tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post6898944788420545698..comments2024-03-08T13:52:22.224-07:00Comments on LAJOY FAMILY: Anonymous Judgment of All of us IA Parents - Part 2Cindy LaJoyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16486626867331586704noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-75982683045982977792008-12-08T13:47:00.000-07:002008-12-08T13:47:00.000-07:00wow. This seems to be the same person that came to...wow. This seems to be the same person that came to my blog a few months ago when I was researching Haitian adoption. <BR/><BR/>Like many others I have vacillated between domestic and international adoption. Foster care adoption is NOT for everyone. It is cumbersome and the wait can be JUST as long if not longer than International adoption. I am on a yahoo board where there are people STILL waiting and have been waiting for 3+ years for US adoption; one member has waited for 16 years(off and on but more on than off) and is open to all types of children,all ages, any issues. Yet they wait. MANY states are looking for Foster parents, not adoptive parents, thus there are MORE adoptive parents than there are children to adopt them. The US is big on reunification of the child with the bio family and I agree with this to a certain degree.. specifically if it is in the best interest of the child. <BR/><BR/>Also consider, as I have recently found out, some children (mostly teens) have the right to say whether or not they want to be adopted OR whether they can be adopted out of state. The age they can make that determination varies by state. Thus the numbers CAN be misleading and skewed. <BR/><BR/>And I have to agree with the comments on family size limiting adoption from US fostercare. There are limits setup (by the states) and parents are running into brick wall trying to adopt when they have more than the alloted amount. <BR/><BR/>Research, talk to other parents, research some more... you'll get the REAL facts on all aspects of adoption. Not just the cute fluffy stories.<BR/> <BR/>I like the comment that someone has already stated when asked why didn't they adopt from the US: Well , why don't YOU (adopt from the US)?!? <BR/><BR/>International children should have just as consideration as US children when parents turn to adoption as an option. No one child is "better" than or should be highly more favored than any other just because of where they live. There are MILLIONS of orphaned children in this world. Find your child YOUR way, and let others find their child THEIR way. It's a personal choice.<BR/><BR/>Oh and unless were were ALL there when the adoption of Zahara (Jolie's daughter) took place or you in fact KNEW the bio family, I suggest we take everything that was said and done with a grain of salt. Who really knows what happened or if it was media induced, etc. <BR/><BR/>That's my 2 cent.<BR/><BR/>Thanks for commenting on the article and responding to the comments.<BR/><BR/>Blessings,<BR/>JGAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-86651620648124517072008-11-09T20:14:00.000-07:002008-11-09T20:14:00.000-07:00To those (usually bio parents) who ask me why I di...To those (usually bio parents) who ask me why I didn't adopt from the US foster care system, I ask them, "why didn't you?" I didn't adopt from the US foster care system for the same reason they didn't (and it has nothing to do with the system itself). I didn't adopt from that system because I was adopting to create a family, not to save the world. And I did that in the way that made sense to me. And, yes, I researched it and found out for a FACT that my child was not wanted by her bio parents. She waited for five years in the orphanage for a visit from family or even a countryman, but did not get even one. When her birth mom showed up during the adoption hearing to relinquish rights, she said it was her choice.Mishellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10413933321938303617noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-34605353332536557912008-11-09T19:47:00.000-07:002008-11-09T19:47:00.000-07:00To Anonymous...As Cindy said she has done as well....To Anonymous...<BR/>As Cindy said she has done as well...I have PORED over domestic agencies ALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY. I have begged my social worker to send me any and everything she can on children--race not an issue, age and needs negotiable...she is a Social Worker (who loves us DEARLY and wants us to have a child almost as much as we want one!) from a well known and reputable NATIONAL agency..and the wait for domestic children under the age of 2 generally speaking is STILL approximately 2 years. I was prompted immediately to go to several of the sites mentioned in the article and again, as Cindy said, many of the synopses of the children are enough to make anyone wary. With regard to the insensitive remark about meaning that international adoptions are easier because the birth parents can't just hop on a plane and get their children back--truly, do you think anyone given the heart and the desire to be a parent and willing to go through the hoops and paperwork nightmares that accompany adoptions would be so insensitive and cruel to rejoice in the fact that once they hop on that plane, odds are no one is coming to get them?? NO! I don't know of a single adoptive parent who does not have anything but the deepest feelings of respect, admiration and yes, even heartbreak at whatever circumstances led the birth mother to give her child up. We pre-adoptive and adoptive parents are truly humbled by the courage it takes any mother to have to selflessly give their child up in favor of a different, and yes most of the time better life. We weep for those mothers. And are thankful to God they exist and have the love for their child to be so brave.