the wrongs she learns about. Of all of our children, Angela is the biggest surprise in this area, as the child we first met and even brought home was one that had the potential to be the most predatory, the most self-centered, the most closed hearted.

We sat on the couch last night and snuggled together watching "Soundtrack for a Revolution", Kenny on my other side, Matt in the dark on the floor beneath me tucked in his bean bag chair and wrapped in a blankie. Angela was so incredibly touched by the stories shared by those involved in the Civil Rights Movement, by the suffering of African Americans who fought so hard for the simple right to vote and be treated equally. She commented with indignation throughout the documentary, in complete disbelief at the inhumane ways people were treated. The music interwoven throughout the film was pitch perfect in its ability to also express the emotions of the time. I sat beside her, answering her questions, explaining that which was not yet easily understood in English. She turned to me and said "Mom, if I were alive then, I would have marched with them!". This, from the girl who two years ago loudly pointed out the first black person she had ever seen in her entire life as we walked through the Frankfurt Airport.

Oh, we have a little activist inside this mini-woman! A few weeks ago, just before Christmas, I had shared with her the now famous video of Democratic Senate challenger from Massachusetts, Elizabeth Warren. Angela was transfixed with Elizabeth's message and said "Mom, she is totally right!" then asked if she could write her a letter. I was surprised at Angela's strong reaction and said I thought it would be a great idea, but that she shouldn't expect anything back but a form letter, as candidates are too busy to respond to every letter they receive because they get too many of them. I did tell her though that her desire to write was what America was all about, supporting people whose ideas strike a chord in us, and I encouraged her to go ahead and write. She immediately sat down and wrote a two page letter to Miss Warren, telling a little about herself and sharing how much she liked what Miss Warren had to say. She also asked her who her favorite president was. She decorated it with a flourish...a beautiful ivy border she drew herself, then she Googled Elizabeth's campaign address, and sent the letter.

On Christmas Eve, Angela received an early present...a personal letter from Elizabeth Warren herself!! It was not a form letter, and answered Angela's questions and was sweetly encouraging. the look on Angela's face when I showed her the envelope was priceless. She had to share the news...and show the letter...to virtually everyone we know. Here is her letter, if you'd like to read Elizabeth's response to Angela you can click on the photo and see it full size:

I tell you, this kid has a courage and inner strength to her that we are only beginning to see. I think that I might find myself side by side with her at a protest of some sort one day, with the child leading the parent to ever increasing boldness. Her sense of justice is astonishing, and she has a strong desire to find something to do in this world to make a difference. I have no doubt at all that eventually, she will discover what God is calling her to do...and we will all be amazed.

If you have made it to the bottom of this post, then congratulations! Again, I know it is not as polished as others who write, nor is the blog as cutesy or "Pro-Mommy-Blogger-ish". Sometimes though, when I stop and think about how unintentionally this place has served to be an open door to friends known and unknown, and how so many of you have watched our children grow and our family change in so many ways, I can't help but be bowled over sometimes. Thank you, for putting up with us and for being interested enough to return over and over again, despite the imperfection found and lack of professionalism found here. Although sometimes I, of course, write to you all rather than just for our family, thanks for recognizing that you are voyeurs, and that ultimately some of the more boring stuff here is really for them, for our own families are never boring to us, are they? Each of our own family histories will trigger emotions that are richer and fuller than anything else we will ever encounter. Your continued following of our family journey is actually quite touching, and I fail to say that very often. Despite the regular inclusion of writings that I know many of you have no interest in, you return again and again, and you cheer us on, offer encouragement and ideas, and simply join us virtually to the point that someday if we ever have the privilege of meeting in person, it is as if old friends have connected. Our virtual worlds can sometimes be as real as we allow them to be, and the power of that is represented here.

Night All!

Peeing on Humanity

2012-01-15T23:13:00.001-07:00

When a man's ways please the LORD, he maketh even his enemies to be at peace with him.
(Proverbs 16:7)

Facebook this week was unsettling, as the photo of members of our military urinating on corpses of alleged Taliban members was posted and reposted. Reactions were strong as people reacted to the image, many feeling it was justified and symbolically spoke to them. Others were apalled for a variety of reasons, just one of them being the simple truth that this does nothing but give our enemies fuel for the American hatred fire that blazes in their already heated hearts.

I found myself a little sickened, for many reasons...and I know it is likely I will have a most unpopular opinion in this age of war, patriotism, and flag waving. It has nothing at all to do with not supporting our troops, valuing the sacrifices they and their families make hourly on behalf of all of us, or not recognizing that our enemy...a nebulous one versus wars of the past...has done far worse to our soldiers and civilians of their own countries.

I received a lot of flack for my Facebook post in response to the celebrations held as we became aware of the death of Osama Bin Laden. However, my inner voice spoke to me in the same way as when I viewed this recent photo...that our thirst for vengeance, our desire for the blood of our enemies, and our celebratory dances do nothing, really, but point out how easy it is for us to become just like them.

War dehumanizes us all, on either side of the fence.

As a person who identifies with a God that loves what God has created...all that God has created...it is impossible to rejoice at the death or humiliation of another of God's created persons. We begin to see men, women, and children...and yes, the warriors as well, as "expendible targets" or a "justifiable casualty". Oh, we might find compassion in our hearts for the folks we label as "innocent" in a conflict, the mom at the market whose life is lost as a car bomb goes off nearby, or the child held in the sobbing father's arms as that child's life slowly leaves his earthly body as his mutilated foot dangles from a barely attached leg.

If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility. - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Somehow though, we forget that the enemy warrior is human as well, he is someone's husband, father, son. He is God's child too. That warrior feels as committed to his cause and as justified in his actions as our warriors do in ours. We cry out in vehement rage when the naked bodies of our fallen soldiers are dragged through the streets of Somalia, being spat upon...and we call those who do such things "unholy savages". We are offended, we are further filled with a righteous sense of anger and it fuels our mission as nothing else will.

And yet when we commit similar acts upon the fallen of our enemy, we find it so easy to say "Serves them right!". The only reason we say that is because at the moment, for that battle, we were the victors. Reverse the roles and make our soldiers the victims, and we can't fathom why our enemies would desecrate a body in such a way.

But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. (Matthew 5:44,45)

War changes any participant. It also changes the bystanders. We become hardened and calloused, we fail to see the gift of life that is bestowed upon all living things. Warriors are trained to depersonalize the enemy in battle, for if they are unable to emotionally distance themselves, they can not perform the job they are called upon to do. Our unwillingness to recognize this, as the people who call our armed services into action, makes it impossible for us to then recognize and offer appropriate help to the returning soldiers who are forever changed by their experiences in war. A sensitivity toward our fellow man is not something that can be turned on and off like a lightswitch. Soldiers come home unable to relate to their wives and children, unable to view life in the ways they once did. They did their jobs admirably, but they are never the same.

Imagine, if you would for just a moment, that those uniforms in that photo were reversed. Imagine that some wife or mother here in Minneaoplis, or Houston, or Hartford is seeing a member of the Taliban urinating on her son or husband. Would we be cheering that? Or would we see it as an atrocity?

Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing (1 Peter 3:9).

As much as we'd love to view ourselves as the World's Super Heroes whose soldiers are incapable of the sorts of heinous acts that we hear our enemy commiting, we too are just as capable of being the ones dragging the bodies through the streets and spitting on them. We too are unable to escape the inevitable process of dehumanization of our enemy, for it makes the killing into a sport, and makes it palatable to those who initially might have felt it almost impossible to pull a trigger. We think that our soldiers are somehow immune to the sorts of actions we see reported that our enemy commits. They are not. Like it or not, we do not own the moral high ground any more than any of our enemies ever did. It just makes us feel more justified to imagine us so.

There is only one-way in which one can endure man's inhumanity to man and that is to try, in one's own life, to exemplify man's humanity to man. - Alan Paton

How many innocents did we kill in Nagasaki? Hiroshima? What about the Trail of Tears? Slavery, Mai Lai, and yes...Iraq and Afghanistan.... We, as a people, have overstepped throughout history just as badly as others in foreign lands have. We too have sometimes gone too far, we have no right to hold ourselves up as the Moralists of War, and we see how every participant is changed and hardened...and sometimes led to do things they might never conceive of under different circumstances. It is THAT which gives me great heartache, that our young men and woman lose part of their own humanity. That is what urinating on our enemy represents to me. It is not that urination on a corpse is the worst we could do...but it is an indicator of the rapid descent into evil that comes from failing to see how our very souls are being lost. It leads to parading the dead in the streets, or strapping them to the fronts of jeeps to put on display. Although the following are graphic examples, it is important for us to see just what we are capable of when that aforementioned descent is not halted:

http://morallowground.com/2011/03/28/rolling-stone-publishes-graphic-unedited-u-s-army-kill-team-war-crime-photos/

http://morallowground.com/2011/09/01/wikileaks-u-s-troops-handcuffed-executed-10-iraqi-civilians-including-70-yr-old-woman-5-month-old-baby-and-four-toddlers/

http://warisacrime.org/content/new-photos-released-iraq-atrocity-documents-and-video

and then check out the photos that go with the above claims/article:

http://warisacrime.org/category/image-galleries/al-doura

Any google search can bring up hundreds of images of the ways in which dehumanizing our enemy leads from something seemingly as relatively benign as urinating on a corpse leads to committing acts against real, live humans that would truly sicken any of us. That occurs on both sides of any battle.

I understand that killing occurs in war. I am not really a total pacifist, and recognize that sometimes we have no choice but to stand and fight. I do not personally think that our current conflict in Afghanistan or our recently ended one in Iraq were the wisest moves that we as a nation could have made. It came at an extremely high cost, both monetarily and in terms of lives lost. And I do mean lives lost on both sides, as there were far more innocent Iraqi and Afghani lives lost than we could ever justify. Ever. That does not mean that I don't have the deepest respect for our soldiers, tens of thousands of whom were called upon to do a job, and performed it admirably and with honor.

Abel’s blood cries out “vengeance”---Jesus’ blood cries out “mercy”. -Jacquelyn K. Heasley

I can not respect the acts of disrespect displayed by the soldiers in the photo depicted peeing on humanity. That is not the picture of a US American soldier that I want to carry in my mind. The ones I would prefer to see are the photos of our soldiers playing with Iraqi children in the streets, protecting the innocents as they can in situations, working hand in hand with local leaders in an effort to bring peace to the area and end the years long conflict. No, I don't forget the photos of our own men, bodies broken and torn apart, rifles propped in the ground with helmets of our fallen resting upon them.

But does peeing on our enemy really do much to change that? Does it reflect the values we as Americans hold, and hope our soldiers carry into battle as well? Or is it an act of immaturity, disrespect for life, and a sign that several soldiers felt the need to prove their superiority in a way that showed only how weak they really are..that they gave in to their baser urges that afternoon.

I don't wish that it were American soldiers lying out on the ground in that photo, and am grateful that the lives of our men were spared. I wish that they could have walked away feeling that gratitude rather than reveling in the death of others.

Violence as a way of achieving justice is both impractical and immoral. It is impractical because it is a descending spiral ending in destruction for all. It is immoral because it seeks to humiliate the opponent rather than win his understanding; it seeks to annihilate rather than to convert.—Martin Luther King

Amen.

Asthmatic Reflection of Years Lost and Much Gained

2012-01-14T05:27:00.000-07:00

I am awake quite early this morning, as I have been the past couple of mornings as asthma awakens me once again. Obviously, it is time to get on some maintenance medications for awhile. Being a late nighter naturally, that means I have been getting about 4 hours of sleep a night this week, so I am hoping that on this Saturday morning I can eventually drift back into a deep slumber,even m if only for another hour or two. As much as I treasure and miss sleep, these early morning awakenings allow for quite time of reflection which I don't often get these days, so it is not without some benefit.

Josh is sleeping next to me, as he had another night where he felt the need for closeness as insecurity enveloped him. This precious, beautiful boy of ours is sometimes such an enigma. Watching him as he sleeps, which I love doing, he is the most angelic creature God may have ever created. Seriously. There is something so tender about him, so open, and it is revealed in his visage as he deeply slumbers. I find it so interesting that all of his siblings see something just a little different in Josh as well, as they treat him with an almost paternal and maternal care. As we are at school each day, and Josh will say or do something that is beyond his years...as he often does...inevitably one or all will look at me across the table with a look mirroring parental pride in his accomplishments. They are all protective of him, nurturing of him, as they sense a vulnerability in Joshua that comes alongside incredible strength in a child his age. This remarkable combination of traits is inexplicable, and yet do seem to co-exist inside the heart of one young boy whom we are all blessed to call brother and son.

A sharp reminder of how quickly time passes invaded our lives this week, as my thoughts drift from my youngest to my oldest...well...symbolically and group acknowledged as oldest. With Matthew in 7th grade, high school is not all that far off and academic planning for his eventual path must begin. Yes, it is early, and we are vowing not to be like others and live so far in the future that we can not live in the present, but there are a couple of subjects I need to wrap my mind around how we will handle as homeschoolers, and begin to look for textbooks and materials as they arrive in our school's lending library so that we can nab them for future use and save funding for other needs. By thinking ahead a little I can be on the lookout for curriculum that might work well for advanced science and math, as I try to find ways to present creative and rick learning experiences for all the kids.

I laid the chart out on the table yesterday morning, the one which outlines the credits required for graduation, and contrasts it with the credits required for college. All five of our children hovered around me in a tight circle as I shared with them the details of this document, then leaned back and said "I know that not all of you may decide to attend college, as there are many different paths to a career, but we will not be shooting for fulfilling graduation requirements. We'll go for college entrance requirements just in case you elect to eventually enroll in college, that way our bases are covered." Then I asked as an aside "How many of you think right now you will be going to college?", being realistic that there are a couple that are not as engaged by academics or might find trade or technical school to be more desirable.

Every hand shot up, instantly.

Internally I raised an eyebrow, and was secretly quite pleased. Olesya was one I figured would have no interest in higher learning, and Kenny I thought might feel it would be beyond reach. Both looked as confident in this very early census of future plans as the other three were. There are moments, not often, when I give myself a pat on the back. This was one of them, as it signaled we have achieved something here at home that I doubt would have happened in any other learning environment. Two children who previously saw themselves as "losers" and incapable now see themselves in a totally different light, and have somehow internalized that they can achieve anything they want to achieve, even if it will be a little more challenging at times.

Whether all the kids will indeed attend college or not remains to be seen, as they may eventually discover careers which don't require it, or that point them in the direction of on the job training, military, apprenticeship, or trade school. What we are trying to instill in them is NOT that college is the "end all and be all", but that they must have some sort of training beyond a high school diploma, that having an attitude of lifelong learning will serve them well, and we want them to recognize that they can teach themselves or learn anything at all that they desire to learn.

We are also talking early in order to create an ongoing sense of "Team" in the pursuit of higher education, as we recognize the need to work together...not just as parent and child but as an entire, cohesive family...to help them achieve their individual goals. We will not have the luxury of merely packing them off and loading them into a dorm room at some distant university. We already know we will have to be highly creative in finding ways to lower the cost, and will likely be a little nontraditional in our approach as we plan to utilize a combination of studying for CLEP tests to gain credits at low cost, online learning at community colleges, and attendance on campus when we have exhausted every other way to keep costs down. It was funny how Angela looked at me with her ever-the-adult look and said "Mom, we will all have to study together and pass as many tests as we can...that makes it almost free for a lot of classes! If we do it together, we can help each other AND save money!"

All this talk of futures, college, and high school has me a little melancholy. It hasn't been quite 2 years yet that the girls have been home, and Kenny has not yet been with us even 5 years. Although I don't often give in to it, the feelings of loss lately have been creeping to the surface. Watching Joshie sleep next to me, I feel totally ripped off as I think of all the time we missed with our three children adopted at older ages. I seldom have the privilege of watching over our older children as they sleep. We never got to stand over their cribs, seeing their tiny little bodies curled up and pinch ourselves as we gazed down in wonder at the single most beautiful thing God ever created. Watching a tiny little guy at the pool yesterday as he toddled along, I suddenly felt this extreme sense of grief over not having held Kenny, Angela and Olesya when they were little...never having had the chance to rock them to sleep or see a toothless, gummy, drooly grin. It's not an easy thing as a parent to wrestle with. Here we are, looking at celebrating our 2nd anniversary together as a complete family and already we have to look at the future as we plan a middle and high school path! It's NOT fair, and sometimes acknowledging that very real loss is necessary, and an important part of the adoption process. Thankfully, it doesn't stay with me long, but there are moments when it is overwhelming, and fills me with deep sadness.

When it is harder is when I catch one of them feeling it, when Olesya was half-joking the other night about not being a baby with me and wishing she could have been, when Kenny quietly told me in the car Thursday on the way to speech that he sometimes was jealous of Matthew and Joshua for having all sorts of memories with us when they were young, and that he wondered why God hadn't put him in our family when he was younger so that he could have maybe avoided some of the struggles with his brain that he now has to face every single day. It is Angela who sometimes seems to quietly long for an earlier childhood with us the most, as she doesn't speak much directly about it but fiercely claims us as her family and tells me every once in awhile how she wonders why her first mom was such a bad one and probably never loved her at all. She, of all the kids, clings to family so completely, guarding against growing up too soon and valuing every game and movie night we have together, every tradition we share as if it were completely precious.

We all lost, and we all gained. It is what it is. I am OK with it, but that doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt sometimes. Every parent goes through the "I can't believe how quickly time is passing." stage, for us, it is compressed more than for others. Thankfully, the here and now is so sweet, so wonderful, that we are squeezing it for all it's worth and consider ourselves incredibly blessed that our blending as a family wasn't a rockier road, allowing us to quickly move into family mode than others are able to do. We know what a gift that is.

It is back to sleep for me, hopefully, as I take advantage of a houseful of sleeping kiddos and try and catch a few more "zzzzzzz's". Time for reflection is over, for now. A little wallowing is enough :-)

A Little Sharing

2012-01-12T23:37:00.000-07:00

There is a smattering of things I wanted to share here, some of which will be of no interest at all to many of you, some of which might be just for kicks. I try not to post too much homeschooling stuff, because I know that for many who might read the blog it is completely uninteresting. However, there are a few folks out there who read and homeschool, and some of them might want to know about a couple of things.

First, a couple that are for everyone...we found a couple of super interesting very short video clips on YouTube from National Geographic. One of them illustrates a totally fascinating article we read in a recent issue about Earth's population reaching 7 billion people. No one I spoke with believed me that NatGeo had shown that all the world's population could fit mathematically in roughly the space of Los Angeles. I think most of us consider NatGeo a fairly accurate publication, and it helps put our world population in perspective. Now, of course, where all of us could fit has nothing to do with if the Earth itself could sustain us. However, it does make you stop and think. It's quick and well done, as is the second video clip about what the statistics show is the "typical" person in the world...a startling and also very interesting super short clip. The kids and Dominick all thought this was good, check them out:

http://youtu.be/sc4HxPxNrZ0

And the second video clip:

http://youtu.be/4B2xOvKFFz4

Sorry I can't get the videos to embed tonight so you can view them right here, but go check them out, they are worth it!

On to item two, which is a curriculum mention. We have been using a new literature curriculum which we are quite enamored of. It can be found here at www.mosdospress.com which is a Jewish textbook publisher.

Why do we like this so much? Tons of reasons! This anthology series is different from any other I have seen. It is secular, and yet deeply moral in it's approach. The stories included are beautifully presented and highly engaging. All five of the kids using 3 different levels have raved about how much they enjoy each of the selections and can't wait until literature time. Seriously...when does that ever happen? The accompanying workbook has solid vocabulary work, graphic organizers...but not boring, easy "fill in the blank" ones, these require real thought, and analyzing the selection that was read. What I love most about this series is that it introduces the kids to some of the very best authors ever, both old and more modern, and even in Matt's at the 7th grade level he will sample Robert Frost, Ernest Hemingway, John Updike, William Saroyan, Emily Dickinson, Ray Bradbury, James Herriot, O. Henry (I love O. Henry!), Carl Sandburg, Walt Whitman and more. The lower grade levels have equally stellar authors, and there is SUCH a difference between really good writing, and typical writing for kids today. I am sorry, I know it is entertaining to a degree, but Judy Moody or Diary of a Wimpy Kid isn't all our kids ought to be reading. And yes, our kids DO read such stuff too sometimes, but I love that in addition to that sort of lighter fare they are really enjoying the richer content contained in this textbook series. Also, it is leading them to explore different authors. The very first story in Matt's was a short story by Rudyard Kipling, and this past library trip he brought home Kipling's "Kim". Whether he wades through the entire book with its older language or not isn't important, but at least he was opening up to authors he had yet to read.

The teachers manual is excellent, and walks even the least experienced teacher/homeschool mom through the process of explaining literary tools used by writers, and to ask questions to stimulate thought about passages read. If anyone is looking for something like this, I can't recommend it highly enough and neither can the kids who all agree they don't want to use anything else for reading now that we have found this. There are textbooks for 4th - 8th grade. After that, I am not sure yet what route we will go. I'll cross that bridge when we get to it :-)

On another note, we are considering trying a program with Kenny called FastForward, as administered online via www.gemmlearning.com . It is for auditory processing, and during the past ten years or so I have read of many adoptive families using it with their children with a fairly decent success rate. The problem? Man, it is expensive at $500 per month for approximately 4-5 months. Whew! That is a chunk of change. Our homeschool program is trying to see if they can bypass the school district somehow and get testing done or approval for this for us...or something like it...but it isn't looking good. The system is just too tough to maneuver through, and they have a surefire "out" with it because of our Two Strikes...non-native speaker and low IQ. So it looks like we are going to be forced to pursue help on our own outside the system. Recently I saw Kenny's old speech therapist from public school, and when we chatted and I told her what we were thinking could be wrong, and I asked her if in her opinion we were way off base and it was as if a light bulb went on for her and she said "Of course that could be part of it! That makes so much sense now that I think about it!" and she assured me that we ought to look seriously at it for him. As she probably has the most experience working one on one with Kenny other than us, that was a little reassuring for me. So, now we just have to find a way to pay for it, still working on that. If anyone reading this has any experiences with FastForward, I'd love to hear from you before we commit to something like this.

Fellow blog reader and dear friend (Aren't I lucky to know her and benefit from her wisdom in real life??) Lael started working with Matthew today on his abysmal writing mechanics. Matt is usually Mr. Quiet, and it is fun to watch him interact with Lael, as for some reason he becomes silly and very animated with her. We are really grateful to her for helping him (and me!) in this area, as I have tried everything recommended and nothing has helped. Lael has some new ideas which might work, and I am hopeful we will see some progress eventually using a new approach. Along with the kids, who are participating in a writing even through our library, I too have decided to take a two night writing class. I've never had writing instruction before, and I think it will be interesting to learn and practice right along with the kids. I have no idea what I'll write about as I am not imaginative enough to write fiction or anything like that, and I am most definitely not a poet. I guess we'll see if anything comes of it.

That's about all! See? I told you this would be a boring post! That's OK, I never know when something I share might help someone else out, as I have been helped a million times over the years by others' posts and blogs. Here's hoping you have a great weekend...and that the Broncos win! Hahaha!

That's about it for tonight. See? I told you it would be boring!

Grace not Grades

2012-01-12T06:42:00.000-07:00

Our pastor delivered a sermon this past Sunday which stuck with me, and I am chewing on it here and there this week. We had a lovely service during which our congregation was invited to renew our baptism vows. Check out how beautiful our Sanctuary looked:

Our "River Jordan" turned out beautifully!

I think I needed that, and to reconnect with the idea that we are all ministers as our pastor pointed out. Her sermon also invited us to a different way of viewing the church. I liked her description of experiencing church as "school" rather than in the more traditional ways many of us view church...as family, or as a "hospital for sinners". I think the idea of "school" suits me better, as I have always seen church and my active participation as a member of a faith oriented body of people to be a place where I can learn more about the things often missed in school...the real "life" stuff. It is where I am constantly challenged to re-envision the world and my relationships with others, it is where I have so many "Ah Ha" moments and suddenly everything makes sense. It is where I can grow in areas that are often ignored in the halls of academia, and where that growth and what is learned is immediately put to use almost from the moment the worship service has ended.

But the single thread through the sermon which was the most profound and which ties together so much of what I have slowly come to understand over the past couple of years, is the idea of "grace, not grades". Living life as a Christian means different things to different people. To me it is growing more and more to mean living counter to our culture. For me, living Christian has nothing at all to do with being perfect, proclaiming arrogantly that I have all the answers, or earning my spot on some heavenly cloud someday. For me it is about viewing the world differently, valuing the things that really matter over the things the world tells me should matter. It is about my eyes being opened to the value of each human being, and to recognize that God's call for each and every one of us is different, but no less relevant or important.

