tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post913727099155644164..comments2024-03-08T13:52:22.224-07:00Comments on LAJOY FAMILY: Birth Mom Sues After Being Found by Child Placed for AdoptionCindy LaJoyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16486626867331586704noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-6805993497835819392009-06-27T22:45:46.698-06:002009-06-27T22:45:46.698-06:00I agree it is a very tough question to work throug...I agree it is a very tough question to work through. I firmly believe that it is wonderful the birth mom in this story choose life for her child--she already gave her the utlimate gift. so what about giving her information and meeting her. I can understand why the child wants information and even why she wants a relationship with her BM but what does she have a right to? That is where it gets sticky. I believe that we all have rights to many things but that our own rights end when they would cause harm to some one else. So I guess this would make me lean towards the Birth Mother's side in this case. It would be great if she gave the child information and even nicer if she met her and had a relationship but does she have to--No, I don't think so.McMaryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11873520091723141063noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-90376427533361237482009-06-27T20:57:08.387-06:002009-06-27T20:57:08.387-06:00Well, I have a few thoughts on this post and I wil...Well, I have a few thoughts on this post and I will have to respectfully disagree with you, at least on most parts.<br /><br />I would like to take the rape part out of this story because that really does change the complexion of it. My feeling is that if you have consensual sex and become pregnant, you do have a responsibility to that child. You have a responsibility to have as healthy a pregnancy as possible and to make sure that child is cared for after birth - whether that be you, the father, biological family or an adoptive family. And yes, I do believe that birth parents have a responsibility to give information to a birth child. There is no responsibility to an ongoing relationship but there is a responsibility for knowledge and information.<br /><br />I am bothered by the fact that we as a society have taken the responsibility out of sex. Sex has consequences - some wonderful, some unexpected and some dangerous. People want the fun without the responsibility and life doesn't work that way, especially when emotions and expectations are involved. If you create life then you do have a measure of responsibility towards that life for the entire duration of that life. <br /><br />Rape does change that equation because the woman did not choose to have sex. But the blame needs to lay with the rapist, not the mother and not the child. I'm not sure that helps sort through this issue but we need to make sure the blame lies on the right person. HE is the one who made communication and contact so difficult - not the mother and not the child. They are simply the ones left to pick up the pieces. We sit here and debate whether the mother was wrong or whether the child was wrong. Had the father not raped the mother, we may be having a very different conversation and we probably wouldn't be having this conversation at all.<br /><br />The biggest issue in this lawsuit case is that times, laws and expectations have changed since the adoption plan was made 30 years ago. When the mother made the adoption plan 30 years ago, closed adoptions were the norm. 30 years later, it is a different story. I wonder how much information was given to the adoptive family and child at placement - medical information, biological family information, etc. I would think that would make some difference, even if it wouldn't fill all of the needs of the child. <br /><br />I do have to say, my viewpoint is a bit tainted. I have a good friend who was adopted about 30 years who has struggled with a similar situation. There was no rape involved but her birth mother was very young when she had her. When my friend sought her out, she also was turned down, very harshly I thought. In my friend's case, she was able to make some superficial contact with biological relatives. It hasn't totally filled the hole in her heart but I do think it helped some. It does put the relatives in a difficult spot though too, because they want to remain supportive to the bio mom while also continuing a relationship with my friend.Tammyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06021169041622431205noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-76533693930310312792009-06-26T12:22:45.279-06:002009-06-26T12:22:45.279-06:00oops I put this on the wrong post!!oops I put this on the wrong post!!Calico Skyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03640365330149203615noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-15108942115634806912009-06-26T12:22:20.787-06:002009-06-26T12:22:20.787-06:00I'm a new reader to your blog and really enjoy...I'm a new reader to your blog and really enjoyed this post. I wouldn't trade my solid life with God for any amount of money or fame!Calico Skyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03640365330149203615noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-48071428593043496312009-06-24T15:55:36.957-06:002009-06-24T15:55:36.957-06:00I'm going to go out on this limb...as one who ...I'm going to go out on this limb...as one who does not know who her sperm donor is, who has tried to contact him, who has even met him once and then had the door shut in my face. I am not a big believer in the whole "I have rights" things because to be frank, I think that it is a flippin miracle that I am on this planet, however it came to be, and the only RIGHT I have is to make choices based on circumstances. I've never been one that believed, "So and so has a right-to-know" or whatever because, really...who says? Who says I have rights? Who says the sperm donor has rights? I believe our lives, whatever they end up to be or from whence they come, are ordained and commanded by God Almighty and any privileges I am afforded are through Him and Him alone. Of course there is curiosity--I wouldn't have looked for him if there wasn't. But really, in hindsight, I question why I even looked. I knew he wanted my mom to have an abortion. I knew he didn't want to have anything to do with her or me. I knew all of that. So, knowing all that and still looking? Well, in my eyes, I was just opening myself up to whatever I got. Which was, as I said, the door in my face. That birth mother had those records sealed for a reason, and I think too many of us feel that we are entitled to so many things simply because we are born and walk the earth. While the adoptee's case may be, "I didn't ask to be born, I have a right to know how I came to be," the birth mother could say the same, "I didn't ask for you to be conceived, but I was compassionate enough and kind enough to allow you the live God planned for you."