<BR/><BR/>And as far as it being easier and cleaner?? For real. Dealing with IA is dealing with countries who have no obligation WHATSOVER to act according to the way we have been blessed to expect as Americans. Trust me when I say there is NO ease in wondering if a country one day decides--"That's it. No more." and there is no recourse whatsoever. No ease there at all.Lorihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01828552745708177768noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-897736439056090712008-11-09T19:40:00.000-07:002008-11-09T19:40:00.000-07:00This is a really tough subject, with so much truth...This is a really tough subject, with so much truth on "both" sides (and there are probably more than two sides). <BR/><BR/>I did consider domestic adoption, long and hard, before adopting internationally. I searched myself, and concluded that I was not prepared to adopt older children (mine were 6 & 7 at adoption) who were already known to have attachment disorders or other mental illness, FAS, ODD or any of the oh-so-many issues the children on AdoptUSKids are identified with. I wasn't prepared to adopt a sibling group of 3 or more, including teenagers, nor was I prepared to parent African-American chidren. That last realization gives me the most guilt of all. <BR/><BR/>My kids do actually have some of harder issues of PI kids -- anger, attachment, learning difficulties. I think that there is a lot to the notion that the "marketing" of adoptable US kids is very flawed.<BR/><BR/>I have accepted the idea that one of my children's birthmothers may have been "encouraged" to sign release papers. I also know that this was after not having visited the child in the orphanage for 4+ years. I also now know that the birthmother's downward spiral resulted in another birthchild's abuse and removal. Should I agonize over the possibility of having "stolen" my child from a drug-addicted, incarcerated, and enabling birthfamily full of empty promises? Maybe. Would my kids be better off with adoptive families in Kazakhstan? For one, maybe, for the other, probably not.<BR/><BR/>For my children in particular, local families had 5-7 years to choose to adopt them. I know that it's by no means guaranteed that older children are truly in need of new families, but it's far more likely.<BR/><BR/>A solution? I don't know for sure -- Hague protocols are a start, perhaps capping adoption fees, or screening extra carefully the "hot-ticket" adoptions, like "baby girls as young as possible." Do we look at what's going on in Western society to create the demand, and try to work on that end as well?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-24338264387126498982008-11-09T18:45:00.000-07:002008-11-09T18:45:00.000-07:00You stated: "More children are not placed in homes...You stated: "More children are not placed in homes in the United States from foster care for the above reasons, but also due to "perfect scenario selection". Social Workers limit the number of possible adoptive homes with their own personal biases...they "think" a child would be best as the youngest in a family, the "think" a child would be best adopted by a family of the same race or background, they "think" a child should be in any number of specific scenarios and they often refuse to consider any and all prospective families because of their own preconceived notion of what best suits that child."<BR/><BR/>With personal experience adopting 3 children out of USA foster care I can say this absolutely, without a doubt takes place. My husband and I were told by several social workers that we couldn't adopt "those children, or that sibling group because we were white...." and we were pushed into looking into severly handicapped children that "they" thought we could serve best. (Although we knew for us, that we couldn't take off weeks and weeks of work to take children to physical therapy or to stay in hospitals for weeks while a child underwent surgery after surgery as it just wasn't financially possible) 2 years after we finalized with 3 amazing children we believe God ordained for us to parent, we found out that 3 sibling groups we originally had interest in were still not adopted into a forever family (as statists show that fewer families of some races choose adoption for whatever reason). So terribly sad.... would USA foster care really be "best" for a child instead of a loving family of a different race??<BR/><BR/>My husband and I LOVE our kids (as we should) and really believe the USA foster care system needs reform for the best interest of the children.... <BR/><BR/>Also, another "anonymous" comment was made that "If a family chooses to Fost to adopt the state assumes medical and other expenses till the child is 18." <BR/><BR/>This is NOT true (at least in the state of Florida). If you foster to adopt an infant, they are not considered "special need" because they were "adoptable" and therefore do not qualify for state assistance unless they meet the qualifications in some other way.... being an infant in foster care, if they are then adopted doesn't guarentee them medical or financial assistance for them to the adoptive parents.