As I look around our church, there are numerous folks who care deeply about the environment and actively do much to make our earth healthier. Others are called to see to it that the arts are encouraged and flourish in our community, for art is often where many find God. Another amazing person is called to minister to those whose encounters with cancer are terribly frightening and yet, for her, sadly familiar. Am I wrong because those calls don't resonate as deeply with me? Are they wrong because their passion is not the same as ours...children who are long forgotten or somehow falling through the cracks? No! In our "school" everyone can major in a different subject, and we all support one another in following our life's path and passion. Better yet, no one feels the need to push others to proclaim a call that is not authentic for them, and that is a real gift, for the world operates differently and often insists we "buy in" to everything others push our way.

The phrase "Grace, not grades" is a profound one for our family, and is a reason I never articulated well for why we elected to homeschool. Part of it might be that the word "grace" is laden with prior meaning for others, it is too "Christian-ey" and doesn't seem to "fit" when talking about academics or the pursuit of higher education. For our children though, all of them not just the ones adopted at older ages, "Grace, not grades" is instrumental in them becoming who they are. We do not issue report cards, we do not measure by grades. At first, when we brought Matt home, that was exactly what I did...I graded everything, I berated him at moments for not getting a good enough grade, I measured him over and over again that first couple of months. I can admit now that it was out of fear, fear that I would fail and this homeschooling thing was indeed the hair brained scheme many told me it would be. Then I saw what I was doing to his spirit, and I quickly realized as well that learning is not at all about grades or measuring ourselves against one another. In my insecurity, I was making things worse and not allowing him to learn to love learning.

I had to learn to be counter cultural, to not "own" my child's successes as bragging rights or proof that I was somehow this Super Homeschooling Mom. I too had so much to learn, and my "school" (our church) helped in so many ways with that. I have children in my kitchen table classroom who soar in some subjects, and I have some that sink :-) What I discovered was that when left unmeasured...ungraded...and allowed to try and fail without fear...we got much further and the sinking was kept to a minimum. Now of course we correct work, but that is very different from "grading". Grading ranks you, it classifies you, it categorizes you, just as state testing does. Correcting is entirely different, and it is part of the learning process. Now I realize that a certain amount of Grading and Scoreing is necessary on a large scale in order to see if schools are functioning well, but to measure the worth of a child by their score or grade is abhorrent to me, and so often settles into the soul of a child and they begin to lose hope of becoming anything other than what the world classifies them as being...a C student...a D student...a "Failure".

But first, I had to learn to offer Grace, not Grades. I had to allow for missteps (and sometimes I fail at that), I had to see all our children as potential not a letter or number score. That took (and still does take) time to break free from all the ways I know our society works and the ways I myself was measured and categorized through the years. It is what feels normal! I think our kids are healthier because of it. Recognizing the value of the unique gifts inherent in each one, not holding one up as the Super Student nor identifying another as the Loser Student helps all five of our kids have respect for each other...and for every other person they encounter. For when you stop using the same yardstick that the world uses...a report card, an SAT score...then you stop being impressed by the things the world wrongly values. You see a person as the lovely creation of God that each and every one of us is! What good is a stellar SAT score if a child's soul is cold? Or if that child then holds themselves above others based upon a number that measures them as being somehow "better than" the rest?

Today we went bowling, and were there alongside a women's league which consisted largely of seniors. We were all goofing around, as Dominick named us wacky names on screen. Angela was "Angel Hair Pasta", Kenny was "Kookie Kenny", I was "Hot Mama"...hahaha! We had a great time, no one cared who was winning, everyone was "high fiving" each other and hugging after strikes or spares. It was a lot of fun, and interestingly, after game one and a healthy dose of encouragement along with a little instruction, every single one of us significantly increased our scores on game two. I went looking for a different ball and wandered down to where the league was playing. A group of women stopped me who had been watching us and I was asked "Is that your family?"...we always get asked that as we don't "match" and then having 4 kids the same age lends itself to folks thinking we are a club or school group sometimes. I responded that yes, that was our family. Another woman spoke up and said "We were just saying that we haven't seen a family have so much fun together in years. You all look like you really enjoy being together, and that is nice to see for a change!" A third woman chimed in "And it is so nice to see a family hug each other...no one does that these days." I replied that I was indeed a very, very blessed Mom and wife.

The truth is, we have tried our best to eliminate competition as a component in our family. We have tried to replace grades with grace, and it has spilled over into the kids, a side effect I never imagined and one we still have to practice regularly for it is easy to backslide. Our world barrages us with messages about success and what that is supposed to look like, and fighting that is a constant battle. But I wonder, would Kenny have ever grown to see himself as capable and learned to read if we had not stopped the nonsense of measuring him? More importantly and sadly, I will admit, would I have ever grown to see his capacity if I had clung to the measurements we were given with IQ scores and state test scores? Would Olesya have begun to see herself as "smart" if she had constantly been held up against her peers in math? Would we have heard her ever say what she said the other day when out of the blue she exclaimed "I like math! It's not easy, but I can do it now!" We all recognized her gift of careful, organized thought had paid off when on our house project we had huge columns of numbers to add and every other kid whizzed through it but her, and SHE was the only one who got the right answer! We all celebrated and learned a valuable lesson...speed doesn't lend itself to accuracy. She learned a valuable lesson too...when not timed and measured, she CAN do math well! Now she is consistently talking about owning her own business someday...she has moved from "I am nothing" to "I am someone"!

At TaeKwonDo last night, all the kids sparred. Matthew did a particularly good job against two opponents, but it was Kenny I was watching closely as he was finally showing a little aggressiveness and it was fun to watch. We got home and were telling Dominick about the sparring, when Angela chimes in "Dad, you should have seen Matthew tonight...he was REALLY good!" This from our most naturally competitive child who has somehow internalized over the past two years that its not all about winning or losing, and when one succeeds, we all succeed. The change in Angela has been the most dramatic, as she entered an environment where she wasn't measured by her test scores or her ability on a basketball court, but discovered she inherently had value simply because she was Angela. The child who cheated at every single game we played so she could come out on top has disappeared. The child who had to nudge her way to the front of the line, who had to prove over and over again that she was superior, has ceased to exist. That child has been replaced with one who is almost always the first one to point out another's success! She is confident and yet now looks for the goodness in people, not how "good" they are at something. Grace, not grades, has truly transformed her.

Are our kids looked at oddly by the world because they are not competitive? Oh yea, for sure, especially the boys. But I love that Joshie could care less about winning or being first, I love that he sings the praises of his best buddy without concern that it somehow lessens him. I love that Kenny was the best darned cheerleader on his volleyball team despite not being the most skilled or getting the most playing time. Compared to a couple of young boys on the team who WERE skilled but were so concerned with being the Super Stars that they were often in tears or looked over at their parents for fear they were not measuring up, Kenny had a far better time the entire season and thoroughly enjoyed himself.

God doesn't want us living in competition with each other. It's not the way it is supposed to work ( or "upost to" as Josh wrote today! Haha!). One reason our family needs to be in church regularly is that we hear messages that build a strong scaffold underneath us for living in the world in a way that makes little sense to many, but we have discovered it brings a far more contented way of life.

Church teaches us to extend "Grace, not Grades" to our fellow inhabitants here on earth, and we are reminded of that single thing consistently over and over again. After hearing that this weekend, and letting it simmer, I have enjoyed seeing how that has taken root in our family without me realizing it. It is sort of a core idea for how we operate, and the simple fact is that it never would have without our participation in a faith community that took it seriously and tried to make that come to life. Honestly, I think back to our first days as parents prior to stepping back into a church, and I shudder to think of what our life would look like, and how deeply unhappy I was and would still be. I would be measuring and feel measured all the days of my life. I would never have understood that I am indeed a beloved child of God, someone of worth, and I would not have been able to parent from that perspective. I am certain we would not have the family we have, not in number or in temperament.

"Church" can be such a turn off to people, and I am particularly sensitive to those immediate gut reactions that many have at the mere mention of religion. I was the same way once myself. What it took me a long time to recognize is that "church" is what I made of it, what I elected to take away from it...and that I had yet to find anything that equaled it in helping me gain a healthier way of seeing the world.

Thankfully though, God isn't grading me :-)
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

We had a special visitor this week, as Nancy Larson came to see us! What a treat it was to meet her in person, and spend a couple of hours chatting. The kids were quite excited to have her in our home. Nancy is sort of a mini-celebrity in the homesdchooling world, as she wrote the K-3 levels of the Saxon Math program, which is used throughout the US in private schools as well as by millions of homeschoolers, literally millions. She is also the developer of her own science curriculum, which we use and find to be absolutely terrific...particularly for our unique language learning needs with older kids.

Before Nancy arrived, the kids wrote questions they had for her on the white board, and Nancy graciously answered every one of them as she shared how she went about writing a curriculum, what her favorite science topics are, and much more. It was easy to see what a gifted teacher she must have been when still in the classroom, as she was terrific with the kids and treated them with respect and offered very thoughtful replies. Matthew had just said the week before we learned of her visit to Colorado "Mom, do you think we will ever meet Nancy Larson someday?", so it was funny when I got the email that Nancy wanted to know if we had time to connect while she was in Colorado. Here are a couple of photos from her visit:

"Now, let's see...what can we ask our Curriculum Super Hero??"

Nancy spending time with the kids as they look at a science book.

I loved this picture!

The Newest Member of our Family!

2012-01-07T00:01:00.000-07:00

I know...I know...we really need to get a life! But we were all very excited about our new addition. While it was hard on us all to say goodbye to a loved one, it couldn't be helped, and we gave her one last hug before sending her off into the sunset:

The poor installation guys had an audience as we all stood by and watched them deliver our new fridge, now officially known as "Frenchie" due to her lovely french doors. Frenchie is tall, light and lovely ;-0 She holds so much more than our old fridge that it is astonishing. After going shopping this week and putting things away, there still was room leftover which was previously unheard of. We all played with the interior water dispenser, oohed and ahhhed over the nice lighting that gently turns on when we open the door, and we gaped at the large drawers and spaces for milk in the doors.

Like I said, we really do need to get a life.

While I hated spending the money, I am super pleased with the purchase and think we will love her for years to come. She is BIG for our kitchen, but then the kids will only be getting bigger and I think we will be happy we got a larger size.

Here she is, before shopping...isn't she lovely??:

On another note, we met our prospective tenants last night. Poor things, I am sure they thought we were a bit off our rocker when we explained they needed to meet the kids and get their approval. We felt it only fair to involve them in the decision, since they did most of the work. They introduced themselves, explained all the work they did, and when we left they said they felt comfortable renting it to this young couple. We talked about God blessing us with the opportunity to get this house so reasonably, and that we needed to remember that and be a blessing to others in the ways we could. They all were glad we could help this couple get back on their feet and get a place of their own after a period of unemployment and living with relatives trying to get caught up on bills and find work. The couple's excitement was a joy to see, and watching their young son run around barefoot and teasing Joshua made us all feel as if maybe we were helping to offer them a real home at a reasonable price. The young mom had tears in her eyes, as Angela pointed out later after we left. We all couldn't help but feel good about this. We are well aware that things could still fall through, but they gave us a verbal commitment and plan to move in February 1st. We'll see how it all goes.

Otherwise, there is not much going on around here. We are trying to get back in the school mode, and the kids are devouring a series of books which are biographies. I am SO glad we stumbled on them as all everyone has finally found something they enjoy a lot to read. It has been a bit tough for the girls to find material they enjoy and can understand, as much of today's "girl" books contain a lot of slang terms or are a bit of a reach for their reading level yet. But suddenly after picking up one of these that Kenny had and that Josh had already become addicted to, both Angela and Olesya decided these were pretty awesome.

My day was a bit of a stinker as we had yet another battle with school over services for Kenny. You know, there are moments where literally I want to just throw in the towel. It is hard enough having a child with special needs, but it is harder still to have one that no one knows what to do with and can't help. Our homeschool program is trying to advocate for him, but it is still within a system that is painfully slow, and really doesn't work well for kids like Kenny at all. It's a long drawn out story I will not bore you with here, but suffice it to say that I am caught in the most circular arguments ever.

What is very difficult for me is that no one seems to understand the sense of urgency we feel. We had someone work with Kenny yesterday to once again evaluate him and document issues, and the educator looked at me as I was trying to explain and said "You need to not worry so much, he's fine." I was irked, and I said "Fine? Do you think it is normal for a child to decide out of the blue that it is OK to put a metal sauce pan in the microwave? Or when you ask him to bring you the toilet seat cover so you can wash it with the matching rugs and he brings you the ceramic top to the toilet tank? Or who on some days can not manage to write a word you are spelling letter by letter, no matter how hard he tries? You think that is 'fine'? That is the sort of thing we deal with every single day in life. Do you realize he will be eligible for a driver's permit in 2 1/2 years...do you want a child like this driving on the road with you?" He looked at me quietly for a moment and finally said "OK, I see your point, maybe there is a problem."

I did realize today that there is one huge gift of all of this frustration, and that is that we are 100 % off the treadmill of worrying about straight A's or perfect test scores. When you have, for example, two 13 year olds who ought to be in 8th grade technically, but who are in 5th and one of them is working at 3rd grade level in some work...you give up the notion of comparing and look for mere survival. We just want them to be happy, healthy and whole. We want them to graduate high school and pursue their dreams, whatever those might be. We'd love for each of them to find some area to shine in, even if the world doesn't value it but they derive worth from it. Sure, there are moments when I lose sight of how far we have come, because how far we have to go seems like the longest distance ever. But I do know we are making progress, one day at a time, and I have to hold on to that or it is too depressing. I just wish that once in awhile, for all of our sake's it was just a little easier. But maybe it IS easier, simply because we can all be who we are. It leaves little to brag about, but it also leaves space for us to explore, to move at our own pace, and to mess up without fear of what others think. That may eventually prove to be a great gift for everyone.

Maybe this picture from Christmas illustrates it well:

Here are the kids with their Christmas present...new bean bag chairs! It is sort of representative of our life...one beautiful bright color stacked upon another, support from all sides keeping it upright. It's a precarious tower, all right, but it is kind of pretty to look at in the right light :-)

And there is joy, lots and lots of joy. No matter what else isn't working well on any given day, that is the most important thing. Keep on remembering that, Cindy. Don't ever lose sight of it...it's about the joy. Anything else is lower on the list.

Before and After!

2012-01-03T23:14:00.001-07:00

We had a comment a couple of days ago asking for a "rental rehab" project update...funny you should ask :-) We finally finished! We were delayed only due to the holidays and getting the carpet installation scheduled. It went in this past week, and we have a meeting with tentative renters later this week.

It was interesting to complete the project and then sit down as a family to discuss what came next. Do we rent it out? Do we try and put it on the market now? At first, the kids were all 100% in favor of trying to sell it despite our original plans. They were leery after all their hard work of putting the home in the hands of renters who might not take good care of it, and finding ourselves having to go in and redo much of what we just finished. We listened to them, and got a couple of Realtors to give us an idea of the market at the moment, then shared the information with the kids. Then, we all sat down and analyzed the data presented...the Realtor's fees, the months of mortgage payments while it sits empty trying to sell it, capital gains taxes, current estimated market value...and we then looked at the market value 4 years ago which was quite different than it is today, which surprised the kids to see such a wide swing in property value.

In the midst of this process which took place over a few days, a possible tenant fell in our laps...a couple who needs a break and looked at the house already and are quite excited about living in what feels like an almost brand new home. We had said all along that we would let God lead us in this part of the decision, and taking everything into account it appears that renting right now is the right thing to do, and the approval was unanimous. So...landlords we will become!

The kids have every right to be extremely proud of themselves, and are glad the hard work is past us now. They completed their beautiful notebooks of the project and we turned them into our school today...each had written many journal entries, had included photos with captions, created at least 10-12 pages of calculations including project budget/estimates, actual cost versus estimate, square footage calculations, and much more. There were several pages of new vocabulary terms, safety rules, samples of paint and carpet selections, and just about anything we could think of that documented the learning that occurred. They spent about 3 hours finishing them up last night, and each was well done.

So....::::Drum roll::::...Here it is!

Before

After

Before

After

Before

After

Before

After

Before

After

Part of the Crew

This was a huge project, and included re-roofing, painting the entire interior and exterior and enormous fence, drywall repair in several places, new flooring, light electrical and plumbing, a couple tons of gravel, and a lot of elbow grease. Add in the documentation of learning the kids did in their notebooks and it was quite a project. Each of the kids spent more than 150 hours on the project...and I think for 9, 12 and 13 year olds with no prior experience they did an outstanding job. They do feel a sense of accomplishment, and they learned so much throughout the past couple of months. There is a sense now that they can tackle large, adult tasks and handle them, and that they have learned firsthand the wisdom of repairing things yourself versus paying others to do it for you...and when it is wiser to pay for a professional to do a job.

An understanding of finances was gained in ways that nothing else could have accomplished, and they did better than many adults would have done! Paint estimates were right on the money, with not a single extra can needed and not a single full extra can left, just enough for touch ups. Total project cost came in $1700 UNDER budget, thanks in large part to their careful shopping and being willing to tackle most jobs themselves. All the kids were wide eyed in the initial phases as we were talking about projected expenses being in the thousands, and taking a second out on our own home to allow us to do this together as a family signaled to them just how much trust we were placing in them...a trust that was well earned, but they knew immediately that they needed to take this very seriously, and they sure did. A better work crew would be very hard to find.

We are hopeful that our prospective tenants will work out and indeed end up moving in soon. We are also hoping that the house will be a blessing to anyone who lives there, that it will provide them with a real home...not just a house...and that whoever resides there will experience peace and abundance as they live under that brand new roof. We know the pitfalls to renting, and we hope we don't face too many of them. But for now we can look upon the project as a job well done, and an extraordinary learning opportunity that might never come along again before adulthood. It built confidence, it built skill, and it built a stronger family unit as we worked together. We are all taking the risk together as well. Frankly, I can't think of another group I'd like to sink or swim with!

2012 - The Year of Giving!

2011-12-31T05:23:00.000-07:00

In my previous post I declared I had no resolutions, and at the moment I was correct. However, upon reading the ongoing news stories about the movement started by one person who paid off the layaway accounts at a Walmart, I have been inspired. For those who have not been tracking this story, there have been dozens of other folks who have now gone in to Walmarts and KMarts all across the US and paid off layaways for others. I love how this has gained momentum organically, particularly during a time in our country's history when so many are in dire need. I read a comment on one of the news stories in which someone wrote about many ways to do "little giving" and make a difference in the world, and the light bulb went on for me.

I hereby declare 2012 to be The Year of Giving for the LaJoy family!

I have no idea yet what shape or form this will take, but it will be our family motto for the year and we will encourage one another to look for ways in which we can do "little givings" all around us. While we have always tried in the past to do things where we can, this is going to take on an intentionality that we have never had before, and will involve all of us looking for an opportunity or two every single day to give. Maybe it will be as simple as giving up a parking space to someone else, paying for a Happy Meal for someone at McDonald's, or leaving a note for someone. Maybe it will be bigger giving of our time at our local food bank, or reminding ourselves to always pick up a little something extra while shopping so we can share with others every single week.

I think this could be profound for our family, as we need to be reminded as we walk through one of the tougher times we have had in our lives, that indeed we have plenty and always have something to give. It may just transform this lean period for us into a profound year of recognizing our true wealth!!! We need to realize all the ways we have of giving, all we have to offer, and that even if we have less at times we always have something we can share...even if it is a single can of corn. I am excited even typing this! In fact, I think we will keep a journal as a family and document our "little givings" each morning during our school Morning Meeting, as it will be a way of engaging the kids and having them get jazzed about adding something as often as possible. Then, when we hit a rocky time ourselves, we can read our journal and reflect on ways we have more than enough to share.

Our family is continually showered with blessings, both big and small. We have been recipients time and time again of "little givings" and of course BIG GIVINGS. Sometimes we all feel overwhelmed when we look around us and think we can't make a difference because the need is so great. And yet I don't know how many times we have all recalled the time we sat at Applebee's for a celebratory late night dinner as the boys broke their first board in TaeKwonDo...and a lovely couple across from us left having paid our bill. I also remember the love shown us by complete strangers...all of you blog reader...as I was "showered" before the girls came home with gift cards all mailed here to our house. Or how a long time Kazakhstan adoption buddy used her Disney pass to drive over an hour to give our family a super special treat of entrance into Disneyland...not once, but twice...and fed us at her house to boot! Or even the simplest "little giving" of five boxes of Lemonheads when someone recently heard that those were my favorites :-) It doesn't take much to make a difference, or to move someone from feeling anxious in their heart to cared for.

In the spirit of "little givings", I want to share what your "little givings" accomplished this year with your donations in the name of our family to John Wright's Pie in the Face Challenge. Go to his blog and read the past several days entries, check out the photos and smiles. There are literally thousands of children and families being impacted by your "little givings" and our giggles and pies in the face. You need to see this, don't delay, go on over right now to start off your 2012 in a very special way. John is there with his wife Julie, and his daughters Emma and Bekah right now and participating in bringing Christmas to Kyrgyzstan's orphans. More importantly, John is always working to see to it that poverty doesn't cause families to be separated and even more children to be placed in the orphanage system. You want to know poverty? You think life is bad because you can't afford your daily Starbucks as easily? What John and his family witness and try to prevent every single day in Kyrgyzstan is a level of poverty none of us can fathom. Go on, take a look at your "little givings" and then make a commitment along with us to make 2012 your own personal Year of Giving. http://www.actofkindness.blogspot.com/

I wonder what collectively all of us could do if we each did just a little every day?

2012??

2011-12-30T08:08:00.001-07:00

2012 is almost here, and I wonder what it will hold for us? No resolutions this year, just a desire to make it through relatively unscathed. I have a gut feeling it is going to be a very hard year ahead of us, and I am hoping I will be pleasantly surprised. All we can do is give it our best every day, remain faithful, and see where we are led. While I will not make any resolutions, I will offer up my wishes for 2012:

1) That Dominick is busy throughout the year with plenty of work.
2) I wish that the kids all continue to blossom in both spirit and heart.
3) That my Mom regain mobility and more independence than she currently has.
4) I hope that our church family remains strong and gains momentum this year.
5) That somehow we have a breakthrough with Kenny.
6) That I would learn to completely stop comparing in any area of my life.
7) I wish for all our friends a stable, loving and productuve year ahead.

Of course I'd love to lose weight, have more money, do something fabulous in 2012...all the traditional resolutions...but honestly I'd be thrilled to simply make it to 2013 intact!!

We had a little relief on the appliance front, as Dominick was able to repair our oven, and through some odd quirk our phones mysteriously started working again. The fridge, however, is totally shot, and we decided to purchase a new one a couple of days ago. It will be delivered next week, so we are starting the year with at least one thing in tip top shape! Haha!

I was so grateful for the Great Appliance Meltdown of 2011 though, because we were the recipients of lots of loving gestures from friends, one of whom was even willing to give us a used stove and fridge out of their own rental home, just to save us. While we declined because we couldn't let them do that to themselves, we felt as if we had been given a great big hug...and honestly...it made us feel so cared for. We just realized we have many years ahead of us with kids home, and the fridge being opened and closed a gazzillion and a half times, so in order to avoid having this happen again in just a few years we had probably better go with new versus used. We are usually "used" folks, looking for bargains where we can, but there are some things that it just makes sense to get new if you can possibly manage it. Certain things in our home get tons of wear and tear, and the fridge is one of them. We will now have a bigger fridge than we currently have, and that will help as well.

Joshie turned 9 the day after Christmas, but we will be celebrating today with a trip to an indoor playground and New Years Eve with a cake and a gift. Our sweet boy is so grown up sometimes, it is hard to remember he is only 9 years old! We all have to stop ourselves sometimes and remind oursleves that he is the baby of the family. Being around older siblings most of the time, he has taken on their traits and is very responsible, mature, and organized. Funny how all of us count on him in ways that are surprising, because he is such a stable young man. Joshie is hard to shop for because he rarely plays with toys much, preferring instead to spend hours in imaginary play as he acts out scenes with characters and pretends he is a super hero or character from Star Wars. But he loves books, and loves sciency things, and loves his Abraham Lincoln! Hahaha! We were in Barnes and Noble this week and he asked if he could use some of his Christmas money to buy some biographies, and he bought five of them.