<br /><br />I have never felt I had a right to any information about my beginnings. I have curiosity and desire to know, but anything I know is information I was privileged enough to be told or to find. I am just grateful that my mother chose life, and though I think the monetary damages may be a little steep here, I have no doubt that the birth mother's life has truly been jarred. She chose life, and that was so much more than she had to do.Lorihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01828552745708177768noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-86087309653137023392009-06-24T11:00:11.486-06:002009-06-24T11:00:11.486-06:00I agree with you, but I also disagree. I think ado...I agree with you, but I also disagree. I think adoptees must have access to their information. I think they should have the right to contact the birth parents. However, I also think birth parents have the right to not have a relationship with the grown child. I fully understand what you say about privacy, but I feel like the child's right to know who she is, and where she came from, have to come first. I think knowing who you are and where you come from is essential, to heal the grief of abandonment. I have an acquaintance whose daughter from China will never be able to heal that place in her heart, because she was abandoned. The child is having real problems coping with that grief. <br /><br />At least the NJ mom's child has some information, which is better than nothing. I feel bad for her, though, because this case is going to set precedents, and whatever happens will just cause more pain for that child.Deehttp://deescribbler.typepad.com/my_weblog/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-69583238709066569342009-06-24T07:58:32.694-06:002009-06-24T07:58:32.694-06:00Lets stop and think about this situation. New Jer...Lets stop and think about this situation. New Jersey is historically known for not releasing information. I have heard many a complaint from New Jersey adoptees and birthmothers on this issue alone. <br /><br />Now lets look at the critical information in this article. The adoptee contacted both the birthmother and her daughter. Okay look at this reasonably. How does the state of New Jersey know the information on the daughter? They don't. This adoptee probably used paid services to find her. There are companies out there that will give full heritage to an adoptee or birthmother. Granted it is for huge fee, but they are out there. I don't the state of New Jersey gave the adoptee this information. <br /><br />There is that one million dollars. For those that are not picking up this little tidbit, notice how this article showed up in a Philly newspaper when all the connections were in New Jersey. Where is the adoptee rights demonstration being held? IN Philadelphia. Is this a set up? I think so. Notice that the NCFA totally ignores the adoptee in this story. They even state that the agreement should be between the adoptive parents and the birth parents. The NCFA always brings out a raped woman when fighting against adoptee rights. We have birthmother bloggers who also have been raped and would have prefered to raise their child. Just as they can bring one out, so can we. I have known more mothers who were raped that loved their relinquished children.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-86577142894213684612009-06-24T07:44:41.498-06:002009-06-24T07:44:41.498-06:00Cindy-our brains, our hearts are unbelievably conn...Cindy-our brains, our hearts are unbelievably connected. I don't know why God has given me this special woman who seems to constantly be on my same wavelength. I cannot believe this is your post as I am praying right now about continuing contact with a birth mother. In brief, there is no brief, but it is not one's rights over another-absolutely not. It MUST be an agreed upon reunion. The hurt is too deep on both sides. For some of my children, it will be a sad, rude awakening to meet their birth parents-perhaps even an excuse to fail in life, but hopefully a push to succeed-for others, a very strong impossibility to even find the birth parents and this will carry its own pain and for others, an incredible, emotional, loving reunion. Each will carry it's own special pain and some will be mixed with joy....but it is nobody's right to force the other into this meeting. As always, in awe of the cord we are a part of-oh my, my shock when I saw your blog this a.m.!! Love you, my dear friend.Carrie DeLillehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07130418114627916690noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-29822767180650107612009-06-24T07:42:24.572-06:002009-06-24T07:42:24.572-06:00This comment has been removed by the author.Carrie DeLillehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07130418114627916690noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-43385341828382529202009-06-24T07:31:13.066-06:002009-06-24T07:31:13.066-06:00I don't have experience yet (our first adopted...I don't have experience yet (our first adopted child is not even home yet!), but I agree with what you have written! Especially the part about it being OK to pursue it, until one has the indication that a possible reunion is not a mutual desire--then drop it right there. There ARE birth mothers who have longed to see their biological child (I've seen it firsthand with friends) and everyone is overjoyed that the young-adult adopted child took steps to find her. Their families' relationship now is the neatest thing. None of them would have that now if it weren't for him starting the search. <br /><br />So I think if a child has that desire someday when he's grown up--he's got to prepare his heart for the worst, but hope for the best! You just never know!TheHappyNeillshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07631920654633599712noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-11798183781439430032009-06-24T06:17:45.432-06:002009-06-24T06:17:45.432-06:00CIndy
thanks for your post on this and the way you...CIndy<br />thanks for your post on this and the way you lay it out. Esp when we consider the 'deal' made when she placed her child for adoption, that she would never see her again. And she gave her life and didnt abort... I agree wholeheartedly. I also never thought about the repercussions of allowing adoption records to be open, on abortions. And you are right, even though there is more of a move towards openness, girls (and the men) will be quicker to permanently `fix` the problem rather than adoption. <br />JoyceJoycehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11103468879639388287noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-34836885025221930472009-06-24T03:25:00.635-06:002009-06-24T03:25:00.635-06:00This comment has been removed by the author.Carrie DeLillehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07130418114627916690noreply@blogger.com