<BR/><BR/>IF you adopt a special needs child (in Florida defined as 1. A child older than 8, 2. racially non-white, 3. a sibling group of 2 or more 4. severe documented medical condition, and several other non-common reasons) then you are able to APPLY for assistance with medical and financial help with paperwork that states that the child or children meet these requirements AND WERE UNADOPTABLE if this assistance is not provided. (Because infants are in "higher demand" for lack of better terms, and frequently have a "waiting list" they are not considered UNADOPTABLE no matter what race they are, and therefore are denied any insurance or financial help)<BR/><BR/>IF APPROVED (no guarentees before adoption is final), then an adoptive child can receive medicaid insurance until the day they turn 18, and a monthly check to the adoptive parents that varries depending on the age the child was at adoption (less for younger children, more for older children but once adoption finalizes, then amount stays fixed). Typically around $300 a month. Being approved is not easy... I know first hand. Paperwork is lost in a system, busy, overworked employees who "suggest" that the adoption could move faster if this assistance wasn't applied for.... (even though if a child meets the critera it is law that the state provide the assistance). <BR/><BR/>I feel the need to add that I do not feel that families should adopt for the assistance that COULD be provided to them.... but rather because they feel they can provide a loving forever family for a child..... I just do not want others who might not be educated in USA adoptions to think that all foster to adopt infants come with financial assistance and health insurance because this is UNTRUE.<BR/><BR/>Sorry this ended as a long comment... just a topic near and dear to my heart :)Christinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07142521340107047892noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-27056952026713524412008-11-09T17:21:00.000-07:002008-11-09T17:21:00.000-07:00I started to write a long comment, but I think I'l...I started to write a long comment, but I think I'll try to just make a quick point.<BR/><BR/>I do believe we as adoptive parents have a responsibility to find out if our adoptions are on the up and up. Like anything else, we can't know all of the details, but we can research (for any poster to assume we don't is ridiculous...some APs don't, but most do not go into this blindly). However, to say that NO child should be adopted internationally is not only irresponsible, it is also racist and elitist. If I put two children in need of love and a home next to each other, will you automatically discard one because she is not American? That sounds pretty racist to me.<BR/><BR/>I also have a problem with the culture thing. Culture is NOT part of DNA. If the biological parents are loving and willing, I do think it best if the child can stay with them. Who doesn't? But as far as taking them out of their culture? Culture is man-made. I am part Italian and I love Italian food, but it does not define me. I am an American. I will teach my child their birth cultures because I think it's good they know their history, but it does not define them. We choose what cultures we want to accept. <BR/><BR/>I would LOVE to see my kids one day give back to their birth countries. Not sure how, perhaps through missions or (how cool would this be) medical help since, you know, they'll be doctors *smile* To me that would be amazing. But if they choose to be CPAs and homemakers, that's ok too. <BR/><BR/>Sorry, guess it ended up being a little long after all!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-58031966821847427362008-11-09T14:57:00.000-07:002008-11-09T14:57:00.000-07:00Hi Cindy:My email is kazakhvictoria@mac.com I was...Hi Cindy:<BR/>My email is kazakhvictoria@mac.com I was so excited to hear from you and learn more about your family. I leave in February for Kazakhstan. I first visited in 2000 and returned every year on short term trip doing camps at the various orphanages. My heart was captured by the country, but especially the children. As a single mother I felt I wasn't being called to bring a child here, but rather go there and work full time. My two children, who I adopted are American born bi-racial children now grown. I have the great privilege and honor to go and be hands and feet to the least of them. <BR/>Thank you for taking the time to read and write a response. I know the Delille family and actually knew Sam, one of their son's before they did. He had a cleft pallet that wasn't fix when I took a picture of him. Now he is a happy well adjusted child living in a wonderful home. I love to visit the Delille's and delight in the chaos of their lives. <BR/>I will keep up with your family on your blog.