All the kids will be working with Dominick on weekends this winter, and they are talking about saving up money to start a business together. I threw out the idea of a button maker, since it is campaign season, and then trying to sell them at various events. I didn't realize how expensive a simple button maker is, as I researched it later! They still might do it though. It would be a great way for them to learn about entrepreneurship. So 2012 might see them making their first million...hahaha!

May 2012 be a good year for all, for our country, for people all over the world. May suffering diminish, may kindness explode!

A Christmas Letter

2011-12-29T00:46:00.000-07:00

I stood looking out the window, after having paced the floor for hours on end. Outside I look down on a scene that had come to feel far less foreign than it had a mere 3 weeks earlier. The desolate, empty streets lay below drab concrete apartments, and the wind whipped the snow into miniature tornadoes as I viewed it through the ice encrusted bedroom window. My heart and mind were on overload as I tried to imagine a future ahead of us that I already knew would be a difficult uphill battle to win the heart of an 11 year old girl. Her sister's heart was primed and ready to accept the love being offered by a new family, for she had not suffered so much at the hands of her first mother...she brought with her no memories of drunken rages, of rejection, of murder. Thankfully, she had been spared.

Two years ago, we were on the verge of a court date after an incredibly rocky visitation period with Angela and Olesya. The adoption at one point was abandoned, as we knew it would clearly be impossible to bring home an unwilling pre-teen, despite the fact that for years prior she had waited and yearned for us to come. It appeared to simply be too late, the window of opportunity had slammed shut, and her heart had hardened unexpectedly...and yet understandably. We had been encouraged by so many to continue to push her, to force her to come with us regardless of her own strong reluctance to leave behind the familiar. We felt the decision was made for us when she made it clear that she no longer had any desire to be adopted, and she laughed and smiled as she walked away from us during what we thought was going to be our last visit at the orphanage. With broken hearts we climbed into the car on the coldest night I had ever experienced, both literally and figuratively, and it was the single most painful moment of my life as I looked back over my shoulder to discover that Olesya was staring out at us through the window, watching as her mommy and daddy drove away without her, for we could not take the willing one without the unwilling one.

Two days later we found ourselves in the Director's office, a very contrite and apologetic Angela sitting before us, her red rimmed eyes told the story that was verified by the Director, that she had spent the last 24 hours begging to call us, looking for forgiveness, recognizing that maybe she had it in her to give love a chance one last time. It wasn't the phone call asking us to return that convinced me that we should move forward, it wasn't even the look on her face. It was what I felt as I held her in my arms as we spoke of our great sorrow at a birth mom who had let her down, and of the truths that we shared about her recent behavior and our reluctance to do something that might prove to be damaging not only for our family, but for her as well. There was a molding into me as I held her, momentary though it was, that hinted at a future that just might hold a special relationship. There was a sense of her honesty as she allowed us to catch a glimpse of her heart. Mostly, there was God whispering "It's OK...it won't be easy...but it's OK."

And initially, it sure wasn't easy. There was a prickliness, a few incidences bordering on complete disrespect, there was boundary setting and Tough Love. There have been profound emotional releases, reliving the past, and learning to trust again. There was language learning,cultural exploration, introduction to what family is all about, and an undoing of harmful habits and behaviors.

I try to convey here on the blog what has happened throughout these past two years, how children adopted at older ages adapt and cope, how they heal and move forward, how they struggle against setbacks and deficits that many of us can never imagine trying to function with. If infant adoption is scary, then older child adoption is terrifying. It is why so few children over the age of four years old are adopted, because the older they are the harder it is for them to adapt, or so the mindset goes. They can be more emotionally damaged, crippled by years of neglect, malnutrition, lack of stimulation, and much more. They are at higher risk of reactive attachment disorder, making it impossible for a family to connect deeply with them. And they can sometimes be dangerous, as we all understand from stories we have read.

But sometimes...and in our case three times with older children...a miracle can occur. A heart can be made whole again, a brain can be taught to function better, a body can be healed. Every once in awhile, and I believe it is more often than we hear about, a child and parent can truly become family regardless of how hard the road is to get there or how old they are when they begin that journey.

This Christmas, two years out from that journey that broke not just child but parent as well, we received the single best Christmas present we will likely ever receive. It didn't come wrapped in pretty paper or tied with a bright red bow. Instead it sat unpretentiously propped up on a branch of our tree, waiting to be quietly handed to me to read. I was unprepared for the emotional note I would find under the beautifully drawn cover...a tree decorated with ornaments bearing the names of each member of our family. As I began to read, I was unable to hold back the tears. There is no gift that could have measured up to this one, and it was a validation of how hard we all have worked to build this family of ours, as well as an acknowledgement of the fact of just how worth it the arduous journey is. For those of you who have followed our family for years, who have prayed for us and our children, who know us personally and have offered up your heart and helping hands and wondered how we really are doing with Angela, let me share this:

The body of the letter says the following:

Dear Mom and Dad,

Merry Christmas! I hope you have a very wonderful Holiday with us. Sence (since) I came to this house I'm so happy everyday even when I get in trouble or having a bad time, I so glad it is this house and you are my parents. I don't care if you are reach (rich) or poor I really care that you love me everyday and night, that is the most important thing in my family. As I'm writing this letter to you I mean every single word about you. Thank you for always incourage (encourage) me that I can be anything I want. Thank you for teaching me at home I learened (learned) a lot from you and about you. Merry Christmas.

I love you bolth (both) so much,
Angela

The depth of relationship we now have with Angela is beyond anything I dared hope for during that long, frozen winter in Kazakhstan two years ago. I would have been overjoyed to achieve half of what we have today. All our children are a gift, each equally special and priceless. Winning Joshua's heart was a herculean effort, a battle I spent years not certain we would actually win. And yet, there is abiding love. Matthew's love was simple, easy, very much like Olesya's from the very first moment. For some the opening of the heart is not as difficult, and once in awhile a child appears to have been waiting for your arrival, as if to say "Hey, what took you so long?". Kenny's love was offered the quickest and yet at first was shallow and offered casually...he would have loved anyone who walked by and paid him the slightest attention! Today his love is appropriate and centered, it is mature and selective as abiding love ought to be. Angela's love was hard earned, and required a toughness of spirit that demanded respect from her first, for it was easy to see immediately that respect and a show of inner strength would have to preface love, or she'd never feel safe enough to relax into it.

Those awkward, painful, frustrating first months are long behind us now. Our days are filled with giggles and warmth, walking through the store with arms around one another, working side by side in the kitchen as we call out to the others to come help put away dishes, ocassionally being tested as is the case with any 13 year old and yet when "called" on the infraction there is an owning up to it that surprises every one of us and humbles us with the willingness to take the heat without excuse. There is incredible mutual respect, and a deep appreciation for what we now have as we sometimes quietly talk about that hard, long winter of distance and cold shoulders. The apologies for that time have finally stopped, forgiveness has been internalized, and an awareness has blossomed that yes, we actually do love her, no matter what. And we always will. Each and every one of our children know that, and now believe it.

Team LaJoy is a unique entity. It is a group of individuals brought together by the whisper of the Spirit that was heeded, it exists to provide support and encouragement to one another as we make our way through lives that can be terribly difficult sometimes, and it is here within this little clan of non-blood related individuals where we have found our true family, the one we were always each meant to have. Every single one of us has shed tears of loneliness prior to finding one another, we have all felt a profound sense of loss as we once had no one to to hold or be held by. Our souls cried out to one another across time and continents. Looking around the dinner table at this motley collection of people, hearing the laughter generated at ridiculously bad jokes or the passing of gas, sharing the little kindnesses offered one another or to others outside our family, it is so easy to see that these specific people simply belonged together, regardless of any prior lives. At this time and place, and with the exact backgrounds we all come from, we fit...we belong together...we are Team LaJoy for a reason. We are connected in ways we can't describe...even if others sometimes look at us and assume we are nothing more than a foreign exchange class!

What I'd most like for others to know from our past 11 years of life as a family formed through adoption is that children can heal, and you can handle more than you think. Our stories shared so openly for the world to read are to share that truth with you...and to show that indeed it is not easy. Pre-adoption fears should not be ignored but should also not stop you from moving forward. You might find yourself facing the very challenges that were the most fear inducing, we did. You also might find that those very challenges build you into someone new, and in the process help a child become whole again.

This Christmas was the best ever, for many, many reasons that had nothing to do with the hyped version of Christmas we all have thrust upon us. I hope sincerely that yours was as well.

Obligation Free Christmas

2011-12-24T23:58:00.000-07:00

I did something right this year, and I think we are getting this Christmas thing down! I sit here on Christmas Eve, as everyone is in bed, and I don't feel totally wiped out or stressed. We have worked hard to make Christmas more meaningful over the past few years. Kazakhstan two years ago taught me even more, when I saw that the simplest Christmas we ever had was also the best Christmas we ever had. We have pared it down, and I have worked hard to keep myself from feeling obligated to "do", "be", and "buy". As I write this tonight in my finally quiet house, I realized it actually worked. Year by year, Christmas is more about the things that matter, and less about the things that don't, and it is trickling down to the kids as well.

We've had a lovely couple of days leading up to the actual holiday tomorrow. We spent a lot of time in the company of friends, less time fussing over last minute details, and everyone is very, very happy. The kids are all such a big help these days, clean ups are a snap, and I am getting help in numerous ways which also serves to allow me to enjoy the holidays as well. Having friends over for dinner tonight, Kenny and Olesya set the table while Angela made enchiladas with only a tiny bit of assistance from me. There was some housecleaning going on while I was behind closed doors wrapping a few final gifts, and Matthew spent the day working with Dominick at the restaurant as it was wildly busy as people come in for ski vacations and to visit family. I know everyone probably thinks that having five kids in the house means more mess...and they would be correct...but it can also mean an incredible amount of help. The truth is, these days I actually prefer to have the kids come grocery shopping with me than leave them home. Crazy, you say? They haul it, bag it, carry it, and help put it all away without complaint. My trip is far shorter with them along. And today I realized I was going to Christmas Eve service feeling less scrambled than I ever have, and it is in large part due to the ways in which the kids contribute to making life easier around here.

Comments from the kids this evening included "I LOVED church tonight, it was exciting!", Angela saying "I really like the song Miss Janet played when church was over, the one that sounds like bells...it was beautiful and is my favorite." "Dinner with our friends was special", "Skiing with my best friend today, it's the best treat ever!", and from Matthew..."Saying Merry Christmas to everyone at the restaurant today, it was kinda cool."

Sledding with friends, visiting and being together, singing by candlelight, familiar ornaments staring back at us from the tree, a fire to enjoy, hard candy made to share, traditional enchiladas on Christmas Eve, Christmas lights, these are the things I want them to carry in their heart when one day they look back on their childhood Christmas'. They are growing up, the excitement of Santa is waning, and replacing that is the comfort of belonging, the joy of giving, the understanding of what it is all about.

As I await the sounds of gentle, steady breathing so that I may play Santa one last year and fill stockings, and deposit gifts under the tree, I know that their childhood is drawing to a close, and adolescence is upon us. Oh, how our children adopted at older ages want to cling to it!! Angela was absolutely intent on visiting Santa, telling me in the car how much she loves seeing him even if she doesn't want to ask for anything. Olesya and she both left notes for Santa along with snacks tonight, and I am deeply grateful that they have had the past two Christmas' to revisit the childhood that they were cheated out of. How I wish we could have given them back those years! But we have done our best to let them be exactly who they are, and let them guide us as they show us what they need. We are not rushing them to grow up, and one huge reason we are grateful to be homeschooling is that they can have this period of time to be the little children in teenaged bodies that they need to be. Kenny too, as we see him gradually maturing daily we are reminded that he is showing us over and over again exactly who he needs to be right now, and thankfully, God has given us the wisdom to listen. I think that our kids are in a better place emotionally for it, and we are so glad we are surrounded by supportive, nurturing friends who don't express doubt over our decisions and in fact seem to understand them. They were forced to grow up too fast, and missed too much. While they zip quickly through earlier stages, they still need to steep back and play with Barbies at 13, or play superheroes at 13.

For example, I think I shared about Olesya wanting a beautiful dress for the first time...one of her own. What did she want? Over and over she pointed out velvety red toddler dresses with white fur trim, fancy very little girl dresses that scream out "adorable" to all who would purchase them. I knew it would be a tough order to fill, as she and Angela are both in Junior sizes now, and most of today's Juniors would never wear anything that didn't make them look like they were in college, and pursuing boys. After scouring the malls in California when we were out there and finding not a single thing that was appropriate, I gave up. Luckily, our dear Miss Jill kept it in mind and found the perfect dress that Olesya was ecstatic over. While it wasn't red, and it wasn't velvet, it was beautiful, appropriate, and made her feel like a princess. Doesn't every girl need to feel that way once in awhile?

More importantly, no one would ever understand how symbolic this dress was for Olesya. For almost 2 years we have been trying to get her to stand out from under Angela's shadow, to express her opinion, to be who she truly is and not feel obligated to put her own feelings or likes aside. Wearing a dress is something Angela has no desire to do, although she has promised Dominick he will see her in one maybe for graduation from high school, or when she gets married :-) Olesya is far more "girlie", and has tended to downplay that part of herself because Angela is not like that. Seeing her in her dress tonight was a huge boost for all of us, as we see her slowly gaining confidence in herself, and with her siblings supporting that change she will eventually become "Olesya", not "Angela's sister". I want that for her so badly, and am heartened to see the baby steps she is beginning to take. I also loved that although Angela would rather die than wear a dress like this, she told Olesya that she looked very pretty and helped her do her hair. In the car on the way home tonight, I commented on how pretty she looked and Josh chimed in unprompted "Olesya looks beautiful tonight!!" We think so too, and one day she will recognize her own worth:

As you go about the rest of your holiday tomorrow, look around you and take a mental photograph. For those of you who may be waiting for children still trapped by a system that makes no sense, we continue to pray for you. For those of you who will share the day with friends and loved ones, recall those no longer with you, and take a moment to be thankful for their presence in your life. As the kids all talked about in the car this evening, "presence" is far more important than "Presents", and they all agreed as they had this conversation among themselves, that they'd rather have someone spend time with them and care about them than to have lots of gifts to unwrap. And I explained to Matthew as we talked about how Christmas felt different this year, how as you grow older "presence" takes on new meaning and becomes the real reason for the season. He quietly rested his head on my shoulder as we talked, and I knew he was beginning to understand that on an entirely new level this year.

Merry Christmas to you, my friends both known and unknown. We wish you a holiday filled with love, hugs and laughter...we wish you a holiday filled with "presence".

Happy Birthday, Jesus!

Happy Birthday, Joshua!

Pie In The Face!!

2011-12-22T22:33:00.001-07:00

While it is late, consider this your Christmas gift. :-) Thank you so much for donating to John Wright's Pie in the Face Challenge. There are so many children who will know that someone cares about them, and who will have a special Christmas thanks to your generosity. There is no way for you to understand what your monetary gifts will do...they will bring hope...they will bring smiles...most importantly they will remind children that they are not forgotten and that they are loved. The kind of poverty faced in Kyrgyzstan is beyond our understanding. You nor I can fathom what it is like to wish that maybe you will have a job that will earn you enough money so that you can actually have rice to eat every day. Nothing else, just rice. Or that you might just be able to have coal for heat this winter instead of freezing near to death for months on end. For the children who are institutionalized in Kyrgyzstan's orphanages, there is never enough food for tummies to feel full, never decent clothing, never enough medical care. They ARE abandoned, alone and forgotten.

Except for the fact that they are not forgotten by any of us, not by you, and not by our family. John and his family will soon be over in Kyrgyzstan for a quick trip to take part in all the Christmas celebrations that your help has brought about. If you find that you desire to help in some other way, please contact John over at www.actofkindness,blogspot.com and offer even another small monetary donation for heat for a senior, for rice for a hungry tummy, or maybe to make a small dream come true for someone. It doesn't take much, and I promise you having met John and been associated with him for years now, he and his family are the "real deal". What you give is always used for the stated purpose, you will receive photos so you will feel more a part of your giving, and John will communicate with you to let you know more if you so wish. Direct giving is what it is, and the results are incredible.

Now, for the Main Event...here is the video!:

Thanks so much for all you do!!

Psallite!!

2011-12-21T23:34:00.001-07:00

Blessed are we.

Oh yes, how blessed are we.

As I look out my window this morning and see,

Winter's coat draped over my front yard tree.

Out the back my eye lingers as I ask how it can be

That despite all the trials how blessed are we!!

So nobody ever said I was a poet...or a writer for that matter! But I just had to share these photos of our yard with you taken earlier this week after a wonderful new snow had fallen. We don't have a beautiful yard as many of our friends do, and we are not at all interested much in gardening. However, there is something about winter blanketing everything...the silence that arrives with it...the crispness of the air...and I love every single moment and flake. It can transform the most mundane landscape into a virtual magical canvas.

Tonight I found Christmas, a mere few minutes after sharing with someone seated next to me that this was one of those years when it just wasn't going to seep into my soul. 30 minutes later, and the mystical magic of music and community had worked its wonders on my heart, and by the end of choir practice I walked out with a lift that only choir can offer. While we certainly don't sound quite as professional as the quartet below, this is one of the pieces we were working diligently on tonight, and eventually found our groove. Janet, if you are reading this, I think I prefer this version to the link you sent earlier:

http://youtu.be/6XTy1Z3PmT8

What began in November as a little bit of a rough patch to get over has grown ever more comically into a pothole large enough to lose an 18-Wheeler in! You've all shared in the saga of the medical bills, the car repairs, the unexpected fridge breakdown (which the jury is still out on about whether it is actually repaired or not...Dominick gave it one last desperate attempt), and even our house telephone has kicked the bucket. This afternoon we were pre-heating the oven and I smelled gas. Sure enough, the oven is now on the fritz and Dominick has ordered a part hoping he can repair it. Oh yea, and the part won't come in until Monday.

Somehow though, as frustrating as it can be, I think I needed today to nudge me back to a place where I saw things more clearly than I have in awhile. I have been living a less-than faithful period here, worrying and fretting about the future, letting financial concerns eat at me in ways they haven't in a very long time. We have a tough year ahead of us on several fronts, and doubt was creeping in ever sneakily, settling in for a long winter of torment...a torment that exists only if I allow it.

Today was sort of the last straw, and had me throwing my hands up and laughing. What else can you do? Every single one of us has walked through times like we are encountering, and there is nothing you can do but recognize, as I posted to Facebook, that there really far worse things that we could be facing right now. It actually COULD get a lot worse! And standing side by side in the kitchen today with the girls and Kenny as we made candy...and ruined a double batch of fudge thanks to Matthew's haphazardly reading the recipe...it was a strong reminder of what really matters. The joy, the sharing of good times and bad, the laughter and messes we make together, the cleaning up together.

As I thought this evening about why I have been so tense about our finances lately, I had an "Ah Hah" moment when I recognized something I hadn't thought about. Why is it feeling so scary? What is it that is causing such great concern all of a sudden? We've certainly had really rough times before and it didn't affect me to this degree. Then it clicked...we were told by so many people before adopting the girls that we would find ourselves in dire straights, that we were making a huge mistake and were too foolish to recognize it. Now, we are stumbling a little and it feels as if I ought to be ashamed, that others are being proven right, and our faithful step in adding to our family because we felt called to do so was indeed folly. Ahhhh...so I think much of what I am personally dealing with is sadly all about losing face, caring too much about the predictions of others, and failing to trust that our needs WILL be met.

The difference too is that maybe our idea of "needs" is different than others. Oh, we all need food and shelter, but I think that "Needs" as defined by Dominick and I lean more toward needing to feel as if we are being the change we wish to see in the world, needing to hold others and be held, needing to nurture and cherish others, needing to laugh, and needing to be part of a committed and caring family. As I really thought about it, the truth is that if we were ever to lose our house (we are not in danger of that at this time, just taking it to the worst case), and we found we had to live in a small apartment with seven of us, we really wouldn't be all that upset. A house is simply a container for the love between us all, and any container will do. But if we lost the laughter we all share, then life would be terribly difficult.

I think we ALL feel as if we are hanging on by a thread sometimes, our family isn't the only one. Much of the pressure we feel lately is due entirely to choices we have carefully made. They are choices that I still maintain were 100% the right ones for us, and we knew ahead of time they would demand lifestyle changes and sacrifices. It's always been hard, and right now it is just harder. The truth is, I am sure it will get even harder than it is now. So what? God is STILL providing us with what we all need...each other.

We all went to support Matthew in his endeavors with Civil Air Patrol on Monday night when they had their family banquet. We goofed around a little prior to going and took some pictures:

Taa Daa!!! The King for the evening.

Matthew showing off his rank advancement ribbons and pins, he's worked hard and accomplished a lot in a short period of time. Just noticed the ornaments with photos of him as a little boy hanging over his shoulder.

Happy, handsome men of mine. Was there ever a better set of smiles on any young men?

The LaJoy women...ALL of them! The girls insisted that Sunny needed to join us so we were equal in number to the boys. How many years did I wish for a moment like this, our daughters home where they belonged, family photos in front of the tree. Dreams do come true.

How wealthy we are!!!! We have what many yearn for, and I have no idea why we were so richly blessed. It isn't easy, nothing good ever is. Many will toil to move their way up the corporate ladder, many others will spend years burning the midnight oil as they work toward advanced degrees in their chosen fields. Our "work" looks different, but it is hard work nonetheless. It doesn't lead to promotions, titles and parchments hanging on the wall.

It leads to these smiles, this warmth, this family created where once there was none.

As I contemplate the whys and hows of this life of ours, as I fret and stew once in awhile and let fear have its way with me temporarily, I will keep in mind what this season is all about. In the words of the hymn we were singing this evening:

Original Text

Psallite unigenito
Christo, Dei Filio,
Psallite Redemptori,
Domino, puerulo
jacenti in praesepio.
Ein kleines Kindelein liegt in dem Krippelein.
Alle lieben Engelein dienen dem Kindelein
und singen ihm fein.
Psallite unigenito...

English Translation

Sing your psalms to Christ,
the begotten Son of God,
sing your psalms to the Redeemer,
to the Lord, the little Child
lying in a manger bed.
A small Child lies in the manger.
All the blessed angels fall before Him
and sing.
Sing...

Sing our psalms to our Redeemer, who redeems our life in ways that go well beyond forgiveness of sin or heavenly homes. It is the Christ that walks with me here and now that helps me make it through each challenging day, it is the knowledge that my life before walking with Christ was so much harder, so much emptier, so much less meaningful.

I rest tonight knowing my true needs will always be met, that the Christ who comes assures me of that.

And I shall fall before Him and sing!!

(Tomorrow is Pie Day! The photos today look WAAAYYY cleaner than the photos tomorrow will look!)

"Showstopper"

2011-12-18T23:14:00.000-07:00

This afternoon I had a friend and fellow blog reader email me a link to an article on CNN's Belief Blog, wanting my take on it as she struggled with it. Me thinks that for her 'twas a bit like the whole Tim Tebow and Tebowing focus at the moment for me, one which I am still on the fence about and will blog about soon, I am sure. There was so much there in the article for me to think about, that I thought I'd work it out a bit here on the blog. Maybe there are others for whom this will touch a chord as well.

Here is a link to the article, so you all can know what I am talking about...it's a fairly quick read and would be interesting to hear your thoughts as well:

http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2011/12/17/my-take-being-poor-on-christmas/?hpt=hp_c1

The author of the blog post, Tangela Ekhoff, was writing to share the contrast for her family this year versus prior years. She is an ordained elder in the Presbyterian Church, USA, and like many Americans they have been hard hit this past year and are struggling to keep afloat. Her description of her disappointment in not being able to provide their children with the kind of Christmases they had grown accustomed to was one that resonates with many right now, I am sure.

As I read her post, I felt a bit conflicted...conflicted by my own feelings which I recognized as being judgmental, and I am not proud of it, and conflicted by our societal sense of what makes Christmas really "Christmas". Now, would I feel the same if her byline didn't state her elder status? Admittedly, probably not. But read this quote which is her first paragraph of the post, and see how it hits you:

For my husband and me, the crown jewel of success as parents is the shrieks and wanton joy that come when our children open presents on Christmas morning. It’s enough to breach the dams in my eyes. Every year, my husband (the better shopper) picks one big-ticket gift for our boys, the one we call “the Showstopper!”

Click Here For Images &
Xmas Tree Pictures - Pictures

Wow. The first sentence was enough to stop me in my tracks, and I could see why my friend emailed me about this. She and I often go back and forth discussing faith matters, both of us on opposite side of the proverbial Faith Fence...and yet realizing through dialogue that often we are standing with feet firmly planted on the same side. So much for the Pagan/Athiest/Tree Goddess Worshipper vs. Christian battle.

"The crown jewel of success as parents is the shrieks and wanton joy that come when our children open presents on Christmas morning." How sad it was for me to read that, and to recognize that a mere few years ago on my own journey that might have been a little closer to my feelings than I now like to admit. Today I would cringe in mortification at the thought of seeing Dominick and I as "successful parents" because we managed to "score" the right gifts for our kids for Christmas.

Of course, all of us want to give gifts that the recipient delights in. But how did we come to a place culturally where our children's response on Christmas morning equals "success" as parents? What caused this distorted perspective? No wonder parents continue along the path to ever greater "Showstopper" gifts each year, it is the way they measure their performance...as if the decibel level of the shriek upon tearing open the package is a grade on some sort of Parental Report Card.

The author goes on to point out that in their house this year, there will be no "Showstopper" gift, no special, over-the-top, Best of All, dream fulfilling gift for their children. She shares that this year, they are in such difficult circumstances that instead of being the ones fulfilling the wish of a needy child whose name they find on an "Angel Tree", it will be a role reversal as it will be her own children's names hanging from that Angel Tree hopeful of being selected by an unknown, kindly stranger.

She goes on to speak of the season of Advent, and that this year "My greatest hope, as we await the birth of Jesus, is that God restores our family financially." I am sure many have prayed similar prayers during these years of economic downturn. Homes lost, dreams dying, stress rising, and no relief in sight. As the reports just came out this week from recent census data, we are now at a point where fully 50% of all Americans are now categorized as "poor" or "low income".

I do understand...I truly do. For a large number of us, we are watching as our middle class incomes are slipping away from us. We are grasping hard at the ledge, trying not to fall backwards and land hard, finding ourselves firmly planted in "low income" and wondering how that happened so quickly. We are beginning to realize that we just may not recover swiftly, or at all, and our children may be the first in many generations to find themselves living at income levels lower than what their parents were raised with.

I have always been honest here within the blog about the financial challenges we face. Many would ask why I would share such information openly, but I recognized a long time ago that people wanting to adopt are often afraid of lowering their standard of living to make it happen, and I want them to see that while there is truth in that happening for many of us, the rewards are far and away worth every financial step backward. We all know the cost of adopting is exorbitant, and it is what keeps many children from finding their forever families. If by being honest about the kinds of setbacks we face and sharing about the sacrifices which ultimately end up NOT feeling like sacrifices helps others move to "yes", then it is worth it for us to publicly speak about that which most will not. Just as I hope that sharing about our experiences adopting older children has helped others be more receptive to the idea of sharing their heart with a child who may not be able to fit neatly in their arms.

This past year has been a tough one for us, we are a family of 7 with a stay at home mom trying to make it on a "Car Wash" guy's salary. Our small town is experiencing a prolonged downturn, and things like auto details are a luxury, therefore business is very slow. Understatement there...veeeerrrryyy slow. We had some incredible quiet help with Christmas this year for the kids, without which we would have slimmer pickin's than usual, but thanks to a couple of dear friends' thoughtful gestures and a grandma's generosity, the kids will not really feel it too much.

And no, unfortunately, we won't be helping a child on an Angel Tree ourselves this year.

But I have to ask...what kind of parents would we be if that were the essence of Christmas? And while we are definitely having a hard time, as I look around at all we have there is no way I would ever call us "poor", even though the fact might be that looking at our income this year we just might qualify for assistance in some areas. We are like hundreds of thousands of others out there throughout America, we have our cars and our home, our electronics and our "stuff", but suddenly our income has shifted and we are not able to maintain the standard of living we have become used to. Some things will have to be placed firmly in the "Wants" column rather than the "Needs" column, and there they may sit for years to come.

But is that really what qualifies one as "poor" these days? That we can't always have what we want anymore? That our kids may not shriek with delight on Christmas morning?

And the most disturbing thing to me about what the author wrote...is Advent about awaiting the arrival of Jesus, and praying for a return to our prior financial status? Isn't that contrary to what Jesus teaches us? Doesn't he speak of casting off all treasures and following him? Am I really to think that I will somehow draw closer to God if my previous economic standing is restored?

Or will I ignore my donut "hole" and instead look at the entirety of the donut itself? Will we recognize the fact that having less creates more opportunity for our family to be enriched with relationships with others as we spend time with them and each other. Or that having a leaner year...or two...or three...or even perhaps a permanent decendence to the lowest rung of lower middle class...will build within us an even greater sense of gratitude for the necessities of life being met. Will we all draw closer to God as we learn once again, and maybe finally internalize, that we can not count on the world to meet our needs, but that God and God alone is capable of doing that? Will my donut include the recognition that no matter how hard life gets, we always have something we can share with others even if it is only time, love and care?

And is all of the above indicative of being "poor"? Or is it actually a sign of the greatest kind of wealth?

I know I can't speak to those who have lost homes, cars, and jobs. Yet. I hope I never can, for I hope we do not find ourselves in those kind of dire straits. I won't pretend to understand the meaning of poverty in the ways many others can, although both as a child and as an adult I have experienced "lean times" over and over again, and in many people's eyes those "lean times" would indeed be classified as "poor". And I can't help but recall how many celebrities and folks who have finally "made it" look back on their childhoods and say "We were poor, dirt poor, but back then we kids never knew it."

I have had "poor" Christmases, however that poverty had nothing at all to do with the number and cost of the presents under the tree. It had to do with family turmoil, lack of connection to community, a sense of longing for Spirit that at the time I couldn't identify. THAT was poor, even though some of the "poorest" years were ones in which our income was the highest it had ever been, and the shiniest paper covered an enormous number of gifts stacked out into the room.

True poverty is a poverty of spirit, and has nothing at all to do with how many bills are in my wallet.

So for this Christmas, I wish Mrs. Ekhoff a different sort of wealth, one which allows her to see that a restoration of her former financial status may not be all it is cracked up to be. I wish for her a wealth that allows her to look around her, let go of the idea of gifts that need to be "Showstoppers", and instead elevate the gifts that really matter. Of course I wish for all of us that the hard times would soon be over, but I also hope that the lessons learned during these times will remain with us all, for they are valuable lessons indeed.

Random Assortment of Ramblings

2011-12-16T00:46:00.000-07:00

I have an odd assortment of things to write about this evening, nothing profound or important, no photos, so feel free to pass on over to the next blog...or grab a Diet Coke and hang out a bit.

First of all, we are trying to find a time to have our Pie In the Face Splat Fest and record it. Why is it so delayed? Well, Dominick is getting up for work at 3:00 AM and pretty wiped out every evening, falling asleep super early. We have had several evenings with the usual Christmas stuff going on, and then the flu swept through half the family...and the jury is still out on whether the other three will get it. Stay tuned though, we will try seriously to do it in the next few days...we owe you all and are SO grateful for your donations and help for the kids in Kyrgyzstan.

Oh yea, maybe there IS a picture to share...check this out:

Yup, that's us, featured in a news article in Bishkek this week. We were contacted by our agency last week asking for a family photo and permission for it to be used in an article regarding international adoption. Advocacy efforts still continue for the Kyrgyz children waiting to be brought home by their adoptive parents...waiting for 3 years now. Of course we would do virtually anything to help get these kids home, and gladly offered up a familiar picture to you all. While the article did get some details wrong...including Kenny's birth name...most of it was close enough. Translations of post-placement reports are more about getting the essence of it right :-) They did not interview us and instead used info from our last post-placement report for the article. I found myself wishing that the authorities over there could just meet Kenny for 10 minutes, let him speak from the heart, and then let them try and argue that adoption is not the best option for these children languishing in orphanages by the thousands. Funny how God continues to use Kenny in ways never imagined. How I wish these kids were spending Christmas in the arms of parents who are so committed and have waited so patiently!!

Speaking of Kenny, we continue to have huge challenges with academics with him right now, and interestingly his speech teacher today recognized for the first time some of the odd, atypical things we experience on a daily basis. We have only been working with her a few weeks, but even she saw his total blackout with reading certain words and his addition of consonants that don't exist...and his repeating it 4 or 5 times no matter how slowly he sounds it out. She looked at me as if to say "Now that IS odd!" and I looked at her (she was in on our IEP meeting too) and said "I told you so...no one believes me, but we go through this all day long, and much more!" I could tell that she was beginning to "get it" and seeing that what we are dealing with is totally atypical. We have decided to give ME a break on this until the holidays are over with, and then I will be back at the research trying to find what is best for him. I did speak with a specialist over Thanksgiving break, to no avail. She does know what she is doing but suggested $4000 worth of Speech and Language Pathology testing in addition to an audiology test for auditory processing disorder because she thinks he has APD as well as other issues. There is no way we can afford all of that, so we don't really know what to do now. She said what we are experiencing is typical for families like ours with kids from the former Soviet Union, and that most parents find success getting an attorney and suing. Well, if we had money for THAT, we'd just do the testing ourselves!!! So, back to the drawing board in January, it was beginning to really get me down and I need a mental break from it.

We were trying to see if we could send Matthew to Civil Air Patrol Camp in Kansas the day after Christmas, but we just can't swing it. The camp was CHEAP at $115 for an entire week, and enormous experiences attached to it like earning an NRA marksmanship award, flying in a C-147...157...I dunno but one of them big old planes :-) . But we learned he needed tons of extra uniform stuff and there is no way we can do it right now, or really ever. Why can't they make these things more affordable? The uniform items would have been another $300+!! So, we learned there is another Camp scheduled for mid-June, and it will be even longer at 10 days...and get this...at the Air Force Academy. Could it get any better? I got an email about it just today and told him honestly that we can't afford all the gear and the cost of the camp, and the trip over there, so we are going to have to work together to find a way to get him there. We all brainstormed and he is going to try and get extra work somehow, which at 12 years old is not easy. He is going to make up a flier and see if he can get snow shoveling work, or jobs putting away Christmas decorations, or weeding in the spring. He wants to go so badly he can taste it, and I wish I could just tell him not to worry and that we can cover it, but the truth is we can't. I loved that all the kids tried to come up with ideas and almost cried when Kenny said "Matthew, for your Christmas gift I will give you 2 weeks of free help on any job to help you earn the money. Anything I earn I'll give to you so you can go!"

That's my Team LaJoy!!

Somehow, we will make it happen, even if we all have to have a bake sale in front of Walmart!

What else...well, our fridge is on the fritz, of course, because this is one of those times when simply everything is going to go wrong. Dominick has tried to fix it three times and it is leaking water all over the interior and blowing up sodas and freezing yogurt, salad and cottage cheese. We looked at fridges this weekend, and just about died at the cost even for smaller ones which really makes no sense for us at all...we need a bigger one if we are going to spend the money and replace it. Ours is 17 years old, and through the years Dominick has managed to replace the ice maker twice, and repair this particular problem 4 other times, but for some reason this time it is just not working. After looking at Home Depot this weekend and gagging over the cost, he came home and tried one last time to see if he could fix it. We are holding our breath but betting we will be buying a new one. Dreading that purchase totally...is there anything less glamorous than a fridge? Maybe a water heater or tires for a car. With ours being 17 years old, we didn't realize that purchasing a new fridge these days was the equivalent of buying a used car!! For those prices, I want to have a steering wheel attached, and an Alpine speaker system! Hahaha!! Shhhhhh...don't tell the dishwasher, it is the same age and is due to hit the recycling plant as well but it doesn't know it yet.

On a brighter note, today Matthew used "hyperbole" in a sentence and explained to us all that the earth was tilted 21 degrees, something he remembered that Mr. Steve taught him and so he shared that with the rest of us while we were studying the moon and earth's rotation around the sun. Olesya struck me today as changing, I looked at her and you know how you are just brought up short by your kids sometimes? When you actually see the transformation that is taking place? She is growing up, she is turning more into a woman than a girl, and I think the next year will be a big one for her as she matures and discovers herself.

Kenny had a great day this week when our beloved Miss Lael treated him to lunch out at the Dragon Wall Buffet here in town and then took him to pick out a brand new book at the local bookstore. Poor woman didn't know what she was getting herself into, taking Kenny to a buffet AND a bookstore! Needless to say, it was hours later before they returned :-) He was full of tales of the adventure, animatedly sharing about his long conversation with her (Oh, you dear, patient friend!!), telling us how he tried Sushi for the first time and showing off his new book. You'd have thought he had been to Disneyland.

And I am trying to wrap my mind about how I feel about all this "Tebowing" going on. You'd think this new fad would be one I would grab on to and use as an example for the kids...after all, Tim Tebow is with our own Denver Broncos, is a homeschooling graduate, and is taking Christianity to a totally new level. For some reason, instead of being overjoyed at this public example of what is probably a decent young man, I am disturbed by this, and can't really explain why. Christianity on display just to prove a point has never been something I was drawn to. I don't condemn others for it, and I don't think he is a fraud or anything, it just isn't my style. And then I think how contradictory that is of me, because here on a very public platform I too don't exactly hide my faith, and in fact probably display it in ways that are distasteful to others. Anyone care to shed some light on why they think this may be not setting well with me? You might help me figure it out!! I don't seem to have the brain space at the moment to analyze it and will be lazy and ask you to do it for me :-)

We're looking forward to seeing friends who just flew in from Vermont today, they are grandparents to Josh's best friend and we claim them as ours too :-) We'll be doing a little shopping this weekend with our youth group for a small family in need of a little help this year, as so many are. Another way to keep Christmas more about the important stuff.

The kids all want to go see Santa, so we have to make time for that. Yes folks, strange as it seems, we still believe in Santa here. One thing with adopting older kids is they want desperately to have those same experiences as their new peers have, and will cling to it far longer than most would expect. The girls have had one Christmas with Santa, and we want them to have one more if they want it...which they do...and so even though I suspect most of our older ones surely know we are Santa (even the girls themselves), we all will allow this for them. Every child deserves the magic that Christmas really is, even if only for a couple of years of their childhood. However, we somehow need to get Santa to understand ahead of time and not ruin it...that is easier said than done. I am so glad that those close to us understand this need for our kids, and don't think we are weird for having 12 and 13 year olds who want to sit on Santa's knee and ask for a gift. I am grateful for Matthew's care for his siblings and not pushing it either. This will be our last Santa year, but we will get that photo, we will have our stockings, and we will dream of hearing reindeer on the roof top one last year.

But if you ask our kids what Christmas is all about, they will first tell you it is the celebration of Jesus coming into the world, and about love. As long as they get that, we think Santa can co-exist with Jesus quite nicely.

I told you this was going to be random...no deep thoughts...I've had enough of those for a few days and need a "donut" and "hole" free week I think. Behind the scenes, that's not really happening, but here on the blog I am stepping away from the concept for now! Hahaha! Here's wishing everyone a wonderful week before Christmas. Don't shop, just stop...OK?

Thank You, God, For the Stomach Flu

2011-12-13T10:19:00.002-07:00

Silly title? Not really. It's funny how when we are working on trying to internalize something, God tends to use something to reinforce the concept until we really, really get it. As I look back on my last post about focusing on the donut instead of the hole, and not allowing myself to get caught up in all the things our children aren't or never may be, the stomach flu was a perfect tool for God to use.

(As a quick aside, NEVER Google "stomach flu" for images to use on your blog...the things people post will totally gross you out!!)

As I type this, and am beginning to think that maybe I'll make it to see another day (Hahaha!), the kids are out in the dining room working on their school work. Dominick is off to work today and is going to try and return later, so there is no adult who told them to do it, there is no supervision for them...they are simply doing what they know needs to be done. That's after having cleaned up the remainder of the groceries that I couldn't manage to get put away after returning home sick from Walmart last night.

Before that? I was greeted at 9:30 AM with a knock on my bedroom door. Quietly, in traipse the troops with a tray containing a drink, a single slice of toast, and six saltine crackers accompanied by a note written by Matt saying "Get well soon Mom, from all of us XXXOOO". They sat at the foot of the bed, sharing about their TaeKwonDo class and Civil Air Patrol from last night, and a few minutes later they all left with Kenny saying "Mama, if you need anything just call us, we're going to go get busy on school. Just sleep all day if you want to!"

Donut vs Hole

Kind, thoughtful children vs Academic and Athletic Super Stars

Hmmm....not much of a competition on that one, I'll take my crew any day of the week.

My mom and I were chatting on the phone a couple nights ago, and she was sharing how sweet the kids were with her when we were out in California. Mom has mobility issues (that's a bit of an understatement) but is otherwise very healthy. She said that even when I wasn't around, the kids all helped her with chairs, opened car doors for her and then waited patiently for her to get in first before racing in themselves, and were generally quite solicitous of her.

Donut vs Hole

How easy it can be to get caught up in the things that our culture says are symbols of excellence, and how easy it can be to overlook the things that really matter!!

So, while I don't really think God sent a lightning bolt down with a nasty stomach bug for me to experience (and most likely the entire family, as Olesya has already had it), I ma recognizing that everything can be used to help us "get it", yes, even the stomach flu. And as I sit propped up in bed and hear the voices of our children in the next room doing what they do best...working toward adulthood with grace and confidence...I am thanking God for the stomach flu and the chance to be reminded once again of what really counts.

Focusing on the Donut, Not the Hole

2011-12-11T22:23:00.001-07:00

When we were in California, we attended a church service where the kids sermon was simple and effective. The children's ministry leader taught a lesson about living with a heart that is focused towards thinking about abundance rather than lack. Normally, I tend to think that is a place I live in more often than not, but the illustration was so perfect and I have found the image they used coming back to me over and over again lately. She held up a donut and shared a little saying: "As you go through life, make this your goal: Keep your eye on the donut and not the hole!"

Sometimes that can be easier said than done. One reason I have such a deep appreciation for being part of a vibrant faith community is that it helps me keep focused on the donut. Prior to joining our congregation, I was very "hole" oriented. I saw what was missing, I obsessed over it at times, and I was never content. It can be quite easy to see only the holes in our lives, the lack of all the things we think we need, or the relationships we wish we had. Our culture tells us over and over again that what we have will simply never be enough...we will never be beautiful enough, our holidays will never be cheerful enough, our love lives will never be romantic enough, and our "stuff" will never be expensive enough. We are bombarded with messages countless times a day that remind us of the "hole".

I am really ashamed to admit that I have fallen prey to that lately, and I need to re-focus and find my donut.

As I have often said, I am not Pollyanna. I am not perpetually and unrealistically positive, but I do think I am usually balanced and lean towards "donut" gratitude rather than "hole" thanklessness. As I find myself slipping into old ways of thinking, God has used others this past week to nudge me out of sitting smack dab in the middle of the "hole".

I had a joking conversation today after church, and it was about the kids. Our church tends to attract people with amazing gifts...talented, creative, well educated folks who have talented, creative, well educated kids. I am not exaggerating, as three of the 7 kids in our tiny youth group I led a couple years back were 4.0 students with one a Valedictorian...and yet another on track with 4.0. Yes, you read that right...3 out of 7 were 4.0 students. Amazing within graduating classes of 200+ students. As I look at Josh's best buddy who goes to our church, he is incredibly gifted...highly verbal and imaginative, writing his own plays that are acted out in class, a gifted reader and a younger sister who at 3 is obviously incredibly bright and going to be reading before she even starts school. Can you tell I am a bit proud of our dear little friends??? :-) There is another little guy who attends church who is the most natural athlete you'll ever see at his young age, his grandma who is someone I greatly admire shares his exploits on the soccer field and I can picture him in my mind, for I have seen his talent and this is no mere typical bragging...this kid totally rocks when doing anything athletically oriented.

Then, there are the LaJoy kids. We were sharing about how hard they try with music, but that it just isn't natural for them. Then we were talking about other things that kids participate in, and somehow I just felt so "hole" focused...no, they are not athletic, no they are not super scholars, no they are not highly artistic. They will likely never stand out in the traditional ways our society celebrates. Oh, you all know that here at home we surely do celebrate our successes...I guess it's just that if I am in a frame of mind to compare, it can be very, very discouraging. When parenting kids like ours, I often downplay how damn hard it can be, how you have to continually work at finding ways to lift them up, to encourage them, to remind them they are not in competition with anyone else and that someday they too will find their niche. However, sometimes inwardly I give in to the wrong things, when I think of how we are years and years behind others, and in some areas we may never catch up. We will not have the kid named in the paper for being on the honor roll, or for scoring the winning touchdown, or for getting the lead part in the local community theater, or for achieving the highest SAT score in town.

What reminded me of the donut? What pushed me aside from the "hole"? My friend looked at me and smiled gently, saying "You know what your kids are good at? Giving from the heart...and really...what is more important?"

How ashamed I am of myself. How could I let myself for even a single moment not see the enormous donut right in front of me? In the day to day moments, we are blessed with the presence of children whose generous hearts and spirits make each day a complete pleasure to experience. Kenny, who came in from clearing ice off the patio this afternoon without being asked saying "Mommy, don't worry about slipping out there, I got most of the patio cleaned for you so you will be safe.". Angela telling me "Go take a nap this afternoon, I will clean up the dishes.". Matthew building with dominoes with a little guy at church quietly this morning, as they talked about "boy" things and he encouraged him in the way only an older boy can do for a younger one. Olesya, who has the stomach flu offering to clean the van out as Josh chimes in "No, it's my turn, I haven't done it in awhile and that's not fair."

Thinking about the hole instead of the donut can cause us to miss what is really, truly important. When the kids are 35 years old, will I be concerned with test scores or performance on the football field? Or will I be viewing success as taking good care of their families and living lives that are productive and Spirit filled? Keeping my eye off the hole is my biggest task, for it is easy and seductive to be drawn back to look at it. It will be a measuring stick that will never, ever really work for our family...and some days it is easier than others to ignore it.

You read Facebook posts of parents whose kids are accomplishing wonderful things, and it takes work to focus on the donut. You cringe in the front pew as your child pauses waaayyy too long while playing the guitar, and it takes work to focus on the donut. You correct several of your children's school work and you are confronted with mistake after mistake, and it takes work to focus on the donut. You wash your child's sheets after they have had an accident in bed when they are far past the age that should happen, and it takes work to focus on the donut. It has NOTHING to do with jealousy, and everything to do with wishing the path were just a little easier for your own child.

But being in community with others who care and encourage keeps my head on straight, it helps me drive right through that hole with barely a glance and turn around to look at the enormous donut before me. Being reminded continually of what Jesus would have valued, of what God sees as success, is something I cling to at the worst, most challenging moments. When my kid is on the volleyball court and once again shrinks away from the ball, or when my child looks at me and asks "Why can't I do math?" with tears in her eyes, or when my son is told that his physical condition is such that dreams may never come true, I HAVE to see the donut, for I have to help them see it too. It would be too easy to be sucked into the hole and never come out.

It is only in a place where there are Donut People that children can try their hardest, fail in the world's eyes, and yet be loved for exactly who they are and have others work hard at finding ways to help them see themselves as successful..."You went up there with such confidence and played, I could never do that!"..."You sang with such gusto, we loved hearing you!"..."You were so helpful afterwards, we really appreciated your assistance!"..."It's hard to believe you have been here only a year and a half, it feels like you have been part of our church family forever and we are SO proud of all you have accomplished!"

The Donut People in my life help keep me from falling into the hole. They set an example for me that is priceless. This week I am going to work hard at seeing only the donut, the hole will always be there if I really find it necessary to revisit.

A Time for Music...Sort Of...

2011-12-09T06:48:00.001-07:00

What do you do when your children are invited to play their instruments for the Women's Union Christmas Luncheon...and your children are a bit, well, ummm....how do I put this nicely....rhythm impaired and tone deaf? Well, first you explain that they are beginners, and perhaps not as musically inclined as some might naturally be. Then. after explaining that, and being told "We don't care at all, we just want to support them and encourage them, and are not looking for 'professional' musical talent.", you go ahead and accept, hoping all the while that they really meant what they said.

The kids spent the past 3 months or so working diligently to learn some Christmas carols on their instruments. Kenny and Josh have each only been playing for 6 months, having decided to switch instruments, so Kenny is now on the violin and Josh is playing piano. The girls have been at the guitar a year, and Matthew on the piano 2 1/2 years. What makes it a little more challenging is that by comparison, the previous group of young people who were raised in the church were quite musically talented, able to play and sing quite well with many being in choirs in school or participating in local theater groups.

The LaJoy children, well...not so much.