<BR/>Blessings<BR/>VictoriaVictoriahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16567048047871407490noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-25261885203635526842008-11-09T13:38:00.000-07:002008-11-09T13:38:00.000-07:00There is no more struggles in adopting domestic th...There is no more struggles in adopting domestic than overseas. In fact, with a domestic adoption you can monitor and oversea the processes much easier. With an international adoption it is difficult monitoring an adoption over 3,000 miles away. There is a ton of grey areas that up until this last year (with new human trafficking laws in place) some adoption agencies thrived in (what happens in Ethiopia stays in Ethiopia) Are you implying that International Adoption is easier and cleaner because once you have the child in your possession the birth mother cannot come back and ask for their child back?<BR/>In the news there have been over 23 children abandoned in the state of Nebraska alone. There are abandoned babies every day in the USA. If a family chooses to Fost to adopt the state assumes medical and other expenses till the child is 18. <BR/>Not all agencies are crooked but a great deal are and some just don't want to know the legal status of the child. Jolie's first child adopted from Cambodia through Seattle International Adoption with Lauren Galindo as the facilator was later closed and Galindo was placed in federal prison for Visa fraud. Adoption 2)From Ethiopia, Jolie was informed that the birth mother died of AIDS.<BR/>Last year the birth mother surfaced and explained her daughter was a result of a gang rape. The Adoption agency made a statement, then distanced themselves from the Ethiopian facilitator. Adoption 3) Vietnam...I don't think I have to tell you that Vietnam adoptions closed down shortly after this because the children were not abandoned but sold.<BR/>No one is opposed to International Adoption, but many PAPs start the process and have no information on the bumpy ride they will have. They should consider domestic first. Many agencies are so desperate for business they are now offering surrogate adoption in the Ukraine and India. That is right "Rent a Womb" for desperate Americans willing to pay any price for a baby....crazy to create more children when there are so many homeless kids in the USA, Ukraine and elsewhere.<BR/>And to the post about Central Asia, I have been to many orphanages, some good some not so good just as many foster care homes are good and not so good. If you think the USA doesn't have poverty.............you are kidding yourself.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-88599985322124250312008-11-09T12:58:00.000-07:002008-11-09T12:58:00.000-07:00Ooops - turned into a very long comment! :)The sad...Ooops - turned into a very long comment! :)<BR/><BR/>The sad truth is that for many children, being "whisked" away to another country is their best chance in life. For some it may be their only chance FOR life. My daughter is Romani (or what some people would still refer to as 'gypsy'). Were she to remain in her home country she would face a life time of racial discrimination and segregation (in housing, employment, health care and education: this is documented by the UN and Amnesty International, and not something I just made up for the drama of it!) Her life expectancy would be amongst the lowest in Europe. She would likely age out of the child care system into a life spent on the margins of society. This is because the majority (white) population where I live neither like the Roma or want to adopt them. Adoption here is not common at all. Comments I received from colleagues included "they're all from incest"; "she'll grow up to be a prostitute" and "none of them are normal". These are not considered extreme views here - they are held by the majority of the population. A recent survey said something like 70% of whites do not want Roma living near them. In one town 95% said Roma do not deserve equal rights. <BR/><BR/>At 14 months old my daughter was spat at by a man in the street because she is Romani. Racially motivated attacks are common (including against women and chidren) and there have been many well documented murders over the last 10 years of Romani people in "police custody". Institutional racism ensures the placement of overwhelming numbers of Roma children in "special schools" for the "retarded" whilst the real problem is they don't speak the national language fluently (they speak Romani). Homes burned, people forced out of legally held property, families living in wooden shacks with no electricity or running water. The list goes on and on. <BR/><BR/>Trust me, international adoption is better than this!<BR/><BR/>I believe that if my daughter's birth family had equal access to employment, housing and education they would have been able to parent her. That knowledge causes me a great deal of pain. I know that she came into my life not because she was unwanted but because society in this country is deeply unfair, with racism ingrained at every level. The situation for the Roma is the same across the former eastern bloc. <BR/><BR/>Whilst I know there is corruption at many levels of government here, I can honestly say that the system which approved me to adopt, and matched me with my daughter, was vigorous and above board. The social worker and child psychologist I worked with are totally child centred and their priority from the get-go has been the best interests of the child. There is often a perception in "the West" that everything must be inferior elsewhere in the world. The system must be corrupt or incompetent or inefficient. My own experience has been the total opposite, and I hold the system here, and the many individuals in it who have worked on my adoption, in the highest regard. They have never been anything other than professional.