So the big day arrived yesterday, and everyone was running around the house all aflutter as they looked for music, ironed shirts, did some last minute practicing, and spent 30 minutes in front of the computer screen listening to Jose Feliciano's original version of "Feliz Navidad" a gazillion times so we could get Kenny to pronounce it correctly as he yelled..oh, I mean sang it. Somehow he was hearing it as "Feliz NaviDOT, A Sparrow And A Fleecy Dot" . That poor kid, if people only knew just how hard the simplest things are for him, like getting words right. I was so thankful for the patience the other kids all showed as we worked together to try and help Kenny get the words right. He literally can't hear what it is, his brain changes it all, and for the life of him he can not hear rhythmic patterns easily nor tell if he is sharp or flat on the violin, to the point that I can play a completely different note, and he can not tell if it is sharp or flat. But that makes music even more important for him as a form of therapy to try and get him to hear sounds differently.

We get to church, and find that the Women's Union had thoughtfully laid places for us at the table, with little gifts for the kids. We all eat together, then head to the Sanctuary for the musical presentation. I can equate it only with being forced to sit through someone's hundreds of photos of their recent vacation. I know many of the women live a distance from their own grandchildren, and some must have been thinking "Now this is what I don't miss at all, being forced to politely smile as my grandkid painfully makes their way through some ghastly song on an instrument." At one point, fingernails on a blackboard would have sounded better. Let no one ever say that I am not completely honest in assessing our kids' gifts, talents, and lack thereof.

But you know what? You'd never have known it.

Perhaps they understood the time invested by the kids for this event. Maybe they accepted it as the gift it was meant to be. One woman sitting behind me, who used to be their Sunday School teacher, gasped not in horror but in delight at the end of each song, and applauded vigorously each and every time. Most made gallant attempts not to chuckle or laugh outright...something that at moments I had a hard time not doing.

When the end arrived and the kids broke down in hilarious giggles as they sang their beloved "Feliz Navidad" and couldn't even finish the song (Thank goodness for that! Did I say no one can carry a tune in a bucket??), the entire group laughed along with them. As the kids sang their very off key version of "We Wish You A Merry Christmas", there were wide smiles and I hope the understanding that we all DID really wish them a blessed Christmas season, that the sentiment was there even if the talent was lacking a wee bit.

How kind the women all were, congratulating and hugging the kids, singing along with them as they headed back to the Hall where the gift exchange was going to be held. So much encouragement, so much love was shared. No one hung their head in shame as they might otherwise have done under different circumstances, each of the kids felt validated in their heartfelt attempts. As bad as the kids were, and I am not kidding you or exaggerating, they were not good, I heard over and over "That was the best luncheon program we have ever had!", proving the old adage that beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder.

What did I take pride in, if not their musical talent? Oh, so much! The kindness and respect the kids each showed the women, the way Matthew was so attentive to his music teacher and helped her get seated without me saying a word to him. It was easy to see the young men and women they are becoming as they each wore their KMart Christmas finery...hahaha! Looking at the girls, in particular, they just looked so mature. I loved seeing how they all pitched in to help clean up at the end of the event, and the excitement the kids expressed as they couldn't wait to give each woman in attendance a gift they had made...fused glass Christmas pins that were boxed and bagged by the kids and depicted Rudolph, Christmas Trees, and Packages...they deeply enjoyed the "giving" of their gift.

We may not be raising musicians of note, but we are hopefully raising beautiful young people whose character is strong and whose love is offered abundantly. They each have talents of their own, but part of their talent might just be in being willing to tackle the hard things and continue to work diligently at them even if it doesn't come naturally. No one will know the hours of work that it took for the kids to be even this bad at music! Hahahaha! And someday, who knows? Actually, when one considers the challenges they each have...Kenny with his auditory processing issues, the girls having only a single American Christmas under their belt and only hearing most of these carols one year, Josh being at the piano a mere 6 months, and Matthew not having a natural affinity for music but loving it anyway...they each did just fine and exhibited great confidence. That's more important than talent, as that confidence will branch out into areas in which they DO have talent and will serve them well one day.

Most importantly, they know they are loved...and a few women know that love is returned. Isn't that a little of what Christmas is all about?

Our wonderfully supportive Women's Union, who helps make summer camp possible for all our church kids!

The Gift Exchange...Kenny had a picnic basket for a short time until it was exchanged for a nutcracker.

We all cracked up when Joshie got books about "Old Age", but they too were exchanged for flashlights.

I know others have cuter kids, but I happen to think they are the most beautiful God ever created!!!
What blessed parents we are, and serendipitously I think the banner behind them says it all.

A Visit From Jesus

2011-12-05T06:45:00.001-07:00

Jesus came calling yesterday. I had a chat with him. Funny, but he didn't look at all like the images on canvas I had seen through the years. In fact, he looked decidedly female. But it was Jesus, all right, he's pretty easy to spot. He inhabits others these days, perhaps even myself at moments, reaching out with arms to hug with great affection and warmth, acting in a most decidedly Jesus fashion. It would be impossible to confuse Jesus with a man in a red suit. It was Jesus, that's for certain, his actions are unmistakable.

We've been going through a bit of a rough patch, much of it shared here on the blog, some of it kept closer to the vest. Thankfully, none of it has been monumental, indeed it is simply the stuff that life is made of...the usual ups and downs that anyone who walks this earth encounters. However, every once in awhile we all feel a bit as if we are the nail, and the hammer keeps pounding. That's where we have been lately for a variety of reasons. It's true, we have a tad bit more on our plate than others, but still others have even more on theirs than we do, and we remind ourselves of that often. What seems overwhelming to some, would be a desired state and a relief to others, as we all have a different tolerance level for stress.

I know that my personal Jesus yesterday had no idea just what their actions would mean to me, to them I am sure it was but a token. To me it was heavy with meaning, it was first and foremost love, but it was also affirmation of God's provision for us in even the unnecessary things, it was a reminder of how reaching out to others can impact them even if to us it is a small act. Simply being joined for a moment in the understanding that, despite the laughter and true joy we have it can still be hard, makes a difference. It was quietly, gently offered and touched me to the core.

It was Christmas.

It put me in quite a reflective mood yesterday, and as I drove through city streets that looked clean and pristine with their winter coat of white, I wondered to myself if I had ever been Jesus to someone else. Have my actions ever made a difference for someone just when they needed it most? Have I ever really been those arms reaching out to hold someone in their time of crushing need, have I ever met them in their sorrow or been able to give them a glimpse of what love really is? I don't know, sometimes it seems as if Jesus visits me constantly, dressed in all manner of garb, offering comfort and encouragement in countless ways, and that I never really have been the same conduit back for others. I try, but the ways in which I am continually blessed and moved are ways I know I am unable to be for others. It leaves me wondering why more times than I can count.

Yesterday's reflective moments and very cold weather also brought to mind that two years ago this very day we were winging our way to southern Siberia where we would be faced with a moral dilemma few have ever faced, where we would have our long dark winter as we waited for hearts to warm, and where our family would be tested in an unusual fashion. As I played footsie with Angela in our pew yesterday morning, it is hard to imagine the heart that had grown so hard we all almost missed out on one of the best things to ever happen to us all. Oh, she had forces pulling at her that were revealed later to be short sighted, misguided adults, but there was also fear of giving up her heart to others. Poor Olesya, having no control over the situation and finding herself staring yearningly out the frost covered window as lace curtains framed her face at the family she had desperately waited for, who had no choice but to leave without her...I can't imagine her thoughts at that moment although as I stared through the back window of the car, craning my neck to catch what I thought was my last glimpse of her as the tears ran unchecked I knew my own heart would never be the same.

Jesus somehow stepped in, I think he was in the form of a Kazakh woman this time named Zhazira. He offered me assurance in an office two days later, he facilitated the opening of Angela's heart and encouraged her to take a risk just this one time. Yes, Jesus comes in a variety of races, shapes, genders and even faiths...a lesson well learned as this warm Muslim woman sat across from me, definitely a Jesus person in her own way...telling me "You have no reason to trust me, but Angela is not the child you have seen the past two weeks, she CAN fit in a family and succeed, and she HAS been waiting anxiously for you all to come." and with that assurance and Angela's head on my shoulder, Jesus brought us together, even if the only man present appeared to be Dominick.

The Jesus of our modern world is one who is often misunderstood, whose martyrdom is held up as all he is about. The commercialization of Jesus with WWJD bracelets, rock concerts in which his name is sung out loudly as if he is someone's long lost boyfriend, and the declaration by TV salvation experts who live in multi-million dollar homes have turned Jesus into a bit of an icon similar to any sports star or one of Hollywood's "beautiful people" with thousands of dollars of dental work to create that perfect smile, and perhaps a nip and tuck here or there to enhance the illusion of perfection.

I guess I prefer my Jesus to be a bit more human, a little less "rock star". There is nothing wrong, I suppose, with the Billboard Jesus that so many find comfort in and are familiar with. I am not at all offended by concerts and jewelry that carry his name. It's just not really Jesus to me. Jesus becomes real and alive to me when he quietly visits through others whose less than perfect teeth offer the most beautiful smiles, or whose decidedly imperfect bodies wrap me in their arms for hugs. Jesus, shockingly to some, approaches us in the form of human figures whose failings are also very real. We sometimes miss Jesus because we don't understand that he actually loves those imperfect people too, just as he loves you and I...also notably imperfect. I think that is the Jesus I can best relate to.

Christmas will come and go, we will celebrate with all the usual flair. However, I am glad that for me, Jesus isn't relegated to a couple of holidays a year and then packed away with the creche and stored in the shed.

I need him too much for that.

New Stages, New Photos

2011-12-03T00:42:00.001-07:00

Although the blogging muse seems to be on vacation somewhere far out of reach, I wanted to share a few random photos taken over the past couple of weeks. Don't really know why it seems so hard to write at the moment, but instead of forcing it I'll just wait until the muse returns and instead post these random photos along with a few thoughts.

November is over, and we are hopeful that December will find our life on the upswing. November was hard...really, really hard on a lot of levels. Here we are on the 3rd of December, and already the month feels more relaxed and filled with promise. We just returned home this evening from a delightful small town performance of The Nutcracker, which neither Dominick nor I had ever seen before, let alone the kids. It was refreshingly amateur with more than a hint of real talent hidden within. A cast of 120 performers, all locals and the vast majority were children under 10 years old...so there were plenty of missed cues and missteps. It made it all the more touching as little ones danced their way across stage grinning from ear to ear in beautiful costumes. The kids all enjoyed it very much, and each gabbed excitedly in the van afterward about what was their favorite character and costume. Tomorrow we hope to take in the parade even in possible single digit weather.

Matthew has grown again, and so it was off for a late night visit to Walmart to purchase new pants and a winter coat. We thought we had one put aside for him this year, the last of a large number purchased several years ago at a post-winter markdown sale, but he outpaced our growth expectations and so instead that one became Kenny's new winter jacket and it was off to the Men's Department to shop for Matt. Still can't quite get used to that. We must look like such goofs around town, as all the rest of the crew stood outside the dressing room waiting for Matthew to come out and model whatever pants he had taken in. Everyone threw out their opinion until at least, we found a style we all liked on him. It's a group buying experience.

We have entered a new phase in our life as a family, and it has taken me awhile to adjust. We are no longer parents of young children, Josh is almost 9 years old, and the rest are all teens or nearing the teen years. With that comes a greater awareness of the fact that our time together as a family is indeed limited, that one day we will look up and they will be off on their own, living their new adult lives. Oh, I know we have a few years left, but those years will pass quickly, and I think the older you are as a parent, the more aware you are of that. While that brings with it a sense of loss, as I miss the years of parenting younger children, there is a blossoming of new relationships as well, as the kids become more engaged in the larger world, and begin to practice skills taught them.

Lately, along with this new tentative step toward adulthood, there is a tenderness being showed Dominick and I which is deeply rewarding and totally unexpected. All the boys have taken to throwing an arm casually around my shoulder in a gently protective way, or opening the door for me as I get into the car. Kenny has been very in tune to my feelings and offers a hug saying "You look like you need a little love right now!", and Matthew has been so solicitous in a million ways. Josh is showing more confidence and has taken to tackling tasks that are considered by him to be "man's work", such as making a fire in the fireplace in the morning, or volunteering to take out the garbage or carry groceries.

Angela and Olesya are coming into their own in so many ways, and we are sharing in so much as the females in the family. They are incredibly helpful around the house, handling many chores without complaint or being asked...and often saying "Mom, you go do what you want to do, we can handle this." We all three find ourselves giggling together over things "our men" do, and I am thankful beyond words every single day that I have been blessed to parent girls as well as boys, something that at one point I never thought would have happened. We certainly ended up with the perfect daughters for a Mom like me. Tonight I lamented in the car on the drive home that I wished I was one of those Leave It To Beaver Moms...you know the ones and in fact might be one yourself...who has a wonderful breakfast waiting every morning, actually uses a recipe when they cook and bakes from scratch, laying out a beautifully prepared meal on an equally beautifully set table. Angela laughed and from the back of the van I hear her say "But Mom, who wants to be THAT kind of Mom? Then you'd be in the kitchen all the time and have no time to teach or play with us!! It's just food." Yup, guess we ended up with the right daughters :-)

Well, so much for the gabbing, here are a few photos...

Olesya is gradually really coming into her own, as we encourage her to voice her opinions, see herself as just as intelligent as anyone else, and point out her many gifts. This is the single most generous child I have ever encountered, who'd literally offer you just about anything she owns if she thought you needed it. A born caretaker and nurturer, with the warmest heart...what a gem!!

We went to the beach a couple of times while in California, and although it was too cold to play in the water without a wet suit, they still enjoyed gathering sea shells and wave watching.

Our newly minted thirteen year old! Now Kenny and Angela are twins for a few months and my virtual triplets of Matthew, Olesya and Kenny are down to two sets of twins with Angela and Kenny, and Matthew and Olesya. I asked Kenny if he felt like a true teenager and he paused, then looked at me and with the utter honesty he is known for said, "No Mom, I feel more like I am 10 years old."...which is exactly where I would place hum developmentally. Sometimes kids adopted at older ages close the gap, and sometimes they lag behind for years but continue to mature at their own pace. Kenny is 13 in number only, and sometimes he is 50, but most of the time I'd place him as a solid 10 year old. We laughed together as we talked about how lucky we are that being homeschooled, he can be whatever age he needs to be and not feel forced into pretending to be more mature than he really is. For our family, that might be the single greatest blessing of homeschooling, having the opportunity for our children adopted at older ages to remain younger for however long they need to in order to feel whole before moving on.

Our other 13 year old! She is turning into a lovely young lady...when she isn't busy being a little kid herself :-) Hearing her giggle at Cosby Show reruns is about the cutest thing ever and quite contagious.

Something about her eyes gets me every single time, and has since that very first photo we received almost 7 years ago.

The Ronald Reagan Library was a mini-hit, the kids all really enjoyed it. I printed off a quick study unit from the Library web site before we left, and it helped familiarize the kids with President Reagan before we visited the Library. They all left saying they found it even more interesting than they expected. I found it interesting that even though they were married 8 years, there was but a single photo of Mr. Reagan and Jane Wyman, and you had to really search for it to find it. A subtle attempt to manipulate the Reagan legacy??

I thought this was quite apropos in light of the conversation I recently had with Kenny about hard work getting you further than intelligence.

Josh at the podium, attempting to read from a teleprompter and finding it harder than you'd think. Why are there moments these days when I look at him and see this extraordinary adult waiting to sneak out? He looks so mature here...

...but then here he looks so little! Of course, there are a couple of gargantuan siblings these days :-) The library has a retired Air Force One aircraft, and we went through it. Not at all impressive once one has seen the National Geographic special on the newer version of Air Force One. This one looks very dated inside, but it was interesting to see anyway.

An original piece of the Berlin Wall...poignant to touch a piece of history that directly affected the lives of these five children. If President Reagan had not uttered those famous words "General Secretary Gorbachev, if you seek peace, if you seek prosperity for the Soviet Union and Eastern Europe, if you seek liberalization, come here to this gate. Mr. Gorbachev, open this gate. Mr. Gorbachev, Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!", would our family even exist? Somehow, I think not. For that alone, I am filled with gratitude for the Reagan Presidency. The kids are aware of this history as well, and we all felt something special as we visited this particular exhibit.

We have a family of John Wayne fans, and Dominick took the kids down to Hollywood for an afternoon while I remained behind and spent the day alone with my mom. Joshie got a kick out of discovering that John Wayne's feet were almost as tiny as his, as he stands in John Wayne's boot prints.

I swear he doesn't look like he is only 12 years old these days!

Matthew kneeling at the star of one of his favorite's, Michael Jackson.

We are blessed in a million ways, something I try to continually remind myself of as it helps during months like November :-) Here the kids are showing off little treasures from a surprise box of mystery trinkets. A sweet friend from church sent them home to the kids, and it was quite special as they were items left to her by her own mother, who had traveled extensively throughout the world and collected them. The kids all loved examining each little thing, trying to guess where they came from, exclaiming "Oooo...look at this!" as they unwrapped each new surprise.

The same friend has been passing on her Christian Science Monitor magazines so that I might enjoy them. Little did I expect that the whole family would end up reading them! Funny, but Matthew commented out of the blue one day recently that he enjoys reading their news articles because they present the news in an unbiased fashion, something I never expected he would have noticed. I love how my secret strategy seems to work so well...instead of force feeding the kids something, I just leave stuff laying around and eventually they will be curious and pick it up, sometimes finding themselves hooked. Works like a charm, every single time :-) Shhh though, don't ever tell 'em!

Well, it is super late and time to get to bed. Hoping tonight brings more than sugar plums dancing through my head, I could use a solid night's sleep!

What It's All About

2011-11-30T05:50:00.001-07:00

The blog has been quiet, really quiet. I have sat down to write a few times, but ended up closing the window and moving on. I guess I just needed a little "alone time" and am not sure how much I will write this week either. My plate is really full right now, so is my heart and head. We are back at school as of yesterday, home from California where we visited our family for Thanksgiving, and for us it is the start of a new semester. We are sort of fuzzy on that sort of thing, working well outside the standard school calendar and not paying much attention to it at all. I like the freedom of it, and we naturally move at a different pace.

As we rush headlong into the holiday season, I am really taking stock of what this is all about. Christmas is probably my least favorite holiday. I've had some wonderful ones through the years, and some really painful ones as well. Every year I keep looking for it to gain more meaning, for it to be less about commercialization and more about Christ. In our culture, it is very challenging, but I think it may be the only way for it to eventually move up my personal holiday list of favorites.

I think overall though, that the kids are developing into different creatures about Christmas, and I appreciate what we are seeing. We have never, ever encouraged them to create lists, and as they grow older I am so happy we didn't. Although it can make it harder at this "tween" stage to buy for them, it also means they don't focus much on the gift part of the holiday, and for that I am grateful. Instead they asked who we were going to try and help this year, like last year, and though many won't believe it, not a single one of the five kids came up with something to ask for. In fact, knowing it is going to be a slimmer year this year, Angela said "Why don't we just go to the Hot Springs Pool for the afternoon and call that our Christmas gift. We don't need anything else." A $10 gift would be enough. Her generous and understanding heart almost made me cry.

We decorated a couple of days ago, and they delighted in the act. In fact, Kenny and Matt are still finishing up their Festival of Lights outside, carefully stringing them across shrubs and hammering in new nails under eaves. It was funny to see Matt at his new size and with that depth of voice acquired this year giggle and rub his hands together with glee as he was told "Yes, you can go dig the decoration boxes out of the shed." Olesya was nearly dancing as she pulled out the ornaments, most of which are personalized in one form or another, and she kept declaring "I remember this one from last year!"...and then turned to me and melted my heart when she grinned from ear to ear and said "I am so happy I am part of this family!!". She and Angela retold the story of our creche, remembering that it was hand made by my own grandfather, handed down to my mom, and always put up by me when I was a child. Kenny was worried that some shingles are loose on it and pointed out we needed some small nails for minor repairs to it, because some day they would all want to share it for their Christmases with their children and we needed to keep it in good shape.

I want Christmas to be about the joy, not the gifts. I want it to be about giving, not receiving. I want it to be about the music, family, faith and friends. The past couple of years I have found that what helped me gain better perspective was making a vow to shop solely online for those gifts we purchased. I realized that not becoming a "Mall Rat" or combing the aisles of our local Walmart went a long way towards helping keep my head where I wished for it to be. Not caring much for shopping, what for some is a sheer pleasure is for me a despised chore and sapped me of all sense of Christmas Spirit.

So this weekend we will do the things that make it Christmas for me...we will spend time with beloved friends as we watch the Christmas parade together and we shiver in the cold, drinking thermoses of hot chocolate. We were gone this year for the lighting of the town Christmas tree, known fondly around here as "The Pickle Tree", aptly named by Joshie years ago due to its blueish green lights strung top to bottom. We will continue with our deeply meaningful tradition of attending the Christmas concert with the help of free tickets from friends who look out for us and share their extras, then head over to our adopted Grandpa George's house where we will once again help him get in the mood by decorating his tree with him and sharing a meal together. We will add in a new first with dear friends as we attend a presentation of The Nutcracker.

And I won't care a hoot about gift lists or hosting parties or finely wrapped packages. Instead we will gradually work our way through Advent, resting in the knowledge that we don't have to create a holiday that looks like everyone else's. We lack not a single thing, and "enough" includes enough love, enough life giving relationships, enough Spirit. We'll throw pies at each others to celebrate Christmas being brought to children in Kyrgyzstan who have yet to experience "enough", we'll listen to Christmas carols and laugh over how bad the LaJoy Family choir sounds, we'll giggle and laugh as we watch Sunny bat at ornaments on the tree. And on Christmas Eve we will stand together at "our pew", children ever taller and hearts ever larger.

Yeah, that's what it's all about.

Saying Thanks

2011-11-19T23:59:00.001-07:00

$1138!!!!

Today we celebrated Kenny's 13th birthday. It was replete with the traditional LaJoy Birthday Cake with sprinkles and toothpicks, a few specially selected gifts, thoughtful cards...and hugs. Lots of them. He was surrounded by those who love him and consider him to be an essential part of their family.

It is a far cry from where he was on his 8th birthday 5 years ago. In fact, he didn't even realize he had a birthday, didn't know he turned a day older on a special day of the year, had never had a birthday party, a cake, presents...or hugs from a mom, dad, grandmas and siblings

An orphanage is not a place where the individual orphan is recognized often, if ever. It is lonely, it is lacking in not only extras, but most essentials...essentials like food, clean clothes, medical care.

In 24 hours, those connected with our family via the blog and Facebook have elected to step forward and help us raise money so some of the orphans of Kyrgyzstan will feel special and cherished, even if only for one single day...Christmas. Thanks to all of you, we raised over $1000 in the past 24 hours. Thanks to you, there will be little Kennys halfway around the world who will jump up and down with delight, who will be more excited for Christmas than any day in their entire bleak lives..

And if you think it is solely about the gifts, think again. It is because someone remembered them, someone sent them long distance love.

Dare I ask it?

Can we do more? For every few dollars raised, another child feels loved. I hate that any children will be left out, and of course we can't take care of every orphan in a country. But can we love a few more?

If it were for me, I'd never ask. But it isn't for me. So I will. Can you spare $10? Can you and your family sit down to just one meal of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and talk openly about how much was saved on that one meal to be sent for Christmas in Kyrgyzstan? Can you give up one six pack (OK...who am I foolin', one 24 pack!) of Diet Coke and offer up that in exchange for a child's heart?

I'll tell you what I am going to do, aside from taking a pie in the face. If we raise another $500, to total $1638, I will donate the equivalent of all my Diet Coke money through the end of the year. Embarrassed to admit how much that might be, but suffice it to say that it will help us reach at least $1738 :-(

Kenny and Angela have already donated a significant amount this year, let me share the story with you over at John's blog. I must say, sometimes our children set the example for us. When it comes to giving, with no allowance and no steady job, only from money earned here and there (and most of it was 3 days of pulling terribly 6' high weeds), I'd like to share what dream they made come true for a young girl in Kyrgyzstan. Read about how they became Dream Agents. I hesitated to post this link, for I do feel giving is best done when not highlighted, but maybe it will serve as an encouragement for others to see what they can do as well:

http://actofkindness.blogspot.com/2011/11/you-can-see-la-joy-all-over-her-face.html

The annual Christmas Pie Challenge was started by our family on a whim, and it has grown to something I never imagined that night typing curled up on the couch as I giggled at the thought of raising money by having the kids whack me with a pie. It has become a huge community undertaking which has spread throughout the United States and parts beyond. I love what we all can do together!!! I love what a mere $10 here or $25 there can accomplish!

Please, join us, reach out, offer not just your dollars, but your love and hope for a better future for all the children of Kyrgyzstan, and symbolically let every orphan on earth know they are never alone.

And to those who have donated, our sincerest gratitude. I know some of you may know what an orphanage is like, but many of you have never set foot in one. How I wish I had never done so as well, for my soul would not be forever haunted by what we have seen.