<BR/><BR/>I am not naive. Like others I have read and wept over the stories from central America of baby mills and the stolen children of Vietnam. However I have yet to read any factual report that this is the situation of the majority of children placed for international adoption. Indeed countries like Guatemala have, in the past, reacted by suspending their IA programs so that investigations can be carried out into allegations of abuses in the system and have, where necessary, changed their procedures (eg by demanding DNA tests from birth mothers surrendering their child). <BR/><BR/>The truth is if it happens once, it is happening once too often. It's why the Hague Convention is so important. It is why we as adoptive parents have to demand that everything - in our own nations and those from where our children originate - is open and subject to scrutiny. <BR/><BR/>Adoption is about finding families for children, not vice versa. International adoption for many children is the only possibility that they will ever have a secure and loving home of their own.Lindsayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12711583593777948158noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-78308687503367297042008-11-09T12:34:00.000-07:002008-11-09T12:34:00.000-07:00Thanks for posting the article and then commenting...Thanks for posting the article and then commenting.<BR/><BR/>I was struck most by the initial comment suggesting we look to foster care as an obviouss answer to our "problem". This just shows me that the poster hasn't thought much about the topic, and probably hasn't adopted.<BR/><BR/>Those who are adopting get to make choices different that those who birth children. And those adopting have to choose whats going to best work for building their family - whether that be internation, domestic, or foster care. So it makes no sense for someone to assume caring for kids here is the way to go - because it may not be the best plan for that family.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-15088971307627456472008-11-09T11:46:00.000-07:002008-11-09T11:46:00.000-07:00Hi Cindy,I have comments about this paragraph:"I d...Hi Cindy,<BR/>I have comments about this paragraph:<BR/><BR/>"I do tend to feel a bit uncomfortable with the "whisk them away for a chance at a better life" statement as it touches the heart of what I have long said and yet found myself on the losing side of conversations with other adoptive parents about. My children are not getting a better life because they are coming to America. If they had been born into families who could have lovingly cared for them in their birth countries, that would have been the best for them regardless of the relative wealth and opportunity that is available to them as citizens of the United States. I do not see material wealth as "opportunity" or even "better". But I DO see having loving parents (or parent if a single person) as something that every child deserves and THAT is what gives them the chance for a better life. Being a number in an institution is in no way, shape or form better than being loved and cared for within the warm embrace of a family. Period. Argue away on that one all you want, but I will not waver on that point."<BR/><BR/><BR/>We adopted from Russia and on our court day the translator was talking to us about the changes Russia has made to encourage more Russian couples to adopt Russian children (i.e. -- giving them money). I replied to her that although I don't agree with giving someone money to take a child, it did seem good for the children to remain in their country and be immersed in their own culture. I was shocked when she vigorously disagreed with me. She said that the children adopted and taken to other countries had many better opportunities for schooling, life experiences, jobs, etc. and that she felt international adoption was much better for the children.<BR/><BR/>I agree with you that the BEST scenario would be for a child to be able to live with loving parents. Love does not fix everything, but it is so very important. I feel so blessed that we get to be that loving environment for our son.<BR/><BR/>This IS a lot to chew on (I think as I type this). :-) <BR/>Thanks,<BR/>MaureenAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35990418.post-88454729527950520612008-11-09T07:15:00.000-07:002008-11-09T07:15:00.000-07:00Hi Cindy... As I have always maintained... Any one...Hi Cindy... As I have always maintained... Any one that argues against the merrits of international adoption...especialy if there is ANY disability at all, really nees to spend a few days with me in Central Asia....the offer is always open.... <BR/> It's funny as I read the comment left on your sight, I was suddenly catipolted back to a conversation I just had that day with my Girls....They wanted to know why if the word Ass is used in the Bible... why can't they use it to descride someone that stubbren and locked in , and refuses to except what is best .... You know ... Just like an Ass.....Julie and John Wrighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02496407132283564274noreply@blogger.com