But then, who would speak for them?

You and I, that's who. And we are doing so this week, loud and clear. THANK YOU....THANK YOU!!!!

Christmas Quest

2011-11-18T23:12:00.001-07:00

Can you?

Can you help?

Please?

There are children we know who will not have Christmas this year unless we do something about it. There are children for whom a piece of fruit is considered a special gift, who are forgotten by most of the world and their own country.

They are not forgotten by us. Please help us bring Christmas to the orphans of Kyrgyzstan. Join with us in the Pie Challenge, help us raise $500 for me to take a pie in the face and I'll post video here on the blog and on Facebook. For each additional $100 another LaJoy will take a hit.

We have raised $125 thus far, can you help us raise more?

Do without one can of olives, or that cranberry sauce this Thanksgiving. Give up Starbucks for a couple of days and donate $10. That $10 could provide Christmas AND much needed vitamins.

Want to donate but want more bang for your buck than a pie int he face? Ask us to do something else, we'll do it!

Go over to www.actofkindness.blogspot.com and donate in the name of the LaJoy family. I promise you, John Wright will do right by you with your donation, and you will see full color photos of what your donation was able to offer children who have nothing.

And as you sit around your Thanksgiving table, look around at your loved ones...at the table laden with wonderful items to eat, at the warm, clean clothes everyone has. Put down your iPods and iPads for a moment and consider their cost...or just the iTunes you recently downloaded. For just a few bucks, you can help a child do more than receive a gift for Christmas or vitamins which might help them survive through the winter.

You will bring hope to those for whom there is very little.

Isn't that a great purchase?

Thank you from the Lajoy's. We appreciate any help you can offer in our quest for Christmas for Kyrgyzstan's orphans.

Gradually Healing Hearts and Bodies

2011-11-15T00:23:00.001-07:00

Looonnggg post...sorry...lots of contemplation going on here...

Sometimes, every once in awhile, I pause for a moment and catch a glimpse of our family as perhaps others view us. I am sure that at times we appear...

Broken.

I share a lot openly here on the blog, and I tend to be as open in "real life" as well. Long ago I lost all desire for pretense, preferring instead the richness of authenticity, even if at times it reveals pain, struggle, less than Polly-anna-ish. It's life, it's real, it's often complicated and messy. And it's all OK.

The past several weeks have been tough ones for us. Oh, we've certainly had worse and many of you who are long time readers and friends know that to be true. Perhaps it is that forging over and over again that makes these times a little easier to get through, it is not really "par for the course", but we are always walking assured that the natural ebb and flow means that eventually we'll look around and find ourselves back in smoother waters.

And we are NOT broken. Never broken. We are actually whole in our brokenness, for we don't run from it, we don't pretend it doesn't exist, and we seek out life giving Spirit that is the glue that cements those broken places until they are stronger.

But you can't sweep those shattered shards quickly into the dustpan and dump them into the trash. It is delicate, the process of repairing the damage, and it takes using as much of the original as you can salvage, even when it doesn't look very pretty..

Two of our children are in dark places right now. Not as dark as some are, as the news is filled this past week with soul sucking stories of yet another ten year old committing suicide as the bullying became too much to face, or the young boys abused in ways that make my stomach turn. Adults failed to do their job, they abandoned children who were so vulnerable, they turned their backs on the need of the helpless. Children died, both literal and spiritual deaths. It makes the needs of ours currently seem so mild by comparison.

And yet where would they be without the adults who DO protect them, who care about them, who stand up and say "No! Not my child! Not my young friend! We will NOT let this happen on our watch!". I do not mean to imply it is just their parents, for it is a community of caring adults that surround our children and help us nurture them into stability and wholeness. In turn, we try to pay it forward to those we know are in need of support, for we too will not leave a child behind...and I can damned sure say I'd never witness a shower scene we all read descriptions of this week and not fight to the death to save that child, mine or not.

Healing takes time, it takes being surrounded with folks willing to fight for you, it takes love enough to hear you through your pain and patience enough to outlast the trudging steps that must be taken at slow speed.

I had a conversation this week I had hoped I'd never need to have with Kenny, but it became clear it needed to occur and it needed to happen in a safe time and place, not in an office in the middle of a meeting with a bunch of specialists who would blurt something out unthinkingly, and change my son's opinion of himself forever.

Kenny was talking about the testing we had hoped to get done through the school district, and asking questions. Our initial answers earlier in the week didn't satisfy him, and he sensed there was more to the story than he was hearing. After momentary consideration, my gut told me I needed to do what I always do, lay it out openly and honestly. So I did. We had the IQ conversation, as I quickly sent up a quick prayer for the words to put it into context that would strike Kenny as ringing of truth. I had to, as our school program believes (and rightfully so I think) that as they mature children need to take over more of the reigns of their education. They are invited to participate in all phases of their education, and sooner or later Kenny would be sitting in on meetings, asking questions, and learning to advocate for himself. That means he needs all the information to do so. After all, it is his brain, it is his future, and it is his information...we are just temporary gatekeepers of his heart, protecting it from damage until the time comes when he can take over. We took a big leap towards that with this conversation.

I finally explained that being a non-native speaker was not the only reason he was declined for testing, that indeed there were more reasons which was why Daddy and I were so angry and frustrated. I shared with Kenny what an IQ test was, how it worked, and how results can be interpreted. He got very , very quiet as he thought about this information, then asked what his score was. I gave him the number. He asked what "normal" was, and I told him the facts about ranges, etc. I didn't jump to reassurances, I didn't dress it up or "poo poo" it, I just let him sit quietly for a few minutes with that before saying much else. He then asked how he compared to his siblings, a logical question and one to which I could honestly reply I had no figures for, as none of them has taken an IQ test before where we received any data.

Words can not convey that this was one of harder conversations I have ever had in my life, for my heart broke as understanding and feelings of failure flitted across his face, a face that is always so expressive and easy to read...and usually filled with joy. Now that it was digested a little, it was time for me to help process this information. I told him to look at me, really look at me, and he did. I said "Kenny, have I ever, ever lied to you? Have I ever tried to make you feel better by lying?"

"No, never.", he replied.

"Listen to me", I said, "I have never pretended you would be a jock, we both know that would be a lie. I have told you that you could still have fun and enjoy sports even if you weren't the best on the team, and you did with volleyball. When things are going to hurt at the dentist or the hospital, I tell you the complete truth, I never act as if it is going to be painless if it is going to hurt, right?"

"Right." he said.

"Kenny, one of the reasons I am so frustrated over all of this is that you are a very smart young man, I can see it, others can see it, and no one who knows you thinks you are stupid or can't learn. What is obvious is that you learn differently than others, and that your brain doesn't work the same as everyone else. That is NOT the same as being 'dumb'. People who don't know you see only a number on a piece of paper. They have never had a conversation with you, they have never heard your opinions, or seen how well you can learn when we approach a subject differently. They see a number, and you are not a number. They also have never worked with a child from your background, you are a huge puzzle for them, and some people, rather than sticking with a puzzle until they solve it take the easy way out and walk away. Believe me now, like you have always believed I would tell you the truth, you are not stupid...not by a long shot. If I thought this IQ test was valid at all, and really showed you would never be able to learn as much as I think you can...and as you have already shown you can...I would be wise enough to be willing to settle for whatever little bit you could give me. Instead, what do I do? Every day I push you, I challenge you, I expect more and more from you. I know you can do it, and so far, you have proven me right every single time. I am not giving up on you, even if the entire world does, but you have LOTS of people in your corner who will never give up on you because they ALL see what Daddy and I see, a really smart kid who needs to learn differently. That's all."

Oh, so quiet, eyebrows knit together. Pondering his own brokenness. I knew this was a key moment for Kenny, and would dictate what path he takes as he stands at a fork in the road. Does he take Easy Out Road? Where he blames everything for ever on his "bad brain" or "low IQ"? Or does he place one foot in front of the other, walking upright and with conviction towards his own future?

He looks up at me and asks "Am as as smart as my brothers and sisters?" Everything hinges on this, I can tell.

Thankfully I can answer truthfully what is in my heart "I only have smart children, Kenny, not a single one of you isn't very bright. Your own brothers and sisters show respect for what you have to say in class, they never make fun of you, they always listen attentively when you speak. Of course, just like Daddy, you and I, they can see that your brain works differently sometimes, and things are very hard for you when it gets bad, but they all think you are as smart as they are. I do too, and I mean that 100%. I just have to figure out how to help you work with all that you have and find ways to make learning and remembering easier for you. No one here is paying attention to any number, so it is up to you if you want to believe that a number will limit you. If so, of those who know you, you will be the only one."

Slowly, a grin begins to spread as he tilts his head and gives me a sideways Kenny LaJoy grin. "It's only a test, and it's only a piece of paper, isn't it? They couldn't get me to read, but you helped me do it and you said I could. I have learned way more this year than I ever have, and I don't feel stupid anymore. I might at school, but here I don't. Maybe it is because no one here cares about the number, and at school, maybe people think I am too dumb to learn so they give up."

Then I say "Kenny, 90% of the secret of success is not how smart you are, it is how hard you work. The smartest people in the world can get nowhere if they are not hard workers. But a person who isn't as smart as Bill Gates can still get ahead by working hard and never giving up. I'll say that in this family, you and Daddy are the very best at that AND you are both very smart men. You can do anything you want..."

And then, in ever lovin' LaJoy form he shoots back laughing "Anything but take that test they won't give me! HAHAHA!"

Broken? On the outside, it may appear that way. On paper, surely it seems so. But we humans are more than our external selves and more than data on paper. We are Spirit and determination, we are pieces and parts of others who lend themselves to us to bandage us, cry with us, and sit us upright to begin anew.

Kenny LaJoy is not broken.

Joshua has been dealing more silently with his brokenness, for his is more subtle and hidden from the world. It appears on whispery, feathery dreams, or in moments where irrational fear creeps in which is tamped down as best it can be, but displays itself in the dark, or at moments unbidden during daylight when he once again feels he might lose what he has, as he once did.

A child who has internalized their abandonment to such a degree can not explain it, can not express it, can not even make sense of it. They simply feel it. It hurts and it takes much from them. Imagine walking around for years, wondering if the person you have given your heart to at much cost will one day reject you, either purposefully or unintentionally through no fault of their own.

Night terrors ensue, bed wetting reappears, seeking out during the daytime is commonplace as they look up and you are out of sight and they can't push away that sensation that something is amiss. Yes, Josh too has been battling demons lately, and it has not been easy.

Tonight though, there was a glimpse into how he has chosen to cope with emotions that make no sense. He asked if we could read together, and he curled up in bed with me dragging along a few favorite books, including his favorite "The Red Blanket". It tells the tale of an infant girl being adopted from China who struggles to attach to her new Mommy, and the red blanket that served as a bridge between the two of them. It IS our story, it describes the avoidance of gaze, the inability to console, the frustration and eventual healing.

This time as we read it though, it was different. I supplied more details about our story, and for the first time, Joshie asked questions about what it felt like. We continued reading, stopping here and there to interject, changing the color of the blanket in the story to be blue, for that was Josh's blanket's color. He gets to the part where the child is crying and stops only when the new blanket is tucked under her chin, and with his own Version #4 in hand (for 3 prior ones were lost or threadbare and discarded) he says "Stop Mommy!" and he hops off my bed, and reaches into the cupboard that is my nightstand. There, digs for a moment and finally pulls out this:

it's a 2" butterfly box that he bought me with his own money in Almaty, Kazakhstan when we were there adopting Kenny. He was 4 1/2, and asked me to walk away while he got his Tenge from Dominick and purchased it for me as a surprise. It was in that very marketplace, the infamous Tsum, where 3 years prior I had wandered the aisles with him squirming and screaming in my arms as he rebelled against the idea of letting anyone hold him close, let alone hold his heart in their hand. It is a very special gift, one that I value so much because it holds great meaning for me.

Tonight he gingerly lifted the lid, as he said "I thought this would be the perfect place for this. I have a little piece in my bedroom too. I hid this here for you, Mommy, now we both have a little of it in a special spot."

This is what was revealed to have been secretly hidden:

A tiny little scrap of Joshie's heart. That's what that faded, torn, precious little piece of cloth is. It's a symbol of the journey through brokenness that he and I walked together. That at 8 years old Josh would understand the significance of this, even if he couldn't explain it as such, is startling in it's depth.

He took it out for a moment and wound it around his finger, snuggling it next to his cheek, as he does Version #4 and every other version from the past. Then, he reached over to let me touch it too. He said "I want you to keep this for always, Mommy. It's yours and mine, just like in the story. I don't know if the girl in the story shared her blankey with her Mommy, but I think it's our blankey, not just mine."

It sits next to me this very moment, a testament to healing, a quietly defiant badge rejecting the concept of brokenness.

He closed the lid and scrambled back up to hear the rest of the story, which I could hardly choke out as his head lay on my shoulder, trusting, certain of love.

Joshua LaJoy is not broken.

As I heal in body this week, my children heal in Spirit. There is other healing that needs to occur within the hearts of others under our roof, but it takes time, trust and tenacity.

None of us are fully, completely broken. It may appear that way sometimes, but as long as we draw breath, there is hope. As long as we continue to reach out to others and commit to being light in the world, then brokenness can heal. It Is Hard. Our wholeness encompasses the broken places, that is how we can be broken and whole at the same time. When we try to deflect any thought that we might indeed have those broken places, we deny ourselves the chance to heal and be whole. We deny others the chance to help us find our way, to help us feel less alone as we keep on trudging and trying.

I will finally turn out the light now, and hopefully will head into a deep sleep where more healing will take place for me. That may not necessarily mean healing of asthma battered lungs. It may be renewal of Spirit to do the job ahead of being light for the children God has entrusted us with, of being balance to the husband God has blessed me with, of being just plain old Cindy to the friends God has gifted me with. Maybe somewhere along the way over the next few days, I can look someone in the eye and reassure them in whatever words they need to hear, that they are not irreparably broken. I have lived a life that has shown me otherwise, and I will take a hand to lead toward wholeness if I can.

After all, in the family God built, we have had a lot of practice.

Flexible, Like Silly Putty!

2011-11-12T11:55:00.001-07:00

As a homeschooling family of five children who have some pretty unique challenges in the mix, I have realized that one of the single greatest assets for a situation like ours with homeschooling is the ability to be flexible and turn on a dime. Sitting in bed these past few days is allowing me time to once again re-create what school will look like as we enter our new semester...new year...whatever it is for us. Since we don't really have a summer break I am seeing it sort of feels like a new school year in January more than in September.

Right now we are still trying to catch Matthew up in writing skills, which were pretty abysmal when he first started homeschooling 2 years ago. We are making slow, steady progress and his state test results last year put him in normal range for the first time. He is not where I know he can be, but we'll get there. I discovered that the public school perspective of focusing on content came at the expense of pushing mechanics, consequently bad habits were formed and are hard to shake.

You all know the challenges we have with Kenny, which are constantly morphing. Throw in the girls and how quickly they are catching up, Olesya's serious deficits in math and inability to visualize the seeming abstractness of numbers, and we have an interesting school situation, to say the least.

There are lots of positives going on as well! Sometimes I fail to see that as I have this underlying sense of urgency about catching everyone up, emphasizing strengths so we keep good attitudes, trying to close huge gaps that exist not just academically, but experientially. Reminders creep up all the time about things our older adopted kids have never seen or heard of. It has been the most challenging job I have ever had, to take these older kids in particular and find ways for them to be successful and not feel "talked down to" as they work so hard to move closer to levels that fit their age. Having 12 and 13 year olds who are still doing 3rd grade work could be demoralizing for them, but somehow we have hit just the right tone of congratulating success and not settling for less.

But we have gifts galore, lots and lots of things to celebrate, and as I am stuck in bed I am making a concerted attempt to remember that. Matthew's reading level is way above grade level, and he is voracious...now he is reading three Landmark history books (about 180-200 pages each) a week and informed me it was time to hit Ebay to see if we could find more as he is almost done with the 45 or so I have managed to purchase thus far. He is enjoying a Sherlock Holmes collection, and has taken a liking to the Christian Science Monitor magazine that someone kindly has been sharing with us from church, even commenting astutely "Mom, these articles appear to be far more unbiased than a lot I read in other places. I like it! No one seems to be picking on someone else and is just sharing information instead of trying to convince me to believe something."

Angela's writing is really, really amazing for her being her only a year and a half. Seriously, this child is gifted and I could totally see her being involved in a career that used writing. I can't imagine what she will produce in 3 or 4 years. Joshie is such a funny bunny and loves his biographies and connecting the dots with dates/timelines. He is always putting things together that use numbers...like who was alive when someone else was alive, how their worked criss crossed each other, and how far apart countries are from one another. That kid just eats numbers like they were Doritos and it is totally cool to see how he naturally steers himself in directions that interest him. Olesya is exploring everything under the sun, creating little notebooks that are important to her about everything from detailed descriptions of story plots, to taping in food labels to compare daily allowances, to craft ideas. There is yet to be a single strong thread for her, but it is like she is revisiting the exploration that should have happened when she was a toddler and preschooler, but it is fun to watch it happen as an older child. Kenny continues to love faith dialogue, comparing and contrasting visions of God and other religions, and is steeping himself in the history games of Age of Empires that Matt first discovered and loved a few years back.

The hardest part for me, is keeping up and being willing to change things up when I begin to recognize our levels are changing. And believe me, around here, with all the playing catch up we are doing, it happens waaaaay faster than it does in a normal situation. Wanna have a little brain fry? Here is what I deal with on a daily basis...We first started with all 4 kids but Matt grouped together in language arts and we began at the beginning a year and a half ago...yup...every single one of them started at Kindergarten level, even Josh who had just completed 1st grade. This way I knew we were covering all the same ground, reinforcing things, and we would use one curriculum for all so I KNEW we had covered everything well. Josh reviewed and flew through quickly, but is more solid I think because of it and Kenny needed to just start over as did the girls as it was all new to them, so I had 2 classes essentially, Matt, and everyone else.

Then Kenny actually learned to read...Hurray!..and pulled away in reading from 1st grade to 5th grade solid in 9 months time, but still needs tons of lower level spelling work. that required me analyzing reading material every 4 weeks or so. Surprise, Angela eventually caught him in reading but needs vocabulary development where Kenny is ahead of her there, but generally her spelling is much better. Olesya and Josh then formed their own little class for reading at 3rd grade although she is in 4th grade, as they are now about the same level. But grammar has Kenny and Josh together in 3rd grade grammar for logical reasons as the girls are together learning sentence structure for English and rules. Spelling has everyone all over the place with most in 3rd grade spelling, but Kenny and Angela are actually 5th grade. Writing has all 4 lower learners in 3rd grade writing gaining solid skills progressively, but Angela could jump ahead at this stage probably. Matt is actually in 7th grade, but is working on 6th grade writing, 6th grade spelling, 6th grade math, and 8-10th grade reading.

Whew! And that is just language arts!!

Could that EVER fit in a regular classroom setting? Each child able to work at the grade level in each subject that is truly the right fit, so that skills are acquired and not glossed over? Trust me, it wasn't the school's fault on most of it, it is that we have a very odd situation that needs tons of one on one attention, and the ability to be flexible and not boxed into "grade level". I realized that flexibility has been invaluable in helping Kenny learn to read and the girls show such amazing progress in academics and language acquisition. We can jump forward and skip what seems to be solid, and we can slow down when we need to. If something isn't working, we can change it immediately, we can add in materials, we can flesh things out, we can present things visually far more than usually happens for older kids but is exactly the way language learners and kids like Kenny need, and really helps every kid even if they are moving along just fine. Josh can work at a higher grade level in math, and so can Kenny, and not be held back by grade level. Matt can work a grade level lower on the areas he needs to strengthen, and yet still feel like a strong student as he works above in other areas. No one will beat that kid at social studies, history, physics and reading! The girls can quickly move, I can stop something if I see that suddenly we are further along, and we can re-adjust and keep them motoring ahead.

And it is all because we are not trapped by grade levels or curriculum designed with the "average" learner in mind. Nothing I have tried to use that is a "textbook" type item has worked. Our Colorado State History book is used in classrooms all over the state, and all 3 kids doing it are stumped as to why they struggle to retain the material when they can remember so much more presented in different ways. They would rather look things up themselves, make scrapbooks of material learned, read a "real" book about it, or see a movie about the Colorado river.

Of course, this discovery makes my life that much harder, as I have to work really, really hard at finding materials to present things differently. Oh, we use workbooks too, and a standard math text with good ol' Saxon, but it is easy to see that hands on, visual, or discussion works far, far better for us. That means hours and hours of internet research for me as I look to our next history unit of Leaders Great and Terrible and see what I can find for web links, great movies, biographies, etc. The single best thing we did before going to DC was to watch the Ken Burns series on Jefferson. The best learning experience ever, and they have talked and talked about all they learned. It seriously comes up in conversation more than once a week, this far out from the experience. Yea, it took us 12 hours to start and stop the DVD, talk about it, explain it, ask them their opinions, but it was deep, deep learning.

And it was totally fun.

So, when we return from California, we will be starting a new semester. Matt will be starting a strong literature and composition course, and a new separate science course in chemistry. Kenny and Angela will be grouped together for word work in their advanced phonics book, but they are way ahead of Olesya and Josh so they need separate time with mom. Science for the other 4 will need to be taught with Matt crossing over into it with us for some units to cover ground never touched before. I will need to add in several components for Kenny to address the issues talked about in previous posts, and I am gradually formulating a plan for that. I am seeing I will need to be split into a few too many parts, and will be reading all Matt's books too somehow, many of which I have yet to read myself in the past. It will require some real juggling, even more than before. It'll be fun though, it always is.

As time goes on, I am beginning to see that this is the BEST job I will ever, ever have, the one I will look back on and have enjoyed the most. Somehow, I will try to keep my brain from exploding and recognize that eventually, we will have children caught up, and all of this will become more settled. That is until we begin studying for CLEP tests for college credit and our long hoped for regional trips around the US to discover what we can, if we can pull that one off in our beat up RV. Oh yea, who am I fooling, the life of a LaJoy is never dull, always growing and stretching, forever interesting.

I like it that way :-) We are the Silly Putty Family, flexible and perfect for copying the comics! HAHAHA!

Focusing on Unexpected Love and Blessings

2011-11-10T23:09:00.001-07:00

It is 11:00 PM, and I sit here in bed as the family has all settled in for the night. It is likely I will be awake much longer, as it is easier to breath right now while propped up. No real change yet but hopefully now that a second dose of Prednisone and antibiotics is in me I will start to see some improvement tomorrow.

I have stopped the world though, finally saying I need to rest. No answering the phone, no going anywhere, nothing more than laying around. I have let a few folks down because of it, and that feels very uncomfortable for me, but at this stage is necessary. I can't walk well, I can't breath well, and I can't talk well either as coughing interrupts everything. Yes, Dominick is enjoying that part :-)

How blessed I am in so many ways though. Two different friends supplied meals tonight, totally unexpectedly and it was SUCH a relief. I know to some that is not a big deal, but as I awoke from a nap this evening as I tried to make up for only 4 hours sleep last night, it was like being wrapped in a big ol' hug to walk into the kitchen and discover such tender thoughtfulness came my way. Dominick is so tired himself, trying to cover everything I normally do and arising at 3:30 AM each morning working the early morning flight at the restaurant before beginning his "real" day.

We tend to expect me to be down for the count with something related to bronchitis/asthma/pneumonia on an almost annual basis. Sad to say, but it is true. My lungs just don't fight off the crud the way some folks can do more easily, and it almost always slips into something fierce and challenging to recover from. I guess I am lucky it came early this year and won't interfere with Christmas like it did a few years back! Hahaha! See? Always something to be thankful for.

I am thinking of an old friend of mine tonight, my childhood bestest buddy who is grieving the loss of a job. Angela was my nearest and dearest friend for so many years, someone I admired and respected even then for her intellect, her AMAZING musical gifts...seriously gifted...and her warmth. Another Italian in my life who preceded the entry of my hubby, it was my first glimpse into the life of "gravy" and home made pasta when I visited her home. I remember thinking to myself how happy I was that one of our daughters was coming to us with the given name of Angela, and how I secretly hoped she wouldn't want to change it, as it was a reminder of that dear friendship and all it had meant to me. Honestly, had we selected a name ourselves, Angela would have likely been first on the list. I know the pain of losing a job, and how hard it can be on the self-esteem. My heart is heavy for her tonight, as I well remember the tears that were near the surface for several weeks as I tried to pick myself up and remember that who I was did not have to be dictated by what someone else thought me to be. Easier lessons to embrace as we grow older and wiser, but nonetheless still very painful to go through.

I also know many would think that having 5 kids and being essentially on bed rest...and throwing homeschooling into the mix...would be just terrible. Dominick has lifted some of the burden by carrying it himself on the house project, taking the kids and working the past couple of days there with them. What seems to be a real hardship on one hand with him having very little paying work at the moment, has actually been God's provision to help us in our quest to finish. I remind myself not to worry about finances every single day, that somehow all will work out and perhaps the very reason he has been slow has been so I could recuperate. I feel like a total idiot over my knee, which is healing but really, really hurts still and I have to be very careful with it.

The kids have been fantastic, cleaning up around the house, urging me to get to bed, letting me rest when I can finally fall asleep. I asked them this afternoon to work on their language arts assignments, and I realized we have come a long way towards independence when I knew I could crash in bed for a couple of hours without any concern that they would be doing exactly what was asked of them, with no need to babysit. For as young as they are, they are really self-motivated and with my schedule created for each of them they just check things off the list as they complete them. Don't get me wrong, they still leave Legos and filthy socks all over the house...and the bane of my existence when the girls leave their apple cores on the coffee table, but that seems like little to complain about when most parents have to beg and plead with kids to get their homework done every single day. I know I could go off for a week, and the kids would just move along on their own to do those subjects which they work on independently. That is something I never expected until they were much older, and it really helps when we hit the wall like we are at right now.

They are tired...and I counted up that they have worked over 115 hours on the house project thus far. They will deserve the break coming next week when we head to California on the looooong drive to visit Grandmas for Thanksgiving. It will be our fall break, and hopefully I will be in much better shape and able to relax and enjoy our time together as well. I need to be out of sick mode and teacher mode for awhile and reconnect with the kids in mom mode. It has been awhile since I have felt well enough to be at my best with them, to really tune in, and just enjoy the people they are.

I have a LOT to follow up on with Kenny, thanks to so many of you. How can I say thanks?? Our homeschool program has also really stepped up to help create a game plan, and we will see how it all works out. I have a lot of research to do, many great leads and ideas thrown out. I feel better about it all as at least there is something to go on.

Kenny and I had a long talk in the car this morning and I explained a little about what is going on behind the scenes. I talked about what we thought might be wrong, about all I had to learn so I could then help him learn. How humbling it is to have a kid have complete and total faith in you. Kenny said "Well, if you are on it, then I know I'll be OK. No one is as smart as you mom. They may have college or have some important job as a teacher or something, but no one else got me to read, no one else got me to stop being lazy and stop thinking I was stupid." Then he laughed so hard and he said "I remember when I first came home and I was special for awhile, and I thought it would always be like that with everyone making it easy on me. Then school was hard and no one really expected me to be smart, so I got away with being really lazy. The only one who caught me all the time was you!!" then he laughed his funny little Kenny laugh which is such a hoot to hear and he added "I wanted to homeschool because I thought you wouldn't make me work as much as regular school. Man, that was when I really WAS stupid! I should have known better! You make me work harder than anyone ever will. If I can survive you as a teacher, no other teacher will ever feel hard to me."

Then he got serious for a minute and turned to look straight at me while I am still driving and he said "Thanks Mom. If you hadn't worked so hard with me and put up with me being lazy at first, I never would have changed. It was too easy to just get by and have everyone feel sorry for me. Plus I really, really thought I was stupid and couldn't learn. Once I saw that you thought I was totally smart and weren't going to let me get away with pretending and being lazy, I think I started to see that I could do a lot more." I asked him what the hardest things were for him now and he said "It is hard to know stuff and then lose it in my brain. That really, really bothers me. It is hard to know I should be understanding something you tell me to do, but I can't. It is hard for me to think that someday I'll get fired because I can't follow directions. But maybe now that we both know more, we can figure this out. If anyone can, you can Mom, and I promise I won't be lazy. I may forget stuff a lot, but I won't ever be lazy and want people to feel sorry for me anymore. I am not like that anymore, I think you changed that forever for me."

So, I will focus on recovering, relaxing, and then...

kicking butt.

Because this support thing is mutual, and Kenny thinks I am smart and not lazy. So I have to be smart and not lazy. For him. For all of them.

Watch out folks, Cindy may be down for the count momentarily, but when she rises from her sick bed, when she can breath without wheeze, we will start down the rabbit trail of learning something new about strategies and management for auditory processing. Of course I can do it, I tell the kids all the time that you can teach yourself anything you want to know. Time to put up and shut up, and show them how it's done. You don't need a college degree to learn, you only need desire.

OK, off to spend another restless late night watching Netflix. Maybe in a couple of hours I'll be feeling well enough to lay flat and try and sleep. I doubt it, but we'll give it a try.

I think I've blogged more the past few weeks than I have in months prior! You all must be totally bored with all this rattling on! Night!

Fighting the Good Fight...and Losing

2011-11-09T22:47:00.001-07:00

Today was not the best of days, for multiple reasons. I am trying to remain upbeat, I am trying..well...not to cry. OK, so I failed at that one earlier today, tears of frustration won over.

First of all, feeling this lousy has not helped, and I don't have my usual fight in me...although I think the audiologist from the school district might beg to differ on that one. As of 6:00 PM I am now on steroids, antibiotics, and 3 other meds for this asthma gone nuclear. The MD said he didn't know how I was still walking around, and though it wasn't presenting as pnueomonia...yet...he would lay odds that within the next 24 hours it would be. It has been about 6 weeks or so getting progressively worse, and as I look in the mirror at the bags under my eyes, they pretty much tell the story of how exhausted I am. So, no preaching in Silverton, no swimming in Delta, no youth group meeting. Nothing but bed and Netflix for the next several days.

Bright spots? Someone delivered flowers anonymously yesterday which was lovely and has me wondering "Hmmm...who?". The kids are doing laundry. My hubby went back to Walmart when they messed up the presecriptions so I could rest. My knee is gradually getting a little better, even if it will take weeks to feel back to normal. Josh didn't have a nightmare last night again.

On to the most frustrating, anger inducing, circular situation I have ever been involved in...other than the time when we bought a small boat years ago from a widow and the Department of Motor Vehicles insisted I get the signature of her deceased husband. They finally gave up when I asked in a raised voice loud enough for all to hear "OK...so you want me to exhume his body to get his signature??" ...but I digress...

I heard back from the audiologist at the school district. They declined to test Kenny. Why? Oh, not because they don't think he may indeed have auditory processing disorder. No, that would make way too much sense.

They declined because he is not a native English speaker, and because his IQ is 3 points too low.

Yea. You read that right, although I know no one here will react with the same feeling of being absurdly pushed aside as I did. I was told that EVERY non native speaker has what is essentially an auditory processing disorder, and was even kindly given an example of how a Japanese person will forever say "Flied Lice" instead of Fried Rice. I kid you not, that was the very words used. Because Kenny is a non-native speaker and can't be tested in his native Russian, his results will NEVER be considered valid. Oh yea, and once again they basically told me my kid is too stupid and that would effect his results as well.

Can you see why I cried? This is so darned circular that I can't even give voice to it. We can't get him tested because he didn't speak English as an infant, and his IQ tests are low. His IQ tests are low because he can't take verbal directions well or remember them. His English skills will only go so far because he can't process what he hears correctly. But we can't get him tested because...yada...yada...yada.

They also have no idea what is wrong with him. They give us no clue, and no offer of additional testing or special services help. Oh yea, they'll mail me a little info.

Dominick and I sat up talking about this as I hacked and wheezed with my knee elevated. What a picture. What do we do now? The school route is out. I don't know how we can afford testing on our own, it is in the thousands of dollars, and then it may only confirm what we already suspect...but we also know it is not the only thing going on. I have to learn HOW to teach him, and I need to know if indeed I am barking up the right tree or way off base. Notice, however, that the audiologist never said throughout our lengthy conversation that Kenny likely did not have ADP based upon my preliminary answers on the initial eval, only that they would not test for it.

By the way, Chris J, my Colorado friend, can you email me directly about the Able Kids Foundation you recommended? I did speak with them today, but have some questions and wanted to chat a little about it.

I guess I am going to once again self-educate and see what I can learn over the next few weeks about APD. There are two schools of thought, it appears. One is that you manage and come up with coping strategies, and another is that there are ways to find work arounds in the brain and re-wire. So far we have not seen much luck in that end, and both the audiologist I spoke with today and the Foundation mentioned above think along the "coping strategies" line and have little faith in any remedial efforts for long term success.

But what else am I missing? This is not the entire puzzle, only a piece of it. How much money do we spend in pursuit of possible answers? How much will be wasted because we don't have anyone knowledgable enough to steer us? Why do we parents have to go this alone, and not receive the services our tax dollars pay for?

Bright sides? Kenny is worth fighting for. Kenny IS very intelligent, even if on paper he doesn't look it. I am dogged in my pursuit for help for our kids. I don't have ALL our kids with these issues. I am smart enough to do a lot of research on my own, even if time is hard to find. I am working with him everyday and that has made me an expert on Kenny LaJoy which helps eliminate some things quickly. We ARE making a difference for him academically and he is light years ahead of where he was a year ago even if he is not at all where we wish he were for his age.

I know I am so beat up right now that I am not my normal self, and that makes it all worse. I am going to mull it all over, make more calls in the next couple of weeks, do some research and see what I can come up with. Since I will be laid up the next few days I can research online and see what else I can come up with.

And then, I will trust God will supply us with direction. What else do I have at this point? And the truth is, sometimes it takes getting to this point where you are so low that you finally hear God's leading anyway. So...I have officially arrived at the bottom, God, can you lift me up a bit? Can you help me keep my anger in check?

Can you help me help my son?

Thanks to All!

2011-11-08T21:23:00.002-07:00

Just a quick post tonight to say thanks to every single person who has commented or emailed with ideas and thoughts about Kenny's challenges. As this is blog is a resource for others with adopted kids, I try to be as honest and open as I can be, and to share what we learn Maybe others out there are experiencing the same issues and we might be able to offer some sort of comfort, answers or at least comraderie as others recognize their own children in the descriptions of ours.

Sharon did that for me when she commented on the last post. She has a child from Kyrgyzstan who was also adopted older and is describing EXACTLY the same issues as Kenny deals with daily, down to the episodic nature of it (while it all still exists on a low level all the time, it gets worse during prolonged periods of time). So was there something environmental that is affecting our kids? Or is it just the fact that both were institutionalized as young children? She describes brain mapping that shows dark spots on her daughters brain...exactly what we would expect if we had results for Kenny which is why we haven't gone ahead with expensive scans. It would tell us what we already suspect but wouldn't tell us HOW to work with it. Hearing this though confirms what we know in our heart to be true.

One thing I did learn that is helpful, thanks to another friend and long time LaJoy family follower, Catherine, is that if Kenny indeed does have Central Auditory Processing Disorder it qualifies him as disabled under the Americans with Disabilities Act. Trust me, if anyone has been around kids like this, they wouldn't even doubt that for a moment. Every time Kenny goes through this at its worst is when we wonder aloud to ourselves if he will ever be able to live independently. I am sure Sharon migh have the same doubts herself sometimes, seeing her own daughter struggle so mightily. Catherine pointed me to a web site I had not discovered which had a checklist for CAPD, which provided me with an "Of course" moment when I read it, just as I had immediately upon reading the Infant Reactive Attachment Disorder Checklist on Christmas Day all those years ago as we were trying to figure out for sure what Josh was dealing with.

For those who mentioned Dr. Gindis and pointed me to his web site, thank you. We already had Kenny assessed there when he first arrived home and were told what we see to be true as well...that Kenny's cognitive skills were obviously delayed but that he thought Kenny's intellect was such that he could definitely go to college one day if that were his path. We see the same thing, if we can get this under control. I did find the link someone sent to Dr. Gindis' article on CAPD helpful, and will be printing it out for more review and to provide to anyone working with Kenny in the future.

I am so appreciative of this little community here, for all of you who care and throw out ideas. Many of you know how puzzling some of these things can be from working with your own kids. No one in school districts really knows what our children have lacked, what they have experienced. YOU are my experts, for the experts we have access to have never seen internationally adopted kids other than perhaps once or twice in their careers. Living where we live limits us in ways those in large metropolitan areas are not limited, and I need my best resources to provide me with info I can't get from those who should be able to help. There IS no better resource than you parents who can say "Oh yea, we had that happen!" or who have done as I have and stumbled upon info somewhere along the line in pursuit of answers for your own children.

Kenny appears to maybe be coming out of it today, we will see what the next few days hold for him. Josh didn't have a nightmare last night, so progress on that front too. OK, so he sleepwalked, but at least he wasn't screaming in terror! Hahaha! Funny what we define as "progress" when we are going through periods like these. Olesya is working hard to voice her opinion more, even if it is very difficult for her, so I count that as a semi-victory. Angela is feeling pride in having painted a lot today, and Matthew is holed up happily creating a working Lego pistol with an internal mechanism that somehow uses cogs and rubber bands. Don't ask me, he tried to draw it out and explain it to me, and that was something I just couldn't visualize. I'll take a picture if he gets it to work...his creations are getting more and more interesting as he grows older. Last month it was a 3' cross bow that flung Legos 20' or more.

And I sit here with my leg propped up so my leg can heal, looking at some beautiful flowers that someone mysteriously dropped off at our front door sometime today. My knee is still somewhat swollen, and the skin injury is really bad, but thankfully it is feeling like nothing is broken inside. I think. I hope :-)

Somehow it feels like we turned a corner today. Not sure why or how. I was still awake at 3:45 AM when Dominick's alarm clock rang to wake him up, but soon finally fell asleep. Despite the lack of sleep, I somehow feel at peace tonight, more so than in a long time. Not sure why, not much has really changed but maybe God is just wrapping me up in a blanket and tucking me in tightly tonight, knowing how much I need to feel OK. Talking openly with Kenny about all of this, seeing hope in his eyes as he knows Mom is never giving up helps too. We are so lucky to parent him, and each of the kids.

We are so lucky to have so many caring people in our life. Blessed, blessed, blessed. It helps us keep on keeping on :-)

Add Insult to Injury

2011-11-07T23:52:00.000-07:00

Poor Kenny, man, that kid can't catch a break right now to save his life. How he manages to maintain a positive attitude is beyond me, and I respect him even more for it.

Today was not an easy day for him. This morning we were working on their project notebooks, and I was giving them new vocabulary words and definitions. I'd spell words that were hard for them, and Kenny simply couldn't catch it no matter how slow I went. He eventually dissolved into tears after fighting them back. I finally had to spell them a single letter at a time, and even then he had a hard time with certain letters. Suddenly he is hearing "K" as "G", and I have no clue why. He told me "Mommy, I don't know what's wrong. I hear you spelling the words and I catch the first couple of letters then it all sounds jumbled up and I can't figure it out." Even as he quietly says the word to himself, he get it completely, utterly wrong. For example, he was trying to write the word "Temperature"...a tough one, I'll give you that with that "ture" at the end not being spelled at all like it sounds. You know how he spelled it? "Tershr". Seriously. He is NOT that bad of a speller. Yes, he spells things incorrectly often, but it usually makes sense phonetically. This was repeated over and over today, words were spelled in such odd ways that they didn't even make sense.

As we all sat around the table, and I could tell that even the other kids were feeling really bad for him, so I decided to call out the elephant in the room. I had everyone stop for a family talk. I asked the kids if they understood what was going on for Kenny lately, and we talked openly about his struggles. I asked them if they minded if we took more time in spelling things and helping Kenny get things correct, or if they were annoyed. Thank goodness Kenny has the supportive siblings he has, as all of them loudly proclaimed that they didn't mind however long it took, and they felt badly that it was all so hard for him. Matt said "Don't worry Kenny, you've seen mom correct my periods and run on sentences all the time! None of us are perfect." and Angela giggled as she said "Look how bad MY spelling is sometimes too! We all make mistakes." As Kenny's tears dried I tried to explain how Kenny heard things, and why sometimes what he does seems so out of kilter with what they know I asked him to do, and mostly I made it clear that it wasn't at all his fault and that we were trying hard to figure out a solution for him. I told Kenny to look around the table. "Is anyone laughing at you, Kenny? Does anyone here think you are stupid?" he started crying again, this time from relief as he said "I am SO GLAD I am not at school. By now in 6th grade everyone would think I was dumb if I did this stuff. At least here I know my family knows I am smart sometimes, even if I can't spell or get things right all the time. I just hate when this happens though, I want to be like everyone else and I don't know how!!" and he laid his head on the table and sobbed as his brothers and sisters looked on helplessly, trying to offer encouragement as they could.

I am mad now, and I fired off an email to our school program telling them we need support NOW, and I don't understand the delays for his auditory processing full assessment. It is clearly obvious from my own research that this is part of the problem, and there ARE remedies we might be able to find with the help of qualified specialists. The full testing costs a significant amount of money, and the heel dragging is probably because of that. We had the preliminary testing at the end of the school year the year we removed him from public school but that was only an indicator, not the full assessment. Even that was a stunning surprise to the staff, despite the fact I had been saying there were issues for over a year that were not just language learning issues. Just from recently answering the determining questionnaire recently it was clear from the kinds of questions being asked that Kenny is likely to be positively identified with this disorder. Kenny needs help, and he needs it now...not 6 months from now or 2 years from now. I know it is likely there are other factors at play here as well, but this one is clearly needing to be ruled out or identified, and then maybe I can get some assistance for him.

Then, to top it off, tonight at TaeKwonDo he learned he will not be allowed to take the belt advancement test as they don't feel he is ready. I am fine with that, and so is he I think, as we all realize he is not quite where he should be to actually earn the next rank. But I just keeping thinking that this poor child needs to find success somewhere, and I have no idea where to turn to find that for him. No matter how hard he tries, it is never good enough...not good enough to play much in volleyball, not good enough to take the belt rank test, his music class on violin is stunningly bad (not surprisingly, he can't hear if he is in tune nor does he have any rhythm), he can't even successfully wash a wall right now. I have tried everything I can think of and will continue to do so to find some place where he can achieve and feel good about himself, but we are limited in opportunities around here and I just don't know what else to do. But I am beginning to feel it is imperative that he find success soon at something.

I have appreciated the comments and suggestions that you all have offered, and wanted to share a little with you. Some have suggested that we try medication for ADD/ADHD such as ritalin, etc. It is hard when reading the descriptions of his issues, as many sound attention oriented. We are not against the idea at all, however every professional that has worked with him and every teacher friend we have that knows our kids well almost laughs over the idea of Kenny being classified as ADD/ADHD...it is that obvious when around him in person that he has issues, but that is not one of them. Most can see it is a brain processing disorder of some sort unrelated to ADD/ADHD.

Is it diet? I suppose it could be, but these times when things get worse we see no discernible difference in his diet, as I have thought...especially with his background of malnutrition...that could be a cause.

Things we are currently considering aside from the Central Auditory Processing Disorder are lead poisoning, as it has been confirmed to us that might be a strong possibility based upon his environment while in infancy and toddlerhood (anyone out there with info on that reading this, please email). Of course, kids with cleft lip and palate are also at a higher risk for other abnormalities and learning disabilities as well. Then there is the lack of knowledge about Fetal Alcohol Exposure which is always possible, yet everything I have researched contrasted with the bright Kenny we know seems to point away from that.

Someone made a comment tonight about making sure we are actively using both sides of Kenny's brain, which is the one thing I have found to be enormously helpful and where I see we are making great strides with Kenny in terms of retention, etc. This was one of the reasons we decided to homeschool in the first place, because as he was entering 5th grade and moving into higher grades after that we knew there would be far less hands on learning than he needed, and no one would be catering to his need to take information in via numerous ways that were more visual.

As for special education teachers...that has been a total flop for us as we have found that most want to blame language learning or low IQ and call it "good", basically telling us we should settle and be happy he is functioning at all. Because we are homeschooling under a public school alternative program, we have access to all the same services we had when enrolled in public school. However, there is a distinct lack of willingness to dig into the problems, despite my precise descriptions of what is going on. As you all know, we are fortunate to have several retired teachers who interact with the kids often, and every single one of them does not believe Kenny's IQ score is accurate...and they are not saying that to pacify me. Kenny is quite articulate, able to conceptualize things on a very deep level, and can tie things together in ways that make it pretty obvious that his IQ scores do not match his true intellect. Of course, if a child has severe auditory processing issues and memory issues, what do you think their IQ score will look like? In the tank, for sure.

I have combed the internet looking for specialists working with post-institutionalized kids regarding academics but all I find are the ones that deal mostly with behavioral challenges.

If anyone out there has any suggestions at all, please, please throw them out for consideration. I feel as if we are sinking here, and as if we are literally fighting for Kenny's life. Does that sound melodramatic? Maybe...but how long can a child be kicked when he is already down? How much can his self-esteem take? We are fortunate that Kenny is a generally positive kid, but I worry that eventually this is going to take it's toll. As he sat at the table today hitting his head with his fists saying "Why won't my brain work right?" I wanted nothing more than to split my own skull open and exchange brains with him. Would that it were that easy.

People have no clue what institutionalization, malnutrition, lack of stimulation, and every other aspect of orphanage life can do to a child's brain and soul. You can not begin to understand the devastation caused until you live with the results of it. An orphan has already lost enough when they are relinquished, why do they have to lose the ability to think, reason, love and tolerate touch as well?

The good things? Kenny IS intelligent, he is tender and loving, he is a naturally upbeat little guy. He is deeply loved and not a quitter. He is precious. Somehow, we will figure this out, but we need a little miracle here, for sure.

What's Important

2011-11-06T22:45:00.002-07:00

We all go through those times, when everything seems hard, when nothing goes as planned, when every single step is an effort. Right now in my life, nothing is smooth, everything is rough hewn, friction is all around, and I have yet to determine if my role is to be the sandpaper!

Things are steadily going downhill even further with Kenny and Josh, as we experienced a full blown tantrum out of Joshie the other day the likes of which we haven't seen since the worst of his toddler days when Reactive Attachment Disorder was in full bloom. Kenny is really off kilter completely, and unable to accomplish the simplest tasks such as rinsing the walls behind Olesya's TSP cleansing. The directions just didn't sink in even after being instructed 3 times very clearly.

To top it all off, I fell this morning on a patch of ice, injuring my left knee quite badly. I am hoping it isn't severely injured, but tonight it is swollen and I have a case of road rash that is quite painful. This may keep me out of commission for at least a couple of days, and I am hoping that is all. Between the latest injury, the emotional turmoil around here, allergies and asthma which are the worst I have probably ever experienced, I am a big ol' wreck right now.

The good thing about being me right now? I know that it is at these times when God meets me most faithfully. When at my lowest, that is when I encounter God in new and exciting ways, ways which alter my perception permanently. Sometimes I forget that it is when we are at our very weakest that we are most open to feeling the Spirit, and so in all of this swirling around me at the moment which is so hard, I will be grateful, for I know God has something extraordinary to teach me right now, if only I'll really listen.

Today was a good day...Josh was on an even keel and is peacefully asleep on our bedroom floor, Kenny was more in tune today, the girls are settled and Matthew is his usual calm self. Dominick had some extra work today which will help, and tomorrow we are sleeping in and that alone is likely to do wonders for all of us.

We ARE making a lot of progress over at the rehab house. The kids have learned how to paint and have done a fine job of it! Check it out:

Whenever I need to count my blessings, I don't need to look far. We live in the most beautiful place on earth, a place that most of the kids have even said they wouldn't ever consider leaving if they had a choice. Our sunrise this morning was absolutely breathtakingly beautiful:

And then there are the other blessings, wonderfully created by God and offered as a temporary gift to Dominick and I:

OK, so maybe not as stunning as the sunrise photos, but when I stop and think about how far they have each come, how courageous they each are, how loving and connected we all are, there can be nothing more beatiful than the healing that can come with God's hand in it. Paint splattered, smiling, dirty on the outside but tender on the inside...not hardened. Works of art, is what they each are, still in process, a long way from completion.

It's a life I'll gladly embrace, no matter how hard it gets. Reminding ourselves daily of what is truly important, we will remember that we have one another to help us make it through this very difficult thing called "life". Together, we'll all make it, and we will never be alone.

Isn't that what it's really all about? Not perfection, but relationship and acceptance.

Tomorrow a mini-day of rest. We've all earned it!

Continual Doubts, Constant Struggle

2011-11-03T22:04:00.000-06:00

I won't lie, the past couple of weeks have been enormously challenging for me on many levels. Middle of the night asthma attacks are keeping me from being well rested, and basically wearing me out...and that intensifies everything as well.

Kenny is having a really bad spell right now, and this morning was indicative of what we all face together as a family as we try to support and encourage him. Math is Kenny's strong subject, actually really strong. He is working above grade level and his state tests show he is a mere few points below advanced. He took a review test today and got 60%. Not such a big problem, as all kids have a bad test now and then. But it's a big problem when he forgets what the math words mean, when he draws a total blank and we have one of his mental "hiccups" and he can't recall how to even approach a problem. His writing, which was looking much improved for awhile has also taken a big dive.

As Dominick sat there at the kitchen table trying to help Kenny work through his incorrect test problems while Angela sat nearby, I look up and see Kenny begin the descent to dissolving into tears...and from across the counter my heart just cracked a little wider. I went around the table and just put my arms around him as he cried, saying nothing, for words were not needed.

This kid...who is SO darned bright and works SO darned hard will struggle like this for the rest of his life, and on a night like tonight I feel nothing but profound loss and grief over it. As we have worked on our little project house wondering if one day we might be living in it ourselves, we also wonder if Kenny will have no alternative but to reside there with us. Don't get me wrong, you couldn't have a more agreeable life long companion and we would not have an ounce of resentment should that be the end result, but it would kill me to see Kenny limited in such a way when in other ways he is honestly higher functioning than many who are years older than he is. He is a deep soul, and can make connections that others will never make, as those who know him in "real life" will attest to. But his memory loss, the disconnect that occurs periodically, his inability to follow even the simplest 2 step instructions without becoming confused...these are huge things to overcome.

Adding insult to injury, he realized he lost his history journal, containing the entire semester's work in it. He spent an hour and a half looking for it, knowing it has to be in the house somewhere, but it is long gone. It's probably located in the same place his violin music magically disappeared to, that dark Kenny void that none of us have yet to find.

I had a long talk with him this evening about all of this, once the emotion and frustration had died down. I don't want him feeling alone in all of this, and I was glad to learn we have made some strong corrections for him even if we are not able to overcome much of what he faces. I asked him how he felt about himself these days, and he said "I feel smarter, for sure, maybe not today but I do feel smarter than I used to." I smiled when we talked about how his opinion of himself has changed since coming home for school and he said "I feel as smart as Matt now, but I knew coming home that he would never make fun of me and would help me. That made it easier, I didn't have to worry about looking stupid with Matt as he always treated me like I was smart even if I didn't do well in school."

We talked about how he IS smart, but that his brain functions differently than everyone else's, and that will require him to work harder and use tools and routines to keep him on track. I also told him that now that he understood better how he learned and what his difficulties are, he needed to explain to others that work with him that he needed to hear instructions one step at a time, or have things written down for him. We talked about ways he could cope, and how we would need to get creative to discover good strategies for him...but that would require him to not be lazy and actually do whatever we came up with, even if things took him longer. I also reminded him that I am right there with him, every step of the way, and will give it my all to help him succeed but that I expected the same thing from him. He told me "I am so lucky to have YOU for a mom, I think lots of other moms would have thought I was just stupid and given up on me. You never will, you and I are too stubborn to give up!"

As I shared with Dominick later, it is hard to know the right thing to do with Kenny sometimes. Knowing that much of this is completely beyond his ability to fix, how accountable do we hold him? And if we don't hold him as accountable as we would the other kids, Kenny has already shown he will quickly give in to the "I can't do it" attitude and play the "pity" card. Yet I don't want to discourage him with unrealistic expectations. Thankfully, all the other kids really and truly understand that Kenny sometimes just can't get it all together and it is through not fault of his own...they are compassionate and kind with him to a fault. That helps enormously. But knowing when to press and when to let up is becoming ever increasingly more complicated to discern, and I fear we are not doing a good job of it.

Kenny's anguish is very real, and very understandable...and we feel it too. We don't have a clue what to do about it, no specialist we have contacted seems to be able to help. Scans would tell us what we already suspect, parts of his brain aren't working right, but that is awfully expensive information to confirm when it doesn't lead to "how to" strategies. What would make it easier, perhaps, would be if Kenny had global developmental delays and was unaware of how affected he was. Instead we have a young man who is so sharp in so many areas, and clearly can see how he is not the same as others and how this is holding him back from being all he could be. I think that alone is harder than actually dealing with things on a daily basis with him.

On another front, it is possible we may have had a tiny breakthrough with Olesya. Two days ago we talked about her dance class, asking if she wanted to continue with it. She had indicated early on that it wasn't what she had thought it would be, that kids there had been going to class together for several years and were not open and friendly in including her, and that she wanted to quit. We told her we wanted her to give it a few weeks to see if things changed, and then we would consider letting her drop. When we asked her, the immediate response was "Yes, I want to stay in class." and then we shrugged our shoulders and said "OK".

Later that day while we were working, she told me she wanted to talk to me. She said with tears in her eyes "Mama, I don't want to do dance class." I asked her why she didn't just say so in the first place, as that is why we had asked her in the morning and had told her clearly we didn't mind if she quit. She said "I thought you'd get mad at me." I laughed and told her that didn't "fly" as we had asked her a couple times "Are you sure? You haven't seemed to enjoy it much." and there was no reason at all for her to think we would have been mad if she told us the truth. We had another mini-meltdown as she then shrugged her shoulders and said "I don't know why I didn't tell you."

So we had another long talk about her being on "automatic", and how proud I was of her for finally expressing what she really felt and wanted. The look of relief on her face was so obvious, and then, for the very first time I think she and I connected on a much deeper level when she looked me squarely in the eyes and said "I am so sorry Mama, I am going to try hard to let you know what I like and don't like. I don't know why it is hard for me, but I going to practice!" then she came over and gave me the most gentle kiss and said "Thank you Mama, you make me better all the time." Since then I have noticed she has made a real effort to express herself, which is hard work for her, and not casually shrug off things. I have praised this highly when I see it and recognize her efforts even if it is just baby steps. A couple of times she has hugged me or looked at me in a more intimate way, as if she is slowly lifting the veil from over her heart. Funny how I interpret such things, and could be way off base, but it just feels different in a way that is hard to describe.

Lots of intensity here at Casa LaJoy, enough to drag me under at moments, I fear. No one else would see it, understand it, or care about it and sometimes I wonder if I were a different sort of person if all of this would slide smoothly over the layers of our lives. If I were different, surely this would be easier, and sometimes I think it is I that is too intense and not the kids. But there is growth, sure and certain, even if it is hard on the soul to achieve. There is joy and laughter in between as well, even if there are nightmares and inner whispers. I have thought a lot the past few days about how different moms would handle our situation so differently, and wondered if their approaches would be better. Sometimes we are so close to a problem we can't see things clearly.

But I am the mom they are stuck with, and all I can do is my best, even if that looks different than how others would handle it. Surely I am laughed at by others, surely there are some who would work wonders with our kids in ways I can't even imagine. But no one would love them more, I guess that'll have to be enough.

Here's to what I hope is a decent night's sleep, and to not stepping on Joshie's head as I get up in the middle of the night!

A Long Day, A Lot of Progress

2011-11-02T07:47:00.000-06:00

We are entering Week 3 of our project, and thus far enthusiasm hasn't waned. The kids were up at 7 this morning, at the house by 9, and worked most of the day. They took a dinner break, then we went on to spend 2 hours on our notebooks for the project, which are going to be quite nice once they are complete. They each have about 8 or 9 pages of journaling, 2 pages of safety notes, 50+ new vocabulary words recorded, 25 pages of photos, 12 pages or so of calculations for square footage and budgeting, and pages with color samples recorded. They are proud of their work, and they should be...it is going to make a terrific representation of all they have learned. Our school is exceptional in recognizing such learning as being valid and effective, but I have to be creative (not my strong suite as we all know!) at coming up with ways to document that learning.

Today was the day we had a guest teacher, Mr. Steve, who came to help us learn how to repair drywall and prep for painting. We have many generous and talented folks who have volunteered to work with the kids, and Steve is a really fine teacher. He is not at all disturbed by 5 young bodies bustling about, he "gets it" that this project is not so much about us getting the house done but is far more about the kids gaining new skills and actually doing as much hands on work as they can, and he is as patient as the day is long. Step by step he walked them through the process, and each one of the kids participated fully and could probably repair a hole all by themselves now. We are not quite done as we have to put a second coat of drywall compound on today and sand everything smooth, but it will all be done today...at least the big holes. There are plenty of 1"+ holes to be filled from where the folks who owned it prior ran speaker wire through walls..enough for every kid to have a go at repairing one! Angela worked overheard on the large grooves cut in the ceiling and seemed to really enjoy doing it. There are more ceiling cracks for others to try their hand at! Yea! Hahaha!

Here are some photos of yesterday's progress:

Before "class" began, preparing the floor for laminate tile to go in, ripping up tack strips.

Learning about what drywall is made of and the history of drywall.

"That looks like bread dough!" Josh said.

Measure twice, cut once...or maybe cut a couple more times for a perfect fit :-)

These cutters are getting a workout on this project! Carpeting, drywall, ripping out old linoleum...handy little tools!

Olesya trying to visualize how to measure to trim the drywall.

Kenny taking his turn. Kenny is really sharp at math, probably our strongest student in mental math and applied math. Even Matthew defers to him, and he isn't shabby at it.

Ready to Rock!

Mr. Steve patiently explaining how to cut.

Tada! Now the fun part...mudding it!

Olesya had the perfect size...until we realized she was using the wrong thickness of drywall! Oops!

Joshua and Angie working as a team to make the patch for the smaller hole.

See? Not so hard!

Matthew, Olesya and Kenny worked on applying the mesh and mud, as well as floating it when it was done.

Josh using mesh and mud to fill one of the many smaller holes throughout the house.

What kid doesn't like using ladders?

Angela has a real knack for filling and floating the big grooves!

Still a LOT of work ahead of us!!

Things I have personally discovered as we have worked the past 3 weeks are:

1) Although I haven't done as much of the hands on work as I normally would, it makes the entire project run MUCH more smoothly to have someone be the designated "runner" so no one else has to pull off the job. Especially when that running has included volleyball practice 3 times a week up until now!

2) Our kids continually rotate in partnerships with one another, without a word being said. I have been surprised how this keeps shifting from day to day, and I recognize that there is not teaming up against anyone else which helps family harmony tremendously.

3) Kids are capable of far more than we think they are, or allow them to be.

4) Although I recognized the value before starting, I don't think I embraced as fully as I should have just how incredibly valuable hands on learning really is...and how sad it is that most children don't get the chance to do as much of it as they should.

5) I should have saved some old shoes for this for each of the kids.

6) I am really, really glad we worked so hard on academics over the summer so I am not stressing about what we might be missing right now. We are at almost 500 hours right now, and we only need 720 for the entire year. Of course, reaching that goal won't stop us :-)

7) People can be inquisitive to the point of rudeness. We have been in and out of stores during regular school hours far more we ever have been, as we gather supplies, etc. No less than 5 times have I been asked pointedly why our kids are not in class. I am not too sensitive over this, it has really been asked quite rudely. I will never understand why anyone would ever feel it is appropriate to walk up to a total stranger and ask the things we have been asked over the years...how much our kids "cost", if they were left in trash cans in their birth countries, if they are really "mine", why we would ever choose to homeschool, aren't we afraid they will be anti-social if they aren't in class with other kids, etc. I would never in a million years EVER think of asking such intimate questions of a total stranger. For some reason, being "different" seems to mark us as "fair game".

8) I don't know how working mom's do it, my hat is off to each and every one of them. I am flummoxed just trying to keep up right now, and I would never do it as well as so many others I know somehow managed to do it. How in the world do you keep up with laundry and grocery shopping? How do you ever get a meal on the table rather than collapse at the end of each day? I salute you, working moms of the world!

9) Our kids make great partners in large projects like this, they are steady, committed, hard working, non-whining, and fun to be with when tired at the end of the day.

10) How in the world am I ever going to top this one?? Their interest level causes me to really step it up a notch, and I have no idea what we will do that will be more engaging than this one. Any creative ideas for major educational projects that anyone would like to share? We have a lot of years ahead of us!

Off to get some kids up and at 'em. After staying up late last night to work on their notebooks I thought I'd let them sleep in a bit. I think they've earned it!

A Hard Workin', Hard Playin' Halloween

2011-10-31T23:43:00.000-06:00

After a brief lull in work on our rental rehab project last week due to volleyball and Halloween party prep, we were back in the groove this morning. We were anxious to get the remainder of the outside work completed as the forecast calls for a strong chance of snow this week, so we knew we had to kick it into high gear. Once again, it seems I ended up with the easy end of it, as I drove here and there paying for things and picking up needed items, as well as getting dinner ready early so we could be ready to hit the streets for Trick or Treating. I am sure I will more than make up for it in the coming days, as Dominick finally has some detailing work scheduled and will be absent from our project for awhile. We are grateful that his phone started to ring suddenly today, so will gladly sacrifice to have him bring home the bacon. Kenny alone eats enough to feed a small country!

The kids all pulled together to get the gravel finished, and Kenny chopped away at a large and deeply rooted evergreen of some sort, as Matthew learned how to use the chain saw and took out a lonely half dead shrub of some unknown variety. They each took turns painting trim, which was completed today as well, and FINALLY the fence staining was finished, which I took on as the majority of my work for the afternoon!

I am glad the kids had a sense of accomplishment today, as it has continued to be a rough time here in some ways. When I say that, it is not what some would imagine with mouthy pre-teens, etc. Thankfully, for the time being, we have been spared that for the most part with an occasional lapse here or there. No, unfortunately Kenny is really walking through a bad spell with lapses in memory and logic...putting on a long sleeved church shirt this morning to go paint in along with his old faded paint pants, or asking me a question about exactly what I just said that he heard but somehow didn't process. Doesn't sound so bad until it happens 8 or 10 times a day, then frustration rises which is pointless to give voice to because he can't do much about it. He is forgetting everything under the sun, having to go back into the house when we leave 2 or 3 times to gather whatever it is he needs for wherever we are going. He is forgetting words he knows as well, stumbling to describe things as he reaches for words that have slipped away for awhile. It is really challenging for all of us when he goes through these phases, but somehow we manage to help him make it through the day unscathed and feeling positive about himself, at least for the most part.

Joshie is deeply into the throes of his regression, waking up with night terrors again and now permanently residing for the unforeseen future on our bedroom floor so he can be comforted, even if he can't be truly wakened. It is scary for his siblings when they hear him in the middle of the night and he sits straight up in bed crying out, and won't wake up when they try to help him. Kenny and Matthew led him into our room around 11:00 PM the other night, and although upright and moving, Josh was completely not with us, very much in a dream state and unable to pull out of it. It took me about 20 minutes to get him to lay down, and he promptly fell back into a deeper sleep within moments. During the day he is exhibiting signs of being more insecure as well, checking up on me often to see if I am still there, wanting to be near me. Interestingly, he would never even see that he is like this if I tried to explain it to him.

I was telling Dominick Sunday afternoon that there are times when I don't even realize how very tired I am, how I need a break just to clear my head. I am not the first Mom to ever deal with such things, for sure, but homeschooling and being around the kids 24/7 means there is little time to recharge my own batteries. Then there are the other things going on, swirling around my life which need attention too. Sometimes I am better at balancing it all than others, right now I am not doing a good job of it.

I ended up taking several photos today, and as sometimes happens one kid happens to be in better light more often, or is doing something that photographs better than the others. It all eventually evens out over time as each child has "their day", but this time it seemed to be Joshua who was front and center. Oh yea, two paragraphs above might explain that! HAHAHA!!! What a hoot, I didn't even think about that until this very minute!!! Duh...

Here are some photos from our work today:

Learning how to hold the brush.

Practicing with Daddy.

I can do it myself!

As I took these photos this morning, I thought about how blessed I am to be parenting with Dominick...a man who adores his family, would do anything for them, and spends more time with his kids than most Dads I know. He is firm and patient, strong and yet cuddly. He is playful and silly in ways I could never be, and is the one whose work ethic has rubbed off on the kids. They see a wonderful example of a man committed to doing whatever it takes to make sure his family is provided for, who trusts that God will help him if he puts the effort in, and who expects more out of himself than he expects out of others. As I see the kids working so faithfully on this project, willing to put in such incredibly long physical hours hauling gravel, painting tedious fence board after fence board, ripping out carpet and doing so without complaint, I know they have already begun to internalize lessons from their Dad that will carry them far in this world, no matter what they do.

Matthew painting the trim up high...the only one not afraid to be up there!

Gosh, he looks like a man these days, one we are very proud of.

Our Fence Stainer Extraordinaire moving on to trim paint.

Angela has worked so hard, as she spent most of the day hauling gravel and still had the desire to paint trim.

Kenny ready to help unload the car, heavy with flooring!

"Hey, at least I don't have a paint brush in my hands for a change!!"

These two were really having fun together today, wait till you see their Halloween costumes below! I loved this photo of the two of them, as I thought about how homeschooling has really enhanced their relationship with one another.

"It's heavy, but if the big kids can do it, so can I!"

Our numbers kid, counting the cases.

Maybe the baby of the family, but certainly not a baby anymore and well on the way to being a young man we all respect and admire.

And now on to some Halloween fun! The kids all brainstormed on ideas for their costumes one night over dinner a couple weeks ago, and came up with some good ones. A special thanks to our lovely friend Miss Jill who shared some of her own garb with the girls.

Olesya as a Business Woman. Dominick thought she looked like a Flight Attendant! It's a skirt, you KNOW this didn't come from my closet!! Thank goodness for friends who dress better than I do!

Josh as a sort of zombie-ish Kyrgyz cowboy. Don't ask, it was the look he was going for and he was pleased!

Angela who added the webbing and spiders to her costume, and I did her face. She loved the green look!

Our special pair of dice! They may look mismatched in some ways, but they are both totally goofy and had great fun creating these and going out tonight dressed alike. Love the joy I see on their faces, simply because of being together. That's worth more than anything to us, that our children love one another and are willing to show that to the world.

It's really hard to hug when you are a big ol' square! HAHAHA!

It doesn't matter how hard things are, it doesn't matter how much we struggle financially or emotionally. We are together, we find wholeness in one another. A cardboard box and some paint is all it takes sometimes :-) Ultimately, how can that not help heal us all? How can our work together as a family not help us succeed in ways none of us can imagine? How can keeping God in the center of it all not be the key?

When I see the pictures here today, it helps me re-center myself and recognize what is real, what is good, what is...dare I say it...Holy. Looking at Matthew and Kenny, unabashed in their delight with one another, that surely is what Holy is...it doesn't have to be solemn. Seeing Olesya dressed up, looking for all the world like a bright business woman, how can I not have hope that indeed one day she will see what we all see is possible for her? Seeing Angela gain a little piece of the childhood she was long denied, dressing up like a little girl and pretending, how can that not have a thread of God running through it? And Joshua, growing so strong and capable with each passing day, learning to count on himself and see himself as able to conquer anything, God's healing is right before my eyes.

We have a long way to go, all of us together. There are times when I get discouraged, times when I am overwhelmed, times when we doubt and fear the future for the kids AND for us. Today the kids asked us sincerely about the risk we are taking with the purchase of this little house, and they know Dad hasn't had a lot of work lately so they wonder how we can not be afraid. We are...in the dark, when we are tired and the receipts are adding up, and we whisper about the bills sitting on the kitchen counter. We speak of things like faith in God's leading, of life not offering guarantees that it will always be easy, about hard work and stick-to-it-iveness paying off, about making commitments and trusting that honoring those commitments will be a reward unto itself. Mostly though, we pray and back up that prayer with action as best we can. We laugh as we talk about other risks...with every single child we brought home, with moving to Colorado in the first place and trying to make a life here with no jobs...just dreams. We share about ways in which God has blessed us over and over again in ways not measured on a calculator, and how THAT is the stuff that is important. And we look around the table at one another and say "We are LaJoy's, we can do anything.", and we mean it with all our heart.

These tough times shall pass, as they always do, and more will blow in behind them. But if we can live in joy in the midst of it, if we can feel loved and supported through them, then we can accomplish a great deal in this world. If we can stick together, if we can hold on to what so many lose every single day as families break apart, either literally or spiritually, then we will indeed be blessed even if Top Ramen is on the menu for dinner. Been there, done that, will be there again I am sure...and never happier :-)

After all, I have a king sized set of dice to roll, and from the looks on their faces, we will be winners!

Happy Halloween, One and All!

Ups and Downs...Today Was UP!!

2011-10-30T00:13:00.000-06:00

Seen this evening on our way home from volleyball.

Hot air...sometimes we are all "full of it", sometimes we all need a little lift from it. It's all in perspective, it can be obnoxious or elevating :-)

We have had quite a week, full of ups and downs, and today was a strong reminder of what it is all really about. Kenny and Angela had their season end volleyball tournament, which was a really big deal for everyone participating. It was an all day affair, and we had to be up early to head to the next town over for it. This was after a late night filled with friends, pumpkins and hot dogs as we held a small Halloween gathering at our house last night. We had about 20 people over, more pumpkins than we needed, and a nice time of visiting with friends, old and new.

Here are the teammates, ready for their big day! I love that they enjoy being on the same team, and that being siblings with starkly contrasting skills hasn't been an ounce of trouble:

Go Flames!!

I was a little concerned initially about both of them being on the same team, but I shouldn't have been. Yes, Angela is a natural at the sport and Kenny will never likely be a natural at much of anything that relates to sports. The love they share for one another is so evident though, and a respect for each other's gifts is always present. Even their coach told me today what a blessing it was to see the two of them playing together, and how sensitive Angela was about Kenny's feelings. She said she intentionally tried much of the season to place them side by side on the court, as she quickly saw that Angela would take great care to set Kenny up with the ball, and she would purposely back off when Kenny was next to her so he could have a chance at the easier lobs. Funny how what in some families would be a really sticky situation turned out to be a wonderful chance for both Angela and Kenny to appreciate each other's gifts. Kenny became the best cheerleader ever for the team, and showed such graciousness in never being upset at not playing as much as any of the other kids on the team. Angela always complimented Kenny, and Kenny always compliment her and all his other teammates on a well played game.

Today, Kenny only got to play for about 4 or 5 points the entire 3 games of the tournament. Honestly, it was probably the right move by his coach, as the competition was fierce the entire time, and Kenny would have felt terribly if the team lost due to a costly error on his part. This way, he went out of the season still feeling good about his performance overall for the season, and not feeling any regret due to any mistakes made on the final day.

He also became even more my hero, and I think that is true for all of us on Team LaJoy. Sometimes it truly is the "least of these" who show us how to live a life filled with joy and grace.

Angela had a great tournament, playing quite well, making a mistake here or there, diving for balls, and really contributing to her team's victories. It was a great first year experience for both of them, and all 4 of the older kids are looking forward to playing next year. Poor Joshie will have 2 more years before he is old enough to play, guess he'll be the official Team LaJoy mascot!

Their team went on to win two medals, one for being #1 for the season and the other for being #1 in the tournament:

Our family is a little weird, and in a long conversation with my mom tonight we yacked about how, for some reason, our kids are just not motivated by awards and accolades. Oh sure, they enjoy it just as we all do from time to time, but in the long run they don't have a need to be the center of attention. But when it comes to things like sports or other competitive things, they are in it more for the fun of doing it. When we missed the track meet this spring due to the death of our nephew, not a single one was upset about it, saying that they had fun practicing and that family was more important. None of the kids cares at all about proving how smart they are with good grades, and I quickly found that for them, issuing "report cards" was pointless. They want to learn, they love the comments and encouragement, but they don't have the need that so many of us have to show they are better than others, and instead tend to prefer to lift others up. Time and time again I have been surprised at how little sense of competition there is between all of our kids, especially with the 4 older ones being so close in age to one another. It surely helps that each has their own interests that are quite different from one another, but I keep waiting for it to creep up and explode on us...and it still certainly could...but thus far it hasn't even come close. That alone makes our home much more peaceful than it was even for my parents with me and my brother!! Hahaha! My poor parents, it was ROUGH!!

Really though, isn't THIS what it is all about???:

Kenny gained far more this season than skill or playing time, he gained a wonderful new buddy...as did Angela. Sports are not the end all and be all, they are supposed to be a means to get fit, and to build relationships. I think I can say honestly, "Mission Accomplished!" and I am GLAD we have the kids we have, despite the fact that most will never be the "rock stars" on a court, field or even in the classroom. They are special in their ordinariness, they are walking a path all their own, they are not letting the things of this world call out to them and dictate who they become. Will they remain this way? I hope so.

And as Kenny jumped up and down, yelling for his team during the final game, rooting for his sister and teammates, I realized that being different is in many ways, a much